Love Letter
I hate admitting how much I hate it when you’re gone. It’s hard enough as it is, people thinking I’m some kind of princess because you do so much around here, and apparently this is a rare quality in a man but I wouldn’t know because we have been us for sixteen years. They shake their head in awe at you, cluck their tongues and lament my luck, and I feel like if I gnash my teeth and throw up my arms and scream, “I MISS DAVE!” they will only nod and resist rolling their eyes and walk away thinking they know just why. I hate that the perception of your strength somehow equals my weakness. So I move about the days and I don’t say anything at all.
Because here’s the thing: the household maintenance, the minutia of the day, it’s not so bad. It didn’t take me long to invent a quick and effective tackle with which to administer the cat’s cancer meds, or to figure out that fancy contraption you bought so I can clean up the medicine he rejects. So the deep freeze has somehow mysteriously locked itself, I just went to the store, big deal. Hauling in the firewood is a pain and garbage day was kind of a bitch, but we’ve only missed the bus once so I think we’re ahead. And the kids, they’ve been great, they’re really well behaved minus the occasional complete and total meltdown and the weather could be more cooperative and this overdue article could write itself but really, it’s okay. It’s not about all the running around, the fixing the broken, the keeping track of hundreds of tasks that multiply and scatter like baby spiders — I can do it. It’s not fun, and I squash a few of them underfoot, but we’re making it. None of these things are why I miss you.
When everything is going well, or at least uneventfully and predictably, I’m fine. Sure, things don’t shine quite as brightly, sure there’s a little less joy, and I pick up the phone automatically to tell you this funny thing or that before slowly setting it back down as it dawns upon me you’re not there, you can’t be reached, sure that’s when I remember how long this week and a half is, these eleven or twelve days, these 264 or 288 hours, because while things feel good they don’t feel quite good enough, and still, that’s not so bad. That isn’t it.
It’s not even the potholes, and the way they instantly turn into grand canyons when you’re gone. Like last night, after the phone call from the loan agency from hell, after learning about the $1,000 mistake, after an hour of screaming and shaking and hanging up and freaking out the kids so completely, not because of the crying, not because of the crumpling to the floor, but because, “Mommy, you were so rude to that person!” and they recognize its rarity, they know I am not rude, no matter what, so they know something is off and that thing that is off is me. And still, that’s not what I mean. The off-ness, that’s not it.
It’s the way my spine straightened at the sound of your voice on the phone an hour later. The way the colors stopped bleeding into one another and sharpened back into focus. The way every fibrous muscle in my body relaxed as you said, “Shhhhhh. Everything will be okay.” How I was instantly whole again, though not a single circumstance had changed.
Because when I’m with you, I believe. I believe in me, in us, in the goodness of other people, in the truth of the simple statement that everything will be okay. When you’re not here, it just isn’t true. That’s why I miss you. That’s what the rest of them can’t see. When you’re gone, I don’t believe.
Come home soon.
Petra says:
Wow, I’m first I think!
Beautiful post and I can totally relate, not because my husband does ANYTHING around the house, but because I feel a little bit incomplete when he is away.
Very nice read. Thanks!
November 12th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Jim says:
Not too long now. You’ve almost made it. It even seems like your sanity mostly remains. Good for you.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:44 am
slouching mom says:
sigh….
…now THAT is love.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:46 am
kd@abitsquirrelly says:
Hang in there.
Beautiful letter. I miss my husband when he is gone too…I completely understand.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Xbox4NappyRash says:
I kind of miss the big guy myself now….
November 12th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Mr Lady says:
You know, this explains so much about why you’re such a charmed person. You know true love. I think that’s a beautiful thing.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Wendy says:
It’s really wonderful to have a man that completes you that way. Thomas doesn’t do anything around the house, but that’s how I feel about him. We nearly broke up a couple of weeks ago, and that was what had me so upset about it. Not the money or the help with the kids. Just missing him.
