All the Little Things (in response to Neil) *edit at bottom
It’s the little things I remember. That time Sarah Hain and I were walking down my rural Minnesota highway in the third grade and that car full of men (teenage boys?) pulled over and did everything they could to get us inside, thwarted only by the appearance of a second car on the horizon. That time I finally socked Josh Schmidt in the gut for trying to feel my non-existent first grader’s chest one too many times on the bus. That time in eighth grade at that Florida hotel, running up three flights of stairs so fast my lungs blazed, two college-aged men in fast walking pursuit. That time in that elevator in Russia, the man standing closer with each floor, and then closer, and then closer again before that blessed ding and the doors yawning open like a prayer. The friend’s uncle who liked to hug from behind, his forearms crossed tightly across my breasts. The time my best friend’s boyfriend picked me up late one night to “talk” and I didn’t know how scary drunk he was until we were spinning out on a gravel road five or six turns past knowing where I was, how his voice kept rising, how he refused to take me home, the way his hand jumped back and forth between the gear shift and my thigh the entire time. My first waitressing job, and the married boss who guessed my uniform shirt size right there in the interview after careful, careful inspection, who started basing my hours on how well I did or didn’t receive his advances. Every single cowardly copped feel in a bar, at the gym, at the office. These are just a handful of the little things I remember, nothing that would ever make the newspaper, but the common thread is fear. Fear and powerlessness.
When I was in college I started having panic attacks. I didn’t know that’s what they were, though, and I spent three or four days in and out of the doc’s office with a portable heart monitor tracking my every second. They diagnosed something called premature atrial beats, which is basically a very benign skip in my heart, no big deal. My therapist, however, diagnosed the panic attacks and for a long time she was sure some Big Bad Thing had happened in my past. She tried just about everything to help me dig it up and, though I can’t say for sure, today I’m pretty sure there was no one Big Bad Thing. There are simply lots and lots of little things, and a while back I started wondering if we don’t all carry them, we, as women, you, as men. And it makes me wonder what that does to us collectively, as a society. That weight of so many little things.
I woke up this morning to a shit storm. My friend Neil wrote about a time in high school, a time he was rejected by a girl, and in a burst of anger he shoved his hand between her legs and made her cry. I got more emails about Neil’s post than I got on my birthday. I haven’t read the comments on his post, though, because I wanted to get this out without influence first, however clumsily—but from the little bit I’ve gathered from my email it would seem people are angry that he’s being called brave.
I don’t know about brave. What Neil did was wretched, but I’m glad he said it out loud. I would be a hypocrite if I wasn’t. This is what I want, this talking about it, this unsilencing. That’s not to say I support a bunch of abusers going on and on about their actions, I’m sorry, I’m just not that evolved. But I feel Neil’s shame seeping through that post—it’s not like he’s bragging. I don’t think he wrote it to be brave. I think he wrote it to hear from a community of people that purport to love him that they still do. That he’s not a bad person, despite this bad, bad thing. I think he felt safe.
In all of this supporting of victimized women (and my God, they do need our support, you know I believe that, I’ve built this big piece of my life around it) we can’t forget the roles the rest of us play. We can’t forget that we live in a society where women are equated with sex and men are equated with power, and we’re conditioned to accept that power play as “sexy.” It makes perfect sense to me that as kids especially we play out these sanctioned roles, that in an instinctual fit Neil shoved his hand between that poor girl’s legs and not into her gut. It makes perfect sense to me that some boys grow into men who never learned it was wrong, and girls grow into women who stay silent. Who believe little things are just that–little.
I want the weight of the little things acknowledged. Every single one of you is a product of a lifetime of little things, and I’ve always been in slack-jawed awe over what the body remembers when the brain thinks it doesn’t. Every time your heart races in an alley, every time you flinch in the movies, every time that little voice squeaks in your head but you shove it back down in the interest of polite behavior, stop. Stop and honor your instincts and remember that these things count, that they add up. Teach your sons about the little things. Honor your daughters when it happens to them.
