And the wall comes crumbling down
I hit some sort of wall Thursday night. Like, I couldn’t move my face and I couldn’t lift my arms and I couldn’t think or say or do one more thing and I realized I was mashed up against this wall, drool pooling at the corner of my mouth and sliding down the glaze to crust and I thought, I cannot do this.
It came on the heels of an emotional couple of weeks, I’ll grant myself that. Losing our dog was tough and although my kids, now out of school for the summer, still need plenty of attention from me, at four and nine they are at least past the ages where I have to stare at them every single second because they might bite that electrical cord or pee on the carpet or sprint happily into traffic (hello, puppy!) Complicating matters is the strange coincidence of two really intense, really compelling writing projects that have me swamped in interviews and research and honest-to-god tough conversations and did I mention we spent three days at a carnival and oh, yeah – my Internet has been down.
This is the first day in two weeks that I haven’t had every minute scheduled, and I find I have yet to peel my face from the plaster. Above all, I’m ready to admit it: working on Violence UnSilenced is hard. Okay? I’m not superwoman. I don’t have a purple cape, nor the ability to repel sad slings and arrows without falling wounded. I can’t leap these houses of pain in single bounds. It’s hard.
I won’t bore you with the details of the chaos on Thursday but I will say that throughout it all, I was learning about the world from three different people, each of whom were suffering, each of whom were trusting me, and in the end I crumbled. Let me quickly state for the record that these people were not burdens. They were not adding to my stress. My stress came from an inability to fix things, even though not one of them was asking me to. My pain came from too much seeing, too much awareness of how things are out there and knowing there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Most of all, I wanted to wrap my daughters in sunshine and rainbows and spirit them away to a place where bad things never happen, even if it meant we never saw the rest of the world again. That’s how Thursday felt and, quite honestly, it’s how I’ve been feeling ever since.
Because Lord, the world is full of awfulness.
I slept eleven hours last night and I woke up feeling more at ease because the truth is VU gives me far more than it takes. I can bear the hard stuff because in every single case — every single case! — I learn something and I come away with the sense that I am in the presence of greatness. I am in awe of what it takes to become a survivor, what that really means, who these people really are, all they’ve had to endure. And I am inspired.
There’s more. I haven’t mentioned it yet on this blog, but Violence UnSilenced is up for a “most inspiring” award at BlogLuxe. There is no monetary gift attached to it or anything like that, it is simply about awareness. The winners will be recognized at a party BlogHer weekend. Should we somehow win, a whole bunch of people who are not yet familiar with VU will learn about the site.
The reason I haven’t mentioned it yet is because I have a very hard time with these awards, particularly the ones that feel like a popularity contest. I also have a hard time promoting myself, especially when this thing I’m promoting has so little to do with me, as VU is written by others. Most of all, “inspired” is not how I felt on Thursday. It’s not the word that comes to mind when I feel that icky slick of competition and Look at me! and arbitrary rules. It’s not how I feel when I’m tired, when I’m sad, when I’m feeling completely and utterly helpless. My wanting to hide — or worse, cut and run — is not inspiring. But I can promote this award because it isn’t about me, it’s about them — and believe me when I tell you these people are inspirational.
I read these stories, all of these stories (have I mentioned we’ve had a two-and-a-half-month waiting list since the site launched in February?) and I marinate in them and I get to know each of these people and every single day, sometimes several times a day, I have proof shoved in my face that there are unspeakable things happening right this minute, as you’re reading these words, as I’m frantically typing them out, myriad unspeakable things and if you don’t yet get that then I won’t shut up until you do because it is the only way, the only thing, that can be done. The people perpetrating these bad things are crouched comfortably in the notion that fear and shame and power are on their sides and that if their victims won’t talk they can keep on doing what they’re doing, and so we are stripping them of that monstrous comfort with an ongoing cacophony of voices that will not be silenced because they did not do anything wrong and I’ll tell you what, that is inspiring to me. The idea that we can affect real change with our voices, with writing in particular, has got me peeling myself off that wall and turning around to face the foe.
These survivors have been through the worst things and they have somehow found the strength to not only rebuild their lives and believe in humanity again, but to share these intimate experiences so that you might learn, so that you might be helped yourself, so that someday it will stop.
