What my heart looks like.
Can we skip the part where I mention it has been nearly four months since my last post? Can we consider that glossed over for now? Maybe someday I’ll tell you about it. Not today.
Lately I’ve been more than content with my small, richly-concentrated life, but right this minute I’m swollen with one of those splutter-it-from-the-rooftops feelings and so I took it to Facebook but that just wasn’t enough for me and so here I am, at this old microphone, for anyone who is still out there. Are you still out there? It’s okay if you’re not. I just need to tell you this anyway. This is my valentine to myself.
Yesterday my 11-year-old daughter Gracie was drawing a picture. At one point she stood up, declared herself the suckiest artist EVAH, crumpled her paper into a ball, threw it and stomped off. I said something predictable about what an amazing artist I believe she is. She did something increasingly predictable and rolled her eyes to the beat of her stomps (how does she do that?) We all moved on.
Hours later, when Gracie was climbing up into her loft bed, we found her original picture there. It was all smoothed out, and next to it was a very large note.
“I found this in the garbij. I <3 it. It was a mastrpese.”
So right after my heart was finished swallowing itself, I sifted through my brain to catalog exactly what I was feeling (as I so often do these days.) My friend Neil actually helped me clarify it, and it is this: In my life today I am surrounded by people who will pick up my crumpled pieces, smooth them out with intention, and present them back to me with a gentle kiss on the head. I hope you have these people, too. I hope you are these people for your people, and I pray my daughters remain this way.
Not long after we found the picture, Eva herself woke up and mini-boomeranged her way back to our bed. When I tried to coax her back to her own room she said, all throaty and misty-eyed, “I just feel like I need to be next to you.” For the second time that night, my heart attempted to swallow itself. The thing is I have spent the last five months away from the person I belong next to. That time is finally over, and everything–my gut, my brain, my feet, my soul–feels clicked back into place. I don’t ever want to lose this feeling. This one where I know I have everything I need right here, and I am bigger for it. That the people around me make me bigger.
I opened the quilt like a Valentine card and she climbed up next to me. I sealed us in, and she promptly fell asleep.
I stared at her for a long time. And I knew, looking at her, that I was seeing something more than a girl freshly-turned-six on the edge of sleep on Valentine’s Eve. So I took a picture with my phone before I went to sleep myself, and when I looked at it again this morning it hit me.
I had no idea my heart looks exactly like a pastel stuffed seahorse.
Kat says:
My heart is in my throat. I love moments like these. I get the same way when my youngest says “I want you”. She doesn’t say it very often anymore, but when she says it, there is just no way I could ever say no.
February 14th, 2011 at 9:40 am
kelly says:
Those are the best moments of all. You have been missed, but I am glad you are taking care of you and those who mean the most.
February 14th, 2011 at 10:12 am
Issa says:
Beautiful post my friend. I’m so happy that you are finding your happiness.
February 14th, 2011 at 10:21 am
jodifur says:
I’m so glad to see you here. Even if it is once every 4 months.
baltimoregal Reply:
February 14th, 2011 at 3:02 pm
I second that emotion!
February 14th, 2011 at 10:25 am
Ann's Rants says:
First LTYM auditions, now this.
Fwup.
(my heart, on a plate)
February 14th, 2011 at 10:31 am
schmutzie says:
I declare this one of the best Valentines entries ever.
February 14th, 2011 at 10:40 am
racheld says:
We know the shape of your heart, and the size.
Our hearts have been wrapped around yours, for all this time you were away, cuddling gently, holding softly, as you wend your way home.
February 14th, 2011 at 10:58 am
Michelle says:
So sweet
February 14th, 2011 at 11:08 am
Headless Mom says:
This is *exactly* why we’re here, no matter how long it is between posts.
Stunningly beautiful.
February 14th, 2011 at 11:13 am
Lara says:
Your heart is beautiful. And I think of you often because of that. I am glad you have found your way back to where you belong.
February 14th, 2011 at 11:29 am
Marcy Massura says:
Motherhood is astonishingly painful. And you are a brilliant writer for articulating this all so well.
Thanks for that.
I feel a need to go hug something.
February 14th, 2011 at 11:31 am
Titanium says:
Still here, still reading (with wonder and amazement and pure joy). You’ve excavated beauty and displayed it here for all the world to see. So glad you shared this with us, Maggie. These moments are the ones we moms live for.
