Awareness
I thought about deleting last night’s post, but the comments are already too valuable. I wanted to do away with the post not because I regret the message, but because I could have and should have done better. I was tired, and I was sad, and I was angry.
I’m no night owl — I do all of my writing during the day, when the coffee’s hottest and the light is least depressing. It’s interesting the way a post comes out differently when you write it long past bedtime, half dressed and freezing on a living room sofa, cloaked in the heaviest of darkness, the screen barely visible through the tears. I’m going to try to do better right now.
On last night’s post, Elizabeth commented, “How many people are aware that October is Domestic Violence Awareness month? Most people associate this time of year with pink ribbons and fundraising initiatives to support breast cancer research. ” She had no way of knowing that simple sentiment is what started this all for me a year ago.
I’ve bragged endlessly about meeting Gloria Steinem last year. The reason I met her was because she came to town for the 30th anniversary of Domestic Abuse Intervention Services in Madison. Our city magazine scored an exclusive interview, and they gave it to me. I spent 30 minutes on the phone with her, and then she invited me to be her guest at the banquet, and that’s where we snapped that picture. From her, I learned how incredibly pervasive domestic violence is, and how even though we’ve come a long way, an honest community conversation is still very much lacking. I’d also interviewed a close friend who is a TV news anchor for the same article, and she told me how frustrating it was to sit there in the newsroom and listen to the scanners trumpeting all of these arrests and know, because of safety and privacy concerns, that she couldn’t say a word on-air. I learned that in our own highly-educated, affluent, white-collar county in Wisconsin, between one third and one half of all arrests are domestic violence related. But these stories most certainly did not make up one half or one third of the news. They were only reported when someone died. Murder-suicide.
The article with my Gloria Steinem interview ran in the October issue last year, right alongside a stunning portfolio profiling breast cancer survivors (written by someone else.) I thought to myself, why can’t we do an article just like this for domestic violence victims? But I knew why. It wasn’t safe. Where would I find women who were safe enough? Brave enough? Whose situations were uncomplicated enough? It would never work.
I decided to try anyway.
Thanks to the help of a prominent local advocate, seven women — seven women — agreed to be photographed, agreed to use their full names, and agreed to let me tell their personal stories. The article will be on newsstands before the month is out, in time for Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
This is the cruel, hard fact: One in four women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime, according to a 2000 report by the National Institute of Justice. Tell me, do you know four women? Believe me, the men and women who are victims of abuse are all around you. They look exactly like you. They are sitting next to you at the PTO meeting and they are pumping gas in the next stall and they are your sons and daughters’ friends and they are your sons and daughters. And it’s not always easy to tell. And it doesn’t start out violent. Men don’t walk up to women and punch them in the face, to have women say, “Gosh, you’re romantic, let’s get married!” It is slow, creeping, insidious, until you wake up one day and find you are not the person you once were, and you have no idea how you got here. It has happened to me, and since starting this article I have learned that it happened to many, many people I thought I knew. Listen to me: Every nine seconds in this country, a woman is beaten. How many seconds did it take you to read this post? If you read fast, maybe you can do it in a two minutes. 120 seconds. That’s 13 women while you read these words.
The several months spent living inside the words of these wounded women have not been easy. I’ve mentioned before the unfortunate tendency I have to sponge up the emotions of the people around me, and the interview and writing process for this piece affected me deeply. It cut, and it itched, and it burned. But it also healed, and it evolved, and it surprised. These women were such a gift to me. Their stories are now forever entwined with mine, deep inside.
That’s what brought me to my knees about Viviana. I did not know her. She was not one of the women profiled in my article — but she was exactly like them. She lived in the same town as my seven women. She volunteered with other victims, just like my seven women. She had managed to leave her abuser, just like my seven women. She knew several of my women, and they knew her. To me, reading that article, it was like I’d lost one of mine. And in addition to the mourning, part of me felt a sick lump of fear forming in my stomach for my new friends, and what the exposure from this upcoming article could mean for them. Bravery is not a strong enough word. It just isn’t. So, please: we owe it to them to listen.
In my article, I speak these women’s names, because the fact that they are using them is the most powerful thing of all. That’s why Viviana’s name squeaked painfully out of me last night, why I whispered it over and over again. Why I’ll continue to whisper it in my heart, along with the seven others I’ve come to know as well as my own. Why I’ll continue to listen for their stories.
May they all be heard.
maggie, dammit says:
I am re-posting a comment from last night’s post, from “Elizabeth” (no URL) because it is incredibly valuable.
Elizabeth says,
How many people are aware that October is Domestic Violence Awareness month?
Most people associate this time of year with pink ribbons and fundraising initiatives to support breast cancer research. While a noble cause, and certainly a disease that threatens our society, it’s much “safer” to support this cause. But does it really need as much help as educating our culture of the effects of Domestic Violence? I, personally, have chosen the road less traveled.
I live and work in an affluent area in New England. Recently, a wealthy man was angered by the break up of a relationship with his mistress. Posing as her, he posted detailed information identifying her car, where she worked, her home address, her commuting routine, and more to a porn web site stating her “fantasy” was to be raped by a stranger. Luckily, the person who offered to fulfill that fantasy thought to confirm it was a genuine request, and this led to the man’s arrest. Imagine being that woman for a moment, constantly looking over her shoulder, waiting to be attacked…
The point is, most people associate domestic violence with the drunk red neck in the “wife beater” t-shirt in the low-income area of town “across the tracks”. But it’s pervasive across all regions of the country and all economic backgrounds. It’s a deep, dark secret that NO ONE wants to acknowledge. And you definitely know someone who is a victim of abuse, because it’s not limited to physical beatings. It’s manipulative threats of any kind: physical, sexual, financial, and emotional.
