The hidden quiet post about nothing and everything.
Tonight I am feeling small, and sad.
Which is ridiculous, because I had an amazing night. A night filled with stories that I will most definitely tell you all…. tomorrow.
Back when I first started this blog, back when my only readers were a handful of friends and family, I would spout off posts that were only a sentence or two long, maybe a link here, a picture there. Back before I felt a certain pressure to write something worth reading, I would say something just because I wanted to say it. These things weren’t worth your time, but they meant something to me.
Tonight, in both a nod to those days and a nod to more recent days spent sifting through the very personal stories of shattered women, I’m putting up a post that will mean nothing to you, but everything to me.
Tonight, without pretense nor editorial flair, I just want to say, Viviana? I know what murder-suicide means. If I could rewrite every dampened-down “murder-suicide” headline, I would. I would tell everyone that “Murder-Suicide” really means “Domestic Violence Victim Meets Her Inevitable End.” I would tell everyone that women in abusive relationships are six times more likely to be killed during or after they have left. I would tell everyone that one in four women are abused in their lifetime, and nearly all of them are misunderstood. I would shake everyone and say, Look around you! Do something!
And I would say your name. Viviana Viviana Viviana.
You did not die in vain.
Lesley says:
Wow.
You may feel small sometimes…I suppose we all do. But through your writing – with your words – you are expansive and connecting and vast.
Every time I read one of your posts, I think you’re touched with a bit of magic. And then I’m thankful, because by extension? So are we.
Wow. (I thought this was worth repeating.)
Lesley´s last blog post..I’m Blogging About Blogging Again…In The Hopes I Can Distract You From The Fact I’m Not Actually Doing Any REAL Blogging
October 7th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Chris/Formerly Fun says:
A few years back I read a magazine article on domestic violence that stayed with me. It had page after page of small pictures of one year’s worth of women who died at the hands of their partners and bits of their stories. It was so sad and seemingly so preventable.
I hosted a day for a nearby women’s shelter with a local hair salon a few years ago and I was giving one of the women a facial. While I had masque on her, I went to rub her neck and decollete like I always do and when I rubbed my hands around her neck she got all tense, and I thought, oh god, I should have been more sensitive. I didn’t even think about it, I felt like an ass. I apologized and she told me her boyfriend had tried to choke her to death.
She talked and I just listened and she relaxed but oh man, I silently thanked fate that I had never been in that position.
Chris/Formerly Fun´s last blog post..I Can See Clearly Now
October 7th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Nicole says:
Domestic violence is so underreported and misunderstood. And it happens to the unlikeliest of people. If you’ve not been a victim or witnessed it first-hand, you don’t see it in quite the same way.
Maggie, you do a good service by putting it out there where it belongs — in the open — and by not allowing the victims who pay the ultimate price to not be forgotten.
Nicole´s last blog post..The Math of Mat-Thematics
October 7th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Mr Lady says:
I’m totally with Leslie…wow.
Mr Lady´s last blog post..It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses Their Edge
October 7th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
anymommy says:
I know that will mean something to many, many more people than just you. One in four is a huge number, it includes a lot of readers here, friends, friends of friends. Hugs to you, Maggie, I know this research is impacted you deeply.
anymommy´s last blog post..Driving in D.C., Take Two
October 7th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Jennifer H says:
“Look around you! Do something!” If you can get people to do that, it’s everything. It’s the one thing that any of us can do.
It can’t be said enough: We’re responsible for each other. Not just the agencies. Not just the services or the shelters. We’re the eyes, and the ear to the ground.
Bless Viviana.
Jennifer H´s last blog post..Faded
October 8th, 2008 at 1:06 am
tricia says:
As always, your words are so powerful … and as always, I cried. This story hit very close to home for me.
tricia´s last blog post..Looks like we’re in a pack of trouble Pete
October 8th, 2008 at 1:15 am
flutter says:
You may feel small, but your words are huge.
flutter´s last blog post..He has managed to survive another year
October 8th, 2008 at 1:49 am
vodkamom says:
wow. We had one in our small town several years ago. It’s a shocking, horrible, tragic, all to common event. It. makes. me. sick.
you are something else.
vodkamom´s last blog post..Notes to Self…
October 8th, 2008 at 3:29 am
JES says:
Ai, sweet Jesus — and her name was Viviana, of all things, as in “revive“…. Every time you repeat her name, it does breathe on her (breath of life), and you knew that instinctively didn’t you?
What a gift you have. Somebody needs to turn this post over to, I don’t know — Shawn Colvin, Melissa Etheridge, Joni Mitchell… It would be a heartbreaking song and I’d want to hear it no more than once (although I’d know better, and ain’t adulthood a b!tch?).
This is the place to come
JES´s last blog post..Ideas Whose Time You Never Saw Coming
October 8th, 2008 at 3:49 am
Musing says:
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
I wish I could reach out to young women everywhere and help them to avoid these bad relationships in the first place.
They deserve so much better.