You’re very lucky Maggie. I’m glad we’re both members of that club. Of course, though, our husbands are very lucky, too. I’m sure they both realize that.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:49 am
muskrat says:
I’d be moved if you hadn’t used the same language in your emails to me.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Neil says:
Wow, I want your type of marriage!
November 12th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Corine says:
Beautiful!
I can totally relate because I am married to an amazing man just like you.
When he’s not around, I just do not feel complete.
So many women complain about their husbands, and the complaints I have are petty in comparison, and I feel guilty.
I think the important part is taht we know in our hearts how truly lucky and loved we are.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
This is my life for the next 2-3 years. I see him once a week. I know exactly what you are going through. It physically hurts. Hang in there.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Natalie says:
Aww Maggie, I hope I can someday find that kind of love.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
chanda says:
I can’t think of a better, more true reason to miss someone. He’s as lucky to have you as you are to have him. Forget what the other’s believe to be one sided, you and Dave no better.
Hang in there, he’ll be back soon… and just think of all the welcome home sex to be had. ; )
November 12th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
chanda says:
“know” not “no”. Hard to think I’ve been typing for 20 years!
November 12th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Betsey Booms says:
It’s because of your appreciation that you are on the receiving end of the wonderful gift he must be.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Miss Britt says:
I can’t decide which of you is luckier.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Black Hockey Jesus says:
I get it. I’m married to a spine snapper too.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Bennie says:
Ditto to what BHJ said. It really is great to be in that kind of relationship…until they are physically far away.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Gwen says:
Aww, you two crazy kids! Nice to see how love survives and deepens in 16 years.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
kat says:
Because when I’m with you, I believe. I believe in me, in us, in the goodness of other people, in the truth of the simple statement that everything will be okay. When you’re not here, it just isn’t true. That’s why I miss you. That’s what the rest of them can’t see. When you’re gone, I don’t believe.
How can you explain my feelings for my husband so perfectly… so much better than I ever could?
So beautiful. With all the spewing some of my friends and coworkers do, I feel something of an oddity. It warms my heart to know that someone feels the same way about their spouse as I feel about mine.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Mojo says:
I know I’ve said it before, but Dave? You, my friend, are an exceptionally lucky man. I hope you realize just how rare what you have is.
Because the rest of us do.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
derfina says:
Ahhh. This makes me ache for the Innocent Bystander. *heavy sigh*
November 12th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
deezee says:
This is so beautiful, such a rich expression of appreciation. For someone who’s been single for, let’s see, about two lifetimes now, your words make me believe in love again.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Pamela says:
this should SO not be listed as ‘posts i’ll probably delete tomorrow’.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
PAPA says:
if everyone could appreciate their partner like this there would be no domestic violence, right?
i love your line “the goodness of people”…
this was refreshing. thanks.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Brenda-SeriouslyMama says:
My husband travels a lot and I feel what you are feeling on a weekly basis except I have never had the words before. Beautiful loves are hard to find. I’m happy you found the one to keep you going. I did too.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
vodkamom says:
That was a wonderful post! And I miss the damn fella now, too!!!
November 12th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Kate Coveny Hood says:
This is why people get married. Or at least this is why people should get married. There are probably a million blog posts written every day about why people *shouldn’t*. How lovely to be reminded of why we absolutely should.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Erika says:
Awww….I want to be married to Dave! Oh, wait — I already am and her name is Jenn.
What a touching tribute to your partnership.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Christina says:
Dammit Maggie! My man left Sunday and I was doing OK with it ya know? Now I am all melancholy.
He’ll be back on Friday night and even though it’s been 8+ years we still aren’t married or even live together but it doesn’t matter because I so GET how you feel. That reaching the phone thing. That just knowing he is THERE. That spine snapping thing. So so true.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Heather says:
Beautiful. True. The term “my other half” really makes sense…
November 12th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Carolyn Online says:
Huh, and when my husband’s gone I’m just so happy to control the remote. But I do miss him too. Well, not Dave, you know my husband. When he’s gone. Which is hardly ever. Thus the fun remote hogging thing.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Dory says:
I know EXACTLY what you mean. When Hunky was gone for 10 days in May, people rolled their eyes when I said it felt like I was missing a limb. He’s not only PART of me, he almost IS me, kind of. I’m not the same person when he’s gone. I’m a better person when he’s here.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Ashley says:
Now THAT was one hell of a love letter…and so very refreshing. Hope he comes home soon!