We have to keep talking about it. We have to keep acknowledging the humanness in each of us, taking responsibility for the little wrongs we commit against each other. Creating a perfect public persona is easy. Supporting only the most clear cut of rights and wrongs is easy. I want to be aware of the little abuses that are probably happening to my daughters each day. I want the people who commit them to be aware that their actions are big, that the tiniest needle can deflate a soul, that it’s not necessarily those obvious life-crushing crashes that steer a life’s course. That abuse belongs to all of us, that it’s everywhere, and that we need to own it. All of us.
Thank you, Neil, for owning it. This is not a hearty back-slap, this is not a balm for your wounds, this is simply a solemn nod.
####
It’s amazing how affected I feel by this, and how my thoughts have swirled and changed throughout the day as I read your comments and the comments on other similar posts. One thing that stands out for me is the male vs. female language, which was unintentional. I can only speak from my own heterosexual female experience, and that involved a whole lot of heterosexual boys. I know that boys are victims, too. I know that females are perpetrators, too. But I wouldn’t know those things if other people, with other experiences, hadn’t told me. That’s my point. Keep talking.
Becky says:
Very well said. As always.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:52 am
sweetsalty kate says:
Beautifully put.
I felt the same way. Bravery is not the right word. Seems to me that Neil needs that solemn nod. That sounds a bit patronizing, and I don’t mean to analyze or assume meaning that might not be there, but that’s how it struck me. He can’t resolve what he did with her, and so he resolves it with all of us.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:53 am
Chris says:
I read Neil’s post, the comments, thought for a few moments, and then went to Twitter. The tweet for this post was the first thing on my Home page. This is an incredible response. “A solemn nod” is simply perfect.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:54 am
Cecily says:
Powerful. And so true.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:54 am
Erin says:
Neil’s post is so unabashedly brave. I don’t admire what he did, of course, but I admire his strength in admitting something so wrong, knowing how people might react. It’s brave, and this is most definitely a case where I hate the sin…but love the sinner.
Neil reminded me that while I plan to teach my sons the meaning of no, there’s so much more than that that I must teach them.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:57 am
thordora says:
I read it and turned away. Because it just reminded me of the few times that men treated me like this, and I couldn’t trust myself to say anything that wasn’t horrid and reactionary. It hurt to see it there.
That said, I wish more men would own this type of thing, say it out loud so people can really SEE it.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:58 am
muskrat says:
I have a hard time looking at your VU site because of my having a house full of girls (with an additional one coming in a few months). I grew up so sheltered that I had no idea that the things your contributors share can happen at such young ages (not that it’s okay for it to happen to the “over 18 crowd”… I really just didn’t how frequently it does), and now that I know that it can happen and does, it terrifies and sickens me.
So, I was agape when I read Neil’s post…I wanted to comment but couldn’t until just now. I could identify with the guilt he expressed, as I have some guilt over some actions I took that were inappropriate several years ago, too, but I was appalled at the mental picture he painted and the ages of the participants. My suggestion is that he forgive himself and try to help others not to make his mistake(s) in that area. I believe he’s doing the latter by writing about it, so I’d hate to see him condemned for doing so.
January 4th, 2010 at 8:02 am
Amy @ The Bitchin' Wives Club says:
I can’t help but think of that saying “Let the person who lives in a glass house throw the first stone…. ”
I have moments in my life that shame me to tears and I would never share them online. I know that they are part of my history and that they have shaped me in their way. But I don’t have any that haunt me, as Neil’s obviously does. Thank God.
We all have terrible moments where we did things that we couldn’t explain why we did them, just that we did. Everything is forgivable, whether your absolution comes from yourself or someone else. I think maybe that is what he is looking for and I hope he gets it.
January 4th, 2010 at 8:05 am
Nicole says:
Wow. A disturbing incident involving a teen boy who knew what he did was wrong and then was horrified by not only what he’d done but also by his ability TO do it. And an incident that colored his life into manhood.
Horrible that he did it, yes. Remarkable that his teen self regretted and was so shocked by his own actions. Admirable that he can and has confessed to it all these years later.
If only the vast majority of aggressors on VU were half the man he is, we wouldn’t have the collection of appalling stories on the site …
January 4th, 2010 at 8:08 am
V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios says:
The little things. Yes, it is ALL about the little things.