Pay close attention to the relationships you see: Does a person (Who is supposed to love you/them) keep track of you/their time or comings and goings? Try to isolate you/them from family or friends? Grab, slap or kick you, or pull your hair? Threaten to hurt you or your children? Force you to have sex against your will?
These are all signs. And if you identify the behavior amongst your friends, it’s vitally important not to judge them (i.e. “Why don’t you just leave?” In most cases it’s extremely dangerous to “just leave”.) Stop. Listen. Allow them to ask you for help when they feel comfortable. Be supportive and encourage them to talk about it freely. Above all, do NOT report the abuser, unless s/he’s in immediate danger. (Yes, men are abused as well). Doing so could ramp up the abusive behavior and your friend’s life could become seriously at risk. Contact a Domestic Violence Abuse Hotline to seek guidance from a trained professional about how to help in the most productive and SAFE way.
Thanks for posting this, Maggie. I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now and you have a powerful voice. And thanks for raising awareness of this horrible social disease.
October 8th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Amy Shoemaker says:
…
My name is Amy Shoemaker.
I am a FORMER victim of domestic abuse.
I know that I am one of the Extremely lucky ones.
My father believed that anything and everything that ever went wrong in his life was my fault.
I have scars, X-Rays, and the CAT scans to prove it.
My EX-Husband was not AS physical, but way more emotional.
I am STILL trying to get custody of my kids. I chould have fought harder.
I still sit here somedays and wonder HOW I managed to marry this man who loves me without question. 5 year in and I am still afraid I’m not good enough.
He just holds me and tells me that I am worth more than I can imagine and he’s glad he’s good enough for me…
Thank You. Thank you for giving domestic violence a voice. Without that person in my life that is just like you, I don’t think I could have ever found the strength in me to not only make my move, but to survive it…
October 8th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Amy Shoemaker says:
that was should…
October 8th, 2008 at 9:11 am
pgoodness says:
i went from chills to tears. You are a superb writer and I would love to read about your women who have survived such horror and are so brave.
pgoodness´s last blog post..Fondue & Orchard lovin
October 8th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Bennie says:
If I’m not mistaken my home state (South Carolina) leads the nation in the number of spousal domestic abuse cases. Imagine how many go unreported. What a great “honor” for The Palmetto State.
I was truly oblivious to this issue until I ran into a former neighbor a few years ago. We decided to have lunch together. She told me that she was a recovering alcoholic (shock #1). She then told me that she was separated from her husband, a guy I played golf with, celebrated holidays with, lounged by the pool with. Given the topic at hand you can figure out the reason (shock #2).
You are so very right in saying bravery just doesn’t describe what they have done. I pray their lives will benefit from your article.
Bennie´s last blog post..
October 8th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Susan says:
May they all be heard, indeed.
Again, Maggie, what you are doing is just so important.
Susan´s last blog post..One of those days
October 8th, 2008 at 9:30 am
derfina says:
Wonderful posts, Maggie-they took my breath away.
derfina´s last blog post..Cover yer arse, Gussie
October 8th, 2008 at 9:33 am
kris says:
Maggie, even through your writing it’s easy to see that you have such a lovely spirit.
kris´s last blog post..Just another manic Monday
October 8th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Miss Britt says:
These stories are hard to read. I’m so amazingly proud of these women, and yet so terrified because I know how many are NOT like them – and how many others are hurt in the process.
Miss Britt´s last blog post..Declare Yourself
October 8th, 2008 at 9:40 am
muskrat says:
wow. that’s awful…now i feel guilty for making fun of this phenomenon in my “white trash lit” post.
i’m glad you gave viviana deference last night and helped to raise awareness. i’m apparently one of those in the “happy bubble” (unlike that david kid in the 1980s) who didn’t know it goes beyond the trailer park. shame on me.
muskrat´s last blog post..busted!
October 8th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Christina says:
Absolutely wonderful – BOTH posts. I understand your fear for the women in your article. Yes, it is so so hard to shed light on DV due to the need to protect the victims. Yes, I know the signs. My first husband was a classic emotional/mental abuser – never physical but that is no matter – it’s still abuse. It still makes you feel small and unlovable and less than you are. Oh yeah, I totally believe that 1 in 4 stat. It’s horrible and one of the causes I intend to support as soon as my son does not take up so much of my time.
THANK YOU for highlighting this.
Christina´s last blog post..Please empty the contents of your purse….
October 8th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Nicole says:
No. If it only it WERE limited to trailer parks. (Not that those folks deserve it either.) At least that way you could point to a place it is and know that it goes no further.
If only …
No. Abusers aren’t restricted to wearing “wife-beater” T-shirts anymore than they have “Yes, I beat the hell out of my wife” tattooed on their foreheads. And no, it’s not something limited to beer-swillin’, welfare-cashin’ hillbillies.
Sometimes, abusers wear expensive suits and drive nice cars to high-paying executive jobs. They are usually extremely likeable, highly respectable, and extremely charming. This is what really works to their advantage. Because, if and when their wife is ever able to leave them, people don’t want to believe what she says. And, because of his resources, he can employ high-powered attorneys to basically destroy her and any chance she may have of receiving custody of her children.
And, assuming that the abuse didn’t already extend directly to those children, they’ll be left in the hands of this master manipulator, thereby condemning history to repeat itself.
And far too many times, just like with Viviana, they end up killing the wife. Sometimes, they even get away with it.
People who don’t understand domestic violence say “Why doesn’t/didn’t she just leave?”
If only it was as simple as walking away and it was all over. If only there wasn’t a mental abuse layer to this scenario that runs deeper than any bruise ever could. That’s what makes it work for the abuser – their victims already have something in their psyche that keeps them firmly attached in place or too terrified to try to escape.
