Embracing the Mommyblogger
I used to roll my eyes at the very word, mommyblogger, spit it from sneered lips so I wouldn’t have to hold its taste in my mouth. And by “used to” I actually mean right up until this past Saturday, when I greedily gobbled an entire crow pie, followed by a cupcake chaser.
We all do it. We moms who blog have been trained to accept that we’re not supposed to like being called mommybloggers. Condescending newscasters say the word like they’ve got a mouthful of honey, closely guarded by bees. Tech and pro bloggers use it as the new “You throw like a girl.” Even those of us who clearly see the inherent misogyny and anti-feminist rhetoric folded neatly into these views often have our own way of dismissing the mommyblogger anyway. Maybe you’re not a parent. Maybe you’ve got a niche´. Maybe you’re a rock star, a professional, a businesswoman, an entrepreneur. In my case, I hid behind my Defend the Sacred Art of Writing shroud (if you squint you can see Mary in the red wine stain, I think.) I told myself the only thing I could write that would be worth your time should be well-written and universal. Why do you want to hear about my kids when you’ve got your own? Why would you want the details of my trip to the zoo, to see my vacation pics, to copy down my recipes? It made sense to me that I should only pop in here when I had something Very Important to say, which is probably why I hardly ever post. Back in the day, when I first started out, I posted all the time. Sometimes even twice a day. I posted about every little thing, and somewhere along the way I started to look down on myself and, eventually, on you, for doing just that.
Look, I’ll admit it: I’m flattered when I’m named to a Top Best Favorite Important List, however arbitrary [insert witty self-deprecating remarks here, of course.] I can privately vamp in front of my blogging mirror with the best of them, draw hearts into my breath’s fog on the glass, finger-swipe MD + MD 4EVR! and smooch my reflection. Figuratively, I mean. (Ahem.) I’m sorry, but in this manufactured cult of blog celebrity I just have a hard time believing that those who benefit aren’t flat-out thrilled. The new blogging, by nature, is all about instant gratification and positive reinforcement. It’s very rare that a blogger reads another blogger’s post and comments, “Hm. Yeah, I didn’t really like this.” And for some bloggers, there are 50, 100, maybe hundreds of bra-throwing comments–how can that not do something to your world view? The problem is, when cream rises to the top it sometimes curdles.
I’m not saying that those who’ve enjoyed big blogging “success” don’t deserve it–they do, whether because they’re just that good or because they’ve best learned the game. And I’m not trying to say I don’t prefer a more universal message, that I’m not still drawn more to sock-me-in-the-gut writing and provocative prose–I am. But I think somewhere in this gigantic popularity contest, in this never-ending quest for traffic and status, even in our well-intentioned movements to elevate the non-traditionally published writer, the work-at-home mom, women in general, we’ve made the mommyblogger our whipping girl and I, for one, am a little ashamed.
Blogging, in the beginning, was about connection–remember? This whole thing got started for so many because the front porch neighborhood is now an endangered species. Mothers have become increasingly isolated in the real world, and so they gave birth to online relationships. For so many women, these connections are as real and as vital to survival as any in my own life.
Most of my best friends don’t read this blog. Frankly, I think it annoys them. When we talk on the phone or over coffee, I don’t say things like, “Did you notice the way the snow ices the pines like yogurt covered pretzel sticks?” Believe me, they’d hang up. No, we talk about our kids. We talk about our vacations. We talk about our recipes. (Okay, maybe not our recipes, heh.) This weekend, surrounded by 25 “mommybloggers” I didn’t think I’d have any connection with, I had an aha moment of which Oprah would’ve been proud–Oh! That’s why they share pictures of their kids. That’s why they blog about their vacations. That’s why they post recipes. They are talking to their friends. Their friends are checking in on their lives. And damn, many of them can really write, but that’s not why they’re doing this. It’s not about SEO for them, or making it onto some made-up list. It’s not about creative writing coursework. And why, oh why, is that any less valid than what everybody else does?
Are there exceptions? Absolutely. Are there blogs that exist solely to trick traffic and leech free swag? Yes. But these are not mommybloggers. These are trickster leeches.
I guess all of this is to say I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the mommyblogger bashing from all sides. And though I don’t think of myself as a person who bashes anyone else, I think I realized this weekend that I’ve been doing it all along. And I’d like to stop.
On Saturday I spent real quality time with amazing women. Women I’m ashamed to say I’d prejudged, women I assumed prejudged me, women I thought I’d have nothing in common with based on paragraph long bios and two-dimensional Twitter persona’s. But when I met them–all of them vastly different, each of them beautiful, unique, individuals–I liked them instantly. And when I heard what each of them had to say about who they were, about why they blogged, about what connection and community meant to them, I felt a humbling so powerful I could hardly sit up beneath its weight. I left that place and I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I was wrong, that you are wrong, that you don’t have to identify with it but you certainly don’t have to relentlessly ridicule it, either. I wanted to dig out my old ring sling and dance some babies to sleep around the fire, I wanted to pound my proud mommyblogging chest and howl ’til all the other moms appeared on their porches to greet the moon with me.
And I guess that’s what this post is.
Sara Joy says:
This is one of those comments where I will never say the right thing. Like I could write it and erase and come back to it a hundred times and it would still be insufficient, or carry the wrong message. So I’m giving up and writing it now just to say YES.
And thank you for saying it so beautifully, so passionately, and so, well, Maggie.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:21 am
Sara, how you feel about your comment is how I feel about this post. I literally trembled before I hit publish and I never do that. I feel like in my passion I bungled the message or, worse, that I might offend the cupcake women I’m madly in love with today. It instantly puts me at ease that you are the first comment here. Thank you.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:19 am
karey m. says:
i was talking to a few people recently, and they asked “what kind of blog do you write?”
uhhh. nonsense?
but i was trying to work it out in my head…where do i fit? and i said something about “well…i think i post too much design to be a total mom blogger…”
and one of them snapped “I’M NOT A MOMMY BLOGGER! I AM A PARENTING EXPERT!”
i learned two things: people have a visceral and often rabid reaction to that term. and also? she was a kickass parenting expert. and hella funny. i enjoyed the heck out of her non mommy blogging arse.
i digress.
i get your point. understand your guilt. consider yourself absolved, though. you’re way too conscientious to be full of guilt. i prefer you to be full of posts. more, please.
xoxo.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:26 am
I agree, it’s a completely loaded word. And, why? Why so loaded?
Also, hi.
xo
January 12th, 2010 at 10:20 am
Velma says:
God, you are good.
Message received, and better yet? Message felt, acknowledged, and resolved to act upon.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:27 am
You do mommyblogging proud, my friend.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:20 am
AllisonO says:
This is me, howling along side you whilst I wear my baby in a ring sling.
Thanks, friend. It was such a joy to talk with you.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:25 am
I actually had a ring sling, a kangaroo fleece, a mei tai, a moby wrap, and a backpack when my youngest was a baby. For the record.
You too, Allison. You are so sweet, you just glow.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:21 am
Becky says:
That gave me Goosebumps Maggie. I’m pounding my chest and howling at the moon, right next to you.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:29 am
I think we need to have blog group like we have book groups, because I really feel like I got so much out of this weekend and I had to leave too soon and it wasn’t enough and growth is good and loving what we’re doing here is good and you’re nice and close. So, yes?
Becky Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:31 am
Yes! Maybe I’ll shoot an email out, like…today!
