Saturday
I don’t know why I stood back, why I didn’t feel like I could approach them where they sat huddled around the cat, a heartbroken circle. I watched Dave bow his head, watched his shoulders shake, but I did not go to him. Gretta sobbed and snuffled, wiped her nose absently with one quick slide of her sleeve. Emma prattled on enthusiastically to the kitty about how he would soon be with his brother again, a kind of pep-talk for the afterlife. The cat stared back at each of them without seeing, didn’t raise his back to their gentle petting. He did nothing but breathe. I don’t know why I couldn’t cry.
Dave wrapped him in a pink towel and headed for the vet alone; I bundled up the girls and we went to buy books. I ran my fingers over the titles like harp strings and we didn’t mention the cat, not once. On the icy drive home we slid around a corner and scared up a murder of crows, and I glanced over at my phone before it even beeped.
I’m burying him.
We pulled into the driveway five minutes later, trudged up the hill to join Dave where he had somehow managed to break the unforgiving frozen ground. We stood in a foot of snow and the icy wind whipped my hair across my face, I let it block my vision, caught only a brief glimpse of pink towel disappearing beneath black dirt. Dave put the earth back the way he’d found it, mumbled one more goodbye, and still, I did not cry.
We were already bundled up. The kids were anxious to go back to being kids. Dave grabbed the chainsaw and I grabbed my camera and we headed for the trees. I was surprised how easy the laughter and smiles came. We were just a family harvesting a Christmas tree on any given Saturday in Wisconsin.
Back inside before the stove as the hot cocoa warmed, Dave told me how the cat had finally responded after the vet’s calming shot, pacing back and forth to rub against Dave’s hand just the way he used to before he got so sick. He had come back to life just in time to say his own sort of goodbye, just in time to make Dave second-guess the decision. I wrapped my arms around him and thanked him for this, for taking care of the hard, for sheltering us, for so many other things.
I was cutting wayward branches from the tree when I heard the email alert ding in. I picked a pine needle from Emma’s curls as I crossed the room, stepped around the remaining cat who hasn’t stopped wandering, sniffing, listening, wondering. I sank into the couch and read the email, an update from one of my domestic violence survivors thanking me again, and I felt the hot prickle rush my eyes.
When the tears finally came, it didn’t matter to me why.
***
Updated: Look what I just found! Heh. (Louise is the one on the right.)
sizzle says:
I’m so sorry about your sweet kitty.
Am going to hug mine extra tight right now.
xo
December 6th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
KimMance says:
Awww, sorry to hear about that
(Adorable photos of the girls though.)
December 6th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Bennie says:
Oh Maggie, I am so sorry. I’ll be back later to inquire about the trees. Give Dave a big hug from all us bloggers.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Alli {mrsfussypants} says:
{hugs & wine}
December 6th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Annie Anderson says:
Maggie,
I’m so sorry about your sweet baby. Losing a special friend is always a difficult thing.
Hugs to you!
~ Annie
December 6th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Lesley says:
Your little girls are so beautiful.
I’m sorry about your cat. I’ve been through this…dealt with the same thing where my previously almost completely unresponsive cat, suddenly fought hard to live at the end. I knew it was her time to go – long past that time, really – and the vet agreed. But for some reason, at the end, she struggled hard against it. I don’t know where she found the strength and I wrestled with guilt for a while. But it subsides. And then all that’s left is happy memories. And love.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
The Introvert says:
I’m so sorry! I’ve lost a lot of pets and it never gets any easier.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Chris/Formerly Fun says:
The husbands are pretty great huh? Glad your girls managed to move past it for the moment. We have two cats who are cherished members of our family. They are my writing buddies, my bebe’s playmates, my big kids buddies and even occasionally my husband’s nemeses. Sorry about your kitty but it sounds like her last moments were calm as it should be.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Jozette says:
Oh, Maggie. I have plenty of tears for you. They are falling right now.
I’m so sorry about your kitty.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Rhea says:
I often don’t cry in situations as well, and I wonder what’s wrong with me. And then the tears come later. Something else has to trigger them. So I get this. I get you, at least in this moment.
That was super sweet of your husband to deal with it.
And I love the Christmas tree cutting photos. Beautiful snow and green trees contrasting. We have no snow here in Texas yet.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Elle says:
So sorry about your kitty. I’ve had many dogs and cats since I was a little girl and it never gets any easier to say goodbye.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
father muskrat says:
Do cats go to heaven? I’m certain dogs do. But cats? I hope yours made the cut.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Pare says:
“A pep-talk for the afterlife” is just so quintessentially E. I love that.
I’m sorry, love.
RIP, Louise. (Father Muskrat? He – yeah, he had a girl’s name – definitely made the cut.)