If only …
Nicole´s last blog post..Completely At Random
October 8th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Elizabeth says:
Thank you so much for writing this.
Elizabeth´s last blog post..American Experience
October 8th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Angel says:
We should all memorize the names of your seven women, and say them daily to anyone who will listen. It takes a strength much greater than many of us will ever know to come forward like that. We need to make sure their voices are heard.
One in four. How can we possibly be ok with that? That number should enrage us. It should shake our voices into a primal scream. And we shouldn’t stop screaming until no woman feels the only way out is death.
October 8th, 2008 at 10:06 am
XUP says:
What an honour for you to be able to contribute this way. Now if only it could reach all the right eyes and ears.
XUP´s last blog post..Peelers and Peelees
October 8th, 2008 at 10:13 am
liv says:
getting away is most of it. dealing with the isolation and fear is another painful place to go. sometimes i think of being slammed into a plate glass window on the 17th floor apartment in 1996, and i wonder how i let myself ever be in that place. mostly, i am glad that i got out.
liv´s last blog post..ten things tuesday…
October 8th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Auds says:
This is something every single person needs to read.
As my husband and I dropped my oldest daughter off at college this year and walked around her dorm area, we exchanged looks with one another that said the same thing…will she be safe? Not just safe from the excess of all-too-prevalent drinking and drugs, but from unhealthy relationships. Oh her 2nd floor dormitory, there are 28 girls. It’s heartbreaking and painful to think that of those 28 girls, that at least 7 will be victim to some form of domestic abuse at some point in their lives. 7 of those fresh-faced, ready to tackle the world and absorb knowledge like so many sponges – they’re world will be irrevocably changed due to domestic violence.
We thought Meg (our daughter) was going to be safer in this tiny private college, nestled in the foothills overlooking a deep blue lake, surrounded by nuns and security guards.
Reality says the only way to assure her absolute safety is to arm her with knowledge that will give her the power to stand up for herself and others and to keep standing up until no one ever has to cower in a corner, broken and bleeding and fearing for their lives; wishing for it to just end, please God just let it end.
I’m going to make sure she reads this and urges the other young men and women she attends school with reads this as well.
October 8th, 2008 at 10:18 am
that girl says:
Hey Maggie – I couldn’t agree more about the pervasive nature of the beast. And you’re right – they don’t punch you in the beginning. I nearly married a man I’m convinced would have beaten the hell out of me and my children..he would have gone far beyond the shoves and grabs and breaking things against walls that he began little by little – it slips up on you, it breaks you down. They know better than to start that crap before you have yourself invested. My heart goes out to these women, they truly are in danger and they truly are stuck many times between a rock called bad and a hard place called worse. Good for you for shouting out for them.
October 8th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Carolyn Online says:
Sometimes your writing just breaks me a little.
Carolyn Online´s last blog post..Shotgun wedding divorce.
October 8th, 2008 at 10:31 am
O'Neal says:
To Nicole – THANK YOU for writing everything I was thinking. I almost believe it is more common for it to be a plague of the white collar society than the trailer parks! The only difference is the pride factor and the shame that “someone”, anyone would know the horrible ugly truth.
And THANK YOU to all the women who have the ability and courage to write aloud the words I can never seem to drag from my mind into written words. I truly admire those 7 brave women that will be featured in Maggie’s article! And at the same time pray for their safety and continued healing.
I believe the 1 in 4, possibly even 2 out of 4 ratio as so many women (and men) live a life of torment. Not just physical abuse, but the emotional abuse can be just as damaging, but so many people have lived that life for so long they can’t even recognize it is wrong anymore as it is all they have ever known. For the lucky (or maybe not so lucky) ones that DO realize it, most can’t afford to escape their hell whether it be financially or literally risking their own safety & future well being. I know so many women who just live with it for one or both of those reasons and it aches my heart tremendously. To hear a lawyer say, “Sorry, you’ll just have to live with it and stay cause you can’t afford to even PAY for the divorce.” makes me want to puke and cry. And that is what I did when I heard it myself.
Again, thank you Maggie for your wonderful, powerful voice and the way in which you use it. I always leave here with inspiration and hope that I otherwise would not manage to muster on my own. You are such a blessing to use your gift to do so much good!
O’Neal´s last blog post..Let Nature Take It’s Course
October 8th, 2008 at 10:39 am
But Why Mommy / Renee says:
I was thinking about this issue earlier in the week when another blogger asked about our experiences with 911 calls. The one and only time I ever called 911 was when a neighbor and her boyfriend where having a loud argument. She saw me in the hall and screamed for me to call 911.
I was only 19 and I was scared. I had never seen anything like that happen. Part of me didn’t want to get involved. I was worried about what would happen to me. Would he want to hurt me too?
But I couldn’t listen to the fight and not do something so I called. After my call the fight wound down so they were both cooler when the police arrived. I don’t think any arrests were made.
I didn’t think about it at the time but now I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t call. Would she have been ok?
And I also wonder what happened to her, did she get away? Did she find someone who treats her better?
But Why Mommy / Renee´s last blog post..Dolls Are No Fun
October 8th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Lara says:
The woman I carpool with to school was a lucky one. Her estranged husband hung himself. In her garage, where she and their children were left to find him and deal with all of the emotional upheaval. But he took himself out without taking her or the kids… at least physically. But he still managed to take a huge portion of them emotionally.
Viviana worked so hard to help others. I wish someone could have helped her in time. One-fourth is way too many. ANY is way too many.
Lara´s last blog post..The Power of "No"
October 8th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Elizabeth says:
Wow. your updated post made me cry. I do hope you’ll forward or post the article about those women.