January 12th, 2010 at 10:26 am
nic @mybottlesup says:
ok love, since you mentioned the “hm. yeah, i didn’t really like this,” i’m going to go with that… for one, this was a fantastic post (no surprise there)… however, i didn’t like hearing how you trembled before posting this. your words are strong, passionate, true. and yes, trembling just makes you human, but please don’t forget to be proud of what you write, especially when it is a post like this one.
ok *setting that aside* i have commented on other blogs that “i didn’t really like this” or that i had a different view… it has NOT gone well. granted, i’m fairly new to this world of blogging, however, it didn’t occur to me that some bloggers simply blog for approval of others. and i can honestly say that is something “i don’t really like.”
xoxo. great work gorgeous.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:36 am
I don’t know if the bloggers set out seeking approval or if their audience just feels compelled to give it, or to only say something if they have something nice to say, that kind of thing. I was nervous before publishing this because I didn’t want it to come off as condescending to any of the ridiculously awesome women I met this weekend. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings because I didn’t mean it that way, but I didn’t know if that would be clear in my post or not. That’s all.
And, yeah, you have to be careful about “negative” comments in the blogosphere. There is lots of great debate that goes on out there and that’s not really what I mean, I mean if it’s just a regular post, a piece of writing, a story of your day, most people aren’t going to say, “I didn’t like this. It was bad.” You know?
nic @mybottlesup Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:39 am
i can empathize with your nerves. i would just hate for it to keep you from writing your incredible words because they resonate with so many of us.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:40 am
Thank you sweet lady.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:32 am
MK says:
Your point about the front porch no longer there, I absolutely agree. Family, too – I miss mine and am so very sad that they are so far away. Because I’d give nothing more than to sit on a front porch swing w/ my Momma and my neighbor while we let kids frolic (julie andrews anyone?) and chat about life in general.
Anyway – I’m a ‘what the hell am i doing’ blogger, but love reading other stories of moms being…well, moms. Working out of the home, staying home, etc. Makes me feel like I’m not alone in some way.
p.s. If you do throw on that sling and fire dance, pictures are welcome.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:38 am
I think my 10-year-old would look awfully funny bobbing around in that sling but it’s possible I could talk my almost-5-year-old into it. She’s pretty weird. (I’ll keep you posted.)
I wish I’d had mommyblogs to read when my kids were babies, and that’s the truth.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:34 am
MK says:
Um, pretty sure my comment made no sense because it came from a sleep deprived, hungry, insane woman.
In the end? I loved your post and I’m not just sayin’ that because I’m a ‘mommyblogger.’
January 12th, 2010 at 10:37 am
Janet says:
Okay, I will admit it. I have called myself a “mommyblogger” but always in self-deprecating terms (“Oh, yeah I used to write a blog. About what? Oh, you know, my kids and life and stuff. Nothing important. Just a silly little mommy blog.”)
Did I feel like what I was writing was silly? No. Did I feel buoyed up by the community and comments? Yes. Do I still consider many of the people that I “met” through blogging friends? Yes.
I shall wear the term ‘mommyblogger’ with pride now. Thanks for the nudge, lady.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 10:39 am
Awesome.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:37 am
Kristina Joy says:
And now I am sad I didn’t get to talk to you more!
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Me, too. I wish it would have been longer. I think it should be twice a year, don’t you? Or, at the very least, I hope more small-scale retreat-type events pop up to offset the larger conferences. I had such a lovely time. You were awesome.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:50 am
Scary Mommy says:
Oh, I would have loved to have been there last weekend. Really, I would love to be anywhere that you are! But, your words resonated with me. As always.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:08 am
I wish you could’ve been there, too, it was so different from the first place you and I met.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Lisa Rae @ smacksy says:
Thanks for your post Maggie.
When I started my blog, it was with the purely selfish intention of having a daily writing exercise. As I met and got to know women (and men) in the mommmyblogger sphere, I was surprised to find that I had stumbled into a place that was smarter, funnier, more heartbreaking and honest and compassionate than anything I could have imagined. Yes, I am writing but more than that, I am reading and connecting and learning.
And I am so grateful.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:10 am
I think so many of us start out with no idea the “community” exists, and while at first it feels good eventually it can devolve into sides and camps and judgment. I’m glad you are getting so much good out of it.
Lisa Rae @ smacksy Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:31 am
Yes, so far I have managed to avoid controversy, although I have seen some. I take the good stuff and keep moving.
Jennifer wrote a great post about it here:
http://txmomof3.wordpress.com/2010/01/07/erma/
January 12th, 2010 at 11:04 am
V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios says:
I occupy a world where the writers aren’t searching for labels or competing for audience, validation, swag, or advertising revenue. We’re just bloggers. The only time I hear about the controversies, dramas, hot button topics, or “cool” gatherings is when I talk to Neil (ha ha ha). When I get together with bloggers in real life, it’s always a one-on-one meeting, usually in one of our homes. It’s never an “event.”
I think there’s more than enough room on the Internet for all sorts of bloggers and writers with varying motivations. We don’t need to judge and label one another in order to stake a claim and make a tiny bit of Internet real estate our own. I think the events and awards and the faux controversies and viral drama-seekers divide people into camps.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:09 am
Agreed. And I guess I always thought I wasn’t guilty of any of that, but now I think maybe I was. I’ve always said there’s more than enough room for all of us, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t silently looking down my nose, kind of like the “It takes all kinds!” sort of thing–never really said with good intentions, right? I like the world you occupy.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:04 am
SM says:
I’m gonna go and throw a wrench in here and say that the reason I use the word “mommyblogger” derisively is because it leaves me out. I’m a woman in the world, I struggle daily with my home life and keeping all the balls juggling and all the other ways we modern females experience stress, but I don’t have kids.
When I used to blog, it was abt many of the things that bring us together as humans: the loneliness and the difficulty and the flat-out existential crises so many of us face and battle against all the time. I understand the motherhood brings its own issues to the table and probably elevates the ones already there, but I resent feeling left out of some arbitrary “club,” like maybe someone would read my blog and automatically think I wouldn’t relate to their life because I’m not a mother, and vice versa.
That is NOT to say that I think we should use this word towards other women or even ourselves in ugliness, or to reduce our experiences to something less than they are. It reminds me of the word “job-ette,” which I once upon a time heard a friend’s father use to describe his wife’s part-time job. I will openly admit I have used “mommyblogger” as an insult – many times with you – and I’m not proud of that, either. I think my usage stems from the bitterness I feel over everything I just blathered on abt above.
Which is to say, this comment needs to be over right abt now.
How’s that for my unsolicited two cents? Damn.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:35 am
That’s a completely valid and interesting perspective for sure. I guess I feel the same way about the “20somethingbloggers” or whatever that club is, and the same could be said for the tech bloggers and the marketing PR bloggers and on and on. There are dozens and dozens of fractions and communities in the blogosphere, but none so hated or ridiculed as the “mommyblogger.” Why?
SM Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:43 am
“Why?” is definitely an important question. I have no idea, but I think it’s valuable to examine these things and never to blindly follow anyone else’s definitions or beliefs. Thankfully, you’re good at analyzing. Ahem.
My bottom line is that every group is annoying. I tend to subscribe to that famous Groucho Marx line: I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member….