December 6th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Kim says:
So sorry about your kitty. My longest good relationship in life is with my eldest cat. When she goes I will be a bowl of jelly. A drunken bowl of jelly. It won’t be pretty.
I hope you are holding up okay. My thoughts are with you.
(Also… I am a little afraid of your chainsaw-wielding daughter…)
December 6th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
V-Grrrl says:
I had to put my cat Amy down when we were living in Belgium, and I was shocked by the depth of my grief, the rawness of it, the way it scoured my insides.
I can’t explain it. Both my parents and my older sister had died by the time I was 30. I’ve certainly shouldered huge losses and put beloved pets down before. I think sometimes grief is a cumulative thing, and that losing Amy reawakened the pain of ALL my losses. While the feelings were very intense, they also played themselves out in the course of a week and much to my surprise, I was *done* crying for her. Until now….
December 6th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
michelle says:
I hate reading and hearing about a family pet passing away. A few years ago we had a near death experience with our dog and we are thankful that she made it through. I dread the day her life will come to an end, so until then I’ll keep thinking she’s with me forever!
December 6th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Mr Lady says:
Maggie, I’m so sorry. SO sorry.
December 6th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Krista says:
I am so sad for you!
December 6th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
3boys1mommy says:
So jealous of the real snow and the real tree. Sorry for your loss.
December 6th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
vodkamom says:
now THAT made me cry. I’ve been holding it off all day (for some unknown reason) and THAT was the straw.
I am so sorry.
December 6th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
blissfully caffeinated says:
So sorry, hon. We lost a beloved cat over 4 years ago and I still cry. Also, my husband had to do the hard work the day i found our kitty. I couldn’t bear to pick him up or dig the hole. I was so glad I had him to lean on that day.
It was nice to see that you were able to turn such a difficult day into something special. It’s a great tree.
xo
December 6th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
kat says:
I’m so sorry.
We lost a cat when I was in college – it was the first time I’d ever seen my father cry.
Big squishy hugs to you and yours.
December 6th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Kristin Lynch says:
Hey Maggie:
I’m so sorry. I got teary-eyed as soon as I started reading your post and I’m still sobbing – enough that my own boys came over and meowed because they can tell something’s wrong.
You didn’t mention his name in your post.
Please know I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I’m going to go hold my boys extra close and get their fur wet while I think about your beautiful cat who is likely having his chin rubbed by God right now.
December 6th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Maria says:
Maggie. I am so sorry. Cats hold special places in our lives, and best wishes to your family and your girls.
One of my cats died when I was about Gretta’s age… it left me so disappointed. Give it time, and soon you’ll be ready for another pet, and then, more precious memories.
December 6th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Megan says:
I’m so sorry about your cat, Maggie.
December 6th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Natalie says:
Oh, the poor, sweet thing. Our kitties are really a part of our little family, so this kind of thing really tugs at my heart. I’m sorry for the loss of your cat, I know you’ve mentioned him a few times before, but from the sound of it, it was time. I’m glad you were able to find some smiles.
December 6th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Nicole says:
I’ve been down this road many a time and no time is without the pain you’re feeling now. As I have a yorkie to my right and a kitty to my left and a second kitty sunning himself peacefully in a window (who looks hauntingly like your departed friend) my heart goes out to you.
December 6th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Coast Rat says:
So sorry about the loss of your kitty, Maggie. When I had to take our first cat to the vet the final time, after 16 years, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, including all of the EMT stuff.
Our current kitty, Alyssa, a beautiful white Persian, will be 18 this Christmas. She is amazing!
{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}
December 6th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Brian says:
Heartbreakingly beautiful post.
December 6th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Pamela says:
Oh, Maggie. So sorry about your puss. I was doing alright until I saw the picture at the end…he looks just like my boy Sebastian.
But your girl? With the chainsaw? She’s pretty badass. Good work there.
December 6th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
deezee says:
the loss of a pet, anyone’s pet, makes me ache.
I’m so very sorry.
December 6th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Hilary says:
I love the chainsaw picture!
December 6th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Jennifer says:
I’m so sory about your cat, Maggie.
Such cute pics of the girls all bundled up!
December 6th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Woman in a window says:
Damn cats. We should just kill them all now and get the grieving over with. I’m still lamenting to loss of our cat in the spring. Damn cats!
That shot of your daughter and the chainsaw is busting me up!
December 6th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
meredithwinn says:
i’m so sorry. i’m glad the tears finally came. for your domestic violence survior. for your cat. for everything.
December 6th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
paige says:
I am so sorry
December 6th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
flutter says:
Oh, honey…
December 6th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Emily says:
…when the tears finally came, it didn’t really matter why…th
There is so much truth in that.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Emily.