November 12th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
flutter says:
this is how it should be, babe. This, right here.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Melissa says:
This is just wonderful. Love it.
November 12th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
we_be_toys says:
Oh sweetie, I hope he’s getting home soon! We can’t have our Magdalena crumpling on the floor and frightening the children – damn loan agencies – they have goddamn disaster radar, don’t they?
Only missing the bus once is very good, btw!!!
Some people are just made to be with each other, they complete each other.
…blissful sigh…!
Psst! Dave – how many deer you gotta bag, man? The girl’s starting to sound like Scotty from Star Trek, when they’re pushing the engines and the Klingons are shooting down the shields:
“I canna hold her! She’ll likely overload Cap’n!”
November 12th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Chris/Formerly Fun says:
I love hearing about the happily marrieds. So many women I know sit around and bitch about their husbands, I think it’s rather toxic. I have the best husband on earth, he isn’t perfect but he’s perfect for me. He finds nearly all of my potentially irritating habits and moodiness most endearing and he is 100% supportive of everything I do, oh and he cooks, and he can clean, and he is an amazing parent and my rock I never knew I needed. I love when I hear I’m not the only one.
November 12th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Aunt Jenn says:
My Dave leaves next week for a trip that I can’t go on because I’m too pregnant with our first baby.
There is something so unfair about that.
I know I’ll miss him in many unexplainable ways, I appreciate your words.
love you.
November 12th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Liz says:
What a beautiful post. It sort-of makes me sad that I don’t feel that, but I don’t think it any way lessens my relationship with my hubby. At least, I hope to heck it doesn’t…
My hubby can chop blocks too. Way cool.
November 12th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
anymommy says:
Lovely. Hope he hurries home to you. I feel incomplete when Matt is gone too. Also, I’m afraid of the dark. He makes the dark not scary.
November 12th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
A Free Man says:
What a sweetheart!
I know how you feel. Whenever Sinead and I are apart I just feel incomplete.
November 12th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
paige says:
How sweet! My husband showed up unexpectedly from a road trip last nite and I was shocked at how nice it was to have him home—very strange
November 12th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
steenky bee says:
Beautiful as always. This is the sort of love letter I would love to get. None of that, ‘your eyes are pools of moonlight’ crap for me. I want to hear how I’m needed and that my husband appreciates that I never complain about the toilet seat position. You are amazing!!!!! (That last sentence was for you, Maggie)
November 12th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
enthalpymama says:
He’s lucky he has a wife who can express with such eloquence.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Tina says:
Wow. Beautiful. If I ever wrote something so beautiful to Yes,Dear he’d wonder what I was up to.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
crazymumma says:
At first I thoiught you meant gone. Like gone.
i am relieved it is not.
I have been with my guy for almost 17 years. And despite our issues. There is this….solidity when he is around.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
qt says:
Jeebus – I hope no bats resurface….:)
November 12th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Rachie says:
Wow, I don’t even know the guy and I miss him! How wonderful it must be to have someone in your life that’s so essential, it’s like they’re your oxygen. Without them, living/breathing gets very difficult. I hope he comes home soon.
November 12th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
krista says:
this is one of the most beautiful things i’ve ever read.
November 12th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Fran says:
Thank you for sharing and giving us a peek into your relationship. I’m 23 years into my marriage and I know how important it is to keep that love alive. Keep it up, sister!
November 12th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Heather says:
I don’t know what to say…
November 12th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
merlotmom says:
beautiful
November 12th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Jennifer H says:
Lucky you. Lucky him.
(And I totally lost freaked out about something today, too. I’m hoping it will be a charming family story someday.)