Musing´s last blog post..I cannot find the words to say my last goodbye
October 8th, 2008 at 4:11 am
Angel says:
My mother was a victim of domestic abuse during her first marriage. She doesn’t talk about it. She never got the therapy she so desperately needed after making it out alive with two small children.
Maybe, just maybe if the voices were a little louder, someday there may be fewer. Like so many in her position, she has never found her voice so I believe people like you who give them a voice means more than you may realize. Thank you.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Elizabeth says:
How many people are aware that October is Domestic Violence Awareness month?
Most people associate this time of year with pink ribbons and fundraising initiatives to support breast cancer research. While a noble cause, and certainly a disease that threatens our society, it’s much “safer” to support this cause. But does it really need as much help as educating our culture of the effects of Domestic Violence? I, personally, have chosen the road less traveled.
I live and work in an affluent area in New England. Recently, a wealthy man was angered by the break up of a relationship with his mistress. Posing as her, he posted detailed information identifying her car, where she worked, her home address, her commuting routine, and more to a porn web site stating her “fantasy” was to be raped by a stranger. Luckily, the person who offered to fulfill that fantasy thought to confirm it was a genuine request, and this led to the man’s arrest. Imagine being that woman for a moment, constantly looking over her shoulder, waiting to be attacked…
The point is, most people associate domestic violence with the drunk red neck in the “wife beater” t-shirt in the low-income area of town “across the tracks”. But it’s pervasive across all regions of the country and all economic backgrounds. It’s a deep, dark secret that NO ONE wants to acknowledge. And you definitely know someone who is a victim of abuse, because it’s not limited to physical beatings. It’s manipulative threats of any kind: physical, sexual, financial, and emotional.
Pay close attention to the relationships you see: Does a person (Who is supposed to love you/them) keep track of you/their time or comings and goings? Try to isolate you/them from family or friends? Grab, slap or kick you, or pull your hair? Threaten to hurt you or your children? Force you to have sex against your will?
These are all signs. And if you identify the behavior amongst your friends, it’s vitally important not to judge them (i.e. “Why don’t you just leave?” In most cases it’s extremely dangerous to “just leave”.) Stop. Listen. Allow them to ask you for help when they feel comfortable. Be supportive and encourage them to talk about it freely. Above all, do NOT report the abuser, unless s/he’s in immediate danger. (Yes, men are abused as well). Doing so could ramp up the abusive behavior and your friend’s life could become seriously at risk. Contact a Domestic Violence Abuse Hotline to seek guidance from a trained professional about how to help in the most productive and SAFE way.
Thanks for posting this, Maggie. I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now and you have a powerful voice. And thanks for raising awareness of this horrible social disease.
October 8th, 2008 at 6:13 am
Carolyn Online says:
Look around you! Do something! -Words to live by.
Carolyn Online´s last blog post..Shotgun wedding divorce.
October 8th, 2008 at 6:31 am
Susan says:
Thank you, Maggie, for doing something.
Susan´s last blog post..One of those days
October 8th, 2008 at 6:40 am
But Why Mommy / Renee says:
You write so beautifully and so hauntingly. This is a terrible problem, I hope that by telling this story more people will be encouraged to do something to help.
But Why Mommy / Renee´s last blog post..Dolls Are No Fun
October 8th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Pamela says:
Last spring a man in my community murdered his wife. They were separated, and he had a restraining order against him. He snuck into the house while she was at work, and was waiting for her to get home from picking their pre-teen daughters up from school. He was going to kill them all. But for the grace of God covering those babies, their mom came home alone. He called 911, said “murder-suicide”, hung up and killed himself. It still makes me cry today. I can’t imagine.
Bravo for saying something.
Pamela´s last blog post..wordless wednesday: better now, thanks
October 8th, 2008 at 6:53 am
Jennifer says:
One in four? That’s staggering. Very, very sad.
Jennifer´s last blog post..And Now A Story About My Mom
October 8th, 2008 at 6:54 am
Miss Britt says:
This post does NOT mean nothing – nor does that story.
This post means EVERYTHING to women like me, who grew up as the daughter of a would be Viviana.
We are sad, Maggie. But together, we are not small. Thank you for this.
Miss Britt´s last blog post..Declare Yourself
October 8th, 2008 at 7:14 am
Emmy says:
This is something I work with a lot at my school and in my life, and therefor something close to my heart. This sadness hits every once and a while, even though I try to stay chipper. Thanks forthe lovely post, which I assure you, did mean something to me.
October 8th, 2008 at 7:22 am
Toasty says:
You don’t need to feel any pressure. Everything you write is wonderful. It makes your readers FEEL something, and that is why we keep coming back.
Toasty´s last blog post..Random Acts of Cheapness
October 8th, 2008 at 7:50 am
O'Neal says:
I won’t say anything except THANK YOU for always writing EXACTLY what I want to write but can not for one reason or another.
O’Neal´s last blog post..Playing Telephone – *Edited*
October 8th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Kate says:
These are the stories that I don’t want to hear but know that my own good fortune requires it. At the very least I owe these people my attention. How much of a sacrifice is that? Ten minutes of my time and maybe some late night pondering? Which side would I rather be on? The person listening to the story or the person living the story? I should be grateful to just listen.