It just doesn’t get any better.
February 14th, 2011 at 11:32 am
magpie says:
Yes, and yes again. Glad to see you.
February 14th, 2011 at 11:44 am
mosey says:
Welcome back. And I’m so glad. So glad.
And I have to say – the story about your daughter and her drawing struck such a chord – have you ever read the book “Ish” to your kids? Its’ story is uncannily similar. SUCH a good book.
February 14th, 2011 at 11:47 am
annettek says:
So lovely. I was afraid you’d quit blogging altogether but I left you in my reader just in case you came back. I’m so glad you did for this.
February 14th, 2011 at 11:53 am
aj says:
i found your writings within days of your last post and inhaled your archives, laughing and crying and slapping my forehead muttering “how does she know???” my way through your archives. i randomly checked in today, just to see if you had returned, and…wow. ever grateful for your words, once again.
February 14th, 2011 at 12:13 pm
MommaKiss says:
Happy Monday to you friend. Nothing like your child reminding you about the priorities in life. Nothing better, actually.
[p.s. Go Pack Go! had to say it!]
February 14th, 2011 at 12:14 pm
anymommy says:
This is so lovely that I almost – *almost* – rethought my absolutely no children in my bed, ever, for any reason position. But then, nope. I hate children in my bed. They are just going to have to hold my heart in their grubby little hands in their own beds.
xo. love you and your gorgeous heart.
February 14th, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Sam says:
I love those moments. I’m glad one came to you when you needed it.
February 14th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Karen (miscmum) says:
This is so lovely.
We had a book that was given to my daughter by my sister, who is a teacher. It’s called “Ish” by Peter Reynolds. It celebrates a child’s creativity, no matter what the drawing looks like. It’s quite beloved in many circles and is certainly one of my favourites.
(ps. Mosey above me in the comment stream has pipped me to the post about “Ish”. Never mind, just glad to be here, and glad to see you here again xxx)
February 14th, 2011 at 1:00 pm
Amanda says:
So tender to see a little hand from sprung from your heart and soul.
February 14th, 2011 at 1:10 pm
angelica says:
what a beautiful post! I love the sealed envelope and the photo and the shape of your heart.
BTW, that Eve is definitely a keeper. special kid
PS please don’t let another 4 months go by
February 14th, 2011 at 1:21 pm
pamela dayton time says:
Wow. I forget how much I miss you until you come back and squeeze my pastel seahorse until it weeps.
February 14th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Camille says:
Beautiful, as always. xoxox
February 14th, 2011 at 3:08 pm
Kristen says:
Awww . . . I’m all misty over here. Happy Valentine’s Day! Your heart is beautiful.
February 14th, 2011 at 3:30 pm
domestic extraordinaire says:
so beautiful.
So glad that you wanted to share your heart with us.
Until next time….
February 14th, 2011 at 4:00 pm
maggie may says:
Here from Stacey, Maggie, and glad to be. A beautiful post, and a beautiful heart you have, pastel colors and all.
February 14th, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Debbie says:
Yes, you’ve been missed
My only son is 24. You’ve still got lots of time for these babies and I do believe you are enjoying every minute of it. Cherish.
They are precious for such a short time…
February 14th, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Molly says:
Oh be still my heart. That letter is so precious.
February 14th, 2011 at 4:55 pm
Kel says:
I’ve missed you maggie and I’m so happy that ‘today’ your heart is right where it needs to be and is completely surrounded by love. We all need people in our lives to take the edge off our harsh critasizims and remind us that we learn everyday and it’s all apart of the process called life. YOU are a beautiful person and I hope you have a BEAUTIFUL v-day!
~K
February 14th, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Jeanne says:
Visiting at Stacy’s suggestion.
I can see why, after an absence of 4 months, you still get 30 comments.
Beautiful post.
February 14th, 2011 at 5:01 pm
Ellie says:
This moved me to my core.
So beautiful.
Your words – all of them – make my heart swell.
I <3 you.
-Ellie
February 14th, 2011 at 5:08 pm
Staci says:
Of course we are still here!
Thank you for your words.
February 14th, 2011 at 5:43 pm
Guest Post « Collidescopes Blog says:
[...] it. It’s lovely. What My Heart Looks Like. From Okay, Fine, [...]