November 12th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
fancy feet says:
Great post. I just wrote a little something (nice…it was nice) about my husband the other day…..maybe it’s in the air.
I love what you said about believing. I feel the same way about the man in my life.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Felicity says:
Is it bad that I want my husband to go away, or me, whichever, so I can miss him this way? Harsh, but true. There needs to be the space to see what lies in between.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Kelley says:
Oh babe.
That is true love.
My heart broke just a little tiny bit.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:59 am
Secret Agent Mama says:
Maggie, I don’t know if you know yet, but my husband is gone a lot with his job. He’s a cargo pilot and his schedule is work two weeks and home for one. It’s hard as all-effing-hell. I seriously connected to this piece of writing. And just last night I took the time to look through some of my photos and Flickr and got misty eyed at the realization that I was alone. That I could do all that I needed to do, but being alone hurts because of the incompleteness of it.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Last Place Finisher says:
A beautiful letter.
Noting the comments, I think that we are capable of having that kind of a marriage. It takes the courage, by both partners, to submit to something that is greater than either of them alone. If you can embrace that, and not resent it, you’re a long way down the road.
I pray that I have that courage.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Alison Veres says:
When you can believe even when your husband is not around, then you will have more to give.
Don’t put the burden of keeping your belief alive on your husband — that’s a pretty worrisome burden I would think.
Maybe I’m reading you too literally. Maybe what you were saying is that when he is with you, your belief is stronger, and when he is gone, it gets weak.
But if you really meant it exactly as you wrote it? That when he is gone you don’t believe? You need to get stronger. For yourself. And for him.
November 13th, 2008 at 11:33 am
jill says:
I just don’t exist when my husband is not with me. We are a team, and are only whole when together, It’s nice too know other people feel that way too. It’s a good thing I do feel this way because we also work together and are rarely apart. After 27 wonderful years of together we both cant stand to be apart!
November 13th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Captain Steve says:
If I ever get married, I want it to be like that.
November 13th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Pare says:
I’d like to state for the record that Maggie? Maggie is STRONG AS HELL.
She misses Dave – crap, *I* miss Dave – and that’s okay, in whatever way she means it, in whichever way she writes it.
You don’t have to get it. SHE does. And that’s ALL that matters.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Gypsy says:
Ah, that was lovely. Their voice makes all the difference sometimes.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Kori says:
This is beautiful.
November 13th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Sharon says:
Even, though I don’t know him, I think *I* love Dave now too.
Truly a beautiful letter, showing love at its best. Even for those of us that may not have it, a gift to know it’s real.
November 13th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Emerald says:
Dammit. There should be a Maggie,Dammit widget for life, so I can tell Josh how hard it is being away from him with even a fraction of your elegance.
I’ll just send him a link
November 13th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Jennifer (Et Tu?) says:
Wow, what a great post! I just randomly stumbled across your blog in my web surfing and am glad to have found it. I’ll definitely be back.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Rachel says:
My DH travels alot for his job and this is exactly how I feel. No one around me gets it. They just tell me to get over it that that’s part of being a pilot’s wife, but it’s so nice to know that someone else feels the same way I do about my hubby! Great post!
November 13th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
For Myself says:
How I know that love that balances you plum and can make you feel weak for it. That tug-of-war love that keeps you centered. I know that love. He’s laying next to me in bed right now.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Colleen says:
Oh, hon. I do so know how you feel. I wish I could put into words how much I miss Hubby while he’s gone. I don’t think I could put it just right, the way you did. I’m glad it’s not too much longer for you. Me? December 19th is boot camp graduation. It feels like I’m just not whole. So I do know. Hang in there!
November 13th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Carrie says:
I know this feeling too – the unrightness of everything when they are gone.
Soon.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:44 am
Angel says:
Beautiful! And I know exactly what you mean.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:51 am
Mariah says:
Truth be told, I would be in a ditch without my man in my life. Yes, he fixes everything, but he is more than that; he is my anchor.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Kimmie says:
Maggie, you are so “Rich In Love”…what an absolute blessing.
