Because it needs to be said.
One of my best friends lived for some time with her great aunt in the finest home in which I have ever set foot.
It’s not that it was a mansion or anything, although I suspect by some definitions it was. Auntie was a wealthy woman, advanced in age and experience, and the widow of a founder of a large grocery store chain. Her home was modern, tucked like a jumbo gumdrop on the curved cul-de-sac window of an elaborate gingerbread-home-neighborhood in a wealthy Minnesotan suburb. From the outside it looked like your average run-of-the-mill parade home, as cookie-cutter and interchangeable as any McMansion. On the inside, it was anything but.
At the time, back in 1997, Dave and I were newlyweds and we had just purchased our first house. It was large, and fine, and I was utterly intimidated by it. When I went to visit my friend I had lived in my new home for several months, but the overwhelming majority of my belongings were still packed in boxes. I was so afraid that I would ruin my beautiful new house with my silly, shabby, adolescent stuff. I used to walk through the door of my own home and feel like an uninvited guest, or worse, like the girl invited out of pity, out of place among my fancy, rich, important peers. The modest apartment we’d moved from may have had sloping floors and a two foot gash through the front screen door, but it was home. It didn’t make me feel inferior, unworthy.
Auntie’s house changed my life. Even all these years later, I still recognize and honor the impact. I don’t know how to describe the decor, and that’s the point; She didn’t follow a single rule. She didn’t care what you thought, or how you defined her. She was patently original.
There was an entire room devoted to her ethnic roots, wallpapered in the colors and traditions of her home flag. There was art everywhere, and mostly in unexpected places – like above the dog bowl, or sideways and at eye-level next to the couch where you might like to lie. There were books everywhere, and places to sit and dream at every turn. Each room was markedly different. My favorite room, the one my friend set aside for me to sleep in, was wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling pictures of nude pinups from the 1920s and 30s, a mosaic of unabashed, unapologetic beauty in a long-gone era when that would have been considered especially daring. I fell asleep to dreams of women who felt no fear, no tethers, no stifling mandate to fit themselves into box after box built by others. Nothing in that house matched, and yet as a whole it formed the most appealing thing I have ever seen. I went home after that trip and unpacked every last one of my boxes. I made my house my own.
I’ve read so many posts lately by people searching for their voices, reaching to define themselves and their places in the ‘blogosphere.’ So many are on hiatus, planned or unplanned, or they’re feeling uncertain about what to say next. So many are worried about how they’ll be perceived. Some are worried about popularity, about contests and lists and rankings. Others are worried about hiding their moods, about alienating their readers by being funnier than they’ve come to expect, or more depressed than they’ve come to expect, or basically altogether different than who they think their readers think they are. I’ve been there a hundred times myself. I hate writing “About Me” synopses or pulling out for you my most definitive posts. I don’t think there are any. I don’t want to meet anyone else’s definition. I don’t want to fit neatly into any Technorati tag.
If I could have one wish for you bloggers (and me) in the new year it would be to release yourselves from these shackles that never existed. Don’t worry if you go a week or two or three or nine without posting. Don’t apologize, or explain. Don’t read blogs you don’t want to read. Don’t comment to build your own traffic. Don’t write words mimicking the voices of other bloggers you think have got it made. Don’t post obligatory anythings. Hang each post upon the walls of your space and don’t worry about whether or not it matches the hangings around it. If you are being honest and true to yourself only, the entire thing will speak for itself. It will be its own mosaic of unabashed, unapologetic beauty.
I wish for you all a brave, authentic 2009.
Mariah says:
It’s really hard when there are mean people attacking from all angles, but you are right… Just be yourself. That’s the best advice ever.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:11 am
Corina says:
Thank you so much! A much needed post and a wonderful reminder.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:13 am
Mariah says:
And I am so sorry for your family’s recent tragedy, my prayers are still with you
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:14 am
OHmommy says:
Bravo. This was perfect Maggie. And beautiful, as always. Just what I needed. Happy new year.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 am
Maria says:
“Don’t read blogs you don’t want to read. Don’t comment to build your own traffic. Don’t write words mimicking the voices of other bloggers you think have got it made.”
I hear you. Loud and Oh! so clear.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:21 am
Mojo says:
To thine own self be true. I like it.
But be assured, my dear friend, that OFD will always be a blog I want to read. You caught my attention by being hysterically funny. But you kept it by being authentically Maggie.
Love ya lots kiddo.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:31 am
flutter says:
exactly, friend. Thank you for being inspiration
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:33 am
Christy says:
That was very well said. I really (and thankfully) have given up on wanting my blog to be anything other than what it is. I started it to get back into the practice of writing–to get my feet wet again. It has done that and it’s introduced me to some pretty terrific people too. I don’t even look at my stats anymore…I’m over it.
I do have fear though…I want to move to the next phase with my writing and I don’t know what to do or where to start sometimes. And there’s so much going on in our lives right now that it’s easy to use that as an excuse to let the fears I have keep me stuck.
It helps to know that others have felt the same way…and pushed through it. Thanks for the inspiration and the little bit of a kick in the ass!
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:36 am
marit says:
GREAT post… Thank you!
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:45 am
magpie says:
That is a great post. To thine own self be true.
A brave 2009 to you too.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Tiffany1377 says:
How strange that you hit on this topic today…just when I was coming to the same realization!
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:52 am
IB says:
I don’t know that I agree with everything you said in this post, but I agree with the idea that authenticity is crucial. The rest, it seems to me all depends on the reason(s) one is blogging and where the writer/blog is along the evolutionary path.
Thanks for your though provoking post and happy new year.
