colors
I’m sitting here in the black, and I don’t understand it, because just this morning I could see colors.
Six months ago I quit my meds and up until this moment, I’d been doing so very well. I look outside and I don’t see an artificial neon technicolor prism, but I don’t see sludge and brambles, either. I just see colors as they’re meant to be seen — greens, browns, blues — plain and simple crayons, straight out of the box. I think this is what they call fine. What they call normal.
So how is it that somebody suddenly stuffed me in a cannon and shot me out, landed me here, a thick, black plume in my wake? Why can I only smell sulfur?
It started with a website I accidentally saw, an instant shiv to the kidney, and I was sobbing at my computer before I even knew I was bleeding. Minutes later everything took on this hue, this hazy, pewter hue, and I was a goner.
A good friend once told me I am such a sponge. And she’s right, I know it, I am. I’m a sponge for every person I meet, every book I read, every song I hear, every site I see, every mood I sense. I soak it all in, sop it all up, until the once distinguishable colors bleed into a purple puddle, dripping steadily from my feet.
And I’m sitting here and I’m thinking maybe I’m OK with the trade off. Sure, maybe I feel things a little too deeply, but at least I give, at least I mold, flex, bend, at least I don’t become brittle. At least I don’t break.
And I hear them outside now, the cavalry, coming in, and Gretta’s explaining that Zeus is the god of the sky and Pluto is the god of the underworld and Emma is repeating everything she says and they trip through the door all backpacks and light, and Dave glances sidelong at me, asks, “and who is Aphrodite?” his voice a wink… and it’s almost instantaneous, the way the light shifts, the way the air turns pink, and I know everything will be alright if I can just focus on these people, like the horizon when I’m seasick. Focus on their Crayola colors, on Emma’s Goldenrod curls, Gretta’s Burnt Sienna freckles; focus on their auras of fairydust and newness and everything vibrant, everything utterly true.
And I’m so sick of beating myself up for not always being able to do it alone, right myself. That sometimes I need those three people more than air, that sometimes I need these 26 letters more than water, that sometimes I need to hold perfectly still until I can almost believe the world has stopped itself, gently, kindly, in empathy, waiting for me to catch up. I only wish I knew how to be so gentle with myself. To see myself as they do, through their eyes, bright yellow, aglow.
I know that tomorrow’s a new day — my birthday, in fact — and this is what I’m gonna do.
I’m gonna find as many different colored candles as I can, and I’m gonna light them all.
quin browne says:
having lain at the bottom of the well, when you’ve been down so long, everything looks like up… and then soaring to where all the colours are so bright, i have to shield my eyes… i understand what you want, what you are seeking.
that sense (for me at least) of 8 fat bodied basic crayons, that let me mix and blend for myself…
without meds, i can’t do that. so, i take them, work with the colours as best i can
and write in the dark of night.
(((HUGS))
quin browne’s last blog post..Sunday Scribblings-II
September 9th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
ms picket to you says:
beautiful.
tomorrow i’m gonna get a cupcake, stick in the brightest candle I can find, blow it out, make and wish. eat it. slowly.
ms picket to you’s last blog post..Speaking of restaurants…
September 9th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Neil says:
As tough it can be, I’m sure being that “sponge” makes you a very special person to know.
Happy birthday tomorrow.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
SeeMeDiet says:
… and here I thought I was the only one. It’s nice to hear another voice in the darkness. Hope your birthday is a bit brighter.
With smiles,
~Nikki
September 9th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Kiki says:
You may be a sponge but your writing is more like it’s own beacon. It’s clear and talented with flashes so bright sometimes I flinch. But I can’t look away.
I hope you have a beautiful birthday.
Kiki’s last blog post..The Secret to Toned Arms
September 9th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
kateanon says:
From one sponge to another – it’s okay to need…
Happy Birthday
kateanon’s last blog post..The Craigslist Diaries
September 9th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Captain Dumbass says:
Have a happy rainbow birthday tomorrow.
Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Bet This Guy Doesn’t Get Man-Cold
September 9th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
rachel says:
Maggie,
It’s really not often that someone leaves me truly speechless.
You’ve accomplished that. This is beautifully written, articulate, visual… hell, I can feel every word, emotion, color and lack thereof.
Absolutely amazing. I’ll be wishing big fat brightly colored sparkling vibrant candles for you on your birthday.
You, just wow.
rachel’s last blog post..Snickering Doodles for Mouthwatering Monday
September 9th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Lesley says:
What a lovely and honest post.
I am an incredibly emotional creature too. The man in my life calls me his little empath because I feel mine and everybody else’s. It’s hard because this often means that feelings can be ovvvvvverwhelming. And even if I wanted to, I can never turn them off or ignore them…it’s not in my wiring. But the trade off (I think) is the ability to ALSO feel the joy and the wonder and the magic of life more deeply than most people, too. I wouldn’t barter away any of that sadness if it meant I had to lose my deep connection with life. So I feel. A lot. Both good and bad. I lean when I have to, take strength from others when I can’t find my own. (Their colors…I love that.) And I am thankful.
Happy Birthday to you, one day early! No matter how many colored candles you set ablaze, YOU will still be the most colorful, brilliant light in the room!
September 9th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Judy C says:
I am weeping after reading this because it is the best description of depression I have ever read. Beyond that it is captures perfectly what love and kindness can do to heal.
Judy C’s last blog post..Alaska’s media is telling the truth even if the RNC is not
September 9th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Amy says:
*Stuffs thoudands of brightly colored candles through the computer* We sponges need color and to be reminded that we are not the only sponge out there… Happy __ Birthday tommorrow.
September 9th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Marinka says:
This is incredible. I hope that you are the girl with the most cake tomorrow! Happy pre-birthday!
Marinka’s last blog post..Twitter, if you please
September 9th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Mo says:
Maggie,
Your post is beautiful and honest. I’ve never been able to really articulate m depression the feeling of falling into a well afraid no one can hear me, fearful of drowning in the darkness. I appreciate you putting this out there.
Have a wonderful birthday tomorrow.
Mo’s last blog post..Deck the Halls
September 9th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Mo says:
Ugh. New keyboard. Sorry about the typos.
Mo’s last blog post..Deck the Halls
September 9th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Jen @ blissfully caffeinated says:
Oh Maggie – Wishing you lots of beautiful candles (that have nothing to do with your age) and delicious cake. Have a wonderful birthday!
Jen @ blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Our Baby Monitor Is Trying To “Cross Over”
September 9th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
noble pig says:
Sending a rainbow your way with many candles and pots of golden sunshine!
noble pig’s last blog post..What’s Wrong With…
September 9th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Anissa@Hope4Peyton says:
I hope your birthday fills you with nothing but light and color and brilliance.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..I can almost hear the Metropolitan Museum of Art calling
September 9th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
anymommy says:
An astonishing piece of writing, Maggie. Happy Birthday to you. I hope you’ll keep turning to those 26 letters to get you through and that you’ll keep sharing it here!
September 9th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Elizabeth says:
This. was. amazing.
Sometimes you find yourself so clearly in someone else’s words when you haven’t been able to find the words yourself and those moments feel like the most enormous of miracles.
So thank you for that, even if you have to be going through this for it to happen.
happy birthday to you.
I hope, well, it sounds like not enough. But I hope things get better soon.
Elizabeth’s last blog post..Happy Four Year Blog Anniversary to Me, Now With Prizes. Well, A Prize.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
ilinap says:
Happy Birthday to you! Celebrate your entry to this planet and spoil yourself. I will toast to you.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Pamela says:
I know the whole seeing-in-color-whoops-seeing-in-black thing so well. Sometimes I think you’re writing about me because I get it so strongly. (Awkward sentence there, work with me.)
