Go
If I had to pluck an adjective from the air to best describe me I would handpick “guilty.” Maybe I’d scan the skyline for supplementary modifiers such as “obligated” “overly-responsible” and perhaps “dramatic depressive” if I felt especially verbose and I had really long arms. I certainly would not choose “adventurous,” nor “spontaneous,” and never in a million reaches “carefree.” I’d watch those words float around and land on more deserving people, light and unapologetic upon their broader shoulders.
Tell me, is it a curse or a blessing to know exactly what your problem is, exactly what words in this lifetime you may never reach no matter how high you stretch? Is it better to just wander among them blissfully unaware of their collective presence, or would you rather know them and face them even if it meant constantly cowering in their shadows?
I do not leave. I do not abandon anyone emotionally, my friends steady at my side from the day we meet. I do not leave anyone physically, my hometown mere minutes from my driveway, my parents a sneeze away. I don’t wander dark streets alone at night. I don’t fly off on vacation for a week, with no one to drive my rental car or read the map or lie solid and predictably at my side in my bed. If it was up to me, I’d never leave the house at all and yes I know how unhealthy that is, I’ve seen Oprah. Part of this inertia is born of fear, but a much larger part is straight-up guilt. I just can’t do or say or think a single thing without wondering how it’s impacting you, what you think of me, the gajillion ways I’m so far from perfect. I bear an unbidden responsibility for everyone else’s feelings and it doesn’t matter how often or how sincerely you tell me it’s unnecessary. I smile as quickly as I can so that you will never feel discomfort in my presence. I smile until my cheeks hurt and no one is looking before I drop it like an armload of bricks and always, always a toe or two gets smashed.
I am fully aware of how silly the whole thing is. I get that no one else can make me feel this way, that nobody asked me to proclaim myself Keeper of the Feelings. I get that it’s all about me and no one else. I get that I set myself up for failure on a daily basis. And, yet? I don’t know how to change.
Today I looked up and stared straight into the sun and plucked “Go” from the spot where words think they’re safe from me, the pool of floating phrases I never dare directly face like “Me First” and “Who Cares What They Say” and “Don’t Look Back.” I plucked that unfamiliar word and I slipped it into my pocket and though I feel it pulsing at my thigh I’m ignoring its burn and for once I’m just going. I’m going where it’s above freezing and where the sun isn’t such a snobby bitch and where I won’t be anyone’s wife or mother or daughter or friend. I’m going where I’ve never gone before and if I weren’t as terrified and flayed-flat guilty over the whole thing then there would be no point at all, now, would there.
Would there.
See you in a week.
Melissa says:
Go. Enjoy the warmth of the sun. Better yet, enjoy YOURSELF.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:08 am
BiblioMom says:
I’m going with you. Only in spirit though. But I need to go to.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:10 am
BiblioMom says:
too
January 31st, 2009 at 11:10 am
The Cotton Wife says:
I never go anywhere either. Actually right now the phone is off the hook so that I also don’t have to talk to anyone.
I get the feeling this won’t be a fun trip for you so I’ll just say, Be Careful.
See you in a week.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:12 am
The Introvert says:
Bravo! I hope you come back refreshed and revitalized.
I still struggle with doing anything for myself. Even if I enjoy myself, I think somehow it will come back to bite me.
I hope you have a great time! Get a tan for me
January 31st, 2009 at 11:19 am
pgoodness says:
GOOD FOR YOU! Have a great time.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:26 am
Redneck Mommy says:
Life is too short to live with fear my friend.
Feel that freedom and enjoy it. It makes life that much sweeter.
Smooches.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:40 am
V-Grrrl says:
One of the best lessons I’ve learned in my 40s is to step out of my comfort zone and go where I haven’t gone before: geographically, psychologically.
Have a good trip. : )
January 31st, 2009 at 11:45 am
Mr Lady says:
This post made me cry, like nothing you’ve ever written has before.
Go. GO.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:54 am
Kathy U says:
Wow, me too.
January 31st, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Kat says:
Have a kick-ass time, Maggie, and we want to hear all about it when you get back.
January 31st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
racheld says:
What territory you coverin’, Hon? I think I’ve got the Heartland pretty well taken care of.
Fly Fly Fly—contrary to myth, wings DON’T melt.
r
January 31st, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Beth, Scottsdale, AZ says:
Being keeper of all feelings is a huge job and a little warm sun and vitamin D will be good for you.