I think about them and that wall evaporates. It was never there at all. Damn right that’s inspiring.
If you find VU inspiring too, I hope you will take the time to vote. You can vote every day, once a day in each category, until the ballot closes July 6.
Whether or not you participate in the voting, I hope you will continue to support the site as so many of you have so well and so richly and so steadily. To me, the fact that you have helped create and support and promote Violence UnSilenced is almost as inspiring as the stories themselves. Thank you for all that you already give.
ChurchPunkMom says:
I hope you get some rest this weekend, Maggie. You certainly deserve it.
I have voted, and I hope that VU wins that award, Lord knows it is richly deserved.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Cary says:
This is why I love you. This is why, for the first time, I told my story out loud to someone other than a therapist.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
SP says:
Well-said, love. I’m so proud of you, even when your face is in the wall.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Marinka says:
I’m actually surprised that you don’t have a purple cape because the VU site is amazing. I’m not surprised that it takes a lot out of you. Your own writing is so gorgeous that I can feel how much emotional poignancy you absorb.
I read as much of VU as I can and it takes its toll. It’s hard work and we’re all better for your having undertaken it. So all of this is my way of saying thank you. And of course I’ll vote for VU. I wish I could vote for you too for most inspiring.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
perksofbeingme says:
I love you and you are awesome.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Coco says:
So glad you are hanging in there. I know it has to be hard. You want to right every wrong. Take care of every injustice to humanity. I think if I had to work with people going through this I would collapse from my inability to make it go away, make it so it never happened again. Or maybe I would just go postal on a few deserving wretched excuses for humans.
Everyone….please go vote Violence Unsilenced is so very important.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
quin browne says:
i gladly voted…not because it’s a blog you started, but, because it deserves to be voted most inspiring.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
flutter says:
I’m proud of you. But this sense of weight that you carry, is precisely why I haven’t given you a post for VU. You are good people.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Chris says:
I know it’s not nice to just copy other people’s comments but in this case, that’s just too bad cuz I’m gonna do it anyways!
I love you and you are awesome!!!!!
June 13th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Kat says:
I’m voting most days but feel free to nudge me because some days I’m barely online.
Sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed but I know you know how worthwhile what you’re doing is. Doesn’t make it easier.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Christy says:
Sometimes it seems so easy to feel pinned under the weight of an overwhelming amount of horrible things that are happening all the time. When I’m stuck in that place I feel helpless and I feel hopeless, and I worry that there is nothing any of us can do to make it better. But then…then if I do one thing–just ONE thing to make a difference in SOME way, it gets me out of my way a little bit and able to move forward and move on to the next (bigger) thing I can do to make a difference. Sometimes that one thing is reading VU and leaving a comment.
VU IS inspiring. I won’t pretend I don’t feel sad or cry when I read, or that these stories don’t weigh on me. But when I think of these amazing people who share their lives and their stories…when I read the comments that are so genuine and supportive, I feel like there IS hope and maybe we’re on the right track.
You deserve that cape, and so does everyone who speaks out on VU.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Fran says:
What? No cape? Gee, it seems that doesn’t change how I feel about you, this site, UV, any of it. Personally, I’m inspired by your efforts, your vision and by the brave people who are willing to tell the truth about themselves. The people whose courage in the face of their own trials and struggles brings light into the world. Yes, the light is shining into some dark corners, but we’re better for the knowing.
When I read the stories I’m invariably moved. It takes me a while to respond. Whenever possible I venture out and read their blogs. Get a feel for the person they are – more than just the story they’ve told of the pain and hurt. I like to get a better sense of them. I pray for each of them (and their families). Then I allow myself to comment, hopefully with words that encourage and give support.
I can only imagine how much more you are affected. Do what you need to do to regroup. I pray that you are able to stay brave, stay strong. You are performing a tremendous service for society by providing this forum.
June 13th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
jodifur says:
I get it. I work in family violence and child abuse and sometimes it is almost too hard. But the work you do is important. And valuable. Thank you.
And if it makes you feel any better, I cried myself to sleep every night last week over A HOUSE. I, am a moron.