IB
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children says:
What is with everyone having this problem of finding their voice? I’ve been afflicted myself with this unfortunate ailment and I think this post was a great start to finding it again.
I don’t know how exactly to articulate this, but I know for me, I’m beyond tired of hearing my own voice and sometimes I want to be like the more eloquent writers. For me, it’s less about getting popular, but more about improving and admiring my own work.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:54 am
Father Muskrat says:
I read Maria’s recent post in the same vein and saw your comment reaffirming it. Obviously, I agree.
That being said, can I put my feet on the coffee table and pin up 1920s nudie chicks everywhere when I visit Okay, Fine, Dammit? Because I’ll totally feel at home if I can (more so than I can in the house on which I pay a mortgage).
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:55 am
maggie, dammit says:
@IB – you’re right, it does depend, and there is definitely an evolutionary path in blogging. Like I said, I’ve been guilty of the same things a hundred times. That’s why I wish it for me, too.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:57 am
tysdaddy says:
Yep.
And, for the record, I am NOT leaving this comment to increase traffic to my blog.
Nor am I trying to be like everyone else.
Srsly.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:58 am
Texan Mama says:
Hi. I’m a newbie here but I love this post.
Personally, I am not having trouble finding my own voice, but for me I’m working on accepting that my own voice isn’t crazy. Or pathetic. Or not intelligent enough for some people. Or not funny enough. I like myself but I struggle with wanting other people to like me too. In a perfect world it SHOULD be enough to like yourself. But, in true female stereotype, I need people and I need relationships so I feel that I have to “fit” into the constraints of what my desired group of friends perceive as “acceptable”.
Lately my friends are all into Organic stuff. I’m not, but I find myself asking questions about it. I wonder if I’m really interested or if I just want them to think that I am. I’m still figuring out what I’m trying to figure out. (Giant question mark there.)
But, your post will remind me to be true to myself. Sometimes it’s hard to come to a balance there – I want friends who are also true to themselves, but we’re all so individual that it’s hard to find people who have things in common with us but are also true to themselves.
Uh, I’m rambling…
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
maggie, dammit says:
@Texan Mama – I struggle with the same things. I feel bad when people don’t like me. The problem with the blogging world is it magnifies those particular insecurities. That’s why I’m trying to think hard about Auntie these days. I don’t want to wait til I’m 70 to feel completely authentic.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Marinka says:
Thanks for the reminder.
It is reminiscent of e e cummings– To be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
(obviously he didn’t have those extra five pounds on his thighs, but still!)
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Goldfish says:
I spent the morning choosing curtains (“window treatments”) for a new house. And I’ve spent the last eight months poking around inside my mind with my baby blog. And this post popped up at a very nice time. Thanks.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Natalie says:
Well said, but I think it is a natural cycle for a blogger. The comments, the desire for more, the annoyance at discovering someone commented on your site just so you would comment back. I used to care a great deal more about what people thought of me than I do now (though I still care a little bit, I’m human), but I think I’ve grown, even as my words and visitors dwindle. I’m focused more on writing what and when I want to write and when I post something apologetically, it is more for myself than for anybody else.
I think A LOT of the mood that you are seeing is a direct reflection on what is going on in the world. My biggest frustration with blogging right now is that I have a lot to say, but I can’t get my mind and my fingers to connect because I am thinking in twenty different directions all at one time. That, and I’m *trying* to focus on the positive as the collective yuck squirms around me.
See? Even this comment…I can’t seem to articulate anything and actually bring it all back to what you are posting about. Sheesh. This is annoying.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Fannie says:
I’ve been saying this for a long time, but as usual you say it better.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Angella says:
This really did need to be said, Maggie. Thank you.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
V-Grrrl says:
I’ve been blogging for years now–through dry spells and depression and cybebullying and creative spurts and great moments of community.
In the beginning I was interested in all the metrics and all the discussions on “how to blog” and now I could not care less. My blog is my online living room and ktichen combo. I’m willing to share that space with anyone who can take a seat, add to the discussion, and not sour the party.
I don’t share nearly as much personal info as I once did and I bured an archive of about a 1,000 posts last year, but my blog remains authentic and true.
I have quit reading blogs that don’t inspire me, make me smile, or that our negative. I hate blogs that exist only to provoke heated discussions, not shed light. I look for blogs and people that have a certain spirit.
Anyway, this is good advice for all artists, writers, bloggers. Be yourself, be true!
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
brookem says:
AMEN!
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
vodkamom says:
That was just beautiful! And, I think that should be mandatory reading for all bloggers – new AND old…
thanks…..
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
vodkamom says:
And another thing….
I think that coming to this blogging world a bit “older” than other people, has given me a certain amount of freedom. I am in awe of incredible writers; I laugh at the humorous bloggers, and I feel stirred by ones who are exposing their deepest darkest feelings. The one thing I am NOT trying to feel is envy. I know we all have our own voice, and THAT is what is so exciting about this blog universe. We can all have our nice little place in this huge place, and become a tiny piece of this ever evolving fabric.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
deezee says:
You are exceedingly lucky to have stumbled into that house and be offered such an invigorating example that you then put to wonderful use. I am very glad your wrote about it here.
I think many of us struggle with finding ‘our voice,’ ‘our path,’ if we have worn several hats, lived several lives and identities. And yes, the mixed-up-ness of it all can become the newly adopted life, but sometimes being in its midst is very disorienting. (uh, yeah, I’m relating to all this!)
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
stacy di says:
great advice for everyone…I agree! thank you.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
betsey says:
Right on!