January 31st, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Jim says:
No one will fault you for enjoying yourself. Have fun.
January 31st, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Neil says:
Enjoy. Just remember sun screen. You don’t want to go too wild.
January 31st, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Frogdancer says:
There’ll be times when it’ll be scary and lonely, but mostly you’ll be able to BREATHE and you’ll absolutely love it.
I’m going to the UK when Evan finishes high school. Just me. I’ve wanted to go my whole life but I
‘ve never been and I need to get there before I’m in a walking frame. Only 6 years to go…
January 31st, 2009 at 2:03 pm
pamela says:
It’s brave to leave the house.
It’s clever and brave to leave the house to go somewhere it’s not freezing. Very clever.
And when you come back, the warmth in your house with your husband and your babes will out-warm the sun. It will rock.
January 31st, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Meg says:
This trip will be good for your soul. Embrace it. Enjoy it!
January 31st, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Kate says:
Wow; you’ve summarized your dark side of holding up the feelings of the rest of the world quite beautifully and I’ve locked onto it as if the words (I wish) had come right out of my mouth/mind and onto the blog. I feel like this constantly but no amount of recognition, acceptance of the unhealthy trait, or insight into the beast EVER translates into meaningful change.
Don’t they say that recognition of the problem is over half of the journey? I say b.s. Some of this stuff is so hard wired into who we are that we can have deep insight into the mess but no path out of the dark cavern and so we just sit….forever it seems.
I’ve definitely gotten dumber (that’s really sad) as I’ve gotten older. The ingrained habits are deeper and less likely to change. I look at my 91 year old mother and know that as she will, I will take a lot of this “s…t” to the grave with me.
Oh, but my comments are depressing and I apologize. I just relate so to your post today.
Wishing you freedom from the inner chains that bind you. Even though you hold the key, it may be tough to actually fit it into the lock and break free.
In answer to your question, posed so eloquently: I think I’d rather walk through life clueless and without insight into this problem. “Seeing clearly” the nature of the beast and being impotent to change it is worse. (in my humble opinion).
Enough!!! Enjoy the sunshine.
January 31st, 2009 at 3:26 pm
father muskrat says:
How far south will you be?
January 31st, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Jennifer says:
I totally know what you’re saying b/c I’m the same way.
Try to enjoy yourself!!
January 31st, 2009 at 3:47 pm
3boys1mommy says:
You’re coming to California!?!
January 31st, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Kelley says:
Go babe. Go.
I am so proud of you.
January 31st, 2009 at 4:12 pm
For Myself says:
Aaaaaaaannnnd…..She’s OFF!
January 31st, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Fran says:
Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. We’ll look for you on the flip side.
January 31st, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Rhea says:
Go…and Good Luck!
January 31st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Jett says:
Congratulations.
….and welcome to the dark side. Careful, adventuring is terribly addictive. >:o)
January 31st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
sweetsalty kate says:
“…where I won’t be anyone’s wife or mother or daughter or friend. I’m going where I’ve never gone before and if I weren’t as terrified and flayed-flat guilty over the whole thing then there would be no point at all, now, would there.”
!!!!!!
When I close my eyes and I go to sleep (sleep sleep sleep sleep…)
…You hear, the secrets that I keep, when I’m talking in my sleep.
seriously.
January 31st, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Indigo says:
Mariah, gave me your link and I thought I would stop by to say Hi! And your going *dramatically wilts and feels unwanted*…Not a chance *winks*. Everyone and I mean everyone, including you could use the occasional break from blogging.
I have to hand it to you though, I though I had the creative market cornered on reasons to step away from the keyboard. I’ve come to realize you can’t please everyone. Those that matter will continue to be there. So I’ll see you in a week. (Why yes, I do have a flair for the dramatic – as if me, a stranger matters)…Have a great vacation hon. Let the noise in your head quiet down long enough to enjoy what your heart is needing. (Hugs)Indigo
January 31st, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Andrew says:
I think that you should just stay for a few extra weeks until Dave and the rest of us get down there!! Don’t let Jr say no!!!
January 31st, 2009 at 6:30 pm
daysgoby says:
Run, Maggie, Run!
(And have a WONDERFUL time!)
January 31st, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Denise says:
You GO, Girl!