Thanks for reposting my comments,too. I only wish I was as eloquent as you, and had the podium you do to articulate what’s in my head. Alas, I’m not a writer/blogger.
Instead, I own a small day spa in an affluent area of New England, which obviously caters primarily to the ladies of the community. I’ve never been a victim of abuse, but wanted to learn more about DV signs so that I could accurately identify behaviors when I was performing a massage or facial on my clients. In many cases, the ONLY place these women are allowed to go without supervision is to the salon or spa. As I learned more, I became thoroughly alarmed by what I discovered was going on in my community. The story of the guy who posted the personal information about his mistress sent me off the deep end. I’ve been involved in my community’s DV partnership program ever since, and use the “podium” of owning my business as a means to support efforts toward awareness.
I believe it begins early on, even if we’re not raised in an abusive environment. We’re subconsciously taught to put our needs last, creating a lower sense of self that opens doors to manipulative influences. Too often, those influences escalate into adulthood. We’re bullied in schools, treated as sexual objects as young women, we make less money than the boys in our careers, and god forbid if we stay home to raise the kids, our sense of self is even further diminished. We wake up one day and think “How did I get here?”
Look in the mirror and say, “I deserve to be treated with respect.”
I can only influence my immediate world around me, so I contribute financially, gift services to fundraisers for the cause, and do my best to raise awareness when the time is appropriate. My long term hope is that women find their voice, because I think it’s a beautiful voice. And for those victims who want to reprogram their brain when they’re ready, I hope they allow me an opportunity to educate them on what a healthful, nurturing and SAFE touch should feel like through massage.
~Elizabeth
October 8th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Natalie says:
Oh Maggie, I’m finding more and more that I just don’t know what to say because you are leaving me speechless. But I feel I need to leave you a comment so that you know I am reading and that your posts are so incredibly powerful. I hope that we get to see that article, so that their voices are even louder.
October 8th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
maggie, dammit says:
This comment was left on last night’s post, copied and pasted here with her permission.
PsychMamma says,
I was a victim of domestic violence in my first marriage. I need to write a whole post about it, but I’m not sure I’m ready. What I wanted to say here was that it was so surprising to me how many friends and family said that they knew or suspected BEFORE I left or told anyone. None of them said anything to me. It was the elephant in the room. My “Aha” moment that led to finally leaving was ONE friend who had the courage to say, “You don’t have to live like this. There is something better.”
If you’re tiptoeing around the elephant in the room with a friend or family member, gather you’re courage and be the ONE friend who says something. ONE person can make all the difference in the world.
Thanks for talking about this Maggie.
(http://psychmamma.wordpress.com)
October 8th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
anymommy says:
May they all be heard. Amen.
anymommy´s last blog post..Driving in D.C., Take Two
October 8th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
flutter says:
may they all be safe.
flutter´s last blog post..Lullaby
October 8th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
A Survivor says:
As I read these blog posts I start tearing because I know first hand how it feels to live in fear. One day my mother told me “we are leaving this house” In my head the words of that whisper echoed louder than a scream, as they paralyzed me with terror, and relieved me at the same time. My mother and I had been victims of my father, a merciless abuser. After we left we lived in fear thinking he would find us. He never did, but it took us years to abandon the fear. I sometimes still have nightmares but am lucky and thankful that my mother had the courage and willpower to leave, I am thankful the he never found us. So, like Maggie I will say this victim’s name Viviana…..which is heartbreaking because it is the same as mine!
October 8th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
fancy feet says:
I loved both posts. The Viviana of it all. I love that she is being honored here and maybe, hopefully, somebody’s life will be saved because of her story.
Thank you for sharing this.
fancy feet´s last blog post..When I grow up
October 8th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
The Introvert says:
I am so sorry to hear about Viviana. Thank you so much for bringing awareness to this issue. Most people really do see it as a relic of the past, but it’s not. And I would venture to say that those domestic violence statistics aren’t counting the victims of emotional and verbal abuse which can also leave deep, lasting scars.
October 8th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Mojo says:
One in four.
I’d have to get up and count, but my best guess is that there are 14 women sitting within a 25 foot radius of me right now. This minute.
One of them I know has been emotionally scarred though thankfully not physically — at least not that she admits.
I wonder who the other two are.
Mojo´s last blog post..Thematic Photographic 19: "Grounded"
October 8th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Addie says:
I’m not signing this with the name I usually comment under. Some things you share openly, others you hide behind.
I was a victim of abuse; physically from my first husband….emotionally and mentally from the second. Sometimes, we don’t learn even when we think we have.
I was slapped, pushed down stairs, beat with a tennis racket (in front of a group of people who did NOTHING), punched, had a gun pulled on me, strangled; you get the idea.
I left him finally, gathering courage and with the help of a dear friend who gave me a safe place to stay.
The upside of this is he then went for help, and now, 20+ years later, works with women who are victims of domestic violence, showing them how to defend themselves, what to look out for. He always tells our story, and how he lost the only person he’s ever loved. I can attest he is a new man, and I’m proud of what he has changed into.
My second husband used the scary tactics of emotional and mental abuse. I was at a point where I thought I was worthless, stupid, ugly, and I was.
He, too, is gone. I survived that, too. The one irony in my life is, in anger, I threw an empty ziplock bag at him. Empty. He called the police, who had me removed.
LOL
I left to show my daughters you do not allow anyone to treat you this way, to have strong values, belief in yourself, to never let anyone beat you down.
One listened, one didn’t. All I can do now, is be there when the man she is with belittles her, demeans her, and softly remind her she doesn’t have to stay. Sadly, she hasn’t reached that place yet.
I keep praying, though. One day, one day.
October 8th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Addie says:
PS Both daughters are from my second marriage. There weren’t children from the first.