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
The Stiletto Mom says:
Great advice…and it made me feel better about clearing our my reader yesterday. I got rid of blogs that made me feel bad or people that I suspect or know are mean…out with the bad and on with the good, right?
Best wishes for you to have a wonderful 2009!
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Hilary says:
Well said. Now come visit my blog. Just kidding.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Jeanette says:
Very well said!! I found this via Stumble
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Jennifer H says:
I feel like I’m out of stories – and needed to hear this. Thank you.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Melissa says:
I love this post for so many reasons! Well-said Maggie! I totally agree.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Heather says:
I miss this so much right now! I can’t wait until I finish this “process” and can reopen. Thanks for letting me get a “right on” through your post friend!
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Erika says:
From your mouth to my ears…or shall I say, from your fingers to my eyes?
P.S. Unlike tysdaddy, I’m totally leaving this comment to increase traffic on my blog.
P.S. #2 Thanks.
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Jeremy says:
“If I could have one wish for you bloggers (and me) in the new year it would be to release yourselves from these shackles that never existed.”
Well put!
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Amanda says:
And so we shall pair corduroy and silk, love and sorrow, fluff and marrow, and oh that beauty we shall make.
xo
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Rhea says:
What a great post! I love the idea of your friend’s aunt’s house not following any rules. It sounds amazing. And it’s a lovely message.
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
andi says:
OMG, I love you! As someone who hasn’t posted in almost a month and has been suffering with an overall “meh” attitude about reading blogs lately, I loved this. Thank you.
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Alicia says:
That was the most beautiful thing that I have read in a very long time…thank you.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Melissa says:
Spot on.
I am having a hard time of this as a food blogger, which is where I really devote the majority of my blogging time. I feel like I haven’t found a voice of my own yet. Sadly, it was my husband that pointed it out to me, that I had no voice, and it was like a punch in the gut. He wasn’t saying it with any ill intent, of course, and at least it got me thinking.
Happy 2009, Maggie.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Hammy says:
Many years ago, a good friend of mine was venting her frustration, centred on one of our co-workers.
“I did everything I could.” she said. “I gave her training, information, offered to visit companies with her on calls. And still she treats me like this!”
I listened for a bit more and then realised something, “Judy, she doesn’t have to like you. Not everyone has to like you.”
My friend was turning herself inside-out to gain the respect and liking of someone who, in my opinion, wasn’t fit to hold her handbag. But in Judy’s mind, it was important that connection be made. Needless to say, my observation threw her a bit!
Not everyone likes me; I’m an acquired taste.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
For Myself says:
I have to say that Auntie’s house sounds a whole lot like the one I grew up in. I had times in my life when I treasured the uniqueness of it, and others when I was deeply ashamed of it. .
My blog does the same thing to me. I have moments of bravery and creativity, and others when I’m oppressed by my worries about somebody’s “perception.” Whose? I have no idea.
Regardless, I will hold your reminder close. I don’t know what technorati is, and I think I’m glad for that.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:15 pm
distracted spunk says:
I’m going to guess you probably know that I already agree. If you read me because you like me, great. If you don’t read me because you don’t like me, then that’s your prerogative too. But don’t let my not responding or commenting influence your interest in reading me. Blogging is a community yes, but it’s also an individual activity.
Brave 2009 indeed. I’m hoping it coordinates itself SLIGHTLY better than 2008 did.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:21 pm
But Why Mommy says:
Thanks for saying this. I have this problem all the time. I need to just get over myself and be me.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:48 pm
krista says:
get out of my head.
no, wait! stay! i think you’re good for my head
January 2nd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Christina (from MommyCity) says:
Maggie, I completely agree with you. As vodkamom said, this is one of the posts that should be required reading for all bloggers.
I’ve noticed lately that many MANY bloggers have gone awol. I think those bloggers should all be sent a copy of this post. Many things in the blogosphere have become a contest. Traffic, ranking, popularity… Having those things weighing on your mind as you post just henders your creative abilities. Just sit down and type whatever spews from your brain. Blog for yourself.
Well, maybe that’s not good advice. Maybe that’s why I don’t have any traffic. Ugh.. there I go again worrying about traffic. *laughs* j/k
January 2nd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Elisa says:
Hear, hear! In fact, I’d give you a round of applause for this FANTASTIC post!
“Nothing in that house matched, and yet as a whole it formed the most appealing thing I have ever seen.”
It’s like someone’s personality. Don’t be afraid of showing who you are – why would you want to be liked (or disliked, for that matter) for something you are not?
You are spot on, as usual Maggie!
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Zoeyjane says:
Long. Slow. Clap. (in a completely unsarcastic way) Damn skippy.
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
jodifur says:
What a wonderful wish. I have no idea how to stumble, digg, kirtsy, or any of that. I have no interest and blog self-promotion and the furthest I have gone is twitter. I blog b/c it’s fun, and when it stops being fun, I’m not blogging anymore. With all of us trying to be the next big thing, we stopped being “us.”
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
conversemomma says:
Oh Maggie, some day we are going to meet face to face, and I am going to squeeze you so darn hard I will be able to touch that big beautiful heart of yours. Yes! Yes!
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Rebecca says:
Thank you, Amen and Happy New Year!
January 2nd, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Alison Veres says:
Oh Man. You always make me feel guilty about doing things like leaving comments to “increase traffic” on my blog. You make it sound so base and deplorable. What’s worse, I leave comments not just to increase traffic. I do it because I hope to get praise and attention and compliments. How low can I be?