January 12th, 2010 at 11:22 am
Bejewell says:
And with that, a collective, resounding YAWP could be heard stretching its way across the electronic landscape.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:00 am
I am curious as to exactly what this YAWP sounds like. Could you send me a recording? Better yet, could you please come to NYC in August and do it in person? I can’t tell you how much I would love that.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:25 am
Jenni/mom2nji says:
I have chills. Awesome post.
I started blogging just to reach out beyond my stay at home mom life. I have made friends, that I hope to have for the rest of my life. By sharing my stories of struggling with Autism, our triumphs, and a devastating loss I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore.
I don’t claim to be a writer and I have no PR knowledge what so ever. I am not concerned with being labeled a mommyblogger.
Bring on the ring sling. Who do I see about getting another baby?
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:01 am
YES, I think especially when you are dealing with a specific struggle beyond the regular frustrations/challenges/loneliness of motherhood (ie Autism or loss) this community is incredibly valuable. Like you said, simply knowing you’re not alone can literally be a lifesaver.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:36 am
kelly says:
I am a big offender here. I know it. There are even some women I’ve dismissed because I thought them too “in” the game. Some of them I have even hurt. I am not proud of it. It is something I vow to work on.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:03 am
Kel, I’ve offended too. We’ve talked about this.
We’ll work on it together. I want to lift up all women. Hell, I want to lift up all people.
OK, maybe not Pat Robertson.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Nicole says:
I think blogging is like everything else in life – it’s what you make it. It’s been a wildly fun and fascinating journey for me and I still shake my head most days in disbelief that there are people who actually come to read these things, these things I write for me, so I can shake them loose from my already overpopulated head. Some of those people are people I know in real life and see regularly, if not every day. In fact, a few of THOSE people say they now blog because they thought mine was so much fun. Does it really get too much better than that?
If it does, I’d have to think it would start to feel more like a job. And if started to feel like that, I’d have to quit blogging.
I’m not a mommyblogger but I do have my niche: houseblogger. And there have been some marvelous “yes, I know exactly how you feel” moments come out of the comments from those who live in moneypits like mine. Solidarity at its finest.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:04 am
I agree, it’s what you make of it, but it’s also hard if you feel defensive, you know? Mommybloggers are basically attacked in many circles–at the very least laughed off, dismissed… but yes, this whole thing is exactly what we make of it and no more.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Jenn says:
Maggie, you write beautifully. Your blog inspired me to start my own, and I LOVE your posts. Weather you call them mommyblogging or not, it makes no difference to me, I call them amazing!
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:05 am
I don’t know what to say except that I am flattered beyond words. Thank you.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Erin says:
I’m with Sara. Anything I type in this box is going to be the clumsy and awkward compared to your words. I think women are SO GUILTY of judging one another, whether it’s mocking someone for the shoes she wears, questioning the way she feeds her baby, or being just plain mean, that this whole mommy blogger label gets thrown right into the mix. I wish we could just support each other, unequivocally, in everything we do.
I also wish we could’ve talked more Saturday night, but I was so busy trying to get Tommy to sleep that I missed you leaving (or maybe you snuck out to avoid me spilling anything else on you!). Anytime you want to dance a baby to sleep, you know I’ll loan you the baby and the sling… although he may try to eat your nose in the process.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:07 am
What? How could you ever be clumsy?
;p
That was a joke. And did you notice I spilled my own wine on myself later, as predicted? Toldja.
Yes, waaaaaaaaay too much judging the stupid little things. Where does it get us?
I was sad I had to leave without saying goodbye, too. My goodbye procession took about 45 minutes but I still couldn’t find you.
Next time. For SURE. xo
January 12th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Ann says:
My head is swirling.
(in a good way)
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:07 am
*insert soothing self-talk here*
January 12th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Heather of the EO says:
I needed to read this Maggie. I planned the event and I didn’t even realize most of the women there are looked at as “mommy bloggers.” And I’m not saying “look at how unconditional I am, I just love these women just as they are,” I’m actually saying that I think I’ve been doing it too. The judging thing. By way of loving these women like mad and yet hurriedly explaining that I’m NOT your average mommy blogger when I’m asked what kind of blog I have. Like it would be BAD to say I’m a mommy blogger. It’s not bad. The relationships are beautiful, as we both saw.
Yeah, I guess I could have just left it at “I needed to read this.”
Now I’m going to be late to pick up my child…because I’m reading this and I’m going to proudly say that makes me a mommy blogger
Or a terrible mother. Whichever.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:10 am
I could talk to you all day and all night about this. About anything, actually.
Next time I’m in the cities will you drive over? We’ll do just that.
xo
January 12th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Hyacynth says:
Oh, Maggie, this post was the last drop of rain that overflowed the flood gates. Now, I don’t think I can turn away from writing about what has been brewing in my head since Saturday night.
Thank you for your honesty and eleoquence in your writing and in person.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:11 am
And you did it beautifully.
(Still trying to place where we’ve met before….)
January 12th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
WhyMommy (Susan) says:
Howl!
I adore being called a mommyblogger, in part because it’s so … not what I used to do, when I worked Downtown in A Big Office and such. There’s such a … community here. And I’m proud of being a mom, and being a mom in this community.
I’m glad you are too.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:11 am
I’m so glad you feel that way, Susan. Let’s howl loud and proud.
January 12th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
amanda says:
i too am going to mess this up…but i have to say thank you. thank you. you have no idea what it was like to meet the real you this weekend. and now this? my heart is overflowing. truly. overflowing.
thank you new friend.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:12 am
Amanda, I know you hear this all the time but can I just say how incredibly funny you are? Just thinking about you makes me grin.
I’ve also thought so much about your private blogging, and the freedom you’ve found in that. So much.
It was a true, straight-up pleasure meeting you.
January 12th, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Kate says:
AWOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo (is that close enough to a howl??) I’ll howl at this moon for a long time yet.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:13 am
Perfect.
January 12th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Erika says:
Someday I hope to be a mommy blogger.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:13 am
Someday I hope you are a mommyblogger, too. Someday very, very soon.
January 12th, 2010 at 2:49 pm
Titanium says:
If you look waayyy up north, you’ll see a frozen version of me standing right beside you on this one. There’s a reason why I’m listed on “The Mom Blogs”… because life doesn’t start or end for any of us women when we start families.
We all have a slightly different take and that’s what keeps it interesting. Technically, I’m a mom and a writer and a mountain climber, kayaker, cyclist… whatever. If I write something worth reading, it stands on its own merit- not propped up by my title, resume or number of doilies crocheted in 2009 (none) or pies I baked (also none).
Rule number one for any good writer is to “write what you know”. Whether your snark is refined in the trenches of changing baby diapers or on the north face of some unnamed mountain, each one of us has inherent worth as a human being and our words are valued by someone.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:15 am
Write what you know, exactly. That’s why I worry about where it’s coming from, what the intention is, when we bash mommybloggers. It feels too close to bashing mothering to me. That might be an unfair leap, but it feels uncomfortably close. Maybe not even mothers, per say, but mothers who dare to reach out in their days for something beyond popsicle stick art and playdoh.
January 12th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
deb says:
Stunning writing as always.
And I’m a mommy who blogs but my kids are old enough that they lurk to make sure I’m not posting about them.
But I started out to share some things and find a community along the way.
I never actually expected to find a community the likes of which blows me away every day. If I’m not interested in a blog’s content or message , I don’t read it.
I don’t judge at all really.
Maybe getting older does that.
I don’t have anything to prove. And if someone else does, whatever.