Neil’s post was disturbing because it reminds women of the moment when the world tilts and you realize your mother was right about watching yourself, watching your circumstances, being careful, being alert.
There’s an attitude in adolescence that makes us think our mothers are getting it all wrong, they grew up in a different world, they don’t know how strong you are, how men have changed, how old-fashioned the fear factor feels to a young, modern girl with lots of male friends. As adolescents we think we know it all, who to trust and when. We don’t understand the complexities of male-female relationships, sexuality, mixed messages, cultural ones.
And then in an instant, something happens (like the incidents you described, like the one Neil confessed to) and we see we are vulnerable, fragile even, capable of being misunderstood or demeaned in ways that cut to our very core. It’s a sobering revelation, a big moment, a loss of innocence.
I do think Neil was brave to share his story and his shame. I do think stories like his are part of the conversation that can lead to change and compassion.
January 4th, 2010 at 8:21 am
Velma says:
Yes.
I read Neil’s post last night as soon as he tweeted about it, and have been trying to sort out what – if anything – I had to say. As is so often the case, you (and your brilliant commenters) have encapsulated my own feelings perfectly.
I’ve (we’ve) been that girl. I’ve (we’ve) felt that fear and exposure and shame and helplessness at the hands of boys and men, and it has left scars. Telling our stories from ALL sides is important, but that doesn’t make our actions go away. There is no redemption just in the telling, you know? It’s just the first step.
January 4th, 2010 at 8:23 am
Sue says:
Nice work Maggie.
I know my actions have caused hurt and tears in the lives of others. Sometimes it has even taken me years to understand my own negative role in certain events. I think that is the way of the world. It doesn’t make it OK that I caused anyone pain – it just makes me a flawed human. Just like most everyone else. The point is, as you said Maggie, the weight of the little things need to be acknowledged.
The things I have done, and the things that have been done to me, have made me who I am.
January 4th, 2010 at 8:28 am
wn says:
….I also “couldn’t trust myself to say anything that wasn’t horrid and reactionary. It hurt to see it there.”
(thanks Tho, for saying it better than I could)…
…but agree with a nod…being the best (and most healing) thing that I can do.
….Neil, you get my nod….and Maggie, as usual, you get my admiration…for getting it right.
January 4th, 2010 at 8:35 am
kelly says:
I’m angry and I’m judging him. I cant’ let it go, yet. Thanks for writing, Mags.
January 4th, 2010 at 9:07 am
Finn says:
I remember those little things and have ever wondered where those boys/men got the notion that this was acceptable. I can tell you I made damn sure they knew I did not feel the same.
We do need to talk about it, and we need to empower our girls to not be silent victims, to speak up and say these little things are not OK. Perhaps that’s the only way we can prevent the little things from becoming big things.
January 4th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Kat says:
I think it was brave of Neil to write about it because I knew the condemnation that was coming his way. We can say it’s no big deal because it’s “just” online words, but that’s not really true, is it?
I can see his admission as brave while not condoning what he did, who would condone it? But to me it’s huge that he owns it, that there was no excusing himself…he told it. There was risk to him in the telling, he could have kept it to himself. So yeah…brave. I wish more men had the ability to reflect and own up.
January 4th, 2010 at 9:25 am
jodifur says:
I work in family violence, and while we often talk about working with the victim, there are very few abusers programs out there. (I’m not saying what Neil did warranted a program, I’m just his post brings up an interesting point.)
The men who abuse need help to. We need to listen to their stories as well.
January 4th, 2010 at 9:55 am
Elizabeth (@claritychaos) says:
I have so much that this dredges up, but I’m afraid it’s off topic. I so need to have the discussion, though. Maybe we can talk, or maybe I’ll work up the nerve to post about it.
But I do feel for that teenage Neil. I really do. And of course I feel for the girl. I’ve been her, a lot of us have. And while she was the victim in that story, the story Neil wrote was about *himself*. And I admire him for owning it publicly, for putting himself in the vulnerable position of abuser so that he can analyze it, express remorse, start a conversation about how to deal with it after the fact. I really admire jodifur’s comments here and there, as well as sweetsalty kate’s.