I send you a box of 96 Crayolas, complete with sharpener, for a birthday present. Just to look at and enjoy. Have a colorful and happy day tomorrow.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Mom says:
It comes, but it goes. And if it doesn’t go without the meds, then find the meds again. You would tell “Biff” to take them without a second thought, why is it so hard for you to accept the same kind of chemical imbalance? (Not that I am one to talk, but I have been lucky for awhile now. I only paint in vibrant colors.) But if your own personal crayon box can lift you up, then open it and color away, even if you have to force yourself. Unclench those fingers and open that box. Love you so much. Mom
September 9th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Maggie Moss says:
oh i love that description “a sponge”! That is so me. I take everything in and process process process. If a movie is sad I’m down in the dumps. If I read about something horrific, I’m a mess for days. I understand.
Breathe in their aura. That is what family is for. To be the air for each other.
Maggie Moss’s last blog post..Spectacular Planet
September 9th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
TWG says:
Happy Birthday!
Technicolored movies are for wimps. Reality TV is full of shadows, static and slanted frames of emotion. Our greatest gift to each other is self documentation.
Thank you for sharing your story.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
swirl girl says:
happy birthday…
I certainly hope it’s tangerine organge and perriwinkle blue!
September 9th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Jim says:
There’s nothing wrong with needing and those that love you will always stop and wait patiently with a smile for you to catch up.
Have a most wonderful birthday tomorrow. Health, happiness, and candles of every hue are my wishes for you.
Jim’s last blog post..The Curse of the Crapmobile
September 9th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Tina says:
A very Happy Birthday, Maggie!!! Beautiful post, as always…
Tina’s last blog post..Drunk blogging from a pig roast in a hurricane…
September 9th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
susannah aka petunia face says:
Funny how a post about such dark feelings can be so beautiful. Hugs to you for brighter colors and for a happy happy birthday.
susannah aka petunia face’s last blog post..The Before of Nothing
September 9th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
kris says:
I try to remember that these moments are evidence of how far we have come. I try to remember that the lows enable us to experience the highs with even more appreciation and fervor. This always takes effort.
Amazing that even in the grey you can express yourself beyond most, beyond the unaware who live in the brilliance of color each and every day.
Lovely. Happy birthday.
kris’s last blog post..Come aboard, we’re expecting you
September 9th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
DFTF says:
I’ve felt this, but never have I been able to describe it so deliciously. Wonderful post!
DFTF’s last blog post..New Blog New Names
September 9th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
jenboglass (steenkybee) says:
This was beautiful and touched me so. What your wrote fits my world perfectly right now. Your words may have a different meaning for you than they do for me, but I really needed to hear them now. It has amazed me that I am dependent on three other people, two of them, no taller than three and a half feet. If I concentrate on their days, their experiences when I feel less than, at the end of it all, it’s been a good day. Happy birthday!
jenboglass (steenkybee)’s last blog post..Because Sometimes You Just Need A Warning
September 9th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Mrs Parks says:
I have always said there is no problem to big, that cake can’t fix.
Tomorrow is your Birthday, you can have your cake and eat it too, with the people you love and who fill your life with color.
I wish you a very bright and joy filled day.
~BIGBIRTHDAYHUG~
Mrs Parks’s last blog post..Vegas 2001
September 9th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Mel says:
For a long time I felt that the only color I could be was brown. Brown blended in with everything; it didn’t stand out; it didn’t jar the universe. Over the past two years I’ve changed. I don’t want to be brown anymore. I want to be a color; many colors. I want to stand out. I don’t want to hide behind my brown. It’s taken me awhile to get here, and I still backslide at times. I hope you can find your colors too. Happy birthday.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Natalie says:
You need a 96 color box of Crayola Crayons, just like I got my son for his birthday, missy. And then you need to sit down and color with every single one of them. OK, not sure how that will make you feel better, but it will be fun and getting down and doing something a child does might make you feel like one again.
Happy soon to be birthday to my very favorite blogger (and I mean that, and people will see this and not be hurt because they will agree with me.)