And I might be a little shy to howl, but I’m on the porch, having a glass of red , and probably crying because I always do in those moments.
great post Maggie.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:17 am
I think that was when it started to become uncomfortable for me, when my oldest became aware I was writing on the Internet. I’ve stopped, essentially, and I wonder if that’s fueled some of this inner turmoil/confusion toward the mommyblogger for me. I do wish, though, that I’d had this community when I was stuck nursing behind a laptop all day, not another human voice in sight….
What you described is a form of howling, too. Absolutely.
January 12th, 2010 at 4:17 pm
Tara says:
Maggie- What a wonderful post, you have such an amazing way with words. It was wonderful to meet you in person and I was so touched by what you said on Saturday during the circle, it was obvious how much you care for others. I was completely inspired.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Thank you, Tara. I barely remember what I said, my face felt so red and I could hardly hear over my own heart thudding.
I’m glad you’re close by.
January 12th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
Aimee Greeblemonkey says:
You know I love you, right?
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:18 am
And I, you, right?
Just in case I haven’t told you this week.
January 12th, 2010 at 4:31 pm
Sarah says:
I really enjoyed this post and will follow along. I stumbled upon you from another blog I follow. I started blogging to keep family and friends up to date..it became a creative outlet, a place to reflect, and a challenge. I am hoping to grow my blog…not for the swag or for the numbers…but for the connections. Your words are wise!
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:19 am
If you start out with the intention of growing your blog for the connection, I think your investment will come back to you in spades. Good luck to you and hi. Welcome.
January 12th, 2010 at 4:31 pm
meghann says:
YUSS!
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:19 am
Heh. Thank you.
January 12th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Adventures in Babywearing says:
You had my heart racing, tears stinging my eyes, and then laughing out loud. So relieved that our weekend happened in just the way we desired. I very much so saw things in a whole new light and will be making some changes in the way I think, for the better. And this post, well, took it to a whole new level. Writer or not, we all have a story to tell.
Thank you.
Steph
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:20 am
Storytelling. Exactly.
Also, hi, you are beautiful. Stunning, actually.
Thank you for everything.
January 12th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
aimee says:
“I wanted to dig out my old ring sling and dance some babies to sleep around the fire, I wanted to pound my proud mommyblogging chest and howl ’til all the other moms appeared on their porches to greet the moon with me.”
Duck! Because my bra is being tossed your way
Great, thoughtful post. Really. Thank you.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:20 am
I love all these bras! I can’t wear the cute ones, though. I need a little more underwire every year.
Thank you.
January 12th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy says:
First visit and first comment. I needed this today. For me, some of the negative connotations of the word are my own insecurities.
Since I’m a SAHM, I’ve been dismissed so many times after the, “so, what do you do?” question that not identifying myself with the community was a form of self preservation. Not only do I not work, but I have this cute little hobby to boot!
I need to re-train my brain and think of myself as a WAHM whose site falls under the personal/mommy blogging umbrella. I’m pretty proud of the things I’ve accomplished in such a short time. I’m not ashamed of what I do and I have to stop acting like I am.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:22 am
Hi, and welcome!
About a year and a half ago I quit blogging and then came back again, and I did so with new rules. Though I wrote them down, they were never for public consumption–they were simply for me, to try to combat the internal dialogue, to shift my own secret perspective on how I saw myself and what I was doing out here. It helped immensely.
January 12th, 2010 at 4:59 pm
chris/formerlyfun says:
I still have a hard time explaining to my “real” life how important some of my blogging friends have become. My Great Aunt had a handful of penpals in her day, only one of whom she ever met in person. I don’t know how she first connected with them but she always said they were among her closest, dearest friends. That’s how I feel about a handful of the people I’ve met through blogging. I enjoy so many bloggers but a few, I really know and share real thoughts- and though I love the feedback I get when I write, the friends have become paramount.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:24 am
It makes me curious, did people ever make fun of penpals? I don’t remember anyone ever doing that. I wonder why this medium is different?
January 12th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
OHmommy says:
I saw the photos from the event of Flickr. A group of beautiful women all who were smiling. What a wonderful community to belong to.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:24 am
Weren’t those the prettiest, happiest women you ever saw? My god there was a lot of beauty there, radiating straight out from the inside for sure.
January 12th, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Aunt Jenn says:
I’m with Erika, I secretly want to be a mommyblogger but have had reservations due to a lot of what your post identifed. My academic feminist self just couldn’t accept it, but I’m going to work on it. I missed you this weekend, but I’m glad you were doing what you were doing.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:26 am
I’m so sad I missed seeing LuLu stuff herself silly with cake. And by LuLu I mean me.
I love you. Blog away, please.
January 12th, 2010 at 5:41 pm
Dave Taylor says:
Nice post, but … can I offer a male perspective? I’m only speaking for myself, but in addition to all the geeky tech and film blogs I manage, I also have a parenting blog (though I am most assuredly not a parenting expert ).
Here’s what bugs me about “mommyblogger”: somehow it seems to carry the same implication (to me) that the rest of our culture seems to have, which is that parenting = mom and worker = dad.
I was at the Consumer Electronics Show last week in Las Vegas and they had a “mommy track” where companies were pimping their parenting and child-rearing stuff. Not a “parenting track”. Uh, don’t dads get involved in parenting somewhere along the way too?
Or doth I protest too much and in fact do most women believe that the average guy would be happy having an occasional visit with their offspring and reserve their family time for in bed with their wife? I sure hope not and I know way too many guys for whom that’s not accurate, though perhaps in the big, big picture of our society…
Anyway, I applaud your candid posting and certainly think that it’s smart for *women* to decide what they want “mommyblogger” to mean, but at the same time, please don’t fall into the adjacent trap of assuming that “mommyblogger = parent blogger because most guys don’t want to be involved in parenting-related decisions.”
Does that make sense? I hope so…
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:30 am
It makes a ton of sense, and it’s an excellent perspective.
I think you nailed it talking about the conference you attended–mommyblogger is a term that’s probably most important to the marketing community. Since women make the majority of purchasing decisions in America, the mommyblogger is theoretically the perfect vehicle–unfortunately, she is often exploited and exploits right back. Talk about saturation….
Any label is going to leave people out and make others feel defensive. It’s hard to win there.
I happen to have a husband who is involved to the same extent it sounds like you are. He’s up with the kids, he’s doing the baths, he’s packing the lunches, he’s an equal partner in strategizing pick-up’s and drop-off’s and meals, etc. He works outside of the home but it’s never occurred to him that he shouldn’t be doing all of these things, just like me.
Of course, he wouldn’t go near a blog with a 50-foot pole but that’s another story.
Thanks for the perspective.
January 12th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says:
Wonderfully written. I wholeheartedly wish I would’ve been there, too.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:30 am
I wish you had, too!
January 12th, 2010 at 6:30 pm
the wino says:
A lovely post as always, Maggie!
It’s so funny how all of our (the Royal Our) views are so different. I’ve always felt I was on the periphery because I wasn’t a mommyblogger.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:37 am
That’s kind of what SM said, above–it makes her feel terribly left out. And it’s funny, because there are plenty of groups I feel left out of (the 20something bloggers, for instance) but I don’t hold the same vitriol for them that many seem to have for “mommyblogging.” It’s so weird.