One last thing, and this gets a little at what I want to talk about. What if he did this to another boy? What if some other boy had rejected his friendship, made him look or feel stupid in front of other kids, and what if he grabbed the kids balls or punched him in the crotch and made some comment about the kid’s sexuality to humiliate him? I have this protectiveness about boys, sons. I get my hackles up when it turns into a boys=abusers, girls = victims thing (not saying that YOU, Maggie, are doing this). There’s a lot of sexual bullying happening to boys and girls, by boys and girls. Maybe I’m not seeing it objectively. But as a mother of sons, I hate to see boys painted as the bad guys, and that tends to happen in the comment sections of posts on these topics. And it makes me sad.
Elizabeth (@claritychaos) Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 10:33 am
OK, ‘vulnerable position of abuser’ came out wrong. I mean he put himself in a vulnerable position as present-day Neil to identify himself on his blog as an abuser in that regrettable incident in high school. By no means do I want to give the impression that I sympathize with the abuse of another person.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 10:44 am
E, I appreciate your point about boys=abusers and I think that’s what I was clumsily trying to get at with the women=sex and men=power in our culture thing. Maybe I should have used the word “femininity” instead of women and “masculinity” instead of men, because I think boys are very often abused, manipulated, and controlled by a society whose worst insult we can muster is “What are you, a girl?” Little boys are terrorized daily by the idea that they’d better be man enough or else, and it’s completely encouraged in our culture. It’s all the same thing, really, violence and fear and shame on all sides–it’s about power. I’m still garbling it because I’m distracted and hurried but hopefully you get what I’m trying to say.
Elizabeth (@claritychaos) Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 10:48 am
I do get it, and we posted at the same time so I hope you see that last comment I left, clarifying that every post or comment I’ve read on the topic of sexual abuse/harrassment influenced how I’m feeling about this.
But your reply got to exactly what I meant. So thank you.
Elizabeth (@claritychaos) Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 10:44 am
Good lord, one more comment from me.
I’m not referring explicitly to the comments to this particular post. But posts on these topics, all over the blogosphere. The threads that turn into ‘teach your sons, protect your daughters.’ I’ll stop now. This is another issue and I’m hijacking your comment section. Sorry, Maggie.
January 4th, 2010 at 10:29 am
Jett says:
I’ve been tongue-tied about this, trying to get at what it is I really and truly think before I open my fucking mouth.
I don’t especially know Neil other than to know he’s a popular presence in mommyblogging circles. So I don’t really know him well enough to approach him and say, ‘What was your motivation in writing this?’ According to another writer who says she posed this question to him, his answer was, ‘Because it is the truth.’
The better-mannered, more compassionate me hoped that he was trying to work through some demons, to find some absolution. The brasher, altogether more rude me would say, ‘Okay, Truth: Truth is, Neil, that you should be doing everything you could to find this person and then asking fucking forgiveness from her rather than sharing her story on the internet. Because YES, when you become the victim the story belongs more to you than your abuser and you owe her at least that much, that respect as someone you victimized. Give her the opportunity to actively forgive you and release you both from this misery.’
What many abusers don’t take into consideration is the fact that any given female has likely gone through several of these ‘little’ scenarios –just as you have described here, Maggie, and just as I have outlined on my own site in the past– that have added up to a huge chasm (all conscripted with differing ’symptoms’, depending on the individual that’s carrying it) which we have to work very, very hard to get past.
And I have known a handful of women who never manage to do so. What difference might have been made had their abusers stood up, shame-faced, and admitted their error to the person to whom that admission was owed?
Good Christ, the internet has been a fucking sweet hot mess the last month, hasn’t it? My head hurts.
January 4th, 2010 at 10:50 am
moonspun says:
Very well said. Thoughtful and honest and it’s going to take a long time for us individually and collectively get to a place of healing. A very long time. I think anytime anyone admits they did something wrong and really really knows it, it’s a good thing.
January 4th, 2010 at 11:12 am
Ann says:
Sometimes if you open up the lens a little…
I see a young Ann, drunk on her first power of social status, colluding with the incrowd and teasing teasing teasing.