February 14th, 2011 at 5:48 pm
MommyNamedApril says:
here here here. love this. my boys hold my heart in their hands as well. as it should be. happy valentine’s day. xo
February 14th, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Stacy Q says:
Awwwwwwww….
I hadn’t thought about it that way until you said it… yeah, my heart is often soft and brightly colored and furry and much loved as well.
This is terribly sweet, thanks for sharing!
February 14th, 2011 at 6:13 pm
Manic Mommy says:
Over from Stacey’s. That was lovely. My 8 year old held my heart especially tight tonight at tuck-in.
February 14th, 2011 at 6:39 pm
Scary Mommy says:
When you post? It is so worth the wait. Always.
February 14th, 2011 at 6:57 pm
Tweets that mention Okay, Fine, Dammit » What my heart looks like. -- Topsy.com says:
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kat, karey mackin. karey mackin said: well. tears. lots of them. worth the four month wait. RT @maggiedammit http://okayfinedammit.com/2011/02/what-my-heart-looks-like/ [...]
February 14th, 2011 at 7:25 pm
kateanon says:
I’m still here. I love this post.
February 14th, 2011 at 10:38 pm
Brandi says:
I’m still here.
And very thankful you are back.
Hope you are doing well.
February 14th, 2011 at 10:55 pm
Just Shireen says:
So, so lovely.
February 14th, 2011 at 11:45 pm
Frelle says:
love. all of it. worth waiting for to hear from your heart. thanks for letting us in for a minute.
February 15th, 2011 at 12:47 am
arizaphale says:
Maggie…..sounds like you have been through a lot and that you have come through honed and refined. I loved this post. I loved the big heart of your little girl and the stunning portrait of your love for her.
A Valentine’s treat to see you posting…..
February 15th, 2011 at 4:03 am
Hammy says:
I think us readers are what I would call “low-maintenance friends”.
High-maintenance friends ask you where the hell you’ve been and why didn’t you call?
Low-maintenance friends say I’m so very glad to see you; would you like some tea?
So, tea?
maggie, dammit Reply:
February 15th, 2011 at 10:56 am
Love it. Thank you.
February 15th, 2011 at 5:16 am
TwoBusy says:
::melts::
February 15th, 2011 at 5:41 am
Kay says:
Maggie,
Over the last months I have so often thought of something you once said, and now it hits me again. That everything you need in life (G in thought this time) was right there with you in bed, like a raft on the sea of life.
Love you all
February 15th, 2011 at 6:12 am
starrlife says:
Of course I am here. Glad to hear that things are better and that was wonderful to read! Happy Valentine’s day!
February 15th, 2011 at 6:25 am
Fran says:
We’re not so easily shaken off! Not when the reward for patience is so rich. No, ma’am! Thank you for sharing this beautiful peek into your world.
February 15th, 2011 at 7:13 am
Deer Baby says:
I’m still here.
Heart melting.
February 15th, 2011 at 9:19 am
maggie, dammit says:
Wow, you guys, thank you for this. Thank you for being here when I asked, and sharing this moment with me. I appreciate it very much.
February 15th, 2011 at 10:55 am
CSmith says:
I love this post. I’ve always been a no kids in my bed Mom. Once they stopped breastfeeding I wanted my bed back . Until Betsy, my sweet, cunning, cuddly, manipulative, touch loving girl. She’s in my bed 5 nights out 7. Whenever I mention that tonight she might stay in her own bed she shows up in my room with”Mama, I had a bad dream and it didn’t really scare me but I thought I might need to love on you awhile”. Be still my melting heart.
February 15th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Tracey - JustAnotherMommyBlog says:
Funny because my heart is a raggedy panda bear…
Glad you’re back.
February 15th, 2011 at 2:56 pm
Diana says:
So very lovely to hear from you and your heart. I’ve missed your poetic perspective.
February 15th, 2011 at 7:58 pm
Maggie says:
You write so beautifully… reading, reading reading… then Bam…throatlump, tears, I got it… you nailed it. thank you.
February 15th, 2011 at 9:06 pm
Tracie says:
You come back after four months to make me cry and think and feel grateful for the people in my life who smooth out my crumpled pieces. I love that.
Thank you for this. It touched me so deeply.
