Will you like me less at BlogHer if you think I’m fat?
My feed reader is suddenly infested with BlogHer posts and for the first time I find myself lice-combing through every single one, searching for that tiny varmint of truth that applies to me (or at least its telltale eggs.) I have never gone before and this year I finally get to experience what I’ve been missing, and as excited as I am I have to admit your posts are kind of freaking me out.
It’s all the posts devoted to weight; too much of it, too little of it, a pound of flesh I don’t feel you owe and I hope to God you don’t think I owe you.
Now I have struggled with my self-image as much or more than the next girl and that struggle continues today. The thing is, I’m so busy worried about my own weight that I don’t think about what you weigh. I just don’t. If you think about it, it should unfortunately follow that because everyone is so focused on their own terrible self-images, they won’t notice how fat you look at all.
I see many of you have been shredding or shedding or whatever it’s called, tackling new work-out videos and diets inspired in large part by this conference. You’re buying new outfits and making comments on Twitter and Facebook about your worries, and as much as I get it that it can be hard to walk into a room of new people and not be thinking ohgodI’msofatI’msofatI’msofat, I really need you to know that I’m not looking at you that way. And I want to believe — I have to believe – that you’re not looking at me that way, either. That this is all a self-strangling construct.
When my best friend was in college she took a side job to keep her in sweet potatoes, posing nude for the art students in their live study classes. My best friend has always been athletic and I believe for the most part she feels good and solid in her skin – but even she was shaken by the portraits those students drew. If you had lined the likenesses up side by side at the end of the day, you never would have known they were of the same person. The myriad differences in how others perceived her body shocked her. For the most part, the heavier women drew my best friend much, much thinner than she was – almost skeletal. The thinnest women, nearly skeletal themselves, added dozens of pounds to her fit frame. (Interestingly, the male students drew her exactly as she was.)
I’m thinking about that story now and I’m feeling like the nude model on display around the blogosphere, drawn up a hundred different ways and not a one of them accurately. Which is silly, because you’re not doing that – right? I’m certainly not doing that to you. I promise. So why do we care?
We spend an almost unforgivable amount of energy obsessing over weight. The irony is we waste so much time worrying about how we are perceived that we have very little time to ponder what we think of others. This is my sad little bet: No one is going to think you’re fat at BlogHer because they’ll be too busy worrying about how fat they themselves are. I’d be willing to put money on it if I had any.
Maybe I’m incredibly naive. Maybe this is just my butter-churned aw-shucks rosy-cheeked Wisconsin-icity showing through. I just have a hard time believing that you who have been so kind to me here would suddenly turn your back at the sight of me. I know I would not do that to you. Why can’t we extend ourselves the same kindness?
If you and I have met and grown close in this space, I know your heart. I am in love with your insides. I am in awe of your writing prowess, or your resilience, or your wit, or your brass balls. I know you and I adore you and the chance to meet you in person is priceless. Let me ask you, do you not feel the same way? The people you’ve come to admire out here, do you honestly believe you won’t like them as much if it turns out they are fatter/shorter/uglier/thinner in person than you imagined?
Then why on earth would anyone think that of you?
Lori says:
Well said.
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Krista says:
GREAT post, Maggie. And that tidbit about the art students, and their perspectives of your friend, is so interesting. And so sad.
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
perksofbeingme says:
I won’t be looking at weight. I know your heart. I know your soul. I know your truth and I love you just the way you are. I love everything about you and I won’t be looking at people’s weight. I will be seeing your heart and your heart is all that matters in this. And that is why I love you.
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Christy says:
I really believe that very little of our struggles with weight (or feeling ugly, or stupid, or WHATEVER) have to do with other people’s perceptions of us–it’s all about the story we create in our own minds; ourselves as the main characters whom we label “fat” or whatever other inferior term we choose.
Like many other women out there, I have these same issues. And as you said, I’m not looking at someone else and thinking, man, is she FAT…it’s never about me judging others. It’s about me judging ME.
It would be great if we could extend the same kindness to ourselves that we extend to others, but I haven’t figured out how to practice what I preach yet…I’m working on it though.
I wish I was going to BlogHer & could meet you! And I wouldn’t care if you were fat, skinny, or didn’t brush your hair for a week (teeth, maybe.)
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Amy @ The Bitchin' Wives Club says:
Hear, hear!!! (or is it “Here, Here!”?) Sheesh, I am so happy that I’ve been to busy (and self-involved) (for good reasons, I swear!) to have been reading all these pre-BlogHer worries.