But look at it this way — it kind of comes down to the golden rule. Treat people the way you want to be treated, right? So… I want people to read my blog… I read their blogs. I want them to comment… I comment on theirs. And I’m doing it simultaneously in hopes of recognition and in genuine and authentic interest in the people I read. That’s not so wrong, is it? Weak, mabye. But not wrong. And authentic, too — in a totally self-interested kind of way. I find it really hard to communicate when it’s just a one way street. I need a little feedback sometimes.
I hope some day to be so stong and so not-needy that I can just write for myself with no concern as to whether another soul on the face of the earth gives a damn what I say. But I’m not there yet. I care.
I’m trying real hard not to… but… hell, I’m a Leo. You know? What can I do?
January 2nd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
maggie, dammit says:
@Alison Veres: No, no, no, not weak. Not low, not wrong, not base, not deplorable. We all want comments and feedback and community or we’d be writing in diaries.
My problem is when people try to copy a blogging style or a tone or a rule because they think it will make them popular. You don’t do that.
January 2nd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Black Hockey Jesus says:
Other people’s houses are interesting. But I wanna see the basement.
January 2nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
tracey says:
Damn straight. Here’s to a year of genuine, heartfelt blogging. No apologies. No guilt. No feelings of committments to be met…
January 2nd, 2009 at 6:29 pm
sweetsalty kate says:
You offer a place like that, maggie. Coming here is like entering those houses that inexplicably smell like woodsmoke and cinnamon all the time. I don’t need to know you any more than this to know I like you, and so much.
January 2nd, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Kel says:
Wow, I am at an utter loss for words. As people we all want to find our place, be it here or at home, and so often we shy away from getting there because of ‘perception’ from others.
Thank you for sharing such wonderful words…what a perfect way to start 2009…authentic!
~K
January 2nd, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Pamela says:
I know I may have said this once or twice before, but you are freaking awesome and I like totally love you and stuff.
January 2nd, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Carrie says:
Oh Maggie!
I love, love, love this post. Someone once told me (about decorating) that if you just purchase and acquire the things you love, than it will all pull together. I love that advice and yes, if you (and I) apply that same principle to our writing, to just write how we feel, what we love, what we know – than how can we ever go wrong?
I mean, really?
Again, I can’t tell you more how much I love these words of yours.
January 2nd, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Musing says:
Wise words, and not just in regards to blogging, but in regards to all of life.
January 2nd, 2009 at 8:47 pm
bejewell says:
My home is filled with furniture handed down from my grandparents and parent, quilts sewn by my grandmother, family photos in frames of all styles — nothing goes together, there’s no theme, except that I love it all. My husband sometimes complains that it’s such a mishmash of styles, but I don’t care. I choose to surround myself with the things, and the people, I love.
Why should the blogging world be any different?
Do I want to be popular? Well, sure. Would I love to get rich off my blog? Um, DUH. But more than anything I blog because I love it, and I read blogs because I love THEM, and in the end, that’s reflected in MY voice, and I know it.
And now so do you.
Shine on, Dammit.
January 2nd, 2009 at 8:57 pm
IB says:
Maggie,
I’m still not sure I get what you are driving at but I gotta admit, a lot of others seem to.
It is indeed a provocative post that has stayed with me all day and has made me examine, and re-examine just what the hell it is I think I’m doing.
I look forward to more of the same.
IB
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:19 pm
floating princess says:
Great post! I gave up on being what I thought people wanted me to be when I ditched my old blog. This time around I blog about whatever I’m thinking, whenever I want. I have few commentors and I’m ok with that. This time it’s just for me.
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:26 pm
sizzle says:
Love this. Thank you.
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Karina says:
First time here. I followed a tweet from @blogtations here and am so glad I did. You said it all. I honestly couldn’t tell you what any of my stats are for any of my three blogs, but I could tell you they’re not great. But here’s the thing…I don’t care. I love writing what I write, and I know I have my few loyal readers who also enjoy it. Now and again I’m surprised to find out I actually have more readers than I thought, and yes, it’s nice…but even if I only had that small handful, I would be okay with that.
Anyway, very well said. I’ll be back.
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Mistress Mom says:
*raises flute of champagne*
WELL SAID!
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:47 pm
won says:
Aho…..my friend, AHO!!
(It’s an old desert term of agreement)
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Coast Rat says:
3 words… RIGHT ON, MAGGS!
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:47 pm
melissa says:
this. was the best post i’ve read!! i couldn’t have said those things better myself. i strive to use my own voice on my blog. to be me. and i think…i hope…my blog reflects that. it’s all me. and i’m proud of that.
happy new year!!
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:49 pm
noble pig says:
Dang I want to see the inside of that place. How completly awesome!
Happy 2009!
January 2nd, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Nora says:
It DID need to be said. Happy 2009!
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:04 pm
maria says:
I love and appreciate your wisdom. Happy New Year, Maggie.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Jewels says:
Amen Sister!
That is why my About me section basically just says that I am fun-sized, a Mommy and I’m married to my best friend. I figure people can stalk me in other ways than spilling out my life story in that little box:)
Well said. I think us newer bloggers are all kinds of worked up trying to figure out how to get our names out there. Not me, I could care less who reads it. As long as at least one person does…even if that is just me!
January 3rd, 2009 at 12:06 am
Jewels says:
Oh and if I could have commented without posting on here..I would have. I only posted because you seriously made the shittiest week ever so much better for me by letting me escape from my own reality by spending hours not being a mommy and stuffing my face with fun food while reading your blog.
January 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 am
anymommy says:
I just looked at this comment box for about ten minutes. You’re always so eloquent, even in comments. I do want that for my blog – unafraid, unapologetic, authentic me (with empathy, without slipping into unkindness). But, I want it more for my life and myself, as a way to live and teach my kids.