I think there are many of us who take the world in a little too much and I think they also call us bleeding hearts. Meh, whatever. It means we CARE. And the fact that we can take it all in and not break, like you said, speaks volumes on our characters. Chin up, birthday girl.
Natalie’s last blog post..Into Life
September 9th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
vodkamom says:
I’ve got TONS of candles, and a nice bottle of vodka. Come on over, we’ll celebrate together.
vodkamom’s last blog post..Tuesday’s Funny Story
September 9th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Melissa says:
I honestly love reading your blog. It is becoming my daily perk me up blog that I frequent each day, while enjoying a cuppa. I can say, it’s a bliss!
Melissa’s last blog post..
September 9th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Renée aka Mekhismom says:
I like your idea of multicolored candles for your birthday. Also be sure to have happy people around as a sponge I am sure you will soak all of their positivity up!
Renée aka Mekhismom’s last blog post..Blog Around The World!
September 9th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
For Myself says:
Been there. It’s a bear. Now I’m not there, so I know this will pass for you. This really will pass for you.
For Myself’s last blog post..Swap Shed
September 9th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Mojo says:
Wow… Your imagery is astonishing.
In another “ironic coincidence, I was reading this to the tune of Evanescence’s My Immortal, which is about as dark as a song gets.
But even without the soundtrack, I could feel the aching, ragged despair, the confusion, the emotional vertigo… it resonated. Been there, done that, came back and still have those moments just like you described so eloquently.
What I learned from it all is that it’s okay to feel what you feel. It’s okay to hurt when you’re hurting, okay to laugh at my jokes, okay to cry when you’re sad, and definitely okay to reach out when you’re lonely.
I dialed back — and finally off — meds after 8 years of living in a partial fog. And it takes some getting used to. The “net” is gone, and sometimes the tightrope seems pretty high. Sometimes I think I feel things more deeply than other people. Other times I think I can’t feel at all. But what I keep in front of me is that it’s a zero-sum game… that all things in the universe tend toward equilibrium (even my typing skills). And eventually, soon or later, I’m gonna pass back through the 0,0 point of the Graph O’ Fine.
So… my calendar is now updated. And I’ll be back tomorrow to wish you the best damn birthday you ever had.
You got a bunch of people in your corner Maggie. And you can count me among ‘em. Even though I know you’re not gonna run away to Iceland with me. (On my motorcycle. In full racing leathers. Oh wait… that wasn’t you… Sorry.)
Mojo’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday / Thematic Photographic 14: "Faded" (v.4.0) – Ghosts of Fort Macon
September 9th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Nutmeg says:
Sponges are beautiful people. Without them, crayola wouldn’t exist.
Have the happiest of birthdays.
Nutmeg’s last blog post..Useless
September 9th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
blackbird says:
Fine is a wonderful thing.
I’m happy for you.
blackbird’s last blog post..another food meme
September 9th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
krista says:
just remember, sponges can always be washed under warm soapy water until all the stuff they’ve sopped up is gone and they smell all fresh and the water runs clear, reflecting every color that exists.
happy birthday, maggie.
might i suggest a listen to the following songs:
ray lamontagne: empty
bon iver: skinny love
those two always tend to my ravaged ribcage when it is dark and murky.
and i heart your mom…she reminds me of mine in her comments
krista’s last blog post..are tag body spray and axe body spray the same?
September 9th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
X says:
Happy birthday, Virgo!
X’s last blog post..Your Baby is Ugly
September 9th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Jennifer says:
I think it’s better to be a sponge than something cold and impenetrable. Enjoy your birthday and your beautiful family.
~~Here’s a Carnation Pink candle–that’s my fave color in the box.
P.S. I really look forward to your posts!!
Jennifer’s last blog post..The Neurotic Post
September 9th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Dad says:
Maggie,
Have a wonderful birthday. You are an amazing woman. Love, Dad
September 9th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
bejewell says:
All of those colors represent the range of human emotion. That spectrum includes the ups AND the downs. If you didn’t feel it, you wouldn’t be you. And I think it’s pretty clear that there are a lot of people very happy to have you just the way you are.