February 16th, 2011 at 1:07 am
deb @ talk at the table says:
You just get it so so right .
and I am continually humbled by how much my kids love/teach me.
February 16th, 2011 at 12:33 pm
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo says:
*sigh* *swoon* *all those gooey gushy feelings of bliss*
This morning I went in to wake my daughter. My grown up and already flown the nest but visiting for the night daughter.
Sleeping in her own bed. And I just stood there and stared at her for the longest time. Taller than me, adult now, BLUE hair, I could still see that little girl wrapped up in her blanket clutching my own pastel seahorse.
February 16th, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Korinthia Klein says:
Beautiful post.
It reminds me a little of when my oldest was three and she tried to stop me from going to a rehearsal by jumping up and down in front of me with her arms outstretched, and she said, “I need you!” I asked her what she needed me for and she said, “I don’t need you for anything–I just need you!”
Sometimes life is perfect.
So glad you’re back!
February 16th, 2011 at 5:13 pm
June says:
So so glad that you are back.
February 17th, 2011 at 5:48 am
Alexandra says:
I realize how much I miss you when you post.
Thank you
February 17th, 2011 at 7:53 am
Jett says:
Quiet triumph.
I like the sound of the Universe doing someone A Solid.
February 17th, 2011 at 9:25 am
Yo is Me says:
ooof. my goosebumps.
February 17th, 2011 at 7:16 pm
starrlife says:
Ahhhh, I knew your post reminded me of something!
How to Paint a Donkey
By Naomi Shihab Nye
She said the head was too large,
the hooves too small.
I could clean my paintbrush
but I couldn’t get rid of that voice.
While they watched,
I crumpled him,
let his blue body stain my hand,
I cried when he hit the can.
She smiled. I could try again.
Maybe this is what I unfold in the dark,
deciding for the rest of my life,
that donkey was just the right size.
http://starrlife.wordpress.com/2011/01/04/just-right/
February 17th, 2011 at 8:32 pm
schmutzie says:
This weblog is being featured in Five Star Friday – http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2011/2/18/five-star-fridays-138th-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-sholem.html
February 18th, 2011 at 12:55 am
Nicole says:
WELCOME BACK!!!!!! Can’t say how shocked — and pleasantly so — to find an update from you in my reader. Been thinking about you though.
LOVED the 2nd VU video and just hafta say that you and the little ladies all look FABULOUS!
I don’t know what’s been goin’ on and don’t need to. It sounds now though like life has righted itself again … and that’s all that really matters. {{{{{hugs}}}}}}
February 18th, 2011 at 8:55 am
annie says:
She’s beautiful and so is your post! Thank you for visiting my post today and commenting.
February 18th, 2011 at 11:25 am
Missives From Suburbia says:
Squishy, snuggly, and well-worn. The way hearts should be.
Come when you can, Maggie.
February 18th, 2011 at 12:47 pm
Varda (SquashedMom) says:
We’re still here, happy to have you back, no questions asked (but if you want to talk, we’re all ears, too).
Lovely post to come back with. It sang right into my heart.
February 19th, 2011 at 3:04 am
flutter says:
love you, Maggie girl
February 19th, 2011 at 8:50 pm
ThatJanieGirl says:
Welcome back, Maggie. Glad that you’re here (don’t worry, I changed blogs, too, so in effect, I’ve been gone as well.) and writing.
Lovely lovely post. Pierced me (in a great way).
February 20th, 2011 at 1:27 am
vodkamom says:
that made my cry just a bit. just a bit.
February 20th, 2011 at 6:35 am
Nat says:
Beautiful… the bit about the crumpled paper hit home. (Yes, I do. I’m hard on my people sometimes too.)
(Feel silly linking to a blog I haven’t updated in forever.)
February 20th, 2011 at 8:02 am
Angela says:
This was lovely. Now I’m all teary.
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:17 pm
heidi says:
I saw that masterpiece on FB. Still just as ridiculously cute and heart-melting.
Good to see you here and, really, just good to see you.
February 22nd, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Tiffany1377 says:
After an almost 2 year hiatus from blogging, I just started posting again. I was going through the blogs I used to follow. Most of them haven’t been update in years. I am so happy to see that you are still here b/c I really enjoyed reading yours!
February 24th, 2011 at 10:22 pm
Karen says:
Thank you, Maggie, for letting us know in such a beautiful way that you are alright. You are a masterpiece!
