Madeline Spohr
I can’t explain to my family why I’m so sad today; there’s no way they would understand. The only people who will get it are you, you out there, and so I’ve come to this space to add my liquid prayer to your ocean of empathy, to set it a-sail, to hope it reaches its rightful owner.
I mean, what can I say to my husband? That a “friend’s” 17-month-old daughter died unexpectedly? Because we’re not really friends, right? I’ve never met the Spohr’s.
But I know their names as solidly as I know anyone’s in my “real life.” More than that, so much more than that, I know that sweet baby girl’s face. How many times have I scrolled over it in my Reader, my own daughters screaming, “Stop!” My four-year-old smacking her warm palm down on my mouse-hand, saying, “Wait! Go back! Show me dat cute giwl again. I know her! Who is dat, mommy? I know her!”
Because they saw that face a time or two on this computer, and it was the kind of face you can’t forget. It was the kind of face that triggered an instant grin on my own. How many times did I lean across the couch to my husband, giggle, and show him that face? Watch his own smile break like a wave?
Still. I am here, on spring break, shuffling through the sand a bit slower, hanging back, healthy and blessed and happy and yet, not. Hugging my girls a bit tighter, answering their questions a beat or two late, distracted. Grief-stricken.
How do we explain to the rest of the world how well we have come to know each other, all of us here? So that if one of us suffers an unfathomable loss we feel it like our own gut-punch? Who is that, mommy? I know her!
I knew her too, baby.
I’m shocked. I’m sad. And I’m so, so sorry.
May she light up heaven the way she lit up earth.
***
In lieu of flowers, the Spohr’s have asked that donations be made to the March of Dimes in Maddie’s name. The link is here.
threeundertwo says:
The first thought on my mind when I woke up this morning was of Maddie.
I do get it. It’s a sad day for us, whether we “knew” Maddie personally or not.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Janet says:
Heartbreaking.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:45 am
natalie says:
i am with you. so sad. these people we have come to “know” online have a special place in our hearts. they get us. and to think that one of us is experiencing such loss hurts the rest of us. so very sad for mike and heather.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Secret Agent Mama says:
You said all I can’t seem to say this morning.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:46 am
pgoodness says:
Yes. Maybe we don’t know each other in “real life”, but we KNOW people on this internet and it hurts just as bad as if they were our neighbor next door (so to speak). Definite punch in the gut today. I mentioned it to my husband, but even though he understands, he doesn’t really get it.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Karen MEG says:
A beautiful, beautiful face indeed. The world has lost a wonderful little soul. And my heart cries for her parents.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Meg says:
I hadn’t even heard of Heather until the Twitterers I follow started retweeting about Maddie. So sad. Unthinkably sad. I donated. God bless them.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Carol Pyles says:
I fully understand how you feel. One guy I follow on Twitter his 5 yr old son passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago and I was in quite a bit of shock and very sad for him. And everytime I read another post on his blog I tear up.
So yes I understand.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Redneck Mommy says:
It hurts to breathe when I picture Maddie and Shale lighting up heaven together.
My heart it hurts.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Sarah says:
When we read about someone’s life everyday, there is a sense that we know them. You read their desires, fears, and things that make them laugh everyday just as you would with someone you knew in real life. It is not suprising to me that you would be grieved over these news, and I truely feel for the family. I cannot imagine such a truamatic event. My heart goes out.
Sarah
April 8th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Mrs. Messiness says:
We share so much of ourselves here. Heather shared Maddie with us all and we all lost her.
I am with you- hugging my babies a little tighter this morning, not being able to stop wondering what it would feel like to know they wouldn’t sleep in their beds tonight. I feel for her mommy and daddy so much- I am so sad for them and can’t explain it to my real life either.
My she live on if only in our hearts.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:09 am
melissa says:
i hadn’t heard of her either. until twitter. either way…
this is the saddest thing i’ve heard. and i’m so sorry for the family.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Insta-Mom says:
You said it perfectly and beautifully.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Kristine says:
I’m hiding in my office this morning with my door closed. I never close my door.
I’m hiding because I can’t stop crying for Heather and Mike and Maddie.