(Sorry, it’s the best I could come up with.)
January 31st, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Alison Veres says:
When my first child was a little over a year old, I went on a trip. To Peoria. In an MG. With the top down. I stayed in a Motel 6 for two nights. Drank a few beers, watched some TV, read some, slept. I went on the trip because I needed it. I needed it, and I knew it and I took it. From that time to this, I have been on many trips and adventures, but not once have a felt I NEEDED it like I needed it that time. Twenty years of child raising, four beautiful, amazing children and I have never felt I needed to GO, except for that one time. And I think the point of this story is, when you do what you need to do? It changes you. I think by taking what I needed, I realized for myself that when I need something, I can take it. And I should. Seems so obvious, doesn’t it? But sometimes to really learn something? To really own it? You have to do it.
January 31st, 2009 at 10:34 pm
arizaphale says:
a) I think self awareness is always a good thing
b) gotta watch that ‘taking responsibility for everyone else’ thing
c) sounds like a great idea.
Get a move on.
February 1st, 2009 at 2:05 am
Kendall says:
This does sound like a wonderful idea. As someone who normally flies by the seat of their pants, I most definitely understand the need to just “do” something.
Be sure to collect $200.
February 1st, 2009 at 4:53 am
bluestreak says:
Maggie, I’m so glad you found that word you needed. We all need it sometimes.
February 1st, 2009 at 5:08 am
Chris says:
Is it better to know? Probably not. But “ignorance is bliss”, no matter how true, has never been my path, nor I suspect has it ever been yours. And knowing is not half the battle, but it is a start. The goal after all is not change, but acceptance and love.
For some reason I have never been able to verbalize, going always seems to help (as long as you come back). I have worn a St. Christopher medal every day since I was seventeen. It reminds me that life is a journey, and we are all travelers on the Way.
February 1st, 2009 at 6:02 am
IB says:
Brilliant. Always.
February 1st, 2009 at 9:04 am
Paula Schmitt says:
Maggie,
Have a wonderful time – enjoy yourself!!!
It does a world of good to get out and away
from time to time
Thinking of you…
February 1st, 2009 at 9:15 am
Mojo says:
Hmm… now all of us (or all of me anyway) are wondering about your destination. As cold as it’s been where you are, pretty much any place would be warmer so that’s no help.
I wonder how many people besides me are reflecting on this and wishing you’d turn up within 100 miles of them. Hell, 200 miles. Or 300. (After 300, you’re getting a little bit extreme just for coffee. Even for me. Unless it’s really good coffee…)
Wherever it is you’re going, I feel confident in saying everybody here is cheering. Because you could go down the deepest, darkest rabbit hole to the most bizarre Wonderland and pull it in after you and you’d still have us with you. And normally? I’d qualify that with “I think” or “I feel” or “I daresay”… but I read the comments. And I don’t “think”, I know.
You’ll never be alone Maggie. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never pull that one off.
February 1st, 2009 at 9:24 am
Debbie says:
Maggie! So proud of you! I’ve been in a place at one time in my life where I couldn’t go anywhere. Literally, stuck in panic mode. Years, I lived like that. Finally gave in and took medicine and I will never go back. Go! An action word you can’t ignore. I hope you have a wonderful time wherever you are and we’ll be waiting to hear how it went!
February 1st, 2009 at 10:23 am
Natalie says:
Enjoy your day(s) in the sun. I find myself hermitzing myself all too often, and when I come out of my hole I feel so much better.
You know, OUR sun is not a snobby bitch at all, in fact, we rejoice when it rains.
Just sayin’.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:42 am
we_be_toys says:
Vacation is something I look forward to all year long. Right now, I have four months until I take my favorite sabbatical. Like you, I never go alone, at least not without my lovely assistant/driver/main squeeze along for support, but it’s good to get away, to forget about this virtual world for awhile.
Unpack that suitcase of guilt – you won’t need it on vacation, and seriously: you never have to worry one iota about how I feel. I want to insert a quote from The Big Chill here (“Well you never have to worry about that with me – you know I don’t like you”) but I’m afraid you’ll think I’m serious, instead of the opposite. I adore you, and long to take that backpack of worry off your shoulders. “Sometimes you just have to say, what the fuck” – better quote?
Have a lovely time!
February 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am
Candance says:
Have fun and kick ass!!