February 25th, 2011 at 5:29 pm
Susan says:
My little girl also says “I want you”. She says it so much, I feel so bad that sometimes I have to tell her..not now. I’m really going to miss these moments when she grows up.
February 27th, 2011 at 12:02 am
Fragrant Liar says:
That was lovely. I remember well the days when I would wake up in the morning and see four little girls come running to jump in bed with me for our daily cuddle. My heart in four little hands didn’t divide me; it grew my heart exponentially.
Very sweet way to start my Sunday afternoon. Thanks.
February 27th, 2011 at 12:05 pm
Mojo says:
That is too awesome for words, Maggie. And only you could have told it this well. And with this post it feels like the world is back on its axis.
(Well except for that Walker thing. What is UP with that?)
February 27th, 2011 at 4:09 pm
Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) says:
So happy you’re back (sorry it took me two weeks to realize that) in so many ways.
Love you lady!!
February 28th, 2011 at 10:51 am
moonspun says:
Oh…wow…oh….that is simply amazing and lovely…
February 28th, 2011 at 5:30 pm
Valary says:
beautiful and brilliant…i have never posted to you before but i am so touched that i had to. my boys are 11 and 6 and i get it…
March 1st, 2011 at 10:17 am
sam {temptingmama} says:
I am so behind on blogs, but I just wanted you to know I think about you often. I love you.
I am so glad your pieces are clicking back into place, where they belong.
Lots of love.
XO
March 1st, 2011 at 10:35 am
muskrat says:
My heart looks like a Zulu warrior, complete with grass skirt and spear. Yours is only slightly prettier.
March 1st, 2011 at 10:48 am
Dory says:
I haven’t been keeping up with my reader and am embarrassingly behind and clicking Mark as Read like mad. But I promise that you have immunity from Mark as Read in my book, forever and ever amen. Also, the day I put up the news that my ex, AKA The GirlBeater, is going to prison, I thought of you often that day.
*smoochies*
March 1st, 2011 at 12:59 pm
Carolynn says:
What Eva did is so extraordinary. Wow. What a great kid.
I don’t have children, but if I did, I would want yours. *grin* Minus the rolling eyes and stomping part.
I think my heart looks like a great big, fluorescent orange Cheezie. You are what you eat, right?
I just surfed over here through Deb’s Talk at the Table.
Nice to meet you. I appear to have excellent timing.
Blessings,
Carolynn
March 1st, 2011 at 6:06 pm
Postmarc says:
You haven’t lost your ability to touch us deeply with a few choice words. Four months? Feels just like yesterday…
March 8th, 2011 at 6:07 am
stacy di says:
dear maggie…what a sweet, fuzzy rainbow heart you have! love reading your posts always.
March 10th, 2011 at 6:52 am
Susan W. - MS says:
Oh my!!! My 2 kiddos always end up in by bed. We might snuggle individually snuggle together in the morning or we might all snuggle together in the evening when they get home from school. It kinda cements our togetherness. I just love it and I know that we are building memories. I try to snuggle with them in the morning when I wake them up.
-susan
March 30th, 2011 at 9:49 pm
David Levine says:
Yes! Still out here.
Refuse to delete Okay, Fine, Dammit from my blogroll, even if you post once a year. I blame Facebook and Twitter more than I blame you. Thanks for not closing or deleting the beautiful work here.
Glad to read you again, and it sounds like Valentine’s day was good for you. Yes!
We have a granddaughter now!
April 1st, 2011 at 1:52 pm
nanakoosa says:
Sorry for the delayed comment, but I want you to know I just stumbled on this and it was exactly what I needed today after fretting about my sulky teenagers and my real or imagined role in said sulkiness.
Once again you’ve captured a beautiful moment with delicacy and set it free like a butterfly to find the right person at the right time.
Thank You,
Jenny
April 1st, 2011 at 2:58 pm
lisa says:
This was beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Our children are truly blessings aren’t they?
April 9th, 2011 at 10:34 am
Melissa says:
As usual, the business of life has kept me from “me time”, which includes blog reading. Hence, I’m only reading this post today. Yet, here at home surrounded by my children (even though I’m positive they caused my gray hair),I know truly what you mean. (((hugs))) Thanks for all you do!!
April 14th, 2011 at 12:16 pm