My husband called and I was mid sob. I tried to explain to him that the daughter of my “friends” passed away. He kept asking “but how do you know them.” It’s so hard to explain to anyone else how you feel so connected to someone when you read their blogs, exchange a few emails here and there, and occasionally tweet to each other.
Maddie was eight days older than my son Kiel. All I want to do is go to daycare and pick him up and hold him.
I just can’t imagine…
April 8th, 2009 at 9:13 am
anymommy says:
exactly. all the love and warmth and prayers and tears I have are with them.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:19 am
megryansmom says:
Stumbled upon your blog through Twitter, which is where I first “met” mamaspohr. Your first paragraph could have been written by me, only our url friends would understand.
Heartbreaking!
April 8th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Coco says:
Tried to use your links to their site. It says the account has been suspended. That bothers me because it is the same host that I use. I wonder if the family took it down or if it crashed due to heavy traffic.
This is so sad. I can never understand or comprehend why a tiny life is taken so early.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:29 am
diana says:
This is such a sad day and, you are so right, it is hard to explain.
I searched all day yesterday for good news about Maddie and went to my computer first thing this morning with the same hopes. When my husband found me crying, I explained and showed him a picture of her. It is hard to explain the connection to someone we’ve never met, but there it is and we all feel it. I hope the Spohr family can feel all it as well. They are in my prayers.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:29 am
maggie, dammit says:
It’s down because of heavy traffic. Samantha (temporarilyme, @temptingmama, same awesome lady who designed this blog) is on the phone with the hosting company as we speak.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Jen says:
I am constantly in awe of your ability to put into words exactly what I want to say. My “real life” friends have a hard time understanding my tears today for a little girl I didn’t “know”. Thank you for reminding me that in our own way we knew her and loved her as if she was our own.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Fairly Odd Mother says:
You’ve said it so perfectly. My heart is heavy with this news. So sad for the family.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Kyla says:
Exactly. I gasped this morning and said, “She died. I can’t believe she died.” to my husband, who was a little bewildered by it. But in our virtual community everyone is feeling it today. Everyone.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Chicky Chicky Baby says:
It doesn’t matter if we’re a community of people who have never met face to face, we’re still a community who cares. My heart aches for them today.
Thank you for putting this into words when I couldn’t.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Molly says:
I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. I couldn’t stop thinking about Maddie. I keep hoping it’s all a bad dream. and yet, like you, I didn’t personally know the Spohrs.
When I first saw a thing about “not sending flowers” posted on twitter, I thought “wow. heather must be getting flowers sent to maddie’s room or something. I guess Maddie’s allergic”. When I realized what had happened my stomach dropped. I started to feel sick.
Today I mourn the loss of a little girl I didn’t get to meet. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t look forward to seeing Heather’s posts about her. I adored her smiley face. Maddie, beautiful girl, you are SO missed already.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Nicole says:
The Internet is not as impersonal a space as some would have us believe, that’s for sure. This post, and the resulting comments, are proof enough of that!
God bless this sweet little child and her family.
April 8th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Alison says:
I have never met Heather and Mike either. Losing Maddie has hurt me just like I had spent hours and hours, in person, with the family.
There was little sleep last night for many people, myself included. And I now, more than ever, believe in the mission of March of Dimes. Maddie was here for just a short while, but the amount of people she touched is proof that she is a little miracle baby.
April 8th, 2009 at 10:32 am
SusieO says:
You said it just the way I’m feeling it. I’m a beat late with everything today…and tears at the brim of my eyes. Nothing makes sense to me today. Not a single thing.
April 8th, 2009 at 10:38 am
HeatherPride says:
My heart is absolutely broken for Heather and Mike. I have been trying to get through to their site but it’s still down. I am overwhelmed with emotion at the loss of sweet Maddie. I am just so, so sorry. I can’t even imagine.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:25 am
stacy di says:
How horribly sad. I never “knew” her, or read her blog…My heart goes out to her family. I think that’s the worst kind of loss in the world. I just couldn’t imagine.
