Violence Unsilenced
On October 31, as we were parading Darth Vadar and a Spider Countess around town collecting treats and then toasting that countess’s birthday at the local brew pub, a man named Craig and a woman named Lisa were lying in a pool of blood in an apartment five miles away, the preparations for their own baby’s birthday party forever interrupted.
A few days later, as Dave was packing his bags to leave for his annual hunting trip, as he was locking our doors and staring pensively out the kitchen window at the road visible just over the pines, the face of Chuck, the shooter, was splashed all over the local news and even America’s Most Wanted. Apparently, Craig had been involved with Chuck’s estranged girlfriend, Joan. Joan was under police protection, Craig was dead, and Chuck was on the loose. Everyone worried that a murderous maniac was running wild through the countryside, but I didn’t feel scared. I felt in my gut these weren’t random hits, because I see the news differently now. I knew this was domestic violence.
As we said goodbye to Dave Thursday morning, as we moved through the day with school and dinner and tae kwon do, as we went to bed that night without locking the doors, Chuck reached the home of Joan’s current boyfriend and shot both him and his brother before walking into Super W*lmart at 1:14am and lying down on the floor beneath the muzak and the sick fluorescent glow to await the police.
As the kids and I roamed Chicago with my best friend, as we hit the indoor waterparks of Wisconsin Dells with family, as we rushed and ate and fought and laughed and danced and sang and witnessed small scenes of beauty like the two bald eagles circling over a majestic stretch of river, the loved ones of four people cried at hospital beds and cast dust to dust over fresh graves. A woman named Joan staggered beneath the weight of what leaving a 12-year relationship had cost her, and nine seconds later… and nine seconds after that… and nine seconds after that… another woman in the U.S. was beaten.
Victims of domestic violence are six times more likely to be killed after they leave an abusive relationship. Abusers often threaten to kill the loved ones of their victims, from friends to boyfriends to pets. This is how far the tentacles of domestic violence reach. This is a story playing out in city after city around the world, and yet so often it’s treated as an isolated incident, a random snapping that materialized out of thin air. As I read the coverage of this case I saw lots of words like “threats” and “jealousy” and “retaliation” but I didn’t see the phrase “domestic violence” once. Not once.
It’s enough to make you want to give up.
But as I sat at a table with the best friend I’d traveled hours to hug, as we sipped a fine red and listened to our daughters giggle together, this email beeped into my phone. It was from an old friend, one I’d reconnected with a week or two before my domestic violence article came out.
It read,
“So, we had coffee. Maggie and Matt. It was great, I looked forward to your article in the magazine. My new subscription came and my girlfriend read it right away and loved it.
Two days later I’m at work and I hear the lady behind me on the phone. I go about my normal business and I hear her start saying quietly (so as to not bring attention in this office place), “You need to call domestic abuse.” Then I hear more hemming and hawing and I hear her say again, “You have to call domestic abuse, call them right now. I’m serious.”
I don’t want to get into anyone’s business, but I felt I could offer a magazine; so I ran home at lunch, came back in and stopped over to her desk. I said, “Hi, I don’t mean to get into your business, but I heard you say domestic abuse” and she started to explain. I said “Well, my friend wrote this great article and I want to give it to you to read.”
She said that he (the abuser) just left to go to Florida to ‘get away’ or whatever and she had convinced her daughter to go to domestic abuse at 1:30 and she would be stopping by the office in a bit. So, she copied it and highlighted a bunch of stuff and gave it to her daughter.
Apparently her daughter read through it and was just amazed that someone wrote about this (that would be YOU!) and got to domestic abuse and realized that her boyfriend (or whatever he is) was guilty of everything on this list (she was handed a list that said “if someone does even one of these things, it’s considered abuse.”) Anyway, the article helped get her to go in and see them!
Then the lady stopped me in the hallway today and said, “Today she filed a restraining order against him, and they put out a warrant for his arrest based on his history of violence and her testimony. My daughter said she keeps that article with her and reads it before doing these things because it gives her courage to do the right thing. Thank you Thank you Thank you.”
Since I really didn’t do anything, I wanted you to know that. Thank you Thank you Thank you, Maggie.”
And as I cried at that table over this email, I felt fortified. The seven women in my story put everything on the line, slit their secrets wide open for the world to judge, and they did it for one reason. Every single one of them said to me, “If I can just help one woman….”
