Today* (*updated at bottom)
By 7:22am today I was stranded on the side of the road, my car a heaping, silent dead tree, my fingers frozen twigs on this frigid winter morning. I was only driving this old, neglected car because our main vehicle succumbed to fire a couple weeks ago, after a family of rodent squatters took up residence near the engine. It is not a good time to be an automobile in my family.
I was about 25 miles from home and ten miles from where I was headed, which was my support group meeting, the place I start each day so that I’ll have what I need to do it all again tomorrow. My phone, naturally, had zero bars. I could not get a signal. My heat, naturally, had gone out about five miles before the alternator had. My schedule and my resolve, naturally, were in tatters. I powered off my phone, leaned my head against the steering wheel and breathed hard into my chest to keep warm. I cried. (Naturally.)
And then I stopped. And then I wiped my face and powered my phone back on. And the bars suddenly appeared. And I called my husband and gave the problem of the car over to him. And I called a family member, one who lives about five miles from where I was stuck, and she got out of bed to come and get me. And though I hadn’t told her where I was headed, and though all I could think about was seeking refuge in her warm house, she said, “Let’s get you to your meeting.” And even though I was 30 minutes late for the meeting, and even though I felt tremendously guilty for putting her out, I gave it over to her and I let her drive me there. And I let her wait for me in the parking lot while I gave it over to everybody inside, who took it all from me so gracefully. And then I let her drive me to my office another 20 miles back the other way, where I am now.
Where the coffee is hot. Where a vase of flowers sits, still perky, a fragrant Valentine from my husband and my daughters. Where piles of file folders lie ready to be sifted, where words run waiting to be wrangled, where my wallet sits empty but intact. And even though I have no idea how I am getting home from here, I have faith that it will happen, naturally, because yes, this morning sucked, and no, we don’t really have the money to fix either car, but my God I am only a phone call away from any number of people that care so much about me and are so reverent of what I am going through that they will not only leave their warm beds on a second’s notice, but they will ferry me to a meeting without even asking because they know and believe that that is exactly where I need to be, first and foremost. And so I am rich. And I am loved. And I am so lucky.
That’s what I am focusing on today, today, right now, right here, at 9:36am, where the only thing I know or even need to know is that I am alive, I am sober today, I am doing the next right thing, and that I can’t, shouldn’t, will never again, do any of this by myself.
####
Update, 11:04am: My incredibly talented husband has already fixed the little car. I’m back in business! (He scoffs at the term “talented,” however. He says talent is for dancers and artists. He is okay with “skilled,” if you feel the need to praise him as you read these words. He is definitely okay with the idea of you praising him.) I’m sitting here giggling because it’s so new to me, this whole giving it over and letting go of the false sense of control thing, and it occurs to me that this would have been a far crazier few hours a month ago. Anyway, enough blathering.
zeghsy says:
i now have “lean on me” stuck in my head. but for real, if you need us, lean. if i can do anything to help while you’re car-less, just let me know. i can’t be that far from you.
February 16th, 2010 at 9:05 am
tysdaddy says:
Were I there, I’d drive you anywhere. I’ve been all over those roads, remember?
Lean, my dear. Shoulders are meant for that . . .
February 16th, 2010 at 9:08 am
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
things have a way of working out that always amazes me-makes me feel like I am part of something bigger-which always makes me glad.
February 16th, 2010 at 9:08 am
Lisa Rae @ smacksy says:
Another good morning!
Fantastic.
February 16th, 2010 at 9:24 am
furiousball says:
like the folks that have commented before me, you need help and if i can provide it – i’m there.
February 16th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) says:
love this. Good for you for letting friends help! Because we love to do it.
Now get those cars fixed!
February 16th, 2010 at 9:48 am
Melissa de la Fuente says:
I am so incredibly proud of you, you are an amazing marvel. Truly….You did it, for another day and that is an amazing feat. I am so happy that you are loved so much and alive. All the best.
xo
Melissa
February 16th, 2010 at 9:49 am
krista says:
there is something about those people who get out of a warm bed. something that can’t be bought, sold or traded. something that makes me want to do more, be more available.
and your husband? mad skillz. yes, with a ‘z.’
i sip my hot coffee and smile lovingly at my empty but intact wallet across the room, nodding my head at you.