So far, my biggest worry is that that damned MamaPop party is now so big that I will never get a chance to karaoke. Sigh.
OK. I admit it, I may be worrying about what to pack. Just a little bit. And if I were to arrive without my makeup bag…. it might be a catastrophe. But nothing I can’t handle. Especially if all my awesome ladies are there with me!
I am just so excited for a weekend of balls-to-the-wall blogging/woman awesomeness!! And besides that: Holy cow, I can’t imagine what kind of beyotch could meet YOU and think anything but that you are beautiful, amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, and kind.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
ChurchPunkMom says:
beautifully said, Maggie.
thank you.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Pgoodness says:
Fabulous, really. I applaud you writing this and agree with you 1000%!!!
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Kat says:
I wish I were coming to BlogHer just to meet YOU, Maggie. I thought about going but…not my thing.
I loved this post. We all obsess about our looks, our weight, to one degree or another. But I can say this with all honesty…at almost 49 years old now, I’m about 30 lbs overweight, but I think I’m pretty hot stuff. I didn’t think that when I was younger and thinner…I never thought I looked good enuf. But skinny is not what makes a woman beautiful, except in the shallowest of eyes, and I’m glad you put this out there for us to ponder.
I think you’re going to be overwhelmed with people loving on you at BlogHer. But this post was dead on.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
furiousBall says:
think about how self-conscious i’m going to feel. they are paying me to serve as a cage dancer during one of the receptions, i was told to “helicopter my junk with a tenacity unforeseen by mankind” by the powers that be.
not really, but still.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Kathy says:
Oh, Maggie. This post couldn’t have come at a better time. With only a month to go, I’ve been wondering if it’s possible to lose 30 lbs. by the conference. I’m beside myself with fear of buying new clothes. Not just any new clothes, but clothes that will make me appear hot and thinner and awesome. Ain’t gonna happen.
I would love to meet you at Blogher. I’ll be the chubby girl in ill-fitting clothes. But I’ll also be the girl who’s trying to remember why I’m going to BlogHer at all: To meet everyone’s insides! (That sounds bad, but I LOVE how you put it that way. As always, you know exactly what to say).
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Issa says:
You know what’s funny? I have never judged someone on their weight. Not ever. But dam if I don’t think that people are judging me sometimes.
Then again, I yam who I yam. So I’ll continue drinking wine and eating ice cream until BlogHer.
And I am scared. But mostly it’s that I am more outgoing online than I could ever hope to be in person.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
anymommy says:
It’s an incredible post – perfectly constructed, just like we are all. Thank you for writing it. I can’t wait to meet you, exactly as you are.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Xbox4NappyRash says:
This actually saddens me a little.
I don’t get it.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Screwed Up Texan says:
My husband’s family is obsessed with weight. My MIL commented to me a couple weeks ago while we were on vacation: “Oh look. I have gained SO MUCH weight…I weigh 132 pounds now.” It should be noted she is 5’8″. I rolled my eyes (internally you know) and realized just how superficial focusing on people’s weight really is. Sure, dont be unhealthy unto yourself, but that is not my place to judge on someone else. So, when my MIL after commenting on her own weight brought up the twenty pounds my husband had gained (he is actually finally at a normal weight), my response to her was: “Yes, isnt it wonderful! So many friends and family members have commented on how nice he looks. Don’t you think he looks great?!” Of which my MIL had nothing else to say.
And now I will go eat another cupcake…b/c that frosting recipe someone shared on twitter is freakin’ fabulous.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:25 pm
janet says:
I think that the thing with blogging is often we only put a part of ourselves out here. Like maybe it’s the more funny side. So going to BlogHer ups the insecurity factor because a little part of you might think, “What if I’m not as funny/smart/insightful/whatever in person? What if my entire, live and in 3D package is disappointing?”
Or at least that’s how I felt last year, when I went. Interestingly though, the bloggers that I read and love were the people that I fully adored in person.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Stacie Haight Connerty says:
Beautifully put!
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
muskrat says:
As much as I love Chicago, I ain’t going, so there will be no judgment from my ass.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
ByJane says:
I am always both amazed and appalled at the ways in which the BlogHer conferences give rise to an intense worry about appearance. Not only the weight thing, but what to wear? and my hair my hair! I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the way we women express our excitement. It’s not a negative, then; it’s just how we do things. “I am so incredibly thrilled that I am going to this huge party thing I’ve heard about for so long” becomes “What shall I wear?” Too, there’s a sense of wanting to be your best possible self to match this best possible event that drives the anxiety. This is my fourth year going and my hair looks like shit every time. Also, I weigh way more than I’d like to/should…. See you there!