So we can do this, you see. You might be Joan. You might be Joan’s friends. You might be my friend Matt, listening a little harder to the conversations going on around you. You might speak up. You might get out. You might save more lives than you know.
When the domestic violence blog goes live, I’m going to ask survivors to speak out. And because they are brave enough to speak out, I’m going to ask the rest of us to pledge to listen. I hope you will take up that challenge. Please, keep listening.
***
The new blog will be called “Violence Unsilenced” — thanks to all who voted, and congratulations to Double Agent Girl! Sam at Temptation Designs, the wonder-designer responsible for the look of this blog, has generously offered up her services to design the new DV blog pro bono. Not only that, she chipped in domain name and hosting fees. So the behind-the-scenes work continues, but in the mean time you can tell her thank you if you feel as moved as I do. Wow, right?
Joan Fischer says:
Great name.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
cary says:
I don’t know you, Maggie, but I love your heart. I wish someone like you had been there when I was a kid.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Kim says:
Wonderful choice in name, and great work. An article about emotional abuse greatly helped me once. I’m sure you’ve touched more lives than you know.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Velma says:
The new site is going to be a wonderful resource, Maggie, truly. Good for you, and for all who are helping you.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
kd@abitsquirrelly says:
You are doing great works and services to the world. Thank you for being so brave and especially thank you to all the women who tell their stories, for they are the true heroes.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Rhea says:
Great name, great post, great cause. You are awesome!
November 9th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Elizabeth says:
Fantastic.
~Elizabeth
November 9th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Jim says:
I’ll be there when it’s live. Good for you Maggie! and Sam!
November 9th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
jodifur says:
As disappointed as I am that my post didn’t win, I think that’s a great name.
I’s love to be able to purchase a necklace!
November 9th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Kelley says:
This post made me cry.
You have no idea how this touched me.
Love ya babe. You are awesome.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
vodkamom says:
That was a beautifully written, and just SMACKED me in the chest. What a story! I’m really in awe of you, and the power of your pen…
November 9th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Melissa says:
Good! Great! Amazing! Just one person helped changes the world… can you imagine how many others will be helped with this?! Completely incredible. I am proud to be a woman in the world with you. The name is quietly powerful.
November 9th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Dory says:
Thank you for reminding me how blessed I am. *hugs*
November 9th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Veronica says:
This is amazing and brilliant.
November 9th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Oh2122 says:
Absolutely wonderful. And such validation!
It never ceases to amaze me how we can profoundly affect each other when we just do what is “right.”
November 9th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Fran says:
Very, very compelling. I would have said “I’ve never been exposed to domestic violence” but you’ve made me realize that’s crap. I’ve just been ignorant (and personally blessed). Now I’m aware and my antenna is up. Thank you.
November 9th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Wendy says:
I am literally covered in goosebumps.
November 9th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Pamela says:
The lyrics of a song (Elton John?) are running through my head right now: Someone saved my life tonight…
Not my life, exactly, but someone’s life. You saved someone’s life, Maggie.
And that’s the only one you about.
If that’s not enough to fuel your fire, I don’t know what is.
November 9th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Natalie says:
You are making a difference, dear Maggie. I listen a little harder to the fighting upstairs, not because I am nosy, but because I need to know if there is something I should do.
Friday night, the girlfriend came running down the stairs, the boyfriend chasing after her, when I looked outside, I found him holding her against a wall as she struggled to get free. He didn’t hit her, at least not in my line of vision, but I swear, some of the noises that come from up there scare the crap out of me. She was telling him to F*ck off, so I took that as a good sign that she holds her own. For now.
November 9th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Kendall says:
One person at a time, one story at a time. They each add up. *hugs* It is a wonderful thing you do. So often survivors have no place to really tell their tales. As for those who don’t survive…they are so often treated like random incidents that their stories go unsung. Thank you.
November 9th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
GirlGriot says:
Maggie, this is so amazing (sad, terrible, painful, uplifting, empowering …). DV is the biggest issue we deal with at my center. Students make appointments to meet with a counselor about something else, but at the back of nearly every other thing they say they need to deal with is domestic violence.