February 16th, 2010 at 10:25 am
chris/formerlyfun says:
Blather on:)
You know the superwoman, lean on no one thing is a thing we all do and it’s destructive. I have yelled at husband and kids, or pouted, or silently seethed forgetting that most of the people in my life, most of the time, will help if it’s asked for. Sometimes, I just forget to ask.
Good reminder Maggie, thanks and glad to know that today, you managed through it.
February 16th, 2010 at 10:43 am
robin says:
I love this!!!! This would have been a completely different mental situation had alcohol still been in the picture, but you owned this moment and got through it. So proud of you.
February 16th, 2010 at 10:44 am
Lisse says:
Of the stories you’ve told since going sober, this is the one that warms my heart the most. There is something about being stranded with car trouble that makes me feel utterly helpless, and I hate depending on others for wheels.
That your family member came so valiantly to your rescue and supported you when you needed it, speaks volumes. Thank you for brightening my day.
February 16th, 2010 at 10:45 am
sweetsalty kate says:
It’s not talent! Nothing at all do with skilled husbands or wrenches or new air filters or what-have-you. It’s the automatic, systomatic, hydromatic prayer circle we have going for you. And to think you had no idea.
(giggle) xo
February 16th, 2010 at 11:04 am
sweetsalty kate says:
Post-comment remorse. Oh god please tell me you know I’m kidding. I only pray in decahedrons. Never circles.
Apologies for religious sarcasm. It’s just that I belong to the Church of Holy-Assed Husbands. I worship daily at the expense of all else. I simply cannot help myself.
February 16th, 2010 at 11:07 am
Mojo,NC,USA says:
The magically appearing bars on the phone gave me chills. Your HP was for sure looking after you this frozen morning, sis.
Sometimes the only way we can let go is to have things taken out of our hands by force. And hopefully the lesson sticks. Eventually.
All things said and done, I’m just glad you’re okay. Stupid glad.
And Happy Birthday VU.
February 16th, 2010 at 11:11 am
Titanium says:
The guardian angel of phones must have been hovering on a winged prayer, right then. So glad, so very glad you made it through safely.
February 16th, 2010 at 11:41 am
nic @mybottlesup says:
let those who love you lift you. *HUGS*
February 16th, 2010 at 11:49 am
Cyndi says:
Let go and Let God works, yet again!
February 16th, 2010 at 11:53 am
Kaseyskrazymommy says:
I know you don’t know me… but I want you to know that I admire you… and I am proud of you for letting go and letting God!
February 16th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
Slow Panic says:
“Lets get you to your meeting” — that choke me up. What a sweet friend.
February 16th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
cindy w says:
My brother’s sponsor told him: “The only meeting that you’re late for is your first one.” I like that.
Also? Hooray for husbands who can fix cars! Mine can’t, but he can call AAA like nobody’s business.
February 16th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
AmyLK says:
Congrats on letting it go and giving it over. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
February 16th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Corinne says:
What powerful reminders of who is in control now
Love to you on this rough day.
February 16th, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Ellie says:
I’m so bad at that trust fall you did today. When I read your story I’m thinking ‘oh, of course they helped! She totally deserves it!” I have such a hard time applying that to my own life, though. What a crazy/hard/great way to start the day.
-Ellie
February 16th, 2010 at 5:35 pm
muskrat says:
In the world of engines and alternators, I have neither talent nor skill. I’m pretty good at walking to an ATM, though.
February 16th, 2010 at 5:45 pm
Julie says:
don’t you think the universe is acting in small miracles a little every day? hip hip horray to all that is good in the world!
February 16th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
pamela ~ the dayton time says:
hooray!
February 16th, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Another Suburban Mom says:
It is so scary when bad stuff happens to your car. I am glad the hubby could fix things and it did not throw your day too much out of whack,
February 16th, 2010 at 8:05 pm
Stefanie says:
I’m just so very ridiculously proud of you. And I also let my husband help me. Over the weekend my computer died. I am slightly less tech savvy than an apple so I had to just trust my husband to call Microsoft and spend 6 hours on the phone with India. it got done though and my computer is up and running. Also, I didn’t cry. I just believed it would work out. Progress right?