I know what you mean about online “friends”! I love one of your commenter’s term “url friends”. Every time you see the quotation marks, I’m doing the fingers-in-the-air quotes a’la Chris Farley.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Mr Lady says:
She is your friend. We are real friends. We are sisters and neighbors and companions and this love, this connection, it’s important and it matters and it changes lives.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Jennifer James says:
When I read about Maddie this morning, I cried. It’s the first time I’ve ever been hit with such a flood of emotion for someone I didn’t know in real life, but knew just the same. I am so sorry for Heather and Mike. This is such a hard time for them. It’s heartbreaking.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Jes says:
You said everything that is going on in my heart. It’s like we all “know” eachother but we don’t. You spend so much time getting know these women who have these blogs that say what you are thinking, women that feel the same way you do and you KNOW them as real people and your heart just aches when they ache. I tried to explain to my hubby but he can’t grasp the idea that I am mourning and hurting for this beautiful little girl that I had the pleasure of getting to know online.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Melizzard says:
Thanks for finding the words to say what we are all feeling.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Amy says:
You said everything perfectly. It’s very hard to explain to other people. Thank you!
April 8th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Jessica says:
I couldn’t have said it better myself. When I heard the news this morning, I too, was struck down with grief for our dear friend Heather and her family. I just saw Heather Thursday night and wish I had been able to hug her a little bit harder and little bit longer.
This community of moms is known for being powerful…and I know we’ll all help carry on beautiful Maddie’s legacy and offer our shoulders for Heather to cry on for as long as she needs.
Our donations to March of Dimes will speak louder than any words. I ask others who are able to donate to the March of Dimes in Maddie’s name with all of us.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Stephanie says:
I didn’t even know of this family until I saw all the tweets today and my heart breaks for them. Such a tremendous loss, words cannot even touch it.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Monica says:
You’ve said what is in my heart so well. I am crying all over again.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Angella says:
I have been on the verge of tears since I opened my laptop this morning and heard what happened.
You captured it all so perfectly. Thanks, Maggie.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
cindy w says:
Such a sweet post. My 2 year-old keeps getting confused because her Mommy has been randomly bursting into tears all day long. Of course I can’t explain it to her, she’s far too little to understand.
We’re all heartbroken. It doesn’t matter if your only connection to the Spohrs is via the Internet. Empathy isn’t finite.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Anna says:
Thanks for putting how I am feeling into words. You said it perfectly.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Chris says:
I didn’t know of Maddie until this morning, but it still breaks my heart to know that such a sweet little baby has been taken from her family.
I hope that something can be done to bring her site back up. I’d imagine it’s only a matter of exceeding bandwidth because there are so many people who care. Kudos to their company if they can make this an easier time by just letting her words be there for all to see. Sometimes words is all we have and I hate that they’ve been hidden away.
My heart is with all those who are hurting for Maddie and her family.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Upstatemomof3 says:
I didn’t know Madeline and her family before today but I am still so sad for them. My tears have been flowing all day long. I too am hugger my kids just a little tighter. God Bless!!!
April 8th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Kristin says:
YES! I’ve been crying all day. My twin two year olds keep asking if “all done crying Mama?”. Like you, I only know them thru the internet, but I felt like they were family.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas says:
I’ve been sharing in my Reader all day every Maddie post I’ve come across. This one is the best because you’ve said what we all feel – we aren’t hijacking a grief that doesn’t belong to us. We really feel it. We share it. We are shattered for Heather and Mike, two people I’ve never met either.
Shattery and tearful and really, truly stunned and grief stricken.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
modbev says:
I, like many people was shocked and heart-sore when I found out this morning that Maddie was gone. Your post clears the clutter and aims at the heart of internet friendships.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
mrs.chicken says:
I can’t stop thinking about them, all three of them.
Yes, this is it exactly. Oh, my heart hurts for these people. I cried all through the grocery store.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Michael/badassdad05 says:
Thanks, Maggie. Well said. Certainly better than I could have said it.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Jenny, Bloggess says:
I kept rereading the tweets, hoping that everyone was mistaken…that this was all a mistake.
My heart hurts so much.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
vodkamom says:
My heart is heavy today…….
April 8th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Anna Marie says:
Thank you for saying what I haven’t been able to. My husband also doesn’t understand why I have been crying since 2:00 am, since I read the tweets posted about Maddie’s passing. I am so profoundly sad for Mike and Heather, and I will miss Maddie so very much.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Mojo says:
I’d never heard of the Spohrs until this post. Not that this makes a damn bit of difference, because no matter who it is nobody should have to suffer the loss of a child — especially not one so young. It’s not the natural order of things. It’s not fair.