In our first year with a counseling department (5 years ago) DV came out of the closet for all of us. Whatever we might have suspected was going on with some students, we had the facts laid out pretty plainly with the number of students who were brave enough to come forward. Since then, the counselors have been working not only with our students, but with the community as a whole and with our parent organization, a large hospital and health center system.
The hospital had been quietly ignoring evidence until two years ago a woman from the medical records department was murdered by her abuser. It’s a shame that it took her death to push the powers that be at the hospital to step up and address DV, but at least they are addressing it now. We’ve just finished our second training symposium for doctors and other providers so that they will know how to read signs and what to do when they see them.
I’ve learned so much in the last 5 years, and keep learning all the time. Thank you for giving your magnificent voice to this issue, for taking it on in such a powerful way. As always, you inspire me.
November 9th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Fannie says:
I hope I can get my sister to tell her story. They all need a voice.
November 9th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Cheryl says:
Maggie, the name is perfect. And YOU are a gift to these women (and I’m sure quite a few men) so they can have a voice. Kudos!
C ~
November 9th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
anymommy says:
There aren’t any words for the awesomeness of this. I’ll be listening and supporting!
November 9th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
chanda says:
The pen is mightier than the sword, or the fist, it seems. You are doing a good thing here, and it inspires others to do in kind. My thoughts are with that woman’s daughter (and so many other daughters) tonight. I hope she is safe.
November 9th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Andrea Neuman says:
Maggie,
There isn’t much I won’t write about, comment about, tweet about lately. It’s who i am; very honest and REALLY vocal about almost anything and everything. There is one thing I never talk about and my story of domestic violence was one I’ve kept hidden deep inside until very recently when I saw another person on twitter being scared by her husband and I went to her site and told a little of my story. It was the first time really that I’ve put into words some of what I went through during those dark years of my life.
If you ever need someone to share her experience on your new site, I’d be happy to pitch in and do whatever I can. Like it’s been mentioned above, if I could just help one person get out of that situation alive, it will all be worth it.
My info is above on this comment so please feel free to contact me.
Thanks for speaking your mind and helping others! It means a lot to people in this situation!
Thanks! Andrea
November 9th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
qt says:
I’ll be there when the site goes live. This is important stuff, and it touches more people than we know or realize at first glance.
November 9th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Lea says:
holy crap maggie.
i’m bawling.
and so fucking FUCKING proud of you and fucking happy you are doing what you are doing.
November 9th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
deezee says:
It must be the greatest feeling to know your words and the conveying of others’ stories reached out to help someone. Congratulations on a job well done!
November 9th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Tom says:
And people wonder why the women don’t leave. Just the other day I had a woman tell me “I don’t know why they don’t leave. I did. I ran out when he was in the bathroom and jumped in a passing car!” I asked her if he came looking for her after that and she said no and seemed a little confused as to why he would. I got to explain to her how these abusers get worse when the object of their attention suddenly isn’t there. She still didn’t seem convinced. This is a classmate of mine in training to become a social worker and who works in corrections. She should already have this information!
It seems that some of the people that judge these women the most harshly are other women in some cases and it saddens me. I’m trying to do what I can to spread the knowledge. Good work on the blog and spreading the word. I don’t know if you are planning on having links to shelters, but if you are, email me and I have one link to. These women and men are incredible!
November 9th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Tina says:
Wow is right. I’ll be listening. I hope you’ll include information on how we can be of help to victims of D.V.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Zak says:
This is so amazing. I love it. And the name is perfect.
Thanks for kicking ass, Maggie.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
fancy feet says:
What a great dream to dream and then make happen. I hope that through this many, many people will come forward and find hope and healing.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:22 am
Angel says:
wow. WOW! I know you are doing this from the heart, but please take a moment to be proud of what your efforts and words are doing. Your one drop in the ocean is forming a tidal wave, and I pray with everything I have it continues to grow and grow.
Maybe, just maybe if my mother had had an article like that to read or someone to step in and hold her hand… you know?
We can’t change the past but we can DEFINITELY make sure our daughters (and sons) are NOT doomed to repeat it.