It might not have involved physical contact with intimate areas, but I know I know the scars are just as deep.
Thanks Maggie, thanks Neil.
January 4th, 2010 at 12:00 pm
patty says:
The truth is in the telling.
Neil’s memory is no doubt accurate but could it be distorted? Could he have fudged a detail or two? Could the gauzy film on the camera atop the way-back machine be covering important details?
It doesn’t matter. The truth is in the telling.
I’d never silence a victim from telling her (or, frankly, HIS) truth. And as much as it may be abhorrent to hear or read, I’d never silence the perpetrator from telling his truth.
If we can’t speak of it from both angles, how can we get past it?
Would I have my boys read Neil’s truth if they were a bit older? Damn right I would. I don’t have daughters, but if I did I think I’d have them read it too.
How can we *stop* it if we don’t speak of it from both sides?
I feel compassion for the women (and men) who ache after reading a post like Neil’s. But we can’t bubble-wrap the Internet to make it safer. As writers we can’t know who should and should not see our truths. And we can’t — shouldn’t — be silenced from telling.
Thanks for providing your perspective, and for the forum to share mine.
January 4th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
Eternal Lizdom says:
I haven’t read the post in question just yet.
I will say that I”m someone who had a Big Bad Thing happen to me over the course of many years of my childhood. Because of that, there are a lot of little things that my memory couldn’t make room to hold on to… and I have to wonder what that means, too.
It might haev been in the book “Push” but I don’t quite recall now… but someone pointed out that if the statistics are that 1 in 3 women have been treated in a sexually inappropriate way… that means there is a person, the majority of whom are men, on the other side of that statistic who are the abusers. It blew my mind.
This is sitting in my belly, this post of yours. It will take some time to digest it.
January 4th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
Mad Woman says:
You know, I was one of the folks who said it was brave of him to admit. I didn’t mean brave like “Hurrah for you for doing it”, I meant brave to admit it in the forum he did.
I’m a rape victim. I’ve said as much on my blog. It made me sick to my stomach when I first read what he said he did, but then once I had processed a bit more, I was able to see the deeper message.
I like your post. I hope people take something from it, the way they did from Neil’s.
January 4th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
Redneck Mommy says:
I will not condemn Neil for posting his truth.
I will not applaud Neil for facing his shame in public.
I will, however, nod, as you said.
Sometimes truth hurts. And we ALL bear the scars of ugly truths.
nic @mybottlesup Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
i’ll second this.
January 4th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
emily says:
*deep breath*
So much of what I want to say has been said over and over. So, I will limit my comment here to this:
We need to have this conversation. That is why your site, VU, is SO damn important. We should be talking to ourselves, our children, our sisters, our neighbors… about all of this:: about self worth, about lines drawn in the sand, about rights to safety and our own bodies, about permission to speak up!
I don’t know Neil nor have I ever read him before today, so I have the benefit of considering all of this without having to draw any conclusions about how I will now think of him.
January 4th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Tracey says:
I have all sorts of thoughts on this and like the comments here. I haven’t read the post (yet) but the idea of a Good Man coming out and confessing to a misuse of his power and mistreatment of a female blurs the lines of “good guys” and “bad guys”, doesn’t it? The rules we have for the sexual offenders nowadays aren’t always in the best interest of anyone involved. If that girl had filed a suit against him in high school, would he even be half of the Good Man he is today? If he had to be registered as an offender for a horrible but very temporary lapse of judgment (that he has obviously felt guilty for since then) what would Neil’s life be like today?
I have 2 boys and a girl. And in some ways I am more worried about the boys and their ability to control this type of behavior than I am about my daughter.
I’m off to read the post.
January 4th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
MommyTime says:
Your notion that the weight of little things must be acknowledged is so powerfully right on. Here, as always, you are so precise and eloquent.