February 16th, 2010 at 8:09 pm
twitchyfingers says:
They say you get a better class of problems in sobriety… the car still would probably have broken down but you didn’t have hangover to make it worse!
February 17th, 2010 at 2:04 am
WarsawMommy says:
I’m a first-time visitor (hi!) and just read through your last few entries, the ones about admitting your alcoholism and your newfound sobriety.
I just celebrated my 5th year (woo-hoo!) without a drink this past November 27th. I still have a horrible, horrible time handing over to others – I may not be drinking anymore, but by God, I still think and behave like an alcoholic if I am not watching myself. I always go to the whole control/ shut down/ disconnected place first, then I have to remind myself that this is NOT what life is about.
Bravo to you for handing over – it’s tough. Be proud of yourself, OK?
February 17th, 2010 at 3:05 am
sam {temptingmama} says:
I love you, Maggie. xox
February 17th, 2010 at 6:07 am
Aubrey says:
my kingdom for a fraction of that circle of trust….
February 17th, 2010 at 6:41 am
Nicole says:
We can never know how much we are loved until we give others a chance to show it.
And the fact that you are SO grateful for the demonstrations you received … well, that pretty much says it all. Because d*mn — you KNOW you’d do the same thing if the tables were turned.
February 17th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Rachael says:
Hi Maggie,
I just found your blog a week or so ago, and every time Ive stopped and had a little read, you have had me in tears – today no exception. STOP IT! I’ve got kids to get to preschool. Weeping over strangers lives, and writing to tell them about it..that’s blogland, I guess. I really love the way you write. It’s incredibly accessible and warm. Congratulations on a terrible day turned into an expression of love.
February 17th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
HerBigSad says:
Just found you today – I’ll be back! This post really touched me! I have trouble with the “handing it over” also… I really am finding out that I must work on that!
Wishing you a WARM and peaceful finish to you day!
February 17th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
amy2boys says:
It’s hard to let go like that. You are blessed. Thinking of you each day…
February 17th, 2010 at 2:49 pm
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
woot woot for hubs with mad car fixing skillz!
February 17th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
SM says:
But he IS talented. Bitch has a wicked tornado kick for an old man.
(Of course I mean “bitch” in only the most loving, TKD-esque manner. GAWD.)
February 17th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
jax says:
my bf and I call some of these exquisite feelings “pink clouds” and I would love to send you the images I have so as to feel affirmed, but there isn’t an attachments choice. The pink clouds of love and affirmation and joy (potential or otherwise) come along and catch us unawares, take us off our feet, and help transcendence…. enjoy them, store them up, share them.
February 17th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Dawn says:
I completely believe in what you are doing. I found you on Whiskey in my Sippy cup…I will be posting your video on my blog…cause I believe it may just help one person…and that will be the world!
February 17th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
moonspun says:
Three cheers for your skilled husband and faithful friends and relatives!
February 17th, 2010 at 7:58 pm
Denise says:
Oh, Maggie, you make me smile just being your sweet, human, imperfect, but honest and adorable self.
Keep on doing it one day, one hour, one moment at a time.
February 17th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
Arby says:
Love and Grace are pretty cool, aren’t they?
February 18th, 2010 at 5:40 am
Postmarc says:
Dammit, just look at all the cool people who share your joy and tears and grow a little more each day because of you, and your word wrangling, like so many branches of a strong tree–bent, perhaps, but far from broken. Big hugs to my favorite tree.
February 20th, 2010 at 3:26 am
Betty says:
Brings me to tears. Such awesome people.
February 20th, 2010 at 8:59 am
ilinap says:
Talent and Skill must run in your family.
Be strong. And know that there are a whole mess of people out here who love you too.
February 24th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Barbara says:
I have been in the same spot – too many cars and no transportation, no money to fix them. Stranded. Crying. And learning to allow others to help. It’s tough, but as you’re learning, it’s beautiful. Not in totally mooching way, but in a learning to give-and-take way, because down the road, you’ll be able to give back. Hang in there. And thank you for your beautiful writing.
February 24th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
trinity67 says:
I’m so proud of you.
February 26th, 2010 at 10:20 am
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
Our wealth is measured by our family and friends who hold their arms around us, not by how much money we have. Thank god. I’m so proud of you.
March 9th, 2010 at 5:39 pm