Thank you, Maggie and everyone working to bring light to the dark corners of our world.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:11 am
arizaphale says:
Brilliant. So often we don’t see the impact we have in the scheme of things. So uplifting to get some positive feedback. Well deserved.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:27 am
shivers says:
I’m a survivor. Never thought it would happen to me. Things like that happened to someone else, if you get my meaning. I was a victim of psychological, emotional, financial and eventually one incident of physical abuse. The realisation of where I was in my life shook my inner belief systems to the core. I left, 12 months ago. Best thing I ever did. Now I’m a telephone counsellor and student in the social sciences. There’s a silver lining to everything that happens to us, and it happens for a reason. Just gotta find that reason, spreading the word that there is life after DV is a good cause, coz it does exist, and guess what, it’s even better. DV can be life changing, as well as life threatening. Don’t hang around and let it destroy you. Use it to make you stronger and inspire others. Eventually, one day, the attitude of society will change from the over emphasis on “Why does she stay?” to “Why does he do it?” Slowly but surely, changes to laws are happening. There’s still a long way to go.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:05 am
Erika says:
Maggie,
I’m so eager to see how this project unfolds. It’s obvious that it’s streaming directly from your heart. I’m learning more and more through my work as a DV counselor how important it is to provide survivors with that space to express their experiences. These women (and sometimes men) are amazing.
P.S. Natalie wrote: “I found him holding her against a wall as she struggled to get free. He didn’t hit her, at least not in my line of vision, but I swear, some of the noises that come from up there scare the crap out of me.” He doesn’t have to hit her for it to be abuse. What you saw — him restraining her — is abuse.
November 10th, 2008 at 6:21 am
we_be_toys says:
As hard as that article was to write, as hard as it was for those brave women to speak out, it already has made a difference for other women. I’m so proud of you and them for opening up that can o’ worms, because DV doesn’t go away, it spreads disease-like, and we have to say “enough!”
I can’t wait to see the new site – it’s a great name – and I hope like you that it will help even more victims break free and promote greater awareness and action among the rest of us.
Thank you Maggie
November 10th, 2008 at 8:08 am
bandick says:
You did it. You helped “just one woman.” And the rest is icing. You’re changing the world.
November 10th, 2008 at 8:31 am
O'Neal says:
Oh my goodness! I (& I bet you too!) never imagined in a million years this wonderful revolution you are leading would have begun it’s magic so fast before it’s really even come into being finished! With that just from your article, and no telling how many others you helped and touched that read what you wrote, can you imagine how many prospects you will help and/or save in the future & continue to help??? Those printed words are permanent and will still be ringing true for years to come! I don’t even have the words to describe how happy I am right now,not to mention proud to just witness such a wonderful thing, but do have the biggest thank you in the world for YOU Miss Maggie, your braveness & boldness using your gift has been and is a blessing to more than any will ever know!!! Keep on rock’n it girl, you’re on the right path!
And another HUGE thank you to Sam for helping with all the design & domain hosting! The behind the scenes people are just a much the heart of it as any involved! Bravo to everyone involved!
November 10th, 2008 at 9:50 am
SugarJones says:
So glad that my vote counted! Awesome. I am excited in a solemn and discovering kind of way. What a journey this will be.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:08 am
:: Plain Jane Mom Blog says:
[...] Strong story and announcement of a powerful new blog. Check them both out. [...]
November 10th, 2008 at 10:11 am
karma_musings says:
Now doubly glad I just started following you on Twitter. Thanks for this and all that you’re doing.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Kellie says:
iS there any way you can put a link to your article on your blog or e-mail me with it? I do not live in WI, but have someone in mind I would love to read your article as well.
Thanks
November 10th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Susan says:
Wow, indeed. You are making a difference, Maggie. You are doing a great thing. Rock on.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:51 am
HeatherPride says:
Maggie!! So proud of you! I know this made you feel amazing. And it should!
November 10th, 2008 at 11:02 am
enthalpymama says:
You are doing great things. I’m sure we all have a friend and a story (hopefully their story, not ours), but its just not something we talk about.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Kori says:
I wish my mom had known you, and I wish I had known you about 9 years earlier.
November 10th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Carrie says:
That is a perfect name. Thank you Maggie.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
well read hostess says:
Goosebumps! I have goosebumps reading that!
November 10th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
A Free Man says:
Woo hoo, my vote counted for the second time in a week! Will look forward to it!
November 10th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
muskrat says:
ACORN signed me up 12 times, but my votes still weren’t enough.
November 10th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
pgoodness says:
Wow. You are making a major difference already. Good for you (and for the lives you’re touching.). Am so proud to be in your world.