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
witchypoo says:
So eloquent! Thank you for this reminder.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Nicole says:
I definitely would not. I’ve been gaining – and losing – the same 15 pounds for most of the last decade. (After 35, your body betrays you. All of a sudden it just up and says, “screw you!” And there you are … battling weight. Or at least that’s what mine did. )
I wanted to go to BlogHer long before I found OFD and now that I’ve found you and your blog, I want to go even more. Just not in the cards for this year, unfortunately. It wouldn’t matter to me if you looked like Quasimodo’s sister. I’m already too crazy about the beautiful, emotionally-charged writer that is Maggie, Dammit!
And to anyone to whom it would matter, tell them to hop on the bus out of Superficial City …
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Elizabeth says:
While I haven’t had a blog in a while (changing that soon, maybe) I previously passed on meeting bloggie friends because of course, if I am as hard on myself as I am, why wouldn’t others be?….(even though I am not so judgemental on others, I am so much harder on myself)…I kick myself because of that…so dumb, so dumb, so dumb. I knew it then and omygosh I really know it now…reading this I am so ashamed that I let something so dumb keep me from living my life. And what’s even sadder is that I’m not horribly over weight, or ugly…and I am pretty sure I am a good person. That should be good enough. It seems I am the only one I need to convince.
Elizabeth
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Elle Himitsu says:
I worry every day that if I were to meet my blog friends they wouldn’t like me as much because I am not at a weight that I find acceptable.
It’s hard to admit, but it’s true. I can’t tell you why, because I honestly don’t know. I guess it’s all about how you feel about yourself.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:52 pm
For Myself says:
If I could shed anything, it would most certainly be my angst about weight before the weight itself. The two combined somehow weigh more than one plus the other.
Worst of all, I’m able to see the narcicism that’s at the heart of all of it.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:07 pm
arizaphale says:
I would be much more concerned about being boring. Look, you’re yawning now aren’t you? I knew it!
Seriously, well said Maggie.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
schmutzie says:
I am one of those damned shredders, but I’m not doing it specifically for BlogHer. After an incredible emotional year that had me entirely sedentary, I have been feeling so out of shape as to be unwell, and I just can’t deal with feeling unwell all the time when I’m only 36. And it’s not so much about weight loss as it is activity and vivaciousness I’m seeking.
Last year was my first time at BlogHer, and I never noticed another woman’s weight while I was there. I was far too engaged with meeting and enjoying women I’d respected for so long for their writing and photography and life-sharing.
I left feeling affirmed for having spent time with so many people who do what I do, understand what I do, and honour what I do, and the fact that I’d moved up a size or two before the conference matter not a whit once I was there.
What surprised me the most is that the old stereotype of the basement-dwelling computer geek no longer fit AT ALL. In fact, everyone was better looking than I imagined. And I’m not just making that up to flatter everyone I met last year. We womens are a fantastic looking bunch when blend our creative energies together for a couple of days.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Coco says:
Okay. First things is that lice reference. My head immediately started itching and my scalp started crawling. Way to psyche people out.
WTH with the women in that life drawing class. I have taken them. They must be really messed up with images of themselves and others and can’t see reality.
I love this post and I hope that everyone reads it. Maybe if they do they will feel more comfortable with themselves. Most people aren’t model ready.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:13 pm
maggie, dammit says:
Make no mistake, guys, I’ve been riddled with anxiety over BlogHer, too. I think it’s like what some of you said up above, it’s more about not being “enough,” of having you think I’m one way or another and disappointing you in person. It’s just that the weight aspect bothers me more than anything else. It just feels so wrong.
This was as much a pep talk to myself as it was a rant, trust me.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
JD at I Do Things says:
Sometimes we all just need to step back and remember: if we don’t judge others by their weight, isn’t it fair to give others the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re being as nonjudgmental as we are?
I hope we get to meet. I’ll be the one who looks like me.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Mama Kat says:
Awwww…this is so sweet. And SO true!! I’m not going to Blogher, but I can imagine how hard it would be to meet people for the first time in real life. Nerve racking. But you’re right..blogging together has allowed us to see people for what they really are. We’ve gotten so close to the people that really it doesn’t matter WHAT they look like. It’s a beautiful thing.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Heather says:
Hmm. I never really wonder about other blogger’s body types. I usually just stick to worrying about the fact that I offend them.
;P
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Krissa says:
Wow! I just came over here from a link Witchypoo put on Twitter and I loved what you wrote. I wish so much I could go to the conference and meet you and so many others.