I’ve read Neil’s post and all the comments, and it does seem to me that many of the responses are driven as much or more by the position of the writer than by what Neil did or didn’t do/say/write. That is, for many of those who have suffered as the girl in the car did (or far worse), the post brought up such specters that the only possible response is anger; for those with daughters, the protection instinct seems to kick in; and so on. I mention this because I think that a lot of the commenters who do not all agree with each other make valid points. And for that to be the case, really, the point is that we need to find better ways to talk with both our sons and our daughters about how not to be abusers and how not to be victims, without assuming that the boys are always the former and the girls always the latter. We need franker dialogue and better education about how “the little things” add up. Thank you for this eloquent and measured reminder of just that.
January 4th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Erika says:
I don’t even know what to say. I’m still in shock after reading Neil’s post. Seriously, dude — know your audience. I can see your point (Maggie) that he felt safe in his community of readers to share this, but wow — talk about stones. I don’t think he went into writing it with “I feel safe and I want to unsilence violence” playing in his head. I just don’t.
As always, you’ve captured the feelings of many with this post. Having worked with men who have abused women, I have a really hard time being convinced of Neil’s remorse. I wonder if true remorse should have come first in his sincere, direct apology to the girl before showboating it in such a cavalier way on his blog.
I know a lot of guys who’ve felt that out-of-control lust Neil describes. Not one of them has ever violated a woman. Acts like Neil’s run deeper than teenage stupidity. And, you’re right — they are frighteningly indicative of our need to look at the whole problem of boys=power and girls=sex, of survivors AND abusers.
See? I don’t even know what I’m saying.
January 4th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
BHJ says:
Really bothered by the simplicity of the man/power, woman/sex equation, as if teen girl babsitters never deflowered little boys or moms never clamped their son’s head in a vice. Violence is violence is violence and locating it inside men is violent.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
You know I think that, J. You know I believe absolutely that it happens to boys, too.
I responded similarly to Elizabeth above, but basically I think I should have used different words (femininity/masculinity? shit, not sure) rather than straight up boy/girl. It’s a question of power, sex is power, and we equate femininity with sex–we do–it’s why in ads we drape bikini clad chicks over cars, not men in speedos (and that’s to sell them to men AND women, which is why the gender thing is tricky in this discussion.) We ALL buy into this bullshit.
I’m fumbling this, my head hurts today, but, yes. Violence is violence is violence and boys are just as victimized by our fucked up constructs as girls are. Yes.
Anyway, I just want it talked about. I want it said. This is one of those cases where it’s good that everyone’s so pissed, so riled up, so in disagreement. I’m seeing 100+ shades of truth today and it just goes to show (very much like your comment) that this is a topic that hits each of us individually in different spots in our guts based on our own life experiences.
Jett Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Many times yes, we do default to male aggressor/female victim language in these scenarios, because that is a majority of the populace’s experience with these situations.
To clarify, I responded this way because we are discussing that exact setup. But in all honesty I probably would have responded that way in any case, because that is my experience from a personal perspective, even though I am somewhat aware of the full spectrum of violence* and its victims.
*I quit my family services job because I could no longer carry every case around on my back. I just am not strong enough and too prone to self-abuse when I feel powerless to affect noticeable change.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
I’m sorry, I should have clarified, I meant Elizabeth from Clarity Chaos.
January 4th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
BHJ says:
Okay maybe not “really bothered” but wondering why the eruption of violence needs to be construed as a phenomonenon that’s limited to erupting inside of males. It tends to direct the anger at the gender as opposed to the inexlicable emergence of unwilled force.
maggie, dammit Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Heh, I was replying to your last comment at the same time you left this. See above.
Elizabeth (@claritychaos) Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 6:01 pm
BHJ – this is part of my concern, too. (Not directed at your handling of it, Maggie. I’m speaking in general.) I grew up with four sisters, no brothers in our house. I now have three sons. I feel very protective when it is implied that boys/men are ticking timebombs of testosterone (*ding!*) that they –if not properly trained –may explode into violence/sexual impulsiveness at any time, like they’re all potential perps, and we need to hammer these messages into them because if we don’t, they will follow their natural trajectory and wind up an abuser.
Obviously, I’m being dramatic here. But just yesterday, my sister expressed her concern at having the neighbor boy (who babysits for other neighbors and has proven to be a nice kid, whose mother she is friends with) come to babysit her toddler daughter and son. She said ‘don’t you think he’d be curious about what female anatomy looks like?’ I felt like shouting, would you worry the same about a female babysitter and your 2 year old son?