June 13th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Kay says:
I came across the BlogLuxe awards from another site that felt perfectly comfortable promoting themselves. I went there to vote for them – but then saw that VU was also nominated in the same category – and I’ve been voting for VU daily since then.
You’re doing an amazing thing.
June 13th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Jennifer says:
I’ve been having a “wall” day too–but you’re right, when you kof those stories on VU it puts things in perspective…
Great job on that site!!
June 13th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
anymommy says:
It’s an incredible site. I’ve been voting regularly, but you’ve reminded me not to slack off.
June 13th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Ann says:
Congratulations seems an odd choice of words, but I’m glad your contribution is being recognized.
Do you know about compassion fatigue (also known as vicarious traumatization)? The more you surround yourself with people’s hardship the more consciously you will have to ACTIVELY take care of YOU to avoid burnout and illness, etc…
Just a tidbit I picked up from social work school. Actually an entire class.
Thinking of you.
Ann
June 13th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Veronica says:
Voted, a couple of times now. Also that wall? If you look around, you just might find me flat up against it too.
June 13th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
nonlineargirl says:
I am so glad to hear that this project is giving you back more than you are putting in. This is as it should be.
June 13th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Kate Coveny Hood says:
You’re a good woman doing good work, Maggie Dammit. And hard work at that. Work that I don’t think I could do without losing pieces of sanity here and there. It’s hard to read and embrace those horrible beautiful stories that have far too many familiar resonances for comfort…
I will absolutely give VU my vote. Won’t be able to see you win since I’ll be at the beach during BlogHer (a conflict that while disappointing, may also be for the best this year). But I will be thinking of you and those courageous voices that need to be heard.
June 13th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Pouty Baby says:
Congrats on the recognition you so deserve Domestic Abuse Intervention Services:
“You were selected by a committee of Board members, DAIS staff, and community members to receive the DAIS Community Service Award this year in recognition of all that you have done to honor the voices of battered women.”
I am voting every day, and I have a link on my blog to tell everyone that I am a survivor and I am asking them to vote.
June 13th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Sunny says:
I think we’ve all reached a point in our lives when we realize we’re not superwoman (or supermom, for that matter). We crumble and break down and beat ourselves up because we’re not perfect, we’re not all-knowing, and most of all, we can’t wave a magic wand and fix things.
Even though you may feel weak, you may feel overwhelmed, and things may seem hopeless, you truly are showing your strength.
No, it’s true you can’t fix the people whose stories are sent in – but by the simple fact that they sent anything in at all is helping. It may help them, it may help someone who has been in denial, or is scared. They see themselves in a post and realize “I could have written that,” and maybe, just maybe, they’re inspired to take steps to change it.
If even one person is helped because of your hard work and dedication, then you’ve done good – you’ve helped fix something. Not only is VU inspiring – You are
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
*hugs*
June 13th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
krista says:
i have always wondered if perhaps you internalized much of this. granted, i don’t know you. but i have an intuition that you feel things deeply. most great writers do.
you are doing a great thing, listening. and providing a forum for people to speak their truth. sometimes there is no greater gift one human being can give another.
thank you.
June 13th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Mojo says:
Take a look around this comment section and then tell me how VU can not win in this category. Inspiration is what VU is about. It’s even inspired me, the most jaded, disagreeable, uninspirable old cuss to come along in the last 50 years.
No matter how the voting turns out, no matter how the judges select the winners, VU is going to have a whole lot more readers and a whole lot more impact when this thing is over than it did before it started.
In other words, it’s impossible to lose in this case — bling or no bling. And for some of the people who have posted, and for some who will in the future, this represents maybe the first time that anybody’s stood with them — the first time anybody’s had their backs. You ask me, that’s pretty special dammit.
You know I’m voting every day. And if anybody has trouble remembering to do it, I have an email list I send a reminder to every morning. It’s BCc’ed for your protection, so if you need a nudge, just let me know. There’s plenty of room left on the notification list, and if I have to create another one to get the word to everybody that wants it, I have no problem doing it.
Because for the first time in a long time, I”m inspired.