It’s the best goal for 2009 I’ve heard yet! I suspect you’re already there, though, and that’s why we love visiting your ‘house.’
January 3rd, 2009 at 2:31 am
Mary@Everyday Baby Steps says:
Best post I’ve read in awhile. It really resonated with me. Thanks, Maggie!
January 3rd, 2009 at 2:58 am
T@SendChocolate says:
So perfectly said. I am going to link to you in the morning (too late and I need to go to bed now). But I just loved this, and had to take the time to comment. It is exactly how I have been feeling, I think.
T.
January 3rd, 2009 at 3:39 am
Madge says:
thank you! exactly what i needed to hear and how i’ve been feeling.
January 3rd, 2009 at 6:40 am
SECRET AGENT MAMA says:
Amen, sister.
I have this big, huge canvas painting of a mushroom in my living room. It’s not a typical painting and most people go “oh ok, mushrooms” and look at it all cock-eyed. But it’s ours. It’s got meaning to us, and that’s why it hangs on our walls.
January 3rd, 2009 at 7:47 am
Teri says:
True that and AMEN!!
You took the words out of my mouth.
We all need to be just who we are. The blogosphere is just a way of holding that up for others to see. We lead by example. And we set the best example by living the best life we can live. And some write about it or write in it or write as part of it. And that becomes part of the tapestry. Peace my friend.
January 3rd, 2009 at 8:58 am
Oz says:
I’ve got a shot of a pin-up girl in my little office. When I look at it, I’m going to be reminded of your words.
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:02 am
Marion says:
As you described your aunt’s house, I looked around at ours and gained new appreciation of our eclectic decorations. Along with that, I was reminded how much I enjoy posting everyday, even if it is only for me.
I came across your site from other links and enjoy your writing.
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:22 am
Mel @ A Box of Chocolates says:
Well put! I like the idea of blogging just for me and not everybody else although must admit that the Type A of me enjoys watching me subscriber number go up too. I want to let go more this year with my blog and just do it for the enjoyment, not the extra pressure. Happy New Year.
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:23 am
Debbie says:
Well done, Ms. Maggie. I don’t pay any attention to any of that stat stuff, but I do tend to not always say exactly what’s on my mind. I start to but then wonder how it will be taken and I digress. You are exactly right and I hope we can extend this same attitude to more areas in our life than just blogging. Perfect shoes, perfect hair, and so on. LIfe is just too damn short.
In the end, it doesn’t matter any way.
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:44 am
Miscellaneous Mum - Trying to find the objective correlative, everyday » Blog Archive » Favourite links of the week #1 says:
[...] A bolstering, affirming post on blogging and authenticity [...]
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:50 am
Jo says:
Thank you so much for that post. I came via Ohmommy and I needed to read exactly what you wrote. I am so there.
Hugs
jo
January 3rd, 2009 at 10:04 am
Dory says:
Wow, Maggie; I feel like you wrote this directly to me!
My blog is like my living room. C’mon in and join the party, but don’t be a dickhead.
I’ve been so frustrated recently… like LIKE ME LIKE ME LIKE ME BLOGGY PEEPULL… but I can’t leave comments for the sake of traffic, I can’t create controversy, I can’t use someone else’s voice. I just… can’t.
One thing I’ve realized just in the past few months is that people seem to respond in unpredictable ways. I’ve written posts that I’ve worked on for literally hours, and only get back a couple comments and page views. But, like, my Dice’s post… something happened, then I sat down and just wrote it out. I didn’t change it hardly at all, or obsess over the delivery or punctuation. And then it was my most popular post! (Well, mostly, due to you linking to it *blushes*) Highest page views, highest comment count… it felt like I really connected and THAT is what I strive for when I write. Connection. But some people say, “You have to write for YOU.” I don’t know. I just know that for a few months I’ve felt like I’ve had laryngitis and I’m starting to recover now. Not ready to yell yet, but getting stronger.
January 3rd, 2009 at 10:29 am
Maura says:
You’re right, it did need to be said. I’ve been saying that to new bloggers I encounter who seem to be angsting about doing the “right” thing with their blog. I maintain that there are no rules and no “right” things except what you decide they are.
Maybe because the way you describe it is exactly the way I approach blogging (and who doesn’t like to have someone agree with them?), but these are extremely wise words that I hope will resonate with your audience.
I’m not sure why we’ve turned blogging into a popularity contest, but I appreciate you expressing so well something that I also believe.
January 3rd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
merlotmom says:
Once again, you’ve sneaked inside my brain and expressed my thoughts better than I ever could. I have been on an “unintentional” hiatus, partly because I don’t know what to say and partly because I need to break my addiction to the comments and numbers game and return to the pure love of blogging. I hope to be back soon. Excellent post as usual.
January 3rd, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Kelley says:
I love you.
I have a post in the works, for many reasons it has to wait, about someone who is an ‘authority’ telling me time and time again that my voice is wrong.
That my profanity will drive people away.
That my lack of punctuation and weird rants are blogging suicide.
Bite me I say. I am me. Don’t freaking read!
January 4th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Tricia says:
And to you as well. Happy New Year.
January 4th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Kelley says:
I am finding this post in the midst of a sleepless night, spent worrying about exactly the issues you bring up here. I am glad to know that I am not alone! Thank you! I will make an effort to carry these thoughts with me into 2009.
January 4th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Aubrey says:
You are making me cry.
