Marriage.
Did we ever believe marriage was a sacred thing or is that something we tell ourselves with righteous indignation while warming before easy fires stoked for us by devoted husbands?
We go to such great lengths to protect the idea of marriage. We write hate into constitutions and we spit rage into the faces of human beings and we are so sure, so very sure, that we know what it means. But the honest-to-god truth is we don’t, we never do, at least not in the beginning, and some of us just get very, very lucky or very, very good at pretending; both of these qualities lead to righteousness. Righteousness leads to erosion of the soul. I hate righteous, soulless people.
Marriage is fucking hard and when I think about it I imagine a guard tower, and I know Dave and I take turns being on watch and I know we don’t always punch even time on the clock but you can’t keep track that way or you’re doomed to lose, don’t you see? And ohhhh, God, those moments when you’re both up in there in that tower? That’s when the stars shine impossibly clear and bright and Heaven lifts her skirt and you get that glimpse of Nirvana…. but you also take an oath, swap spit and blood and pledge you’ll never give away the secrets, your loved ones have to find out for themselves or else it won’t mean a thing and it sucks because I have so much to say, so much to share, I do. Because I know things, now. One of the things I happen to know is that the grass is never greener, it honestly never is, it isn’t, why does no one believe this? Nobody thinks about marriage, they think about weddings. They think about parties and ideas and mirages, the end.
Sixteen years with a person buys you a truckload of perspective. It’s not something you can give away, no matter how hard you try. It’s not something you can use to help a brother out, to prevent the breaking of hearts, the breakup of families, the smashup of lives. It’s not something you can use to give a person hope, no matter how hard you wish you could.
Maybe I’m the wrong one. Maybe it’s so very easy for me to say, from here on the buttery-leather couch cozied up to the fire. Maybe I’ll never in a million years understand the path that led you here, and maybe I’ll never convince him that he is better than this, that it’s not too late, that someone, somewhere, will see his special kind of beauty in the same light I do, in the light you apparently don’t. Maybe I’ll never convince him that one day he’ll stoke his own fire for his own family — and who knows, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t know anything.
Maybe none of us know anything at all.
jodifur says:
A believe marriage is a choice. A conscious choice we make every day. We choose to love each other, we choose to be kind, even when it is really, really hard and we don’t want to. Some days it is an easy choice and some days it is a hard choice. Where we go wrong is we forget to tell people just how hard marriage really is, and it is hard.
Great post.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Neil says:
It is extremely difficult to give any sort of relationship advice to anyone else, because only that couple can truly understand (or not) the dynamic that has developed between them. Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t give that person perspective. I think the best thing is to help that person make his own conclusions, guiding him like a therapist would do in an office. Your expert opinion, based on your own experience, is mostly useless until the other person can relate to it himself. I don’t know how many times I have wanted to give a newly-marrying couple some helpful advice, especially about their wedding, knowing that it would just fall on deaf ears. Sometimes, people just have to figure it out themselves.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Darryle says:
Enjoyed this post and just discovered your blog which makes me feel even better that my Californian son chose to go to college in Wisconsin. Love your honesty and your voice. Always a struggle in life to stay grounded, and I’ll continue reading…
December 5th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
bejewell says:
Helen Rowland once said, “Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.”
So, so true.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Emily@remodelingthislife says:
Reading for a while, never commented.
Thank you for this heaping bowl full of perspective.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Magpie says:
In the end, it’s a crap shoot – some people manage to figure out, others don’t. And sometimes they bow out gracefully, and sometimes anger and venom and hurt continue for a long long time. Crap shoot.
And yes on the wedding thing – my 5yo wants to get married. I think she wants to play princess dress up. (eyeroll)
December 5th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Magpie says:
And BTW, your blog looks SLICK in my iPhone.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
vodkamom says:
Marriage is damn hard work. It is an ever changing relationship, that needs tending, attention, and work, work, work. Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
derfina says:
Gut wrenchingly hard to stand back helpless when you want to just scream at the injustice of it all and make it all better.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
father muskrat says:
I think it’s fairly easy, but then again, I’ve only been hitched 3 years, and we both have great health, as do our children, and we have enough money and laugh a lot. Like, every day.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Amysprite says:
Oh, that is the truth, sister. I have never worked so hard at anything in my life as keeping my marriage and love alive and somewhat peaceful. I love your imagery of being in the tower together and the stars shine so bright, so clear. It is hard sometimes to remember those stars when you are in the trenches down below working your ass off….