You really made some wonderful and valid points, there. The part about you friend who posed for the art class and how she was portrayed, is fascinating!
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Tricia says:
Beautiful thoughts, Maggie, and hopefully dead-on. I met my husband online and we became pen palls and phone buddies before we ever had the chance to cast glances on each others physical self, and you know what? It wouldn’t have mattered if he had been over weight or ugly or whatever. I was already completely smitten with his mind and his heart. 14 years later, I still feel that way and we’ve certainly both seen and experienced a tremendous amount of physical changes in more than a decade together.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Fran says:
I’m just sorry I won’t be there! Maybe next year.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
karen says:
I don’t ever think about what the writers look like. I care more about what they think, and how they write about what they think. If they met me they would see someone who weighs a lot more than I should, but who doesn’t care about the extra weight. (at least not until I go shopping for new pants)
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
debra says:
Beautifully said, Maggie. I think we all worry that our ‘real life’ selves and our online selves are just enough different that people who love us online may find us lacking something in person. I, for one, would feel much more comfortable if everyone came with a text box on their forehead that I could type into, delete, edit, rewrite, and then publish!
I won’t be at BlogHer this year but I would love the opportunity to meet you someday. I know your spirit and heart are just as beautiful as I imagine.
xoxo
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
fancy feet says:
I laughed at what furiousball said.
If I was going, I think I would be so ridiculously excited about meeting the faces behind the words and, I admit, a little apprehensive. Will they think I talk too fast? Will it just be weird to hear each others voices? Would I be able to meet everyone I wanted to meet? More of that than obsessing about weight.
I hope it’s a lot of fun for you and all the other female bloggers out there, so the weight and the looks will just fall by the wayside.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Carolyn Online says:
I am looking forward so much to getting to go to Blogher this year and I HOPE I can track you down in the crowd and give you a big hug. I will be the one with the Miller Lite in one hand and Ms. Picket in the other without a thought to what I’m wearing.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:43 pm
sweetsalty kate says:
I loved this post. However I don’t think it’s explicitly that attendee #743 fears you’ll think she’s fat. I think it’s safe to say nobody cares about anything but their own internal hecklers.
Someone else mentioned that it’s just excitement, and I think that’s true. I don’t get out much. No, scratch that. I don’t get out period. The thought of three days of fascinating conversation and music and drinks and shenanigans with people I can’t wait to meet? I’m spinning already. And I want to make the most of all that electricity by marking it as an occasion.. by having a pretty new dress or jezebel heels or by being moderately less jiggly than I was a month ago. Well, shit. Scratch that last one. Not going to happen.
90% of us are chicks, and no matter how tough or articulate or profound we are, all of us distill that excitement into shallow shit like Crest white strips. Yeah, it’s totally girlish and cliched and superficial, but I don’t think it’s a literal fear of what other people think. I think it’s just nerves working their way to the surface as spit-polish enthusiasm.
I can’t wait to see you. I don’t care if you’re the Gruffalo.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
merlotmom says:
I haven’t read any of the posts for this year but I can tell you, last year, which was my first, made me very anxious for the same reasons you speak of. I have no weight issues but rest assured I have plenty of others. What I found upon arriving at last year’s conference was that most of the people you like online, you will love in person and feel an immediate kinship to. Heavy, thin, comely or otherwise. And for those who judge you…there are plenty of other BlogHer fish in the sea. Life’s too short. See you there.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Deidra says:
It had to be said, didn’t it? And I can’t think of a better person to say it just right. I won’t be at Blogher (I’m fairly new to blogging and not even really sure what Blogher is. Sorry.), but one thing I have noticed in my brief foray into the blog-o-sphere is the obsession with losing weight. Can’t we all just let it go?
I wish each of you all the best at Blogher and hope that you will find that you already know what matters about each other. Right?
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Veronica says:
This is where I wish I wasn’t on the other side of the world. I’d love to meet you in person.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:17 pm
AnnetteK says:
I love you. And yes, I only think this of myself, never of anyone else.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Missives From Suburbia says:
I’m going to share with you two little secrets, since I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you in person:
1. I never once gave a hot ding dang about your weight, didn’t pay attention to it, and still walked away with the impression that you’re as cute as can be; and
2. I Shred. But clearly, I am totally wasting the effort, because I’m only doing it for me. I know — the ego, right? As if I deserve to look good just for myself.