I packed my things away over 10 years ago, closing down my own small space in my dorm to start the temporary adventures of student teaching as a Junior/Senior in college. I haven’t unpacked since. After that, I went home to stay with my adopted grandparents, spent a year disenfranchised in the rural Northwest, went back to take care of family, lost the house, lost the family, stayed with a friend who went nuts on me, dropped on a couch for a month, and finally got a very uncomfortable but my OWN house with no heating or cooling. But it was mine. I started unpacking. I posted pictures in my cupboards, wrote poems of hope and devotion over my kitchen sink, and left the windows open to let the light in. Apparently it worked so well that my neighbor found me irresistable and trapped me on my floor. I survived, but the confusion and pain was horrifying. I turned for help, but no one took the initiative to pick up what I was afraid to touch, and I was so alone and afraid of myself I went into 3 years of isolation in the middle of the desert. Now I’ve moved back into town, and I’m trying to unpack, but the fear is trying to keep me in boxes. I sat on the couch this morning (a couch! I have a couch!) and realized… I used to keep an open house, but the Jerk was the last person I let into my house. I don’t know how to relate. I don’t know how to swim, feeling brushed and pushed by the currents of others and the sounds and noise of the city and people for whom time has not stood still, who own their bodies, their lives. So I took a deep breath, went to the drugstore, and came back with picture-hanging braces. Up went the oriental mirrors from a friend in the desert who wanted to help my feng shui. Up is the velvet painting of waves, painted by a new, elderly acquaintance in backwater Montana, and given in thanks for helping keep her company. Up go the gifts, the photos, all the pieces of love. I’m closing my eyes and hoping that whatever comes this year, it brings strength and hope and healing. And I hope that on the other side, there is payback and healing and redemption for everything I’ve lost. Amen.
January 4th, 2009 at 8:19 am
sagemcgreen says:
Thanks for permission to be weird. Happy New Year!
January 4th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Bennie says:
Thank you, Maggie. For the post and for being our friend.
January 4th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Twisted Lisa says:
Thank you. I needed that.
January 4th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Zipporah Sandler says:
Yes, it’s all about being comfortable in your own skin. For some, it comes with time or age – others seem to have it instinctively. I surround myself with the things that I love in my home and on my body. I try to live without limits (although that’s easier said that done). My blog (Champagne Living) helps keep me focused on being able to do things without the constraints of not having enough money (it’s what I do best), but by writing about it – it becomes a constant reminder that I don’t need a lot to experience a lot.
January 4th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Amysprite says:
Love the sentiments, Maggie! Ever since doing that NaBloPoMo in November, I’ve been feeling a bit trapped by “having to post” every day. My heretofore secret New Year’s resolution is to limit my half-assed posts…. and to talk to my therapist more about what constitutes a legitimate “addiction.” Happy New Year!
January 4th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Caffienated Cowgirl says:
Beautiful and inspiring post. Thank you, Maggie
January 4th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
elle says:
Saw your blog on Top mom blog and had to check it out. I just started blogging…I didn’t even occur to me to worry about what other would think about my blog. But now I know that it’s good to feel that way. Thank you!!!
January 4th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Woman in a window says:
And how I’d love to go there and drink from that dog’s dish just to see what he might have seen. Ha! My dog is snoring beside me right now, right rip roaring head bobbing snores. Maybe dreaming of doggie art, perhaps feeling your post pour out of my screen and into his ear, and then as slober onto his cheek.
You’re right here. Absolutely dead on. But then you’re a wise one, aren’t you?
January 4th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
krista says:
yes! yes! yes! i couldn’t agree more.
January 4th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Postmarc says:
Well put, Maggie. Blogs that too often fall into the very traps you point out are what differentiates OFD from so many others. The tapestry of the house is so much like the things you find and take the time to create.
Your verbal tapestry, your mosaic, gives us the opportunity to agree, disagree, say hmmmmm, look at life a little differently….. or just scratch our collective heads and say to ourselves “that’s just brilliant”. Sometimes, it acts catalyst to emote for a while–powerful stuff for words on a screen.
Above all, it keeps us coming back because you are following your sage advice.
January 4th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
maggie, dammit says:
@Postmarc: You’re so kind, as always.
But I don’t have it down. I’m guilty of every single thing I railed against in this post. That’s why I wish these things for me, too.
January 4th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
steenky bee says:
My, my, my. This is my favorite post ever. Not just of yours, not just of the resolution type either. I’m printing this out, laminating it and sleeping with it under my pillow. Pink puffy heart you. Just beautiful.
January 4th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
maggie says:
you can’t knock authenticity!
January 4th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
chanda says:
Wise words, this one, and they come at the perfect time. I’ve been struggling with my own space, and whether or not to return to blogging, or to just let it go. I still don’t know. Im so very guilty of placing those “shackles that never existed” – why do we do that to ourselves? It’s nice to know many others, including you, wrestle with these things. Thank you for the insight, and the food for thought!
I hope your holidays have been peaceful and full of family and laughter.
January 4th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Mr Lady says:
I didn’t comment the FIRST time I read this because I didn ‘t have the right words. Now, the TENTH time I’ve read it, I still don’t. But I love this post, baby.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Angel says:
I love this post. It’s exactly what I needed to read. I would have loved the experience of that house.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:41 am
Janet says:
You know, I started blogging for me, as I was really the only one reading what I wrote. Then I visited a bunch of blogs and became covetous of their many comments. So I started visiting and commenting in the hopes of leaving a trail of enticing crumbs back to my blog. At some point, I think I was writing what I thought people would want to read. Now I’m back to being all about me again, writing what I want, when I want and visiting other blogs when I have the time or inclination.