January 12th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
Corinne says:
I’d like everyone I know to read this. I get so many questions about why I blog, why I’m open with it, why why why, and you single handedly, with your epiphany, nailed it. And nailed the issues that everyone seems to have with mother’s who blog.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:41 am
Thank you, Corinne. I think it wouldn’t have happened, though, if I hadn’t spent the time I did with these women. I think maybe a balance between knowing a blogger online and knowing her in real life is ideal, but obviously nearly impossible.
January 12th, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Michelle says:
I hated this post. {Kidding, just kidding…} Taking the bra off to sling it at you now. Just don’t let it go to your head.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:41 am
TROLL!
January 12th, 2010 at 6:39 pm
MommyTime says:
Dave makes a great point that I think underpins so much about why the term “mommyblogger” is such a hot button. It is often used perjoratively by people who think that mothering isn’t “real work” and that writing about mothering is some kind of self-indulgent, narcissistic substitute for the lounging around eating bon bons and reading trashy novels that “normal” SAHMs used to do before they got the internet. The underlying assumptions, of course, are misogynistic and devalue the work of mothers while simultaneously excluding fathers from parenting.
They also imply that mommyblogs are some kind of frivolous chatter, that eloquence and thoughtfulness and knock-your-socks-off prose are reserved for “real” writers (who, incidentally, aren’t mommies). It’s this point that has made me resist the term, because I resent the notion that one cannot be a mother AND be articulate, or that the processes of parenting cannot be dealt with in introspective and interesting ways that make for writing worth chewing on. I am not at all claiming that I am some kind of prose genius, only that “mommyblogging” as a term has so often been used to devalue both mothering AND writing that I have never found it a term I was comfortable embracing: my feminist, mother, writer, professor self just couldn’t.
This is not to say that I don’t read a lot of mommybloggers. In fact, I love some of them whole-heartedly. But we need a new and more respectful term (without being clinical, which to me “parenting expert” seems to be). One that embraces the women’s community that blogging creates, the lifeline for some of us in dark days dealing with fractious infants, and the magnificent writing that can burst stunningly forth from those trials by fire. Thank you for opening up this conversation.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:42 am
And with this comment you just said it all better than my post.
Yes. Thank you.
January 12th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
Maria says:
I wish I could have been there.
I have so many hugs stored up for you. And I won’t be an intimidated dorkface next time I see you.
I love the way you write.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:44 am
New York? I’m going for sure–are you?
Can’t wait to collect those hugs.
(And I love the way you write, too. I tried to comment on your recent post about marriage and couldn’t. I often have trouble commenting on your blog, and I’m not sure why? Your comment system hates me, or at least hates my phone. Which is not very nice because my phone is very, very pretty and very supportive of me. *sniff*)
Maria Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
Disqus has been giving me fits. You’re not the only person who’s had a problem commenting. Yarg!
And I absolutely respect you respecting your daughters’ wishes for privacy. I really wonder how those of us with slightly younger kids will approach the nebulous cut-off-date where our kids have the ability (and right) to say please don’t write about me on the Internet!
January 12th, 2010 at 7:09 pm
Maria says:
Also I oftentimes wish you’d write about your kids and motherhood because I like the way you think and process things and express yourself. And even though I have some kids I like reading about some kids and stuff.
Adore you!
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:45 am
Ah, yes, and this is where I have a hard time because I worry that I’m embarrassing them, over-exposing them, etc. I know for sure my 10-year-old does NOT want me blogging about her, not even the color shirt she has on. I have a feeling my almost 5-year-old will demand it, though, even when she’s 30. Different kids, I guess.
January 12th, 2010 at 7:10 pm
Samara Postuma says:
This is beautiful and so very well said Maggie. Pleasure to meet you this weekend and thank you for writing something that spoke to me today!!!
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:03 am
It was such a pleasure meeting you too, Samara. Truly.
January 12th, 2010 at 7:21 pm
Sprite's Keeper says:
I’m a mommyblogger. I’m okay with that. I’m not okay with swag. It turned me off at BlogHer. honestly. I don’t pay attention to my traffic. I don’t advertise. I just blog. For the love of it.
I do like to dip my toe into the deep end of the literary pool sometimes too though. Which is why I like coming here.
Thank you for your words!
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:04 am
I had a hard time with it at BlogHer, too, and spouted off a bit on their site when they asked for feedback. It sounds like things are going to be different this year.
“For the love of it.” Hang on to that, my friend.
January 12th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
Melissa says:
To me, the community, love, and support is what blogging is all about. To inspire and to be inspired.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:05 am
For me, too–that’s what led to Violence UnSilenced. But it’s so easy for me to get caught up in the rest of it, unfortunately. It’s good to re-center myself every once in a while.
January 12th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
Deb says:
Thanks so much for this post–on behalf of myself and anyone else who’s had to endure the “You’re quite the little Mommy blogger, aren’t you?” remarks from bloggers and nonbloggers alike.
I for one like having a place whose sole purpose is for me to yak incessantly about my kids and not feel like I’m boring people. And my few but loyal readers have told me the thing they like best is knowing someone else is going through the same parenting/life struggles as them. I’m grateful to be a member of the momblogging community. Thanks for reminding me I should also be proud.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:06 am
ARGH–yes! “quite the little Mommy blogger”… it’s so condescending and dismissive.
I’m glad you’ve found your tribe.
January 12th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
Liz says:
I didn’t make it to cupcake10 but this sums up my experience with mommybloggers to a tee. In a way people seem so bigger than life on their blogs and then they are all so real, and lovely and open and it makes me smile.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Yes, it’s funny how intimidated we can make each other with these here blogs. We’re all just (unwashed masses?) sitting behind our computers.
January 12th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Marinka says:
I’ve always embraced mommyblogging and I don’t embrace easily.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:08 am
I’m still glad I forced you to embrace me, anyway. No regrets here.
January 12th, 2010 at 8:10 pm
Tweets that mention Okay, Fine, Dammit » Embracing the Mommyblogger -- Topsy.com says:
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by MaggieDammit, Aimee Giese, nic, Heather Hitchcock, sarahsdandelion and others. sarahsdandelion said: "Mothers have become increasingly isolated in the real world, and so they gave birth to online relationships" … http://tinyurl.com/yhps9bb [...]
January 12th, 2010 at 8:12 pm
Lotus (Sarcastic Mom) says:
The blog really is just a slice of life and judging anyone’s entire character based on what they choose to write about in this outlet is silly, isn’t it? I wrote a post once because I felt hurt and insulted about the derogatory way so many refer to Mommy Bloggers – it had been growing for some time, and was ultimately spurred by a comment I read on another website, which was something like “Ugh, mommy bloggers… I wouldn’t touch one of those blogs with a ten foot pole.” I thought, wow, okay, it’s not your thing, fine… but why is it okay to disparage the mom blogger like that just because of what she chooses to revel in?
The answer is, it’s not.
Love this post. Also, I am not wearing a bra, so can I just rub my bewbs on you? *snicker*
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:57 am
“I thought, wow, okay, it’s not your thing, fine… but why is it okay to disparage the mom blogger like that just because of what she chooses to revel in?”
Exactly.
(And yes, you may, but thank you for asking first.)
January 12th, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Mojo,NC,USA says:
The first thing I thought of when I was finished reading here was this post of yours from that long ago time of … last May.
Maggie, whatever you call yourself, you know I’m gonna jump on it every time a new OFD post bobs to the surface of my reader. And if I wore a bra (I’m not quite there yet) I’d throw it at you.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Oh, I’d forgotten about that post! You’re right, I was almost ashamed to publish it. I look back now at those gorgeous faces and I don’t know why I ever thought I shouldn’t.