October 8th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
HeatherPride says:
I passed a woman in Wal-Mart the other day who had a black eye and I desperately wanted to ask her if she was ok. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was so afraid of offending her. Maybe I should have been more afraid of what would happen to her if I didn’t say anything. I prayed silently for her. I just had no idea what to do…
HeatherPride´s last blog post..B-I-N-G-O Is My Name-o
October 8th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Tasses says:
Much to think about….
Your posts are always great, day or night, Maggie.
Tasses´s last blog post..Banning Rednecks From All Media
October 8th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
vodkamom says:
I, too, pray for my daughters and hope that THEY have the sense to recognize danger, and are always, always safe from this horrible possibility.
vodkamom´s last blog post..Notes to Self…
October 8th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Missives From Suburbia says:
I have goose bumps on my arms and tears in my eyes. I’ve never been directly physically abused, but I have witnessed it firsthand, and so has my husband. Our childhoods have guided our adult lives to no small degree.
Please post a link to that article when it’s published, Maggie. I want to read it and link to it.
Missives From Suburbia´s last blog post..Welcome To the Sorority
October 8th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Lesley says:
Thank you for this follow-up, Maggie. I am so looking forward to reading the article and learning the names and stories of these seven amazing, brave women.
I’m seeing my dad this weekend, and I’m going to hug him and tell him I love him and thank him for always being so gentle and loving and kind to both my mom and me.
Also, I’d like to send out my admiration to Elizabeth. I love that you’re taking your career of owning a spa and extending it even one step further by using it as a means of outreach to women in your community who may desperately need it. I think you are an exceptional woman.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Sammanthia says:
What a powerful post… I hope there are women out there that read this, read the stories of others, and maybe they’ll leave the abusive relationship that they’re in. My prayers are with them.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Jett says:
Even as I am startled and infuriated by stories of abuse, it’s hard to identify myself as a victim of it.
‘Willing Participant’ maybe, because I stayed for one blow, one scalding word too many. THAT’s what I’m ashamed of. Not that I –fairly savvy ole me– let not one, but two slide under the radar, but that I hung out for even one minute after the bullshit started. It’s humiliating, when asked what this scar or that one is, to have to explain that I was burned with a cigarette or a stray nail in the wall tore open my flesh as I was being slung into it repeatedly.
Or explaining to people that I feel like I OWN the word ‘cunt’, that I EARNED it, because it accompanied blow after blow. It is a word that horrifies most women. Not me. I bought the rights to not be shocked by it.
“But you are so pretty/intelligent/capable/strong, how does this kind of thing happen to a woman like you?” I’ve heard this question more than once with differing adjectives. It happened because I was resolved to Love In Spite Of and it is my nature to go at most everything I do with everything I have. It is, believe it or not, a VERY middle-class situation.
I once spoke with a woman whose spouse would have her lie down on their bed sans shoes or socks so that he could beat the bottoms of her feet with a metal ruler. This way, you see, ‘it wouldn’t show’. She’d squeeze those same feet, tender and sometimes cut open, into hundredsofdollars heels for cocktail party after cocktail party. The ruler part? It didn’t make me cry. The force-marched socializing with her poor, poor feet? Made me hiccup sobs. The thought of it kept me bodily sick for daaaaays.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Deb@BirdOnAWire says:
I wish that I could speak the story of the abuse I endured at the hands of my now ex husband. (he’s now incarcerated for a very long time in KY) One day I will be able to talk about it. Until then, I will pray for others in like situations, and hope that no one should have to endure the pain, the embarassment, the degredation. Thanks Maggie for the beautiful posts and for bringing this topic to the top of the heap. Your heartfelt writing, and clear understanding are priceless.
Deb@BirdOnAWire´s last blog post..And The Winner Is
October 8th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Maura says:
These are a very powerful set of posts that I hope more people, women especially, will read. I know I plan to go back and read all of the comments and stories more closely when I’m a little more clear-headed.
I realize now that even if I don’t know (or even suspect) that anyone who’s a friend of mine is in an abusive relationship, I need to know more about it and be more aware. I need to be aware so that I can be there to help, to perhaps be that voice saying it’s okay to put yourself first and find a way out, when the time comes. Because the sad fact is that if I don’t know someone now, I probably will at some point.
I didn’t know about October being Domestic Violence Awareness month, and the fact that I didn’t makes me wonder why. I think it’s because this is still one of those topics that people don’t want to acknowledge, or get involved in, because it’s a “private” matter. But it’s only once this unacceptable behavior is dragged out into the light that it can be stopped.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
blissfully caffeinated says:
Maggie, bravo to you for writing about this subject, bravo to the women who contributed to your story, and bravo to the commenters here for sharing.
blissfully caffeinated´s last blog post..Top 10 Signs That It’s Fall In California
October 8th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Zip n Tizzy says:
It’s painful but true. Thank you for giving these women a voice, and thanks to them for sharing their stories which may help at least one woman feel less alone.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Scott says:
It not only pervades the home, but the classroom also. I’ve taught students who have witnessed domestic violence at home. They’ve also been victims – not just emotionally, but physically, also. And little girls who see their mothers being beaten tend to think that is the way women should be treated. Little boys who witness their father beating their mother think it’s ok to hit a woman.
I’d expand the notion of domestic violence to include same-sex relationships also. This is a highly taboo subject, but the statistics are staggering. Whatever the sex of the occupants of the home, or whoever composes the relationship, violence is wrong.
Thanks Maggie, for bringing it to our attention.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
A Free Man says:
Well said, Maggie and an absolutely critical issue that just doesn’t get better over time. Domestic violence often gets swept under the carpet because it’s dark and dirty and we want to consider ourselves more evolved than “that”. But it’s not something that gets better. Your evocative post speaks to that.