I’m much happier this way.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:59 am
mary says:
So I come here when my lovely friend Karey Kirtsies you, and I always admire your awesome header and your great words. But I haven’t added you to my Google reader because, God, I subscribe to too many damn blogs already and can’t keep up with reading them all. It’s a freaking full-time job.
But this post made me realize that I need to read this blog on a regular basis. Because somehow it makes me a better person. You’ve hit almost every nail on the head when it comes to blogging and, really, life. And I’m going to carry these words with me through 2009, even if I have to fight them every step of the way.
January 5th, 2009 at 8:43 am
Annie says:
Been there many times myself – posted about it, hated myself for it – you have hit the nail on the head.
Thank you!
January 5th, 2009 at 9:02 am
ali says:
i used to post every single weekday…and then, this december, i missed a day. and the world didn’t end. it felt good. it felt GREAT, actually. it’s a good moment when you realize you don’t need to post every day and you can post when you really have something to say!!!
GREAT post!
January 5th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Jim says:
Great post, Maggie. Luckily, this was the philosophy I started with. I’ve seen so many incredible bloggers burn themselves out with the pressure they felt. It’s a shame.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:14 am
we_be_toys says:
Funny, this is exactly the same conclusion I’ve come to, minus the pinup girls, of course. I hit a year in the blogosphere in October and I’ve been wrestling with my conscience ever since. I want to write, I’m sure I will write, but I’m feeling pressure (from myself) to be counted present in the real world these days. My personal yardstick is to ask myself, “How will my kids remember these days? Will they remember the things we did together, the time we spent, or will they say I was always on a computer?” It’s a sobering thought – to me, anyway.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:32 am
allison says:
Thank you! You spoke straight to me, and I appreciate it. I think I put myself through a lot of unnecessary stress in this blogging world. So hoorah! Thanks for you.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Palma SEO says:
I would have liked to have some clarity in the beginning about where the piece was heading. Overall, it was a nice point to end at, but the beginning made me uncomfortable, not knowing whether I was being cheated in some way, led on by a wanker somehow. It turned out not, but would have been nice to have at least a hint at the beginning of the direction of a potential resolution. Nevertheless, nice post.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Prefers Her Fantasy Life says:
Nice post, indeed. Not only will I take the blogging advice, I may even hang some art above my dog’s bowl.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Insta-Mom says:
What a wonderful and important post. What a marvelous wish for us all.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
jill says:
kind of like that saying “Dance as if no one is watching you” I do try to live by these rules, I post when I have something I need to say, I do it for me. If people read it thats fine, but that is not why I write it.
January 5th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
ByJane says:
Yeah, I needed to read this. I feel the breath of the SEO dogs hot on my neck, and your post reminds me that I’m not the only one. Thanks.
January 5th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
beth says:
maggie…enough thanks can’t be given for what you wrote !
I’ve wanted to say something like this for soooo long and just couldn’t come up with the right words…but you did and perfectly !!
even more so now, I want to meet you at the winery {you know which one} and talk about life !!!
okay…fine, we’ll wait until we thaw out first…but seriously, I want to make a toast to you for being so great with your words !!!
January 5th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Lara says:
I have to keep reminding myself of exactly this… that it’s ok to not post if I have nothing to say. My last post several week was announcing that fact… and was spurred by a nasty comment I got on a prior post, for being too whiny.
So today I am reminding myself that I declared myself as a whiny wench back when I started my blog… and it’s ok to whine if I feel like it. And if someone complains, I’ll just tell them Maggie said it was ok.
January 5th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
gypsygrrl says:
dear maggie,
thank you for this. i needed to read this tonight. it holds so much wisdom for each aspect of our lives. Be Yourself. No Apologies.
much love to you and yours,
gypsygrrl
January 5th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
jen says:
and this is why i am crazy about you. cheering girl. positively cheering.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Amber says:
Oh, I want a house like that. My sister knows how to do it with three hundred colors and antique lamps alongside the hi-tech vibrator but I am a decorating coward (dude. have you seen the template on my blog? better empty than wrong, that’s my motto).
Honesty, though. That’s a good decoration.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:40 am
LiteralDan says:
I’m tending this way myself, for sure, but I hadn’t put it all together in my head in this kind of way– that’s why you’re you, dammit.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:25 am
Okay, Fine, Dammit » Wherein I punch down my own house of cards. says:
[...] who am I to decide what needs to be said? Who shorted out and made me Internet queen? We’re supposed to want to pen [...]
January 6th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Write From Karen says:
Bravo. Nicely put.
I am not interested in becoming popular. I’m not interested in making money. I blog for me and to leave a little bit of me behind for my family. If people read, great! If not, thanks for stopping by.
I honestly don’t care. I used to care too much and I felt the life being sucked right out of me. No more. I’m careful about what I say and how I say it, and when that gets too stifling, I write a private post and let it all come out. I feel better – no one gets hurts and one of these years. my family, (when I give up the password), will read about how I TRULY felt.
Everyone is happy. Thanks for the reminder that ultimately, we need to be true to ourselves.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:43 am
bluestreak says:
“Others are worried about hiding their moods, about alienating their readers by being funnier than they’ve come to expect, or more depressed than they’ve come to expect, or basically altogether different than who they think their readers think they are”.
Yes, I’ve felt my tone was too depressing and was turning my readers off.
Yes, I’ve felt this way and been silent. I’ve let posts disappear from my head because it’s not who I want to be. But I am gonna try to be more mosaic and let myself be whoever I happen to be at each moment.
Great thing to add to my new years resolutions.