I know abuse happens. But the thought that every boy is eyed warily by some saddens me.
Thanks, Maggie, for the venue for discussion. xo
January 4th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
JanB says:
I finally came out to my sisters and brother about sexual abuse that took place when I was five. I posted about it here:
http://makeitstoppleasemakeitstop.blogspot.com/2009/09/she-doesnt-know-i-know.html
I can’t say why both of my sisters still say that they didn’t know anything was going on. But coming out to the family and letting them all know that Dad was not the family guy that they said he was, has helped me.
I guess the only thing that would make me feel really bad would be if I ever brought it up again and they said that they didn’t remember me telling them about it this past year.
I mean, how long can you bury your head in the sand???
January 4th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Maria says:
You have a hell of a way with words, ma’am.
January 4th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
starrlife says:
Some of what I said on Kelly’s blog too- This is an oh so complicated discussion and issue and yet very simple. Sexual assault is wrong, this is not just a womens issue, we are part of a species that uses. shame. as. a. weapon.Blogging can be about personal sharing, not always pretty stuff about us or others. One of the things I admire about sharing is that it is messy, complex and sometimes nasty. I’ve had all of the same experiences and ,yes, part of the issue is womens difficulty feeling empowered but the other side of the coin is lack of communication and secrets. I don’t believe in secrets and I think that means that if someone shares something, something from their dark side, that we try not to push them back into the closet. And I love Ann’s comment- I’m not blaming any victims or women for that matter but the sexual dance that goes on between teens is volatile and dangerous at times- lots of power in immature bodies.
patty Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Very, very well put, starrlife. Shushing the problem doesn’t make it go away. Thank you.
January 4th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
Sadie at heymamas.com says:
Wow, what a great piece of writing. I love the way you put that post together. You are really talented.
Sadie at heyMamas.com
January 4th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Kel says:
To acknowledge the action ‘out loud’ as he did takes a certain amount of courage on Neils part – what he did can be said it was ‘teenage awkwardness’ but the truth is he knew at that moment what he did wasn’t right even if at that moment he didn’t know of a better way to handle the confusion of emotions. Knowing it was wrong and doing it to take ‘control’ and make yourself feel better (no matter how short lived it was) is what has me so caught in my own emotional web. I think you’re right that the little things have a great impact on each of us as we grow and perhaps maybe by acknowledging and addressing the ‘little things’ we can find a way to limit the power they have in shaping who we become. We’ve all been a victim and a perpetrator but how many of us can actually find the voice to say out loud – what happened was wrong but it will not define me? For that Neil gets my *nod*….
~K
January 4th, 2010 at 8:30 pm
Sugar Jones says:
I can’t imagine what it might be like from the male perspective. I suppose it’s important that we give each other permission to tell our stories, either side. It’s essential to continuing the conversation.
January 4th, 2010 at 10:59 pm
Deb says:
I’ve thought about this a lot in the last few days, and the whole thing has reminded me that there is a huge problem with the way that we treat male bloggers in the predominantly female blogger lifestream. I guess I am surprised at some people’s sense of surprise. The post, and the actions in the post, seem very characteristic of the way Neil presents himself–in fact, I think it’s off that he thinks he has done nothing like that incident since. He is (either impulsively or planned, never been quite sure) sexually impulsive on Twitter. He crushes loudly, describes frequent bouts of rejection, and discusses his feeling of physical attraction to some women. And that’s the thing that has me thinking the most. When people in my life catch a glimpse of my feedreader, or Tweet interactions, or I refer them to a post of a blogger, sometimes they do not understand how things we take for granted–Avitable’s Twitter lists, header or humor; Neil’s sexual comments, “bewb” celebrations, BHJ’s aggression–seem to be patronized in a thoughtful community that sees itself as influencial. I like the men who write online, and I like their complexities, but sometimes this is fetishized. I agree that violence doesn’t reside with men, but online, male bloggers are treated like pets, and truthfully, I think we let too much pass. Blogs are our personal things, and it is up to Neil to deal with his personal development–and to post it if its a truth he wants to post. I’m not sure yet if I want to engage with him about it. But it’s teaching me something about why I shouldn’t condone some of the things I do online.