January 12th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Kelly says:
Your words are so wise — no matter what label people want to slap on them.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Yes, getting away from the labels entirely would be ideal. A pipe dream, but ideal.
January 12th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
anymommy says:
This post is magic, Maggie. (Must they ALL be magic?) But, this one really made me smile and laugh and even tear up a little. I wish I could have been there. I bet you felt like you were on the inside of that window?
Sooooo, blush, I like the term mommyblogger. I know. Flog me now. I say I’m a mommyblogger. Shrug. I’m a mommy. I blog. I do feel like there is a community of friends that surround me when I get 10 minutes in the middle of a hectic day and I open my computer. I love having other brilliant, funny, warm, open, thoughtful *mommy’s* thoughts at my fingertips. Not because I don’t value other people’s views, writing, etc., I do, but because my life is very mommy at the moment. I think one way to take the power away from a word is to own it and make it mean what you want it to mean.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Yes! On the inside of that window.
I’m glad you like the term. I really think it’s more often used pejoratively by others than embraced by the mommyblogger herself. I’m glad you are embracing, I have firsthand knowledge of your hugs and they are exquisite.
January 12th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
Postmarc says:
Sometimes we convince ourselves that we are very open-minded……..except, of course, for those few things that we are sure we are sure of.
It takes a weekend like the one you had to bring you back to center. And that is a good thing. Unexpected, but good.
Sure, you trembled before hitting publish, but for no reason. I’m sorry to say, but there may be those who blog about blogging, but nobody does it quite like you.
I read and reread the ebb and flow of your thoughts, and it is always amazing.
I would have put the word “amazing” in italics, but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. Damn. I digress.
What I love about how you write, and what you write about, is always diverse topics that drive you, the occasional (well-placed) profanity or two, but most of all, the unapologetic honesty in every post that you bare your soul to us in.
I have confessed to you before that I don’t read a lot of blogs. There’s a reason. I have found the standard, Dammit, and it is set very, very high. Thank you.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:36 am
That first sentence is dead-on. We are always so open until we’re not.
Thank you Marc, as always, for your bucket loads of kindness.
P.S. I just tried to type a little tutorial on how to do italics but it kept putting what I was writing in italics. Stumped.
January 12th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
always home and uncool says:
I’ve yet to encounter a dad who blogs who experiences the same kind of trauma and drama over the term daddyblogger. It’s good to be a guy.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:34 am
It’s good to be a guy in a sea of mommybloggers, that’s for sure! At least, that’s how it looks to me. You guys are adored and fawned over–what’s not to like?
I, personally, love a good daddyblogger. Melts me.
always home and uncool Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 11:49 pm
Now I feel like a piece of meat.
Awesome.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:10 pm
mom, again says:
the only time mommyblogger’s bother me is when they constantly reference the other bloggers in their posts. When they fall into the trap of commenting back and forth so often that they think blogging is a closed loop. That only other bloggers read blogs.
I much prefer those that write in order to write. I don’t mind the vacation pics and kid pics, I’m a lonely enough stay at home mom that I’m willing to pretend I know you through reading your blog. I wish I could get my act in gear to write one, instea of leaving blog-post length comments.
But my god, when blogher season approaches, there is a long list of blogs I stop reading until a week or two past the actual conference. I mean, if I were writing a blog, I would not bore you with the details of a business conference I might be obliged to attend. It’s a real turn off.
Or maybe I’m just jealous.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:33 am
I hear you on the BlogHer thing. When I’d never been there and had no plans to go, oh, how I hated those posts! But last year, when I went for the first time, I gobbled them up.
I think what you’re getting at, though, is you prefer to read something universal. And to not feel left out. I share those same tendencies, both in what I like to read and what I like to write. I know there are a lot of people who read my blog who don’t have blogs themselves.
Monte Reply:
January 15th, 2010 at 4:59 am
I so agree! I’ve basically stopped reading comments/commenting on certain blogs because it just made me feel bad and on the outside, watching all these friendships played out publicly. The community thing everyone talks about can be great … unless you’re on the outside. Then it sucks. But then sometimes the comments draw me in, like now … why do I torture myself??
January 12th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
Lauren says:
Well said!
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:32 am
Thank you!
January 12th, 2010 at 11:33 pm
Lee says:
Oh Maggie….wow. I have the tears streaming over here and it’s just because this coupled with what I just read over at Steph’s blog along with my own reflections that I had some time to write tonight have all added up to this amazing powerful revelatory quality of this gathering of ours.
Steph wrote that she learned that “we are all so much more than our blogs.” And of course we are but why do we forget it so easily? Why do we judge? We all have done it – and you are brave to admit it. I have done it too in my own way. Maybe my judgments have not been gathered under the “mommyblogging” title but they have been there just the same.
In that circle, I saw the real deal. The women behind the blogs. A glimpse at the real story of each woman in that room. Each woman, in her own way, in her own voice, for her own reasons, joining a chorus of voices … I feel like I found the common ground this weekend. The tie that binds. I sat humbled in respect for the journeys that brought each woman there.
I just totally get this Maggie….and of course you have said it so powerfully that I’m having trouble recovering over here….
Miss you -
xoxo
Lee
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:31 am
Wait, Lee, you’re crying??
;p
I love you.
And yes, the tie that binds. Humbled. The real deal. All of that–yes.
January 13th, 2010 at 1:27 am
starrlife says:
I love the post and not just to validate. I find that it takes a lot of skill and trust to let down our hair and be less than agreeable on either blogs or comments. Some of the people I like the best do so with great grace!
As for the mommyblogging and labeling that goes on, the swag etc.- not really interested but not judging. The parameters sometimes feel too narrow, there is ageism and sexism,and other groupings and I never was good at groups anyway. Fitting in was never my strong point and blogging is great for me that way. I’m too old, with child beyond toddlerhood and I work full time outside the home. I’m not hip, not a great writer and not an etsy contributor!
I too have no friends or family who read my blog- your description is dead on.
One of the things I love about you Maggie is that you comment to me anyway- you are generous and kind- do they have labels for that?
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:30 am
Being less than agreeable on blogs is a tough one. Most people aren’t blogging to hear any kind of criticism, and you can very easily be labeled a troll for speaking up. I usually stay silent if I don’t have something nice to say–I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.
January 13th, 2010 at 5:41 am
moonspun says:
Well said, damnit, well said.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:31 am
Thank you.
January 13th, 2010 at 6:46 am
Eternal Lizdom says:
As a proud mommyblogger… Thank you.
I don’t really identify myself with a label of “whatever”-blogger. But when you said: “That’s why they share pictures of their kids. That’s why they blog about their vacations. That’s why they post recipes. They are talking to their friends. Their friends are checking in on their lives. And damn, many of them can really write, but that’s not why they’re doing this. It’s not about SEO for them, or making it onto some made-up list. It’s not about creative writing coursework. And why, oh why, is that any less valid than what everybody else does?”
THAT is exactly what I do and why I do it. I blog to capture something in my life at that moment. And to share it. It keeps friends and family current on our goings on. But the beauty is the new friends I’ve made, the blogs I’ve found and learned from, those connections. That’s why I keep writing. Every day. Yes, I like the followers and comments and e-mails I get. But more than that, I like having a group of friends that are interested in a little slice of my life- my kids, my job, my husband, my thoughts, my experiences.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:07 am
It’s interesting, I’ve always known writing itself was such a solitary, lonely act and so I thought I loved blogging for that reason alone–the instant feedback/validation/community. It occurs to me now that mothering can be equally lonely, and so the two are a powerful combination.