Just found your blog today. LOVE IT.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
blissfully caffeinated says:
Here’s a hug pour vous.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Natalie says:
I’ve been through two marriages where my spouse(s) did not understand the idea of the guard tower. Certainly, I have my faults (and I’ll take responsibility for who I am), but my marriages ended because the person on the other end didn’t want to fight for it. I second your perspective that the person who isn’t willing to fight isn’t worth it, but that’s not going to take away the pain RIGHT NOW.
You are right, so many people don’t see any farther than the wedding, they don’t understand that marriage, just like anything good in life, is HARD work.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Gwen says:
There’s so much I could say about this. My friend and I were talking about this very topic today and agreeing that when you’re on the outside of it, it’s hard to say what the right choices are for another person or couple, even though you know what you think *you* would do, and therefore, by extension what he or she or they should do.
I heard someone say that other day that we all deserve happiness. Not the possibility of happiness, not the pursuit of happiness, but happiness itself. I wonder how often this idea gets wedded to the notion that a worthwhile marriage/lover is the one that always makes you happy. An impossible ideal, surely, one that only 90 minute movie beauties can live up to.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Natalie says:
And of course, your writing is beautiful.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Alicia says:
This has been a tough subject for me for a little while, but especially lately. As a thirty year old single woman, I’ve grown soooo tired of watching others pair off and have their little families, circulate in their own little worlds. And I know, I know it isn’t all wonderful all the time. I know that now. When I was in my early twenties, it WAS all about the wedding. I had a book full of wedding ideas–I was young. Now it’s about the fact that I want to have what everyone else has, a family. No. That isn’t it; I want MY family, not everyone elses.
I AM complete without a marriage. But, when people take marriage lightly, it angers me. When they are flippant with it, when they are unfaithful, I want to shake them. Don’t they understand…there are single people who would love to have the family they just threw away.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
V-Grrrl says:
Hmmm, I married when I was barely 20 and have almost 27 years under my belt. When I started I believed it was sacred, that love, compatibility, and shared values would power you through.
But people change, life changes, relationships evolve, goals shift, and values are questioned and sometimes discarded. The terms of a marriage are constantly renegotiated and reconsidered. The marriage you had at 20 is not the marriage you’ll have at 30 or the one you’ll want at 40 or 50. You have to let things change and let go of the idea that it should always be “the way it used to be.”
I no longer believe good marriages last a life time and bad marriages end. Good marriages can end too when a relationship runs its course. Sometimes, truly, everything has been said and done and it’s OK to acknowledge that and move on.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Nicole says:
Not trying to devalue the seriousness of the topic or of your keen insight, but God help me, I’m laughing.
I’m laughing because:
1) The whole idea of marriage as a sacred thing is so foreign to most people. Take for instance, my own father, who, while never widowed, has said the vows FOUR times.
or
2) Within seconds of reading this post, a colleague came in to talk with me about a work issue that later devolved into a personal conversation. During this half of the visit, he shared with me the fact that a man whom I once couldn’t imagine life without being married to (and now can’t imagine ever having had such a feeling about, much less having been married to) is going bald.
Hopefully, this can crack a smile for you as it sounds like someone close to you has done something dastardly to someone else close to you.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
coffeecupkat says:
Wisdom — hard to earn, and impossible to give away.
When you’ve been through the worst of the trenches, during it, you tell yourself that the recompense, the payback, is that you’ll be able to help others someday.
After you’ve gotten through it, though, you find that too often the wisdom you paid dearly for is not valued by friends and family who’d seemingly rather learn the hard way.
That, too, is what it is. You would help them if you could.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Meg says:
I went to two weddings this year, and, coincidentally, we celebrated our own 15th wedding anniversary this year. I just wanted to grab these couples by the arms and look into their eyes and say, “do you have any idea of the gravity of the promises you just made?” Seriously; did I have any idea in 1993 what all of this meant? Hell, no. But I know I chose the right person for the journey, and God help us both, warts and all ,we are all the better for having each other to share it with.
That said, there have been times in our marriage where someone not equipped to work through the challenges would have called it quits. Fortunately, both of us are in it for the long term. Kind of like our 401ks!
December 5th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Rhea says:
I used to think you got married and then it was happily ever after. I didn’t realize how much work it could be.