I’ll be at BlogHer next year. That is, unless my son has the audacity to force his birthday on us again at an inopportune time.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
MommyTime says:
This is such a smart and right-on and beautiful post. I HOPE I meet you there. Sincerely.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
absepa says:
Nice post! It’s really weird–I would worry more at BlogHer about not being as smart as my blog friends. I normally have as many weight hang-ups as the next girl, but I don’t think of my online friends that way. They’re all brilliant and uproariously funny, and I guess I can focus more on that since I know them through their writing.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Marinka says:
I’m laughing at shedding.
My confession, which I am burying in your comments (because many of my friends are guilty of this) is that I am so damn bored by the “I need to lose weight for BlogHer” posts/Tweets/ ESP messages.
I started blogging last year a little before BlogHer and I couldn’t believe all the dieting talk. Oy.
So, no. If you are heavier than I imagined it won’t make a difference to me. As long as you don’t have an accent.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Headless Mom says:
Maggie, this is great. I’m a sophomore this year and you are spot on. Of the people that I wanted to meet last year I can honestly tell you that I really don’t remember thinking about their weight. Actually, I remember noticing height! One blogger, for some reason, looked really tall to me in one of her pictures and when I met her I was looking up. How embarrassing for ME when she came up to my shoulder! Luckily she laughed. I have written some BlogHer tips on my blog if you’re interested.
We love your words and heart, Maggie. There is no way we wouldn’t love you too!
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Amanda says:
I am awed, humbled and fucking terrified every day, by what our minds are capable of twisting. I was at BlogHer last year, barely 2 months after having my third child. I felt naked the whole time, ashamed of my low stats, my soft edges and my leaking breasts. I cowered in corners and kicked myself for going. Upon returning home I kicked myself more for letting so much impede me from what I wanted, from things that had nothing to do with cup overflow or content fluff.
I am looking forward to a 2nd try. No bull shit.
Meeting you in person will be incredible!
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
mb says:
you are amazing and beautiful. seen?
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Bon says:
you’re right. the energy that goes into all this self-hatred is strangling, unforgivable…except that how can we not forgive ourselves, so prevalent is the discourse that we can’t escape it?
i was an art model in college, too. it was the best thing i ever did for my own appalling body image at the time. except the mostly male students kept giving me these perky grapefruits for boobs.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Miss Britt says:
I am much too concerned with being labeled the “loud, obnoxious one” to notice what anyone else looks like.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Scary Mommy says:
Would it be weird if I planted a huge kiss on you next month? Because I want to now. I loved this post.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:20 pm
sam {temptingmama} says:
I friggin’ LOVE you. LOVE.
I can’t wait to meet you.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
meredithwinn says:
you’re exactly right “This is my sad little bet: No one is going to think you’re fat at BlogHer because they’ll be too busy worrying about how fat they themselves are. I’d be willing to put money on it if I had any.”
i really believe that too. everyone is so wrapped up in their own “internal hecklers” as kate said. true that.
and that story of your friend posing nude and the outcome? wow, that’s fascinating, really something to think about (at another time, another place) ha! thank god i’m not going to blogher this year
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:06 pm
always home and uncool says:
No one will be looking at weight. BlogHer is all about how cute your shoes are.
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:23 pm
MA Fat Woman says:
I just admitted it and got over it. There’s no denying nor hiding the fact that I am a middle aged fat woman! Pass the cheesecake!
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Emily R says:
most likely i’d just hate you for your hair.
no blogher for me.
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Angella says:
This is perfect, Maggie.
I work out (and “shed”) but it has nothing at all to do with BlogHer. And when I have self-image issues it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with anyone else.
As a second-timer to BlogHer, i can attest that the build-up is a little ridiculous.
You go, you meet old friends, you put faces to close blog friends, you make new friends. There is a lot of smiling, hugging, and loving.
Any drama that happens is due to people expecting more than what it is all about: spending time with friends.
(Meaning: you can’t be close with 1,200 women, so if someone doesn’t spend time with you, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. There are only three days…)
Looking forward to meeting you
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:01 pm
abdpbt says:
I live in LA, so I’m always obsessed about my weight! I wish I could turn it off, but you’re right–everyone is concerned with themselves and not giving the way you look a second thought, except to say, “I love her hair,” or “I wish I had her boobs.” I think we are our own worst critics usually.
Great post.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Andrew says:
The phrase “body acceptance” comes to mind.
As an art model, I found your story about the figure drawings of interest. Also noteworthy is that art students need to learn to draw any body — not just idealized bodies — so art classes use models with diversity of age, size, gender, etc.