A Free Man´s last blog post..Z’s Music, er, Wednesday: Sell the kids for food
October 8th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
the cubicle's backporch says:
There was a guy in my parents neighborhood who stopped me in my car one day to tell me I need to slow down when I was driving. I NEVER sped in the sub division b/c of all the kids around, and he had a holier-than-thou attitude, so I just blew it off.
Ends up, later he got thrown in jail for beating up his wife.
That made me so mad. How dare he accuse me of going 5 miles over the speed limit while he’s beatin’ the shit out of his wife? It’s not okay to speed, but it’s okay to beat your wife? It still makes me angry.
Fucker.
the cubicle’s backporch´s last blog post..Customer service? Not here.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Margaret (Nanny Goats) says:
Maggie, I can express to you enough how proud I am of you to have written this upcoming article. How can I get my hands on this article when it comes out?
Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog post..I Can’t Have Anything Nice
October 8th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
jenboglass (steenkybee) says:
I’m sad to say I know all too much about this issue from my past life. That’s over now. A tiny piece of me is glad I went through that. I know what to look for, I understand how others feel. I know. I know. Please let me know how I can get more information on your article.,:)
jenboglass (steenkybee)´s last blog post..Yeah, We Were THAT Bored.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
paige says:
I work in the legal field so am surrounded with the ramifications of this and it is heartbreaking. What people forget about are the waves of impact this has on other people–not just the abusee, but those around who know and do nothing, those who try to do something and ultimately learn how limited their power is, the children who watch it and do not know that it is not okay…
As a kid growing up, one of the few things my dad did in my life was tell every single boy who came to my house that if he raised a hand to me in anger, he would shoot him in the head. Interesting way to approach it, but whatever. Then when I was a newlywed, in a brand new house, feeling like a grownup, my neighbor came to me bloody from her husband beating her and asked to use the phone. We became close friends, but my Dad told me to back away, that it was too dangerous to get involved.
And he was right, it was dangerous. It was way more dangerous not to get involved though.
I have never been able to reconcile that hypocrisy from him—that I should watch and do nothing? Not open the door to her?
I still do not get it
paige´s last blog post..Speaking of asses
October 8th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
X says:
Domestic violence pisses me off. … We’re all anxiously awaiting the story.
X´s last blog post..Only Readers Should be Allowed to Vote
October 8th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Mr. Chuck says:
You know most people do not know the childhood I had and know that it took my mother years to finally say STOP. Maybe it is why I am a soldier now, maybe it is why I teach Martial Arts, Either way it is people like you who give the silent the courage and the will to say STOP! You have my love and adoration for life now Maggie, and you could never write another word and keep it. Thank you for being the voice for the silent and the sad.
Mr. C
October 8th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Reba says:
I used to work in a battered women’s shelter and I am thankful for your bringing awareness to such a horrible epidemic.
I lost a sweet young boy when I worked there; the law failed him, as too many other women and children. It is misunderstood and to often blamed on the victim “why doesn’t she leave?”
Empathy is needed for what we don’t know or understand, not judgement or ignorance.
Reba´s last blog post..September Wrap-Up
October 8th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Rock and Roll Mama says:
Oh, Maggie, I’m sorry. It hurts, I know. Last October 25th a mother and a teacher at my children’s school was murdered by her estranged husband, who then hung himself after setting their house on fire. He had arranged for their three year old twins to be with his parents.
They’re still at our school, the lovely, lovely girls, and when I see them I remember how much she loved them and how much of her they carry. Will always carry. She’s been weighing heavy on my heart lately. I didn’t know her well, never had any reason to worry about her. I saw her in the carpool line one morning, and the next she was dead, in the most premeditated, chilling way. She did leave him. And he found a way to make sure she didn’t do it again.
This is a site her family set up, that includes a domestic violence message board. Read her story, look at her vibrant face,and know that victims do not choose this. Bless you, Maggie my dear, for giving voice. You’re amazing.
http://www.forthetwins.citymax.com/index.html
October 8th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Tricia says:
Thank you for telling their stories, our stories.
October 9th, 2008 at 6:56 am
arizaphale says:
Phew Maggie. Not much to add to this amazing set of comments except to say; never delete a post. No matter how ‘poor’ you think it is. It expresses exactly how you were feeling at that moment and as such is perfectly valid.
arizaphale´s last blog post..Theme Thursday: Sunshine
October 9th, 2008 at 8:12 am
Heidi says:
How hard it must be, but how important it is for those voices to be heard. For us all to listen everyday and do what we can to help the individuals around us. You are a strong woman for doing what you are doing.
Heidi´s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
October 9th, 2008 at 8:47 am
Dory says:
From 16-20 years old, I was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abused by my boyfriend.
Hunky and I still deal with the repercussions over 15 years later. No matter how good my man is to me now, there will be panic when I hear a certain tone of voice or physical movement, even though he has never, ever raised a hand to me and never will. A Beater will instill some nasty instincts to survey the world for potential danger that no woman was meant to have, deep in her psyche, and more importantly, her heart and spirit. Once embedded, these instincts cannot be assured away.
I have a feeling I will feel this for the rest of my life.
I am proud to be a survivor.
October 9th, 2008 at 9:31 am
jill says:
I hope you will post your article after it’s published. Living for the last 26 years with the most loving man on earth it is so hard for me to hear these stories, but I guess, we all have our different burdens to carry. I only wish there was not so much ugliness in this world
jill´s last blog post..Mean Nation
October 9th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
maggie, dammit says:
Something just hit me.
1. There is a little girl in Emma’s class at school whose dad is dead. He shot his estranged wife’s new partner (who survived), then shot himself.