January 13th, 2010 at 7:12 am
KatFrench says:
I can completely relate. My personal shroud was the “I’m a professional marketer (see my shiny advertising agency logo?)” Plus, I’m way WAY better at the marketing gig than the mom gig. My husband’s a verifiably better mom than I am. And we don’t like to display what embarrasses us.
When I went to BlogWorldExpo last fall, it utterly blew my mind. I stumbled upon two ladies deep in conversation. One was mommyblogger and the other blogged for NASA. Both were fascinated by the other, and I was fascinated with the two of them.
So, yeah. Friendship. Human connection. Community. Motherhood. All good things.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:06 am
It’s funny how a convention/gathering/seeing-it-with-your-own-eyes thing can so dramatically change your viewpoint, isn’t it? I remember thinking I would never, ever go to something like BlogHer. I went this year because it was so near my house–and I was immediately smitten. Smitten and, I think, much more open-minded.
January 13th, 2010 at 7:49 am
sweetsalty kate says:
I don’t consider myself a mommyblogger. But that’s not with any self-satisfied tone. I just don’t tend to write about my kids much, at least not in the way some do. I don’t think, though, that it’s anti-feminist to not be a consumer of what would be classified strictly as a ‘mommyblog’. The only mommyblogs that I read are those written by friends that I’m already invested in for other reasons, or in real-life.
I don’t tend to read food blogs. I don’t tend to read technology blogs, or poetry blogs. That doesn’t mean I’ve got anything against sandwiches, or computers, or poems. It’s just not what I’m looking for in daily reading right now. Doesn’t mean I’ve got any lack of respect for people who blog on those topics.
Recently in the whole swistle-kristind brouhaha, a few commenters were discussing the merits of fitness blogging, calling those bloggers shallow and vapid and self-obsessed. One even went so far as calling Kristin ‘body dysmorphic’ because she enjoys writing about her training as a runner and the changes she sees in her body as a result.
So I don’t see disrespect as being limited to mommyblogging. It just happens to be a massive population of writers – and so it gains a massive number of both followers and detractors. A pack of bloggers, many of whom are probably mommybloggers, hurled all kinds of absurd, derogatory and unfair conclusions about the mental health of fitness bloggers. That they choose not to read fitness blogs written by women – does this make them antifeminist? No. They’re just not interested in stories of female athleticism because it’s not a priority in their own lives. That’s all. Or – rather – that’s all it *should* be. But it’s not. Because women don’t tend to just shrug and change the channel. They get nasty and smug first. Which is why blogging feels so often to me like high school. Which makes me shudder.
I don’t think it’s unfeminist to not seek out a particular category of blogs just because that category is widely written by women. I don’t like being labelled, and I don’t like being told what would make me a good reader of blogs, as a woman. I don’t like feeling obligated either way. And so as a result, I read a variety of blogs, some written by moms, some detailing potty training and bath time rituals, and some never mentioning it. Just like I’m friends with a variety of people.
I don’t think any of this is contrary to what you’re saying. I love this post, Maggie. I just wanted to add this, an addendum that no matter what category we do or don’t fall into as writers and readers, we should all lighten the hell up on each other. And not because we’re women, or because women should unfailingly embrace their own kind. But because it’s just good manners.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:04 am
I mostly missed the whole swistle-kristind thing but I’ve certainly seen my share of pack mentality out here. It’s unnecessary and tragic. I think there are lots and lots of factions, but I still believe none is as vilified as the dreaded mommyblogger. I agree, not seeking them out or reading them is not at all anti-feminist, but I do think there’s a misogynistic strain to the hatred hurled their way.
But yes, you being so uniquely you (in conjunction, of course, with your wicked talent) is what makes me love you so hard.
January 13th, 2010 at 8:32 am
sweetsalty kate says:
Also, just to be clear – that second-to-last paragraph was not at all related to your post. Actually not really anything in that comment is directly related to what you’re saying. It’s all a digression. You’re not making anybody feel obligated. You just got me to thinking, as you always, wonderfully, do. xo
January 13th, 2010 at 8:35 am
jen says:
so glad you enjoyed your time with everyone this weekend. so sorry that i missed it (and you) … but in typically mommy-blogger fashion … you should see the nesting that occurred in my house after i excused myself from the group last week.
it IS all about the connectedness with others. we don’t have that front porch, stay at home, life revolved around the house/home kinda lifestyle anymore. these people … who comment and read about me and help me through frustrations and lift me up when i’m upset … they are there. all the time. even when i need someone at 2 o’ clock in the morning. it makes me feel less alone. even when i am.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 7:57 am
Yes, exactly. There have been times I have reached out in the middle of the night or whenever and my hand has always been warmly grabbed. It’s such a comfort to know people are there.
Sorry I missed you, too.
January 13th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Issa says:
One of the fun things about being a nobody blogger is that no one cares what I call myself or don’t call myself. I’ve never really cared about the term mommyblogger one way or the other. It’s been made a huge deal for years and honestly it makes me laugh. It’s a term. It’s only a label if you accept it as one.
I am a mommy. I am a blogger. I am not popular. If anyone knows who I am, it’s only because of that community keynote thing at BlogHer. But it’s not like people cared to get to know me….it was just a moment of popularity. Which is okay. Real popularity? I don’t have it, nor do I want it. I don’t post pictures of my kids. I sure as heck can’t cook. I’m not even that great of a writer. I don’t fit.
However, I’ve found the greatest community ever. People who see the real me. Friends. True friends. That? Is why I do this.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 7:56 am
My friend, you are not a nobody blogger. This is exactly what I mean–the way we’ve constructed this whole thing makes people feel like they are “nobody” if they don’t have a certain number of comments each post or they aren’t named to some ridiculous list. You are real and you are beautiful and you are eloquent and I am so glad to know you.
Issa Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:27 am
I adore you Maggie. Thank you my friend. Just, thank you.
January 13th, 2010 at 9:56 am
Katie says:
Maggie, Dammit, I swear (and I don’t usually swear) that you’ve got me all emotional about the weekend again just when I thought I’d recovered. That even though you may or may not care about my recipes, you care about me. As a community of moms we care about each other and we are able to look past the “mommy” of it all to the mommy within.
I learned so much from cupcake and from all the beautiful reflections (yours included) about my own need to open up to the community and to be authentic.
It was pure pleasure to spend time visiting with and listening to you speak from your heart and I can only hope for another opportunity – soon!
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 7:54 am
I look forward to that too, Katie. You are lovely. (And yes, why was it so emotional? It was for me, too. Very much.)
January 13th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Jen says:
I have always hated the word Mommyblogger for the image it conjured up. I’m a mom and I blog, and worse I post pictures of my kids and my dog. I have one up today. I don’t mean to, that wasn’t my goal, but it happened that way because the people who I met in the blogosphere understood those things and we connected. I don’t do swag but only because I haven’t been offered anything good. This is a great post which might just redefine the whole mommyblogger image.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 7:55 am
You’re right, it conjures up an image–and an unfair one, at that.
January 13th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
Michelle says:
I have never thought of myself as a mommyblogger either. I have a personal blog that is my poetic thoughts and I do not reveal my identity or my children’s. I have an informational blog about natural mothering that is not about my own family (is that a mommy blog?) and I have a homeschool blog to help educate others (another mommy blog?)