My kids are grown now, but I’m not ready to outlive them. I can’t even begin to get my head around what this family is going through. But a while back a friend — blog friend — said something that I found remarkably profound. She said: “One’s life is never in vain no matter how short if people remember you.”
Those are all the words I can choke out. Because even though I don’t know this family I ache for them. This wasn’t supposed to be this way.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Midwest Mommy says:
You have said exactly what I have felt all day. I am in mourning for a girl I never met and a family I have never met. I feel like a part of my heart has been ripped out over a little girl I have never met. IRL people just don’t understand “us” and how much we can learn, care and grow from each other.
Oh sweet Maddie girl.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
ms. changes pants while driving says:
this is exactly how i feel. who am i to grieve for a family? i tried explaining it and felt stupid. the posts are amazing. the money that is being raised is amazing.
i am in complete and utter shock. have you seen the list of posts at http://amomtwoboys.com/for-maddie/?
get the donation badge here http://www.marchforbabies.org/charity_badges.asp?si=&p=1&w=131032674&u=marchformaddie#vertical
April 8th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Kel says:
It is sad and I feel like I’m in a fog. Each time I checked the reader, there it was like a blinding light bringing me right back to all that I wanted to push away, because it hurt.
A beautiful angel welcomed home….
~K
April 8th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Heidi says:
I feel it too. It is hard to tell anyone on the outside. For me, it’s a fear that they we demean this bond that we have here. That their lack of understanding with belittle it all. And it’s not small, it is something that affects my heart and my life. I am so sad and sorry for them.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Daddy Dan says:
Beautiful, beautiful post, Maggie. I’ve read a lot of posts about Maggie, but your’s has truly hit me in the heart.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Sophmom says:
I didn’t even know her as much as you did, but only stumbled across her Mama’s second to the last tweet last night, and then the last desperate tweet. I went to sleep thinking of them, woke up thinking of them and they’ve been in my heart all day.
FWIW, my sons are grown. It was a little weird at first, but they’ve gotten used to my having “internet friends” especially since, over time, I’ve gotten to know so many of those people face to face.
May many friendships hold Heather and Michael through this (and get her blog back up again).
April 8th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
nic says:
i know, my lady… i know. and “i know” because we don’t “know” aside from what we share on here.
what a beautiful tribute.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Coral says:
I read your blog all the time, and many others, that I never comment on, one of them being Heathers. Each blog today has such beautiful words for this baby girl none of us ‘know’. Its heartbreaking. Its beautiful. Its confusing. Its hard to understand unless you ‘know’ these women and their families.
Kiss your little girl and tell her she’s right, she does know Maddie.
April 8th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Adventures In Babywearing says:
“May she light up heaven the way she lit up earth.”
Oh, yes.
Steph
April 8th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Auds says:
My heart breaks for Mike and Heather..into a million silvery shattering pieces.
Maddie…you beautiful little girl…you beautiful little angel.
April 8th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
MereCat says:
My heart is in a million pieces. I don’t know how to even talk about it.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Robin ~ PENSIEVE says:
I think Maddie’s story so resonates with all of us because of the things we have in common–motherhood, love, sharing ourselves with our community. Your perspective speaks to each of us…and we grieve a precious life lost.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
blissfully caffeinated says:
So incredibly sad. I have no words. That gorgeous, gorgeous little baby. It’s just heartbreaking.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Postmarc says:
This is one of the few times where hearing a site crashed is a good thing–Thanks for Samantha to the web site rescue, and for bringing the story to those of us who didn’t know.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:43 am
#sob « May I Be Blunt? says:
[...] had no idea what was going on, only that she was upset. I got online, and headed immediately to her new post (which says it so much better than I can, so go read it if you haven’t already). Two minutes later I was on twitter, clicking Trending Topics, suddenly bowled over by the grief, [...]
April 9th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Dutch Blitz » Life Is Too Short says:
[...] in memory of Maddie and would be simultaneously inspired and heartbroken. On my lunch hour I read post after post that made the tears spring forth. The good that was happening from this (Very, VERY) bad [...]