2. When I was a college student waitressing at Country Kitchen one Saturday morning, a man shot and killed his ex-wife’s new boyfriend in the parking lot.
I have always thought of both of these cases as isolated incidents. As moments of snapping. I guess I never thought about it, but clearly they were not sudden freak-outs – they were the end of abusive relationships. I just never… realized.
October 9th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Judy C says:
This I must post here, buried, because I cannot post it on my own blog. My adult son has always been combative, difficult and mean. His father, my second husband, was a violent and abusive drunk who tried to strangle me when our son was 2. I left him with the clothes on my back and little else. He saw our son a handful of times before he stopped calling him.
I remarried and had another son but a happy family wasn’t in the cards. As I sit here now all I can see are my mistakes and perhaps it was my mistakes that made my older son grow up to be so mean.
I am 55 – I lost my job in January. I have a graduate degree but have never earned a good living. With the specter of months more unemployment my older son suggested that he and his family move into my home.
Against my better judgment I said yes. The first time he flew off the handle at me I tried to placate him. The second and third times I started to keep my distance. The fourth time was on a street corner where I had gotten out of the car to avoid his temper. He screamed epithets and my failings for all the world to hear as he told me I was nothing as I tried to walk back into someplace safe within myself.
Last week my younger son told me he wouldn’t stay with me when his brother was here. I couldn’t blame him – my older son rules with an iron fist. Today after my younger son’s band started practicing, my older son started on me. Why wasn’t he told? Why was my younger son mad at him for forgetting his birthday? Why did I turn his brother against him?
Then he started answering his own questions – saying you are a lying manipulative bitch, you are nothing, you have never earned a living, you ruined my life, you have nothing now, I have the power, you have no money, no friends, no nothing, cross me and I will ruin you.
I told him to get the f*** out of my house – and he went on and on. His girlfriend listened on, joined in with him for a few as her children and my younger son and his friends listened to my humiliation.
I was angry and told him he couldn’t live here anymore – but I am also deeply shamed and devastated. I wonder whether what he said is true? Am I all the things he accuses me of? I am home, they are gone, my younger son told me “he doesn’t give a shit about anyone anymore” and I am sitting here in tears.
October 9th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
elizabeth says:
please don’t go down that road of thought.
~Elizabeth
October 9th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
baroness von bloggenschtern says:
I sit in amazement of you.
I am fully aware that I write a lot of nothin’ about nothin’.
But you? You, with your brilliant writing (you really should put a kleenex icon at the top of these as a warning)can effect a difference. Your last post makes me crumble a little inside along with you.
You’ve already thanked the women in the article for their selfless bravery at coming forward, so I wont’ do it again.
Instead, thank you for what you do. You’re a treasure.
baroness von bloggenschtern´s last blog post..Thoughtful Thursday
October 9th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Tootsie Farklepants says:
0ne in four is an alarming statistic!!!
Tootsie Farklepants´s last blog post..There’s a Little Something Stuck in My Wedge Issue
October 9th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Heather says:
I saw the words “Murder-Suicide” in the local newspaper today, and because I had read your post the other day, I now know what it meant.
Like a sucker-punch and the light bulb going on all at once. Scary. Scared.
Thank you for the awareness.
Heather´s last blog post..I’ve changed my fingerprints by making art*
October 10th, 2008 at 9:13 am
OHmommy says:
Your spirit is even more amazing then your writing.
OHmommy´s last blog post..Shamelessly Burning Calories in High Heels.
October 10th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Kimmie says:
It is slow, creeping, insidious, until you wake up one day and find you are not the person you once were, and you have no idea how you got here.
Thank You Maggie for this post. I was both emotionally and physically abused in my first marriage. It took me many years to walk away. I would leave and then there would be all the promises that it would never happen again. I would forgive and go back home. After 18 years, many broken bones, black eyes and sexual abuse, I took a leap of faith. I packed the kids and myself and left him. It was difficult to say the least, but there was no more pain. One day I woke up and looked in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. The woman I was had disappeared, I was standing there staring at a reflection I did not know. A shell of a woman, stripped of everything that she once was. I knew at that moment that it was finally over. After many years of therapy I have finally found a peaceful place. Its all behind a door now. One I keep tightly locked. Till this day if a man raises his voice I will jump. Anxiety will fill my body and I will literally have to remove myself from the situation. Some things never go away completely. I am thankful to be able to say “I AM A SURVIVOR”. I hope and pray that more women will find the courage to take that leap as I did. No person deserves to be abused. You have done a wonderful job Maggie, keep up the good work! The only way to help beat DV is to educate and I applaud you for all that you are doing to help make that happen.
God Bless,
Kimmie
Kimmie´s last blog post..LEAVING FOR VACATION
October 10th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Debie says:
You help to give a voice to something that can hide in the shadows. We need more voices like yours….
Debie´s last blog post..Focusing, that’s all I can do
October 11th, 2008 at 7:21 am
patois says:
I’d like to believe that it wouldn’t happen to me, but I no longer am sure of that. It can happen to anyone. I’d like to believe I’d have the strength to leave at the first sign of abuse, but, knowing the very strong women who have not left at that first sign, I’m not sure of that either. I am now scrolling through my “contact list” of friends to look for any hidden signs in their lives. Thanks.
patois´s last blog post..Bliss
October 11th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Aunt Deb says:
Great post!
I was a nurse in maternal/child health for several years and became aware of the increase in violence towards women when they were pregnant. The stories I could tell are numerous. Violence is cited as a pregnancy complication more often than diabetes, hypertension or any other serious complication. Pregnant women are more likely to be beaten than women who are not pregnant and the pregnancy itself can also be the result of domestic violence. And unlike other domestic violence, where the head is usually attacked, batterings of pregnant women tend to be directed at breasts, abdomen, or genitals.