Thank You for this beautiful post.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
LaskiGal says:
They say the apartness just helps you appreciate the togetherness.
I s’pose that’s true.
But me . . . I guess I’m just all about the completeness.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
DysdHousewife says:
Man o man. I don’t even KNOW the guy, and now I miss him too!! FANTASTIC post.
November 14th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Elisa says:
Oh, I can SO relate. My husband also helps a lot, he’s very supportive, he’s just wonderful. And I know what you mean when you say that the help part, it’s not why you miss him. You miss him because it’s him, and because it’s you (as in: you two). Such a lovely post – our feelings are so well expressed!
November 14th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Tricia says:
It’s refreshing to read about how much someone cares for and respects their husband. So often women spend a ton of time bashing husbands for miscellaneous slights. Thanks for putting a beautiful tribute out there.
November 14th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
The Introvert says:
Wow. You are indeed a lucky, lucky girl.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Braja says:
That was touching and sad….it reminded me of all the things that have gone wrong in my marriage. And then I cried…
November 15th, 2008 at 5:24 am
Alison Veres says:
Your blog inspired my blog today. Thanks for making me think hard about my marriage and relationship and realize that, although I come from a different persective in some ways, at the foundation, we are similar. I know I have a good thing. I always like it when something I read reminds me to be grateful.
November 15th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Rhea says:
I wish I had this feeling. I miss it. I’m married to my childhood sweetheart, but something’s gone wrong.
This letter was wonderful. You expressed your feelings so well in such a wonderful manner. Thank you for sharing this.
November 15th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Thomas says:
You took the words from my mouth, the sentiments from my heart, Rhea.
Like you, my childhood sweetheart and I matured in different directions. Now, something’s very wrong. And I think neither of us would say “I hate it when you’re gone.”
This is a beautiful letter and I appreciate how much Dave’s s.o. feels in her heart.
November 16th, 2008 at 6:59 am
Nutmeg says:
What a beautiful post. How lucky you are to have a love like this; it is inspirational to know that a couple like you and your husband live and breathe. Thanks.
November 16th, 2008 at 7:06 am
Missives From Suburbia says:
*sigh*
My husband has been gone for the past two weeks. It’s been such a wonderful weekend now that he’s back.
November 16th, 2008 at 8:11 am
XUP says:
Wow. That’s moving and frightening at the same time. How great the two of you found each other
November 16th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Jennifer says:
I remember the good old days when Mr. C would help around the house. Ahh. To be young again.
I love the letter… and since I travel a lot, I can relate.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Maura says:
Like they say, that’s what love is. Beautiful and heartfelt. I’m glad you shared it with us.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
schmutzie says:
I wrote a little bit about a similar feeling today.
You have reminded about when the Palinode travelled for work, and he would be gone anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks at a time and reality slipped and slipped away until he walked back in that door.
Yay love.
November 17th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Bluestreak says:
this post is so touching. i miss someone too.
you put my thoughts into words.
November 18th, 2008 at 2:12 am
Nora Bee says:
Lovely!
November 18th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Modite - Careers are like relationships, so ask your mom for advice says:
[...] how. I tell her that I’ve been sabotaging the relationship, and I don’t know how to stop. I confess everything, and feel the weight [...]
November 19th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
arizaphale says:
You know, I was on my own with the BA for 10 years and I was ok. My mother asked why I wanted to find a partner at my advanced age (ha!) and I said to her that I wanted to be that somebody that means more to a person than anyone else. I wanted a significant other. I wanted to BE a significant other. We can all get the wood in but we need someone to believe in us. I found mine. Glad you have yours too.
November 26th, 2008 at 6:25 am
Careers are like relationships, so ask your mom for advice | Bizzy Women says:
[...] how. I tell her that I’ve been sabotaging the relationship, and I don’t know how to stop. I confess everything, and feel the weight [...]
December 19th, 2008 at 2:31 am