November 10th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
The Introvert says:
Wow, indeed. Thank you again for bringing attention to this issue. It’s so hard to see yourself as being in that situation until someone spells it out for you.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Hannah says:
I just found your blog tonight, and it so awesome that another blog is going up to address this issue. I hope the site has great success, and reaches people that need it. Tell your friend to address the faith aspect of this issue. Goodness knows the church needs help in their denial. Good writers and blogs, website, etc are needed to get the word out! My prayers go up for you all! Blessings!
November 10th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
flutter says:
thank you for doing this
November 11th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Christy says:
That must be an incredible feeling to know that you’ve already helped at least one person–and possibly saved her life. Incredible!
November 11th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
JessWrites says:
That’s awesome Maggie… so inspiring. I’m so glad that you are bringing this problem to the surface and helping women… one at a time. Your new website is going to be such a great thing.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
mamatulip says:
I am so proud of you, Maggie.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Teri says:
Great name. Very important cause. Will be watching. I have a cousin who is in law school and just started volunteering at a domestic violence center. I told her about your project. Wishing you all the best.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
conversemomma says:
I am thankful for this. For you.
November 11th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
karey m. says:
well. this was amazing. made my heart race.
this one matters to the world. as do you.
November 12th, 2008 at 4:30 am
Bennie says:
This is simply amazing! I know you don’t consider yourself as brave as those 7 women who spoke up but honestly you are just as courageous for taking this issue to another level. I’m very proud to be your friend.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:54 am
blissfully caffeinated says:
Maggie, that’s amazing. Keep pushing, it’s worth it.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Mojo says:
You.
Rock.
I can’t think of another word to say.
And I know a lot of words.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
crazymumma says:
My elder daughter is obsessed with the Twilight series. I read it as well. And I felt purty darn fine when I told her that I would never want her to have an oversolicitous boyfriend such as Edward. That outside of the context of this story, his behaviour would be considered stalking.
Knowledge is power. You must feel wonderful about how your message went thru.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Kimmie says:
“Thank You” Maggie….
November 14th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
muskrat says:
I did a speech in college ROTC about this problem’s prevalence in the military. I’ll look forward to seeing the final product when it’s launched.
Incidentally, there’s a great Veterans’ Day post here:
http://tinyurl.com/628nko
Not all of them are violent.
November 14th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Sunday Linky Love says:
[...] Maggie is saving lives with her story on domestic violence. [...]
November 16th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Debby says:
I just surfed to your blog through Ahead of the Wave and found this post. I am looking forward to reading more and I’d like to share this with you also. My friend Ellen writes A Girl’s Garden of Menopause, and I occasionally guest blog there. This is my story:
http://www.girlsgardenofmenopause.com/my_weblog/open_letters/
For the past fifteen years, I have been working as a volunteer for the DV shelter in Phoenix that helped me and my children; I’ve done publicity, fundraising, and have been on the Board of Directors for twelve years. It’s simply amazing that even though the awareness has grown substantially over the past twenty years, people still don’t know the truth and there is so much work that needs to be done in education, prevention and services. Your efforts show how many people you have reached already, and I’d like to help in any way I can.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Okay, Fine, Dammit » The Closet says:
[...] world spins so madly sometimes I feel dizzy, sick. Tragedies and joys are playing out simultaneously all the time. All the time. As my mother-in-law stepped off the plane from a three-week vacation in [...]
December 1st, 2008 at 9:41 am
Okay, Fine, Dammit » Scars says:
[...] violence blog is almost ready. I am actively seeking contributors, preferably not anonymous, to share personal stories of DV (whether physical or emotional, whether as a partner or as a child). Let me know if you would [...]
January 14th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Sheri Perroux says:
We’ve emailed before and I had 26 years of violence. I got out in 2003 and It seems like it would take me a year to tell you everything, but if i didn’t it would be incomplete. I would like to share, email me so I can ask you a few questions!
I truly admire what you’re doing!
Sheri
January 15th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Where am I going...and why am I in this handbasket? says:
[...] going to get when I open my reader – sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry. I’m inspired, moved and touched by so much that I read, left awestruck by the talent that’s out there, the [...]
January 16th, 2009 at 11:57 am
PattiW says:
Congratulations. I am inspired by your words and will certainly ‘play them forward”.
June 9th, 2009 at 11:08 am