February 1st, 2009 at 2:42 pm
mamatulip says:
I’m all at the same time proud of you and jealous.
Have fun.
Live, love, laugh. And LET GO.
February 1st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Melissa says:
Being self-conscious to that debilitating degree is a rather egocentric way to live. That was a very hard lesson for me to learn.
You CAN be different. You can figure it out if I did, how to change.
As for today, go go go!!! See you in 7~
February 1st, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Mariah says:
YAY!! Go Maggie GO
February 1st, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Gypsy says:
I wish I could go with you. Next time.
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:38 am
Katie Lauren says:
I know your post wasn’t meant to be funny per-say but it did make me laugh. I too am the queen of guilt! I pulled you a few lines from something I wrote a few months ago, it might make you smile
“The other day I cleaned out my closets and gave a few huge trash bags full of cloths to friends. I might be the only person alive that felt guilty because it might not have been good enough stuff, or fit them right.
Who feels guilty about giving free shit to people?”
Have fun!
February 2nd, 2009 at 10:54 am
AMR says:
Maggie,
Three years ago, I went. I only went for three days…..to be nobody’s mom, nobody’s wife, nobody’s volunteer. The guilt I felt and obsessed about until the plane took off was unbelievably crippling. BUT…I arrived to the warm sunshine and I found MYSELF.
Enjoy the sunshine!
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:20 am
Carrie says:
You are so in my head right now. [refer to latest crazy post to verify
]
I think I’d like to pluck a little “GO” from the sky and tuck it in my pocket too, along with a little “WHO GIVES A SHIT?”
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:56 pm
jerseygirl89 says:
Beautifully written post.
February 2nd, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommy says:
Please enjoy and soak up some warm, luxurious rays for me please
February 2nd, 2009 at 7:38 pm
MIT Mommy says:
Enjoy!!
February 2nd, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Trenches of Mommyhood says:
Kudos! Just GO. And enjoy.
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:56 am
Emerald says:
Go is a good word! It can be scary, especially when you’re so used to the everyday. The security of closeness can become too familiar, even cloying. Get out, go on an adventure, break a toe for real! Drop your cushy life for love in a trailor park! (Ok, that’s just me, but I still recommend it!) I did actually break a toe the last time I went anywhere, but it was worth it. Have fun!
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:08 am
Teri says:
“We have been socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us.” (Audre Lorde. Sister Outsider. 1984. 43-44)
I just posted an excperpt, including this, on my site. I thought of your post and thought I’d share. Fear is natural. But we should fight against it and shun it at all costs. Fear only paralizes us. It is (mostly) useless.
Enjoy your vacation.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:25 am
Spring says:
Yippee for vacations! Relax, restore, release, re-create. And have a little fun while you’re at it!
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 am
jill says:
Good for you, life is short and sometimes we have to put ourself first, I did that last weekend. My husband and I spent time relaxing at the beach, It was a beautiful weekend in California and I felt so good to STOP and enjoy this beautiful place I live in!
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins says:
Luck to you on your trip!
May you find “joy” in those words while you’re away!
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Don Mills Diva says:
Have a perfectly spectacular time!
February 3rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
A Free Man says:
Enjoy the sunshine. You should have come down here, we have plenty to spare.
February 4th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
anymommy says:
Have a wonderful time!
February 4th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Woman in a window says:
go-
it’s like opening yourself up for some erotic connect between you and something big and throbbing
NO, not that kinda throbbing!
I hope it paid you tenfold.
February 5th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
SlackerMom says:
Well…………now………..Here’s a post that was written just for me. (NO, truly, I understand..it’s not..BUT IT IS)~
No words hold more meaning and truth for me, than those of this post. Florida would be a wonderful place to be and I am jealous that you TOOK that leap, FOR YOU.
Me? I’m managing a girl’s weekend in my hometown….first time in ages….and I mean, AGES. It’s all I could muster, even though I know an island somewhere, has my name on it~The guilt, of course, has already begun…..but I’m pushing myself out the door early tomorrow morn~
Enjoy your week……They are too few and far between.
Whoever said, A mother’s job is never done….loaded that with guilt.
February 6th, 2009 at 7:13 am
fancy feet says:
Brilliant. I loved this post.
(I’ve been in moving hell and just catching up on blogs and it’s nice to be back here)
February 9th, 2009 at 9:57 pm