June 13th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
I had a post all done and then Wordpress 2.7 ate it as punishment for not upgrading yet. Or maybe it knew I should be writing THIS post instead. Fucking omniscient bastard. | MagnetoBoldToo! says:
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June 14th, 2009 at 3:28 am
tysdaddy says:
“My pain came from too much seeing”
Indeed. We are a rare breed, those of us that live with open eyes to the pain around us. You go one step further and give people the chance to be heard, to share how they too turn away from the wall and live each day with hope, despite the pain.
A dear friend of my wife lost another baby this week. And she’s still there, inspiring others.
Sending you all the minutes I can spare to help you in any way I can . . .
B
June 14th, 2009 at 7:42 am
won says:
Hmm…my dilemma comes in writing a comment here, and not a post.
This line resonated within me:
“Most of all, I wanted to wrap my daughters in sunshine and rainbows and spirit them away to a place where bad things never happen, even if it meant we never saw the rest of the world again.”
Oh…how I wish. But my precious little girl is already in that place where she’ll never see the rest of the world again… without me, and I’m pissed for me and heartbroken for her.
I will have to respectfully disagree with this line, for me:
“These survivors have been through the worst things and they have somehow found the strength to not only rebuild their lives and believe in humanity again…”
I have neither rebuilt my life nor do I believe in humanity again.
The loneliness rings so loudly in my ears I can hear little else.
Hijack over. I’m off to vote. Again and again.
June 14th, 2009 at 8:51 am
tysdaddy says:
I came across a quote this morning that fits here . . .
“Innocence involves an unseeing acceptance of things at face value, an ignorance of the area below the surface… One cannot have both compassion and innocence.”
~ Eugenia W. Collier
June 14th, 2009 at 8:51 am
yo is me says:
i’m sorry you hit a wall. actually, it was probably a long time coming. please let me or anyone else know if you need help with this huge, beautiful project. i’m sure any one of your commenters will be willing and excited to help you in any way the internets allow
love.
June 14th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Nicole says:
I’ve always thought that the best kind of good it that which is borne of the worst of the worst of evil. If VU isn’t a shining example of that, I don’t know what is.
Thank you for inspiring me, and so many others, to do something POSITIVE with some of life’s most NEGATIVE experiences.
June 14th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Postmarc says:
You know, Dammit, we come here, we read, we often ache because we don’t have the answers for you, but know this:
We love you and all that you do–OFD, VU, god, especially VU, and above all, the little family. And if this means you take a few more eleven hour naps to give you a break between what you can fix and what must be left to a higher power, sleep on sister, sleep on.
Take a deep, long breath, and slowly let it out . Close your eyes, center yourself, and know that we’ll be here for you when you wake.
June 14th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Kay Pelzek says:
Maggie,
I voted, and will continue to vote, but looking at the numbers girlfriend…I think you’re taking it!
June 15th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Tricia says:
What you’re doing is important work, and you know that, you feel it, you believe it and I’m thankful you’ll not give into the weight. I’ve voted every day since you announced the nomination on VU, I’ve posted it to my own blog, twice to my Facebook page, twice in Skirt! magazine. When you ask for help and give us an opportunity to lift a little of the weight and participate, it’s exactly what we want to do anyway. As a conduit, you’re very much not alone.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:48 am
arizaphale says:
Whether you write it or they do, you are the facilitator so kudos to you for the nomination. Oh…..and I know what plaster tastes like recently. Not from the same wall, but a wall nonetheless.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Lil says:
VU is an amazing, eye-opening, life altering, perception altering, horizon expanding, perspective changing miracle of a site. You and the survivors who have the incredible courage to share their stories are truly an invaluable inspiration, resource and every good thing that I can’t even possibly think of. VU contributes to healing of those who have been abused and taking away the power of the abusers. It’s appreciated more than I could ever possibly express and that’s why I’ve been voting every single day since I saw the link on Mojo’s site. Raising awareness for VU and for the horror that is abuse is so incredibly important. Thank you again, Maggie. Thank you so much.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Gwen says:
The world IS full of awfulness. And it makes me crazy to know I can’t protect my daughter from it, not completely. I am drenched in anxiety. I really admire you for reaching out to help others even as it makes you anxious, even as it causes you pain.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Missives From Suburbia says:
Consider it done.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:58 am
fancy feet says:
I’ll echo what Kate Coveny Hood said and that is that you are a good woman doing good work. Truly.