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Kirsten says:
Thank you for writing this. I wasn’t really worried about my appearance at BlogHer until I started reading how worried everyone else was. I honestly don’t pay any attention to what everyone is wearing or how much they weigh.
Well said.
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
flutter says:
you know I know this. You know I do.
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Robin says:
I hemmed and hawed about going to BlogHer when I got the offer of a last minute ticket from the waiting list. I ended up surrendering to the budget fairy and deciding not to go, but this stuff that you’ve written about (not just weight, but the whole ethos you’re discussing) weighed heavily on my decision as well. Not because I’m overweight (which I am), not because I don’t wear makeup (which I don’t), not because I don’t wear heels, not because I’m not straight, but because I was reading a lot of that stuff too, and I got enough of that for a lifetime in high school (back in the dark ages). I just couldn’t quite imagine spending all that money to be surrounded by people who were talking so much about weight and diet products and makeup and hair and clothes, etc. I just don’t fit, and I figure maybe there’s another conference sometime that might be a better fit, so maybe I should save my meager dollars. Don’t get me wrong, the deciding factor was money, but this was in there. I’m so grateful to you for saying it was kinda freaking you out. That was enough for me.
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Mojo says:
Okay, in the interest of getting this right I’m going to put it as simply and succinctly as I possibly can.
Maggie, you are beautiful inside and out. And I’m something of an authority on the subject, okay? Photographer, remember? It comes with a good eye for beauty. (Remember the comment that introduced us? Sure you do. Keep that with ya in Chicago.)
All that aside, when you show up at BlogHer, the people you meet are gonna be so awed to be in the presence of omigod that’s Maggie! that they’ll paint you with their very finest brushes. Because your very best feature is your Maggie-ness. And it shines so bright nobody can see past it.
And if some snarky bitch says otherwise, you just let me know. I know some people.
June 23rd, 2009 at 4:45 am
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo says:
Damn you woman.
You are so right.
And no one will remember what you wore, unless they covet it.
(wish I was going to just bask in your light)
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:06 am
Hilly says:
Maggie,
You are amazing! This post is one of the best I’ve read when it comes to this type of situation and I completely agree with you.
Although I don’t do BlogHer, I go to several other conferences and blog parties throughout the year and I kid you not, it took me a good two years of doing that before I stopped caring whether or not people would think I am fat.
Which hello, I am.
And people who read my blog know this.
And they accept me online.
If people suddenly shun another for being overweight then pffft and whatever with them, honestly. We should go to these things worried about how we will find time to enjoy all the new people we meet and that is it!
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:55 am
kelly says:
This is where I think I might be a total freak of nature because I don’t care. I’m not worried about what I’m wearing, whatever is in my closet, and I love my size 10 ass, love it.
When I go to all the posts and see all the people writing about what dress they are going to wear or what shoes, I feel sorta internally ill. It makes me sad for us as women, but that is the I don’t care if you shave your armpit type feminist in me.
What I DO worry about is will I be articulate enough? Will I be taken seriously as a writer? Will there be other women there who I vibe with?
As for you, I’m gonna smother you with love. I think you are so beautiful, so be you a size 2 or a size 200, watch out Maggie Girl, I’m coming armed with hugs.
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:17 am
Karen Sugarpants says:
I recently started running again and somewhere I made a point of saying I’m doing this for me, not on the BlogHer deadline, not for anyone else, but because I need to get healthy for me.
But.
I’m still squishy and wondered if people would say things like, “I thought she was running again, why does she look like that?” You just reminded me why I shouldn’t care. Thank you for that.
Besides, squishy hugs are totally better, anyway!
xo
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:34 am
Postmarc says:
“If you and I have met and grown close in this space, I know your heart. I am in love with your insides. I am in awe of your writing prowess, or your resilience, or your wit, or your brass balls. I know you and I adore you and the chance to meet you in person is priceless. Let me ask you, do you not feel the same way?”
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Just don’t send Dave to beat me up because I feel that way about you.
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:48 am
sizzle says:
This post is awesome for many reasons.
One, it totally speaks to what I have been thinking. So many bloggers have told me they want to lose x lbs before Chicago and while I am on a health kick, it’s not entirely inspired by meeting bloggers for the first time at the conference but rather for ME and the long haul. I have felt worried about people meeting me and thinking I am larger than I *seem* on the internet (whatever THAT means) but really? I have not had a bad meet up experience yet. So screw the body image worries. We’re all equals as bloggers at the conference! (Or at least we SHOULD be.)
I am so excited to meet you!