Some years back, when I was working at the hospital, I wanted to put a domestic violence pamphlet in the post-partum educational packets that we handed out to moms when they were discharged. The Director of Nursing told me that we could not do that because we might “offend some people.” That still bothers me to this day and I wish I would have fought harder on the subject. We had access to all these women and we could not educate them on domestic violence because of her ignorance.
October 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Okay, Fine, Dammit » Me Talk Pretty About Heather — plus a giveaway! says:
[...] Thank you for respectfully expressing your political persuasions just because I ask. Thank you for bravely confessing your own stories of abuse when I talk about domestic violence. Thank you for being the reason this [...]
October 12th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Mariah says:
As a survivor and an advocate, I would just like to say that domestic violence doesn’t ‘fit’ any specific mold. It can happen to ANYBODY! If there is anone out there in internet land, know that there is HELP! YOU CAN GET HELP! YOu do not need to live with abuse in your life. Seek the help that is available, reach out, there are people that want to help.
Thanks Maggie for spreading the word
October 12th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Mad says:
Hi Maggie,
This is my first time here but I have seen you around a lot lately at blogs I love.
Anyway, this was a very moving post (and comments). I’ve picked it up to be included in next month’s listings of The Just Posts.
Mad´s last blog post..Election day
October 14th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
chanda says:
You know, I volunteered at a shelter while in college. I spent a semester helping patch together the lives of these women and their children, and it effected me more than I can say. I had such rediculous preconcieved notions of what it meant to be a victim of domestic violence. Silly, young, naive notions of how one finds themselves in that situation, and why one would stay in that situation.
That all changed during that semester. When I saw the fear and the uncertainty in these women’s eyes every Friday night (after payday) when the city police had to set up camp and escort people to and from their cars. (Evidently this was when the men would come looking for their pound of flesh). It changed when I spent hours with a little girl who will never be whole because her father burned her hands and arms with hot oil because “she was too pretty for her own good”. It changed when I saw the fight and bravery behind the fear. THese women who were trying to get their lives back.
That semester left me sick inside, but I would not trade it for a moment. Thank you for writing the article, thank you to those amazing women who allowed their story to be told. I wish nothing but peace for them.
chanda´s last blog post..Storm Front
October 15th, 2008 at 6:02 am
Okay, Fine, Dammit » Please help says:
[...] I posted about domestic violence a few weeks ago, the response really impacted me. Many of you commented. Several of you crafted [...]
October 26th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Okay, Fine, Dammit » Violence Unsilenced says:
[...] as I cried at that table over this email, I felt fortified. The seven women in my story put everything on the line, slit their secrets wide open for the world to judge, and they did it [...]
November 9th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Just Posts October! « Flying Tomato Farms says:
[...] with Blog Action Day – Poverty. It’s helping, that’s what counts…. Maggie, dammit with Awareness, What are you contributing with all that hate and Please Help Magpie with Healthy Eating Mary with [...]
November 10th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Okay, Fine, Dammit » Saturday says:
[...] wandering, sniffing, listening, wondering. I sank into the couch and read the email, an update from one of my domestic violence survivors thanking me again, and I felt the hot prickle rush my [...]
December 6th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
The Beginning : Violence UnSilenced says:
[...] an educator. I am not a counselor. I’m just a woman hobbled by an old experience, a journalist inspired by a story, and a blogger — and that’s when it sunk in. I’m a blogger who has been touched [...]
February 16th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Withheld says:
I am a survivor. Thanks to my amazing friend and also my 2nd husband. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t know where I’d be today. I was with an abuser for much, much too long. Physical, emotional, sexual…you name it. I was scared, but I tried to leave several times. With children, it was hard to do. Without a place to go (long-term), it was hard to do. My family knew. A couple of my “friends” knew. They didn’t like it. But did they really want to help? No. I’d say that if my Grandma had been alive, yes…SHE would’ve made sure I had somewhere to stay while trying to get back on my feet. Well, I had finally decided that I had to get out of the marriage once and for all. I just knew that something really bad would happen if I didn’t. I’d been waiting for so long to be free of this relationship. One night, I had the chance. A guy I knew (now my 2nd husband, a wonderful man!), agreed to give me a ride after work to my friend’s house, where she was watching my kids. I refused to come home (the home that was in my Mom’s name! For me and the kids.). I refused to tell him where I was. Fortunately, he’d never been to my friend’s house, as she lived out of town. My friend…she’s an angel on Earth. The next night, we stayed at a motel. Then we (2nd hubby and me and the kids) went to visit another friend who knew the situation, and another mutual friend offered to let us stay with him and his kids, in another town. My estranged husband was found by the police attempting to hang himself in my house, he was taken to a hospital to be evaluated. Once he was released, he actually did move out. After about a month, the kids and I were able to move home. I was still afraid for the longest time.
I will always be grateful to my 2nd husband and to my beloved friend for enabling my kids and I to get away from the terror of an abusive relationship.
I just want to add one thing…if you are the friend or family member of a victim of domestic violence…if you aren’t willing to commit to helping them 110%…what’s the point?!? If one of my family members had just been willing to actually give me the time to get on my feet…my kids and I could have been out of the violence much, much sooner. We’re SO FORTUNATE to be alive today. Just think about that.
Thank you for what you’re doing with your new website.
February 16th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
dejah says:
To Judy C, who may or may not come back to read this:
Hon, when he says “you,” your son really means “I.”
When he says “you’re worthless,” what he’s really screaming is how worthless he feels.
Get him out of your house and out of your life. You deserve better.
dej
February 17th, 2009 at 6:37 pm