January 5th, 2010 at 7:59 am
Sweetney says:
Not here to issue judgment, but just to say that I think you (and Neil) got a lot of us talking about the issues surrounding this — the “little things”, as you put it — that all of us, as women, encounter in our lifetime, but bury/ignore/try to forget. God, it’s so important that we don’t forget, and that we work to create understanding, particularly with the men in our lives.
Thanks for all of that, truly. xo
January 5th, 2010 at 10:05 am
Sweetney says:
PS: Deb is smart.
January 5th, 2010 at 10:06 am
Heather B. says:
Generally speaking, I think that we ALL have done really fucked up things that we aren’t proud of. And I doubt that when recounting the awful things we’ve done, any of us would be expecting a high-five. So, that part I didn’t get. I think that Neil is brave for sharing what he shared and knowing that there might be some backlash because that is some scary shit. I do not think he’s brave in the pat on the back, kind of way. Does that make sense? I hope it does.
Also there are God awful things that I would love to write about to just get it out there and out of my head but I don’t because I know the reaction I would get and I don’t want people telling me how brave and good I am. I would want people to be angry because that’s what I deserve.
Regardless this is all very complicated and I’m giving Neil a ’solemn nod’ as well.
January 5th, 2010 at 11:08 am
sizzle says:
You said what I was feeling but better than I ever could. (As per usual-
) Thanks for writing this.
January 5th, 2010 at 11:12 am
heidi says:
I wasn’t going to weigh in. I had never read Neil’s blog and I tend to stay away from shitstorms (as you put it) over the internet. But, I read the post and the subsequent posts and others’ posts that followed. A lot of it stuck with me today and got me thinking.
I think you’re right – it is the little things. I read someone’s post…Thordora’s, I think?…on how we feel that we are magnets for abuse. There must be something that we do or say, some signal we give that attracts the wrong. I’ve often thought that. I was told, “You wanted this, you’re like this (meaning I’m that kind of girl).” And I thought, on some level I wasn’t aware of, I must be. It took me a while to get over that, to believe that it wasn’t true. I thought I was making too much out of so little. But, the words, grabs, saying no and it falling on deaf ears collects and grows. So, your post got me thinking how all of the little things do add up and how they’re real. They’re real and they matter. I think I needed to see that, to be reminded.
January 5th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
moosh in indy. says:
It only takes a needle to deflate a soul.
This post stirred up some of my deeply seeded crap Maggie.
Thank you and alternately, dammit.
January 6th, 2010 at 9:39 am
Christy says:
I missed all of this until today, but I read Neil’s post and I have to say I felt pretty much the same way. I didn’t get the impression that he wrote that post for a pat on the back or absolution of some sort. I think he was expressing an awareness about what he did and a deep regret about his behavior. Without trying to sound condescending, a solemn nod seems appropriate. What would it be like if more people came to understand and acknowledge their mistakes rather than tucking them away like they don’t exist?
I love that you point out “the little things” here, although it frustrates me at the same time…you see, as the mother of girls (as a woman, as a victim of sexual abuse, as a person?) I tend to think and worry about the big things that can happen to them.
You try so hard to protect your children from guy that pulls his car along side of them and tries to lure them in; from the creepy uncle with too many hands; from their best friend’s “troubled” older brother; You monitor play dates, wait for them at the bus stop, and don’t allow sleepovers until you’ve done a crminal background check on the family members of each of their friends, but you don’t always stop to think about the little things that can happen on a daily basis that your kids might never share with you. Those little things can end up eating them alive.
January 7th, 2010 at 8:40 am
Okay, Fine, Dammit » The Constellation says:
[...] Girl grows. She endures many little things and a couple of bigger, unwritten things. Her parents keep the love but opt for money, and the [...]
January 15th, 2010 at 9:45 am
Missives From Suburbia says:
What a flood of memories you unleashed today, Maggie. I was terrified of having a daughter for so many reasons. This was one of them.
January 19th, 2010 at 4:26 pm