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:38 am
Chickdowntown.com Kyra says:
Such a great post, so true…it’s really interesting to hear how the students drew your friend. There are so many points to take in stride from this post…
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:48 am
Caroline says:
Thank you. Because of you, I got over myself and got a bathing suit that I don’t hate. Now my toddler can experience the wonder that is a swimmming pool.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:30 am
Body Image « Bourbon in my Bottle says:
[...] Body Image I had a whole post written yesterday. Almost clicked publish, but decided not to. I deleted it this morning. It was whiny and pitiful, which is not a side of me I want you to see. I was going to just let it go, but then as I was lurking, I read this post. [...]
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:37 am
Mustang Sally says:
I love this post and couldn’t agree with you more. The part about your friend who modeled for the art students is especially interesting.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:17 am
Lotta SVOBODA says:
Awesome post!
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:18 am
Jewels says:
Another one of my favorite posts!
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
KayO says:
A word of support for the art students … Each student has a different inner vision, that has very little to do with the flesh in front of her/him. Some are focused on shadows, some on textures. Some deliberately distort to make an interesting shape composition on the page. Each view of the subject is different; if I see more chair back than the person next to me, then I use that chair back as a departure point for the flesh it frames. I may want to contrast the figure vs. its background, so the figure may take up more or less space on the page depending on how I’m playing up the darkness of the rug or whatever.
Point is, I do not think the differences in the drawings has anything to do with perception of the model. The model is a visual cue, nothing more. The models I have drawn had imperfections and didn’t care. The indifference is what made them good models; we could get past the giggly “I’m naked” and just focus on the shapes and shadows and textures that made this composition interesting to each of us.
P.S. Great post on self-image. But please don’t imagine that art students are making judgments either. They’re trying to draw, dammit!
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Melissa says:
EXACTLY! Took me a bit to realize this one…
June 23rd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
WhyMommy says:
Nicely said. I can’t WAIT to meet you at BlogHer. And I totally don’t care what anyone looks like.
Susan
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Maria says:
This will be my first time too. I’m excited but so scared. I look up to my fellow bloggers in a tremendous hero-worship-y way. I’m gonna be a total boob.
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Woman in a window says:
Shit! I so did not get the memo that we’re supposed to be worried about our appearance. Double shit! Are we supposed to buy new clothes? King sized dump! I’m screwed.
Oh wait. There’s a clause. You said Wisconsin-icity. Isn’t Canadian a close second?
Baby, I’m coming with my ass jiggle, my moustache and my old stinky shoes. Wanna dance? (I probably won’t dance. I’ll trip in my moustache.)
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:24 pm
magpie says:
While my doctor and my dress size might suggest that I need to lose weight, I’m basically comfortable so the hell with it. I like you for your head and your words, and I can’t wait to meet you.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 pm
A Free Man says:
I’m obsessing about my weight right now too – weight loss. I’ve been losing weight and can’t really figure out why. I went to my Dr and he freaked me out even more.
I know that isn’t what you’re talking about, but needed to get that off my chest. Phew.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Mr Lady says:
Yeah, the only thing you really need to know before you go to BlogHer is your alcohol tolerance on an empty stomach. You can stop reading those posts now.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Bea says:
You’re totally right, of course. I don’t care about the cupcake you just ate, as long as there’s one for me too. Pass the bourbon, and let’s forget about ….what was it?
June 24th, 2009 at 2:26 am
Justme says:
Great post Maggie…
And I find your friend’s experience with the art class truly intriguing…I have so noticed that myself with myself…when I look back at photos of myself before baby weight, I remember that BACK THEN I still felt fat, and when I looked at the photos, I totally thought I was fat…but now, when I actually AM heavier, I wonder how I could have ever thought I was fat then?
June 24th, 2009 at 8:08 am
jenB says:
I don’t see the worries as narcissism, but as insecurities. I think we all want to be our “best”, whatever that may be. It is daunting to go and meet 800+ people, and people want to bring their entire arsenal of first impressions, lasting impressions, whatever. It is scary and intimidating to think about going, but once you get there, or at least once I get there, EVER year, those worries melt away.
I think it is ok to want to look nice, but I wish people wouldn’t hinge their potential enjoyment of the conference on it. It ultimately never really matters. At least that has been my perception.
I will still love anyone regardless. Just don’t step on my big toe, it is kind of sore since I keep stubbing it.
Nicely done post.
xo
June 24th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Alexicographer says:
Urk. I love the blogosphere, but, uh, if the result of getting female bloggers together is everyone worrying about their weight then I’m not sure it’s worth it. (Though I don’t blog, or go to blogher, so what do I know?)