April 9th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
AMR says:
Maggie,
My sympathies to you and the family. While hosting my daughter’s 5th birthday party a year and a half ago, my cell phone rang.
It was a friend that I hadn’t seen in several months (we used to live in the same town and then both moved away). I was filled with excitement as I took the call, only to hear her say, “I’m not calling with good news….”
Their younger son, a 2 year-old ray of sunshine, went to sleep the night before and never woke up (COD is still unexplained). Words, even if I were to try to write like you, can never, ever express the absolute grief-stricken heartache that gut-punched me, choked me, took my breath away. I blindly left the birthday party, packed a bag, and made my way to Indiana. The whole five hour drive is a blur to me. I cried, I screamed, I cursed. How, HOW could this happen? Why, WHY did it have to happen to them? What do I do? What could I possibly do to help these dear friends? What would I say?
When I arrived at the funeral home, I just held this family. And she said to me, “Now what, Angi? What do I do now?”
A month later, instead of sending Christmas cards (how could that have been possible?) the family sent letters with a very moving exerpt by Loren Eiseley, from “The Judgement of the Birds,” in The Immense Journey. They asked us to chose to be “singers of life and not of death” in honoring and remembering their beloved son.
I still cry for Tristan. My heart aches for him, for his brother, for his family. But I am a singer of life and I rejoice with this family for the tremendous strength and faith they have demonstrated.
Let me tell you, nothing, NOTHING makes you squeeze your own children tighter and hold them a little longer than the loss of someone else’s child. Because it could’ve been yours.
Be well, Maggie. It sucks.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
ShellyD says:
I would do the exact same thing with my husband. I would come across Maddie’s picture, laugh and then show my husband this cute baby. So sad.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Friends « The Ivey League says:
[...] Maggie said it better, but no matter how many people look at me like I’m crazy when I talk about my “bloggy friends” or “Tweeties”…I will no longer apologize for talking about the friends I’ve met online. I will not let myself feel self-concious for asking you to pray for them. (I wouldn’t if I was asking for a friend I know in real life!) These people are real, and they’re real friends. Just think of Twitter as the watercooler for my stay-at-home job. But unlike most people, I get to chose my co-workers. I bet you wish you could do that, huh? [...]
April 9th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Amy says:
What lovely thoughts. I would do the same thing; I would be looking at her pictures and show my husband and we would laugh. Such a lovely little angel who will be loved by many always. And what an impact on the world this little girl has made; she touched so many with her bright spirit.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Captain Steve says:
I never knew them or their little girl, but thoughts and prayers to them and their little girl.
April 10th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Jewels says:
I do understand. I think honestly that sometimes we know the people we know “here” better than the ones we know “there.” Out there you have all these distractions that get in the way…all this chaos that gets in the way of words and feelings. On here that is all we have and we get to know each other on a much deeper connection. I was very sad to hear about her today…but it’s incredible the support her family can get from “us”….”here.” I had a TIA stroke on Monday and I was very blessed to have some great family and friends by my side…but you know who was really there? TONS AND TONS of people online. People who I have never met who feel forever bonded to me…it’s incredible. I think it anything just showing our support to her family will act as some superglue to hold their hearts together.
April 10th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Woman in a window says:
It’s overwhelming, isn’t it? It hurts when others hurt. And there’s a whole bunch of hurt out there right now. not fair~
April 11th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Tracey says:
This is the first I’ve heard of this, and I’m just a wreck. It should never, ever, ever be this way. It’s unnatural. It’s wrong. I can’t begin to imagine their grief.
No matter how well you do or don’t know someone, it takes all of 1 millisecond, trying to fathom what anyone must go through when they lose a child, to feel this terrible, terrible ache at the wrongness of it. My heart just breaks for them all…. Sweet, sweet girl….
Think I’ll go get my babe up from her nap just to breathe her in….
April 11th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
merlotmom says:
You are so right. I had a hard time explaining to friends how upset I was over someone I met through blogging. It’s odd how close you can feel to people you have met only briefly or never met. Thanks for saying it so beautifully.
April 11th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Musing says:
I watched a video tribute to little Maddie and just sobbed. The world has lost a beautiful spirit.
April 13th, 2009 at 5:16 pm