Like most, I can claim that I’ve had my own burden to bear in life. My own abuse issues. My own personal demons. But does that make me exempt from empathy? I would say no. Stopping to listen isn’t a selfless act. It’s my superstitous sacrifice to fate. If I take a minute to listen and then feel grateful for my own good fortune, then maybe I’ll be granted one more day of my newly charmed life. And at the end of the day, it’s the least I can do.
Kate´s last blog post..Style Stalled in 1996: Part I
October 8th, 2008 at 8:16 am
sizzle says:
THIS is a very important post. I worked for years with Domestic Violence survivors and as an educator on anti-violence against women and so often would get asked “Why don’t these women just leave?” As if it is that easy. There is nothing easy about leaving.
I hope that Viviana’s story give someone the strength to get help so her death is not in vain.
October 8th, 2008 at 8:34 am
pgoodness says:
This gave me chills. You have done a good thing, for all of the Vivianas out there in this sometimes cruel world.
pgoodness´s last blog post..Fondue & Orchard lovin
October 8th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Okay, Fine, Dammit » Awareness says:
[...] WordPress.org ← The hidden quiet post about nothing and everything. [...]
October 8th, 2008 at 8:54 am
PsychMamma says:
I was a victim of domestic violence in my first marriage. I need to write a whole post about it, but I’m not sure I’m ready. What I wanted to say here was that it was so surprising to me how many friends and family said that they knew or suspected BEFORE I left or told anyone. None of them said anything to me. It was the elephant in the room. My “Aha” moment that led to finally leaving was ONE friend who had the courage to say, “You don’t have to live like this. There is something better.”
If you’re tiptoeing around the elephant in the room with a friend or family member, gather you’re courage and be the ONE friend who says something. ONE person can make all the difference in the world.
Thanks for talking about this Maggie.
PsychMamma´s last blog post..These Are The Times That Try Moms’ Souls…
October 8th, 2008 at 9:08 am
insanemama says:
As A survivor of domestic abuse, I thank you. I have yet to find the words to tell my story without me sounding like a complete victim. Someday, hopefully soon I will find the right words.
insanemama´s last blog post..Squatters And Bird Poop
October 8th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Mrs. Kitty says:
This is exactly why I worked at getting my black belt. Not that I think I now have super powers, but it makes me believe that I can fight…. that I won’t be a victim (at least not without a protest).
My heart goes out to every single woman or man who has lost their lives due to their partners lack of self control and anger management issues. I did something that I will never forget, because I was afraid of my boyfriend’s (at the time) lack of self control. His family warned me of his temper. I should have listened.
Thank you for this post.
Mrs. Kitty´s last blog post..Let me introduce you
October 8th, 2008 at 10:30 am
the cubicle's backporch says:
You’re right. Murder-Suicide doesn’t do it justice. It was an asshole who killed his wife.
There was another story like this about a guy in California who killed his whole family b/c he had lost his job or something. So kill yourself. Don’t take away your family’s right to live.
the cubicle’s backporch´s last blog post..Customer service? Not here.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Meg says:
WOW.
W-o-w……
Meg´s last blog post..Inside every woman is a little bit o’ stripper
October 8th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
kat says:
So sad, Maggie. This happens often in the city where I live…it’s a big city. It makes my heart hurt.
Viviana. That’s the name of one of my son’s preschool teachers.
kat´s last blog post..MIA
October 8th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Domestic Violence Awareness Month - From a whisper to a scream | Internet Bard says:
[...] headline and discovered Maggie’s awesome blog, OkayFineDammit. Just in time to read “The hidden quiet post about nothing and everything”. [...]
October 9th, 2008 at 1:06 am
Kelley says:
I understand the pressure you are feeling babe. And that is all I have to say about that.
I read the story. And between the lines. Viviana would be so proud.
Kelley´s last blog post..Dirty little secret.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:33 am
jill says:
everything you write is meaningful!
jill´s last blog post..Mean Nation
October 9th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Gypsy says:
Thank you for posting this. It is a part of life too often swept under the carpet, and for far too long.
And I can’t help noting — in this political climate — that one of the (many) reasons I’m voting for the Obama/Biden ticket, is Joe Biden’s efforts to make gender-motivated crimes hate crimes. http://www.tnr.com/toc/story.html?id=685a4524-9702-49c0-b062-7d9ecd21a854
Ok, off the stump now.
Gypsy´s last blog post..Discoteca
October 10th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Mimi Lenox says:
Such an ugly subject. But you scream it beautifully loud. We hear. Keep up that “quiet posting”…we are listening. Maybe someone who needs to hear will stumble upon your blog and do something to stop the cycle in their own lives…or maybe someone they love.
Great blog post.
Mimi Lenox´s last blog post..Blue Whales and Bubbles
October 10th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Anissa@Hope4Peyton says:
Oh Maggie. Many prayers that Viviana’s story will give strength to someone out there who needs to know it’s ok to break free.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton´s last blog post..Mission accomplished!
October 11th, 2008 at 8:13 pm