It’s a LOT of work. Not always easy. Sometimes way too hard. But worth trying to work on it and keep vows.
Mine is really being tested right now, so I know what I’m talking about. lol
December 5th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Xbox4NappyRash says:
Oh you’ve hit it.
It’s not all roses. Sometimes you are the one to pull the marriage along, sometimes it’s your spouse.
The occasions when you both are pulling, are amazing.
You can’t explain these things to people though, they’ll only learn through experience.
I hope things work out there.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Renee aka Mekhismom says:
Great words to ponder. I hope things work out. Until then be there.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Avitable says:
I think I must be lucky because our marriage has never been hard work – we’ve had 7 years of a great relationship. Maybe it’s hard work for her putting up with me – that’s gotta be it!
December 5th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Maggie says:
Having had my eldest son on my own, and raised him six years before the man of my life walked in, I think it changed my view. I at one time thought marriage was all togetherness and roses. But raising a child by yourself teaches you that life is hard and you have to make hard choices for the people you love. That fire that I went through has given me the stamina and courage to fight for my marriage when the rough spots come. And the ability to say things that are hard to say.
Of course, we’re only on our sixth year. I’m sure the journey of 15, 20, 30 years will give even more wisdom. But life is not lived if we are not constantly growing, which means change. And our marriages can evolve like that too.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Bennie says:
No shit, marriage is hard! It’s hard work. To defeat the selfish desires of oneself and champion selflessness goes totally against our nature. I love the imagery/metaphor of the tower. Incredible. Our society tries to make us think like that old Queen song: I want it all; I want it now! Sounds like my daughter when she was two.
Ironically we’re in year 16 as well.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
For Myself says:
“…some of us just get very, very lucky or very, very good at pretending; both of these qualities lead to righteousness. Righteousness leads to erosion of the soul. ”
There’s something here that got my attention. I have to toss it around for a while.
You’re brilliant.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Andrew says:
That stupid B i t c h! I hope she gets what coming to her for leaving him!!!!!!!!!
December 5th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
just beth says:
I hate it when I feel like if I could just find the exactly right words, someone I love would stop hurting. It seems like you are trying to help someone, and I hope he listens to you. But when someone is right in the midst of pain, that’s when it’s hardest to see that there’s a light at the end, don’t you think? And that’s right when we want to help the most.
I’m glad your friend has you, and friend of Maggie? Listen to her. She’s right. Not that this will help right now, but at least you didn’t waste too much time, and wake up ten years from now next to someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
xo
b.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Last Place Finisher says:
A while back I read a wonderful post about marriage. My comment on that post included the following thought:
“It takes the courage, by both partners, to submit to something that is greater than either of them alone. If you can embrace that, and not resent it, you’re a long way down the road.”
What is marriage?
Perhaps, like fiction, it’s the willing suspension of disbelief. But I think that the essence of marriage was better described in the following blogpost:
http://okayfinedammit.com/?p=2605
December 5th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
noble pig says:
Marriage is damn hard and I never like to look at another marriage and think there’s is perfect…we know it’s filled with dysfunctions just like our own. Good post Maggie and I want heaven to lift her skirt! Loved that line.
December 5th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Pamela says:
This was an amazing post. There’s so many succulent phrases here I could quote you to you for a week or so. And I know of whom you speak, and I’ll be praying for that person you love.
But I have to say that any time I see the word marriage followed by a period? This pops into my head.
Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togevah…today. Mawwiage, that bwess-ed awwangement, that dweam wiv-in a dweam…
I just can’t help it.
December 5th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Coast Rat says:
I hope that eventually, you can find some peace and closure about your friends splitting, that has induced the pain in you that it has…
December 5th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Alison Veres says:
I’m sorry you’re upset. It seems like I say this alot lately, but — love hurts. Sometimes it hurts in a good way and sometimes it hurts in a bad way. Anyhow, if you’re really feeling sad, and you need a good weep, find the song “Love Is” by Vanessa Williams (and some guy singer… Brian someone? ) and REALLY listen to the words. It is such a heart-wrenching and true song, and it reminds me of what you’re talking about here. ‘Love aches for every one of us…’
December 5th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Mojo says:
Been there, done that, lost the t-shirts in the divorces. Hard? Betcherass it’s hard. Work? Damn skippy. Will I do it again? Not F.N. likely.
Why?