December 6th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
derfina says:
*smooches*
December 6th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Heather says:
Sometimes I can only be emotive after the formalities finish. It is more about you being you.
Chainsaw=Awesome
December 6th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Zoeyjane says:
Aw. I’m sorry.
December 7th, 2008 at 1:22 am
A Free Man says:
So sorry, Maggie. They’re family members aren’t they? But those pictures! Almost got me into the Christmas spirit.
December 7th, 2008 at 2:33 am
Xbox4NappyRash says:
Gotta love a child with a chainsaw…
December 7th, 2008 at 7:24 am
ballerina toes says:
RIP Kitty Cat Louise. I hardly knew ye.
And the pictures of the kiddos and christmas tree hunt are awesome. Beautiful juxtoposition.
December 7th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Anndi says:
I’m sorry about your loss.
We had a beloved cat die over 10 years ago and I still miss her.
December 7th, 2008 at 8:59 am
noble pig says:
Maggie, I’m so, so sorry. What a beautiful cat. Losing a pet brings on such feelings of emptiness and sadness, I hope it passes soon.
December 7th, 2008 at 9:43 am
jen says:
i’m sorry honey.
December 7th, 2008 at 10:01 am
patois says:
I’m really sorry. You’ve brought such tears to my eyes, too, and I’m thankful for them. Regardless of their reason.
December 7th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Aunt Jenn says:
Good Bye Lovely Louise.
I remember when you were a tiny tiny kitten keeping me awake at night at my then boyfriend’s house… what was his name again?
I remember when Maggie could not possibly separate you from your cutest kitten sibling, and how easy it was to convince Dave that 2 cats were a good idea.
I remember finding out you and your brother were boys, but your names stayed.
He was a lucky lucky cat.
much love to you.
December 7th, 2008 at 11:07 am
janet says:
She looks just like my first cat. I was terribly allergic to her but I still couldn’t stop petting her.
I’m sorry.
PS I dig the chainsaw picture!
December 7th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Mariah says:
Sometimes it just takes something to stir your emotions, you’re right, it doesn’t matter what started the tears…
Sorry about your cat.
December 7th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Jim says:
I’m so sorry to hear about your cat. I’ve had to take a few of ours for one last trip to the vet and it’s never easy.
My condolences to you and your family.
December 7th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Brittany says:
I am so sorry for the loss of your cat, this story brought me to tears, and I feel like I have the same kind of husband, taking care of the hard stuff. It makes me appreciate him more.
December 7th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
pgoodness says:
So sorry about your kitty.
Our 17 year old grey tabby is not doing well at all. Since vet visit on Friday he has steadily gone downhill FAST. Afraid he’s going to be our 3rd lost pet this year.
December 7th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Elisa says:
Oh, I am so sorry about your kitty
It’s a beautiful picture you have of him!
December 7th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Oh2122 says:
I’m so sorry.
December 7th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
tysdaddy says:
I really can’t think of anything much worse than parting with a dear pet. They’re just animals, the cynics cry. Fuck ‘em.
We are going to go through this soon with our pug. She’s healthy, but old. Hips are arthritic. Eyes foggy. It’s gonna be a long day . . .
December 8th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Gypsy says:
Oh, I’m so sorry. Poor kitty. Poor you.
December 8th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
magpie says:
Oh, I’m all weepy now – thinking about your kitty, and my dear departed katzenjammers. Sigh.
December 8th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Alison Veres says:
Wait a second…”him?” Why do you keep calling Louise a “him”? Or, why did you call a “him” Louise? Is this gender confusion? Or merely a bizarre French spelling?
In any case, farewell Louise.
And your name is one of my favorite songs. By Bonnie Raitt.
December 8th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
SugarJones says:
I love the stories of you and Dave. Even the sad ones. You are so so so lucky.
I bet you already knew that.
December 8th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Zak says:
So sorry about your cat. Truly.
We just put our dalmatian down, she was 14 and had breast cancer. Our poodle will follow shortly, he’s 14 and can’t control his bladder. Sigh. Wake me when it’s over.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:37 am
we_be_toys says:
Oh honey, what a month you’ve had. I’m so sorry about your kitty – it never gets easier to say goodbye, does it? I loved the pictures btw.
Also loved the picture of you and Dave in the early days – what a blast from the past! Many congratulations to your aunt and her new husband!
December 16th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Sniff Around These Sites, Part V says:
[...] have to ever be any sad pet posts. My heart is heavy for Maggie at Okay, Fine, Dammit, who recently had to say goodbye to her kitty after 13 1/2 years [...]
December 18th, 2008 at 11:35 pm