I voted. I hope it wins! Take care of yourself.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
WhyMommy says:
Hi, Maggie. I can relate. Running MothersWithCancer isn’t exactly relaxing. But it’s important, and so is Violence Unsilenced. I’m so proud of you for taking this on, and glad that you’re reaching out for support when it gets hard too.
Hang in there; we’re behind you.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Merritt says:
Maggie, the work that you’re doing, that inspiration (not to overuse that word) is so, so important. Because yes, it’s inspiring for people to read about these womens’ stories and raise awareness, but also, it’s important for survivors to share their strength, their courage and their conviction with the world. You provide an outlet for THEM to inspire others. I know, you inspired me, and I thank you for giving me the outlet and the opportunity to tell my story and hopefully inspire others. I know thousands and thousands of other women thank you as well.
I won’t say anything cheesy like, “don’t give up”, or “you can do it!”, all I’ll say is thank you.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Sunshine says:
I voted for you because VU is the first place (outside of my therapist’s office) where I’ve felt it was possible to share my experience. Feeling like I have a voice in a space that you created; that is inspirational – thank you.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Mom says:
I wish I could somehow protect MY daughter from the pain and burden of caring so much, but that would be trying to limit her immense heart and I would never want to do that.. It’s a tightrope we walk and it never ends. I am so proud of you, Maggie and I ache for you and wish I could spare you some of the anguish that comes from following your heart, but there it is. What else would I wish for you? You are an amazing woman and I think it’s time I made you a purple cape.
Love you.
Mom
June 16th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Heather says:
I have been thinking about this for a while and I am starting to be really dismayed by mental health services offered to children.
There are many, many children with issues stemming for abuse that go untreated because their parents will not permit treatment or seek care for their children. What do you think? Is there any movement in this area?
June 16th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Gypsy says:
Maggie, you do good work.
June 17th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Aunt Becky says:
I have a number of people I’ve read who have lost babies and their stories weigh on me sometimes. But, like you, I get back more from these people than I lose because I love them and they are my friends.
Hang in there, Maggie.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Zak says:
I think you are amazing.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Woman in a window says:
Maggie, you might not have the hands to fix everything but I have seen such a formidable impact you and your site have had on-line and I am humbled. You do good, woman. You do lots of good. You deserve to have this recognition but I understand how you’re deflecting and why. Either way, I hope it comes to you.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Mr. Chuck says:
Maggie,
If there is one thing I know what you are doing is getting the word out and making the formerly “overlooked” few visible and goving the a voice. For that I thank you and bow down to you.
Keep up the inspiring work,
Chuck
June 18th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Meg says:
Hi – I’ve hit a bit of a blog wall myself – haven’t been writing or reading or commenting like I wish I had time to. Just wanted to say hi, and thanks for all your fantastic writing, and – I’m still here.
Have a great weekend.
June 19th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
kelly says:
Oh hon, I know this feeling. I really do. Listen, do not feel bad about promoting that site. You should. It matters. You matter. The more people that read that site, the more you do to support women. I hope you win. If you do, I will be cheering like a madwoman.
June 21st, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Amber says:
I think it has been a whole year now that I’ve been stopping by without saying a word. I love the way you write, woman. I am always left with the impression that I could stop by right now and would find you, in your house, smelling exactly as you should, and then I could seamlessly talk with you while you scrub your sink.
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Alli Worthington says:
I vote daily.
You and everything you touch are fabulous.
{claps wildly}
Can’t wait to finally meet you in Chicago.
xo
June 26th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Okay, Fine, Dammit » A good honest venting. says:
[...] listed in every directory, tweeting my little heart out. Right now we’re in the middle of this silly Internet contest and I’m making myself crazy over it, peddling for votes and emailing my posse and taking it [...]
July 6th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Mr. Nuggets says:
Maggie, I have been swamped since the time your wrote this entry and I missed it. I remember that Thursday and thank you for pushing through – not only that day and every day.
VU is a labor of love. I see it every Monday and Thursday and wish there were something I could do to help.
You, sweetheart, are an inspiration. Thank you for VU and all it means to those who post.
July 13th, 2009 at 10:33 am