Regardless of whether I am a mommyblogger or not.. I think it’s great that you’ve been able to make this realization that we’re all good with what we do; and what we do is good.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 7:53 am
It’s funny, I think most of the time the term is used by other people to cut mommybloggers down, but hardly ever used by a blogging mom to describe herself. We are so much more than the word “mommyblogger” and we know that, but others like to dismiss us as such.
January 13th, 2010 at 7:28 pm
Burgh Baby says:
We all say it. We all want it to stop. We all want to stick to what is good about blogging. Yet, we can’t seem to do it. I wish I knew what the next step was to get things going . . .
January 14th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Sweetney says:
*fistbump*
January 14th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Jo@Mylestones says:
Enjoyed every word of this post. And since it’s delurker day, I s’pose I might as well let you know.
I started a blog last year to just record a few pictures and stories about the kids, more for the sake of the grandparents than for me. And maybe to ease some guilt about not filling out a darn page in their baby books.
But it’s turned into a creative outlet, an avenue that led me to kindred spirits, a place without word limits or copy deadlines or editorial restrictions. It surprises me to find myself here, commenting on your fantastic post, and raising my hand to say, “uh, I think I might be one of them there mommyblogger types you’re talkin’ about.”
January 14th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
CJ says:
I really wish I could reach through my computer and hug you.
January 14th, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Elizabeth (@claritychaos) says:
Hi.
I just read through all of this because I couldn’t remember if I’ve commented yet or only meant to. I had to wait to comment and read comments until I had written my own recap, it took me forever to process what I saw in that mirror that cupcake help up to my face.
So, instead of writing a long comment, I’m going to say thank you for this post. For your honesty, your open mind. I’m glad you were there, that I was there. I’d love to get together one-on-one again too, though, because really that is how I like it best.
My take on this was from a totally different angle than yours, but I so appreciate what you’ve said here. Love you, Maggie.
xoxo
January 14th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Elizabeth (@claritychaos) says:
And I just read the post that Mojo linked to, and I’m bawling. I love your heart. Your big, pounding, mama heart and your fatty fat fat paragraphs stuffed with goodness.
January 14th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
To Think Is To Create says:
Great post, Maggie. Some of the women you met last weekend are some of my closest friends, and we all met through our blogs. And now they are helping me through the hardest time in my life, one long distance email/tweet/comment/phone call at a time.
I so love that you saw amazing examples of that by meeting them in person, hearing their hearts and listening.
xo,
Arianne
January 14th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
Erin says:
I’ve just recently started writing again. I’ve abandoned many a blogs from lack of focus. This time I’m choosing to write about the road to getting pregnant. It’s a difficult road so far, with less and less words from the friends on my porch. Which is exactly the reason I love reading things like this. Knowing that the community is there is just enough. Enough to keep doing it, b/c I know that there will be other ladies out there in the same place. And there are ladies out there that have been in my place.
It’s all the better that we stick together.
January 15th, 2010 at 9:44 am
Okay, Fine, Dammit » The Constellation says:
[...] plug, to hide, to duck on out. Then she spends a magical weekend with 25 women eating cupcakes and shifting paradigms. She is rejuvenated, filled to brimming with a love for this art, for these people, for this [...]
January 15th, 2010 at 9:48 am
Elisa says:
“Mommy bloggers” is just another one of those groups people create and arbitrarily dump people in. These are the same people who also consider people as being “hipsters” “yuppies” and all that other stuff.
It’s the adult alternative to high school cliques, only worse, because people are supposed to grow the heck up and stop being to superficial.
Except people like to be able to group people together, it makes them feel like they are special, like they are better.
Unfortunately, to some degree, we all do it. But some of us stop once they realize they were doing it, and it was silly and pointless.
I think it’s brave of you to admit you had fallen in the trap too, but don’t feel bad about it: sometimes when we hear something too many times we start believing it a little bit. Luckily sometimes we also have the chance to find the truth through human contact and then… well, it doesn’t matter what we believed then, only what we know now.
January 16th, 2010 at 9:04 am
arizaphale says:
Thank you Maggie.
January 18th, 2010 at 5:08 am
lildb says:
Yeah, I know. It’s true. All of it. It’s true about not being able to wax lyrical during a phone call. It’s true that the ones we talk to IRL or voice-to-voice don’t expect us to unroll a story, to monologue about our wild-eyed, frizz-headed non-logic-based thoughts that have come to us on wings of bleach or vinegar or flour or soap nuts, they aren’t expecting or desirous of those fanciful meanderings, but where do we put them, otherwise? And, too, there are these friends, these comrades of ours who *do* wish to hear our monologues unrolled, to follow our fanciful flights that have busted through our laundry-handed seams, our hungrily cook’d musings, our vacuum-patterned tales that want to live and not merely inside our skulls to be forgotten and lost in the margins of our pulsating mom-brains. They want to equally share theirs.
So they do. So they *should.*
So we’re mommy’d and we’re put down and there are scathing mentions and intonations. So? I believe that’s known as taking a punch. Lately, when my four year old son and I discuss bullies, and bullying, I explain that he can respond in myriad ways to such behavior, but the very best way is to shrug it off, or laugh it off. Why take someone else’s problems on ourselves? They weren’t engendered by us. So people don’t like mommy bloggers for all of the various reasons, ration and (mostly) irrational. That doesn’t mean a damn thing to me. I am a mommy blogger. I started as one. I will always be one, even while I am many other kinds of blogger besides. I’m proud of my mommy blogger status. I’ve fucking earned it. I’ve earned the hard-won friends I’ve found as a result of being a mommy blogger. I won’t let someone with (kind of boring) problems convince me that I’m less-than through smears and taunts. I’ll just turn and laugh, or simply ignore.
I’m proud of what I do, here. What you do. What we do.
Screw the rest of ‘em.
(And, Maggie, thank you for articulating it all in such beautiful and painstaking honesty.)
January 20th, 2010 at 11:48 am
muskrat says:
I’m glad my neighborhood has front porches with chairs on them that are actually used as soon as the weather warms.
I’m only an occasional mommyblogger. I have a leotard I wear with a big “M” on it and a pink cape that allows me to understand 1-year-old speak and pull a minivan into a small garage opening.
Then, I take it off and drink beer so I can fuck shit up again.
January 20th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Headless Mom says:
Wow, 168? I guess that’s what I get for getting behind in my reading…
This hits it on the head. Thanks for saying so eloquently what I hear so often, and want to say daily. Someday I hope to meet you!
January 25th, 2010 at 10:15 am
korinthia says:
I’m still fairly new to mommyblogging, and I enjoyed this post.
I mostly write about what it’s like trying to parent while my spouse is deployed, and I still can’t get over how much it’s helped to get supportive comments. I honestly feel less alone with some of my struggles thanks to my blog.
Thank you for writing. I stumbled upon your blog in a comment thread somewhere else, and look forward to following along in future.
January 27th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Amy @ The Bitchin' Wives Club says:
Who knew you were such a snob?? Glad you saw the light and I bet they were glad, too.
p.s. Did I ever tell you the birth story of EACH of my little fellas? Well, with the first one the labor just wouldn’t start, so the doctors….
p.p.s. And that would be a bitchy moment, as opposed to a bitchin’ one.
p.p.p.s. I didn’t really like this one.
p.p.p.p.s. Just kidding.
January 28th, 2010 at 5:47 pm