As always Maggie, thanks.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Bella Casa says:
I wish I could go to Auntie’s home right now…for various reasons, but if I could, I would definitely take pics and post them on my decorating blog
Happy New Year, I look forward to another great year of Okay, Fine, Dammit!
xoxo,
Bella
January 6th, 2009 at 10:56 am
liv says:
i think you just gave yourself the pep talk you needed.
also, i stick with blogging without obligation. comment without obligation.
be cool.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Just Me says:
Oh my goodness this is just what I needed to read. I am having problems dealing with something and this hit home, thank you thank you thank you.
I am so ready just being ME!!!!!
January 6th, 2009 at 11:33 am
jayedee says:
oh…..my….gosh! from the bottom of my heart, i thank you! this is the MOST liberating post i’ve ever read, and i for one, intend to take it completely to heart!
January 6th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Renée aka Mekhismom says:
Love it. What a great post. I think that all bloggers deal with this.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Paulette says:
I absolutely LOVE this post.
Thank you so much.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
arizaphale says:
Well put indeed. ‘Blog guilt-free’ was a button I saw once and really appreciated…
January 7th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Dee says:
Wow! This is heaven sent!
Funny because I’m new to blogging and was going over Technorati and doing my research and was just coming to realize how complicated it could get with all the rankings, SEO and everything and felt how there’s so much pressure (and there i thought that all i needed was some ideas and the patience to write) and then i found this site and this post!
Thanks, I feel better now.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Spring says:
I’m a newbie arriving from Send Chocolate. You blogged what I’ve been thinking. Three cheers for authentic blogging in the new year and thanks, thanks, thanks for this post.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Slouching Mom says:
Umm.
Holy Hannah, there are a lot of comments here.
I think I’m out of the loop.
Or maybe I’m just growing tired of blogging.
Because lately I can’t seem to get fired up about the ins and outs and everything in between.
January 7th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
enthalpymama says:
Little late here – but I guess I’ve been reading these on my own time . . . but of course you don’t mind.
January 9th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Alicia says:
All I have to say is:
Hells. Yes.
I have been poking around my blog lately, posting crappy little obligatory holiday posts (videos, mainly) and such mainly as place-holders, all the while holding the real stuff of what I wanted to write about inside. For a few months now. Or worse, I’d post and delete. I told a good, long-time friend and fellow blogger once to “write what you want to write. Don’t second-guess yourself; it hinders you” and here I am pussy-footing around like that. I decided, once I did that a few times, to step away until I was ready to say what I wanted to say, to write what I wanted to write.
I do worry about what people think. That is one of my “tragic flaws” as they say. But I know that my personality doesn’t allow me much of a gray area: blog or don’t. Do it like you want to, write what is in your head or screw it, and shut the thing down. I am trying make good on that conviction. (now I just need the time…!)
January 9th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Asianmommy says:
You’re right–in the end, blogging has to be done for yourself, not to please or cater to anyone else. Otherwise, what’s the point?
January 10th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Captain Steve says:
You are one of my favorite bloggy people.
January 10th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
thatgirl says:
Freaking Awesome, Maggie Dammit!
January 11th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins says:
Very nicely said. My own “resolution” for this year is just this – being comfortable in my own skin and not anxious that I should be (or be doing) something else.
January 13th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
katie Lauren says:
It’s nice to read what I often think, but could never find the words to say.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Lee from MWOB says:
Oh Maggie…this is my first time here. And wow. THIS post is what I love about my new recent hobby called blogging – clicking around on my own little journey connecting the dots and through all of the letters and words finding a voice that makes perfect sense to me. Over there in Wisconsin as I sit in the So Cal sun. Brilliant. I love this analogy of this mish-mash house of individuality and this bloggy spaces that we make our own.
I will remember these words of yours as I continue to create and explore and figure out what knick-knacks I want where in my own little world…
Thank you.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Reflection on Blogging 2 | Joh Blogs says:
[...] where I want to be. I was inspired by a post that Miscellaneous Mum featured a little while back, Okay, Fine, Dammit: Because It Needs To Be Said. I loved everything she [...]
January 17th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Dalon says:
beautifully written – thank you!!!!!!!! this is a must share blog entry for me – made me smile
January 17th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Frogdancer says:
I’ve written about this before on my blog, (though not nearly as articulately!) when I got irritated by the “I don’t have anything to say but I thought I’d post anyway” blog posts that pop up.
I think NaNoBloMo or whatever it’s called has a lot to answer for…
January 17th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Annie says:
Free at last, free at last. Thank you.
January 20th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Hottest: links :: Loobylu says:
[...] The first is one I found via one of my favourite blogs Frogdancer. It’s especially for bloggers and it’s nicely said. [...]
January 27th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
littlem says:
Nice.
January 27th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Swapna says:
This is really good advice and it sounds so easy – be yourself. But it’s so hard.
But in the end, it’s worth it.
February 1st, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Venom says:
Hi Maggie, dammit.
I came over from swapbot for the blog exchange – guess what? Alright. Fine. Dammit. was already one of the blogs I’d been watching in my favourites!
I’ve read quite a lot of your archived pieces; you’re very talented.
I’ll be adding A.F.D. to my “Recommended by Venom” list at my blog, ‘Venom, Secrets, & Lies’.
Keep up the good work Maggie, dammit.
Venom
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Because It Needs To Be Said | Blog Nosh Magazine says:
[...] back. (This, Noshers, is why I am a huge fan of the blogging hiatus.) It was no surprise that this post popped into mind while I was thinking of what would be a good compliment to today’s Nosh Notes. Subscribe, [...]
February 20th, 2009 at 11:13 am