Because apparently I suck at it. Or maybe I just suck at picking the ones to be hitched to. But I got a metric assload of perspective out of the combined 13 years, and what I figured out was that both times the one I chose was marrying for something she wanted. One for a baby, one for security. And once they got what they wanted, they didn’t have anything left to work for.
Next time I feel the urge to get married, I’ll just go find some random woman and buy her a house. It’s cheaper and a lot less painful.
Nah… I’m not bitter. Just smarter than I used to be.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Secret Agent Mama says:
It’s so hard and so worth the hardships.
This piece of writing was excellent, Maggie.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
ballerina toes says:
Maggie – your friend’s heart is broken right now and perspective won’t come until alot of time has passed. There is a book called “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” and I don’t know how a guy would feel about it, but it sure did speak to me.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Fran says:
I’m 23 years into my marriage and whenever I see someone (anyone!) throwing away what they’ve invested in their marriage (with the exception of abusive relationships) I want to sit down and have a logical conversation (wear them down with reason) – no matter how much I might be wasting my breath.
Relationships take effort and both parties have to be committed (and/or be willing to take turns holding the resolve for 2). Sometimes times are hard, and like you said – we’re not always both on watch. It makes me sad to think about what she did, and we both know he deserves better…but I still hope they can try to make it work. Is it too late for them? There’s no such thing as a perfect mate. Is that what she’s seeking?
When I got married I told my husband he’d better be prepared to murder me if he wanted “out” because it was the only way he’d ever get rid of me. I can’t stand it when people approach marriage as if there’s a warranty.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Heather says:
This is too hard for me… I had to laugh about the song “Hospital Beds” Maggie: I’ve got one friend laying across from me; I did not choose him, he did not choose me…” That is how we started and it has been almost 12 years. And tonight I let this week sink in sobs on his chest.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
3boys1mommy says:
You know plenty Maggie, but somethings, people have to figure out for themselves.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Laurie | Your Ill-fitting Overcoat says:
“Nobody thinks about marriage, they think about weddings.”
Ex-freaking-zactly.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
XUP says:
To me marriage is incredibly frightening. I don’t know how or why people do it. I’ve never had the guts to take that plunge. I don’t think I have it in me to work that hard because I’m absolutely certain it would be an enormous amount of work — for me and especially for my spouse. Marriage originally was a business contract to merge the wealth of two families/dynasties. it had nothing to do with a couple, romantic love, spiritual union, blessed by god, until death parts, etc. That was imposed later by Christianity. They decided that people should pair off for live and make everlasting vows to each other. It makes me hyperventilate just thinking about it.
December 6th, 2008 at 5:10 am
Tasses says:
Maggie… Sometimes it’s hard when someone you love is hurting. And some people think of marriage as just another chunk of plastic in our disposable lives. I’ve worked EVERY SINGLE DAY for 27 years and it was WORTH EVERY OUNCE of sweat to stay together.
Now we get to share our children’s lives and our shared interests. There’s no his side/her side at family gatherings. He’s my best friend and confidant, the one I call the minute I have something needing said.
Here’s hoping your loved one finds his best friend because this insubstantial chick is really missing what it takes. His mate is out there. Tell him not to give up!
December 6th, 2008 at 7:23 am
patois says:
I am really sorry for him (and for you). Marriage is infinitely harder (to me, at least) than parenting. (Maybe my kids aren’t old enough for me to think otherwise yet.) We have had such horribly rough times, but I’m thankful that we had the fortitude to wade through that muck to be at a better place now. I never thought I was equipped to do that. It sounds like she wasn’t. I’m sorry.
December 6th, 2008 at 8:49 am
QT says:
One thing I’ve learned during this prolonged period of singledom I have chosen is this – there are a LOT of married men out there who DEFINITELY don’t take marriage seriously. It is depressing, and makes me wonder about the state of mankind. I am sure there are single men that could tell you the same thing about married women, but this is all I got.
December 6th, 2008 at 9:00 am
jen says:
i could write a book on this and still probably not get anywhere.
December 6th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Carmi says:
“Nobody thinks about marriage, they think about weddings. They think about parties and ideas and mirages, the end.”
Brilliantly precise observation. I remember thinking and saying the same thing as my group of friends made the mostly inevitable march to wedded couplehood. It was all about the big party, The Event, and never at all about the life that would ensue.
If I had to do it again, the wedding would be the first thing to go. In retrospect, it’s the least important milestone of my entire life’s experience with my wife.