June 24th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
quin browne says:
funny….i worry about seeing my beloved oddship again, because i’ve become a man while waiting to move–eating crap food over the sink, living in sweats and a tshirt and not shaving (well, my legs).
i worry because i’ve picked up 20lbs because of my change in habits, and my dodgy thyroid.
he’s gained 90. stress, you see.
in my eyes, he’s still wicked bad hot… and i’m a chunk.
why do we do this to ourselves?
June 24th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Christina says:
I agree with you that many will be more worried about their own appearance then they will about judging you.
I am one of those trying to lose weight/get fit/improve my self-esteem, but it’s mostly for me. I know that when I’m in better shape, I feel better about myself, and that translates to less insecurity and more fun at BlogHer. And it may be shallow, but I know I’ll end up in photos somewhere online, and want to look at least as good as I can for those pics.
Sadly, I can’t convince myself that no one will judge me based on my appearance. I’ve been judged like that – quite openly at times – far too often to believe that everyone truly cares about only what’s inside. Deep wounds take time to heal.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
vodkamom says:
I’ve decided I don’t give a shit if I’m fat. Now pass the chips.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Maya says:
What a beautiful post!
Why would anyone try to lose weight just for Blogher- I truly do not get it!
BTW- Your writing is beautiful!
June 26th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Eliza says:
Dave just asked “does Maggie have to get naked at the Blog conference?” Oh, guys…
June 26th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Zoeyjane says:
If I see you and I’m ballsy enough, I’m hugging you. As long as you promise you won’t call me tiny.
June 27th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Pat Coakley says:
I’ve gained two pounds just reading this.
June 27th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Cecily says:
It’s funny; while I have had those thoughts (and I think I even tweeted one in a weak moment) one of the great comforts of working so damn hard to accept my body as it IS and not as I WISH IT WAS means I don’t have to spend a lot of time at BlogHer thinking about that shit. I am fat, and I’m not gonna stop being fat without a whollotta magic, and therefore I can relax and just look forward to meeting people like you instead.
June 28th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
JIllian says:
Body image is SUCH a touchy issue, but I think you’ve managed to address it with grace. You’ve hit the nail on the head that we are so involved in our OWN body that we rarely take the time to focus on that of others. The myth that we are focused on others is perpetuated by the media’s idea of cattiness among woman. I don’t dispute that it’s there, but in situations where we are all newcomers, no one gets to be the queen bee enough to think about how great she looks and how everyone else should bow to her. Excellent thoughts in this post.
June 29th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
This Mama Cooks! says:
You are so right. But what’s so amazing about BlogHer is seeing that cool, smart, talented and funny women come in all shapes, sizes, colors, sexual orientations, and ages. It’s an event that accepts and embraces that – even if our inner voices are telling us something different. And because of that I’m eternally grateful that BlogHer exists.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Meg says:
Oh, I needed this. Thank you for articulating this!
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Catootes says:
Well done!!
Thanks for putting these words and sentiments together so well.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Deb on the Rocks says:
We still be judging people on their shoes, though, right?
July 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Auds at Barking Mad says:
Hopefully one of these days I’ll be grown up enough to look at BlogHer and the obsessiveness that surrounds it with the same attitude as you do.
When you’ve spent the first 20 years of your life extremely think (as I have) and the most recent 20 years, morbidly obese (as I have), there is little else to do but foster the paranoia about what others think of you, as I do.
Until then, I’ll just sit here, hide behind my obese insecurities, and count down the days until my gastric bypass surgery and wonder how many years it will take me to let go of all these anxieties and go to BlogHer.
Bravo, Maggie, for a beautifully articulated post. I admire your honesty and envy your attitude.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:56 am
TAG says:
Why is it women stress over the little things surrounding BlogHer?
Sure, I stress over conferences I attend. But that is because usually I am speaking or teaching or trying to sell something to my fellow attendees.
But a purely social conference where you are an attendee there to meet, greet and have fun. Why stress? Just go and be yourself.
Dr. Seuss said it well.
That that matter won’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.
Also, for what it’s worth I wrote a post with advice for a BlogHer attendee about a year ago.
Things That Matter
Have fun.
TAG
July 12th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Jen Hinton says:
I want you to know that I won’t be looking at anyone’s weight…I want to know the people behind the blogs and not what they look like.
I think you are amazing because of your amazing writing and the incredible things you have done with Violenced Unsilenced. That’s why I can not wait to meet you!!
July 15th, 2009 at 8:44 am