December 6th, 2008 at 11:32 am
The Introvert says:
Marriage is insanely difficult because its success depends on both people being selfless. When one person is being selfless and the other person is being selfish, that’s when the resentment starts. And if both people are being selfish, well marriages can’t function like that either. My faith is what has kept me in my marriage through the hard times. God created marriage, and my husband for that matter, so it makes sense to me to ask Him for help.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Elisa says:
I completely agree. I don’t think anybody goes into marriage knowing what to expect, no matter their age or gender. Everyone has *some kind* of expectations, but usually marriage turns out to be very different.
I think the hardest part, the part that turns people off, if that marriage means meeting in the middle a lot of times. because you are putting together two people, two lifestyles, two sets of tastes and habits, you have to be willing to give in a little sometimes, so you can actually share things with your wife/husband, and not keep living separate lives.
I think a lot of people consider this “losing yourself” and they are scared of it. But I think if it’s a good match you don’t really lose yourself – not unless you married someone who didn’t like you the way you were. I see it more… sort of like a recipe: you take different ingredients and make something delicious with them. Their flavors still come out and are needed for the recipe to turn out well, so they are not less special when mixed in – they contribute to the flavor as much as the other ingredients. This may be a bit of a silly metaphor, but I think it’s at least a positive one
December 6th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Carolyn Online says:
Oh man. The pain of watching a relationship fail. I’ve watched both sisters and my parents get divorced and it just never gets easier. Or better. Or makes sense.
December 6th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
meredithwinn says:
wow. you stir up my insides in the best possible way with your words. and then reading through your comments! such good conversations here! someone mentioned marriage being a conscious decision, something you wake up to every day. i suddenly realized the truth in this not too long ago. but it has to be a choice made by both, every single day. when one half of the marriage carries it for too long, the wagon is bound to break down. someone else mentioned the concept of ‘selfless’ and ‘selfish’ and the mix of those two can be like a dirty bomb in a marriage. this topic is constantly fascinating to me. i go round and round in circles. feeling blame, throwing blame, shooting arrows, giving in to fate and belief. i agree that no one really knows anything. just follow your heart.
December 6th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Okay, Fine, Dammit » Simplicity says:
[...] kickass, and I know what the two of you have will go the distance. I’ve been feeling a bit cynical lately, and to me, this is a gift — almost as good as the one you gave me, sixteen years ago, [...]
December 7th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Erin says:
Thank you. Thank you for writing this, for sharing this in that beautifully raw and touching voice you posess. It gets in, right to the core…
You, your talent for putting the words down, your thoughts; you are appreciated, by people you don’t even know exist.
December 8th, 2008 at 9:39 am
bluestreak says:
oh, you struck a chord with me today, Maggie.
December 8th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Gypsy says:
None of us do. We only think we do. And often we don’t even think that.
So nicely put, though. And oh that watchtower. I’ve been on guard for several months now, and I’ll tell you, I’m ready to have him come up with me or have me go back down again. My eyes are getting crusty from all the looking out.
December 8th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Coleen says:
Maggie, I feel your words because I have been living them for the last year – almost 2, really.
There is such soul-sucking exhaustion that comes at the bitter end when you realize you were always alone on that tower and that the other person was really only phoning it in, if that much. In the dark, lonely hours following their discovery that there is so much better-than-you out there (so they think) and you start ticking off 11 years of complete belief in your marriage and your life only to discover you are worthless and pointless to them – well, it hurts. Yeah, he’s moved on. He’s ‘Happy’. I am left to wonder all the 3-letter questions of Why? Who? How? WHY? and watch my little girl ask all those same questions. Hers hurt me more than my own.
I’m mid-40′s now. Is there anything left for me in this picture? I have my doubts. The family life I wanted. The family I wanted for her. The life I wanted for both of us – not one of monied comfort and material indulgance, but rather one of true security and peace – perhaps does not exist in this world any longer.
I want to trust and love again. I don’t know that I ever could put myself – and her – in the position of feeling this badly ever again.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:25 am
Mary says:
Just be there for him and take comfort in the changes he’s made thus far. Life often gives us a second chance, a new beginning. Sometimes in the most unexpected ways – my second husband is 20 years older than me, certainly not the happy ever after I expected. It’s work, but we’re happy. Good luck with everything.
December 13th, 2008 at 2:23 pm