The very, very happiest of birthdays to you tomorrow.
bejewell’s last blog post..Know What I Hate?
September 9th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Jules says:
Gray is a color, too. And that’s ok every now and then because if we didn’t reflect colors, the ocean wouldn’t be such a lovely blue.
Happy Birthday, friend.
Jules’s last blog post..Butterflies in my Tummy
September 9th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Preston says:
I found you through Nanny Goats and I am really enjoy reading your blog.
Preston’s last blog post..Lost America – Amazing Images of a Not Too Long Ago Time
September 9th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
MoxieMamaKC says:
Stop beating yourself up over not being able to “do everything”! (I know..easier said than done….) There’s a quote from Oscar Romero that I take to heart: “We cannot do everything, and there’s a sense of liberation in that. It allows us to do *something* and to do it very well…*” Take to heart, and stop being so hard on yourself.
Channel your Aphrodite and all will be well.. *)
MoxieMamaKC’s last blog post..I’m mostly in the gray (green) area….
September 9th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Hilary says:
I could have written this myself but then it wouldn’t be as beautiful and well written.
What we have to remember is that it’s okay to say, YES, I’m having a black day. Try to reset tomorrow, and then the next day, but allow yourself a day. Cry a lot, go to bed early, wake up and take a deep cleansing breath…
And know that your readers were all deeply touched by your words.
You are amazing.
Happy birthday.
Hilary’s last blog post..Nervous
September 9th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Pare says:
1. Yep. Telling me at the store? Good call.
2. You didn’t send it to me. I was serious. I want to know.
3. “Sometimes I need to hold perfectly still until I can almost believe the world has stopped itself.” You’re…well you know what you are to me, so I always think you’re amazing, but when I read that sentence I actually sucked in my breath and thought to myself, *that is something I would read in a book, flip down the corner of the page, and come back to again and again on my bad ugly days.* That’s my highest compliment: it’s good enough to be in a book.
Pare’s last blog post..Just one of the many reasons I heart twitter
September 9th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Kate says:
As usual – I’m like the 110th person to comment. I SWEAR this just popped up in my reader…
Anyway – I actually read most of the comments and I don’t have anything all that original to say.
But I know depression and I also know how the fog will part for just the right beacon – and that it’s usually family (and if you have children – it’s almost always them). I’m so glad that you have these people to bring you back. And I wish you a wonderful birthday tomorrow.
Kate’s last blog post..This is What Crazy Looks Like
September 9th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Sissy says:
aw, honey, I hate to read that you’re in that place. it sucks like no other. I do hope you wake up tomorrow with the words of all of us who love to read what you write and have a colorful, bright, happy birthday. and when you feel blue, think about the bat, that puts a smile on my face every single time I think about it.
Sissy’s last blog post..The Other Side of Matt
September 9th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Heather says:
Oh Sweetie, I know exactly what you mean. I was at a Renewable Energy Fair and in just that kind of mood. My hubby was doing business and I had the kids, my little girl picked out “the bestest pin ever:” A Rainbow pin. I was every kind of proud and delighted with her choice, her innocence, and proof that children can make things better for everyone.
Happy Birthday
Heather’s last blog post..I have Strep Throat
September 9th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
SAM says:
The next time you need to see the light, look at your fingertips as they type away. They are golden. Pixie-dusted. Miraculous. Tender is the creative soul. It’s not always worth developing a hard crust around it.
You share your birthday with a wonderful woman dear to me, so, even though I don’t *know* you, I feel as though I might. And she is mighty. And you are mighty, Maggie, dammit!
Here’s to too much cake and licking the frosting from the candles. Glitter and all.
xo
SAM’s last blog post..Nice Genes
September 9th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
magpie says:
I hope you find all the colors in the world, and have a fabulous birthday.
magpie’s last blog post..Actual Things That People Have Said To Me Today
September 9th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
GirlGriot says:
Hey, Virgo sister — my birthday’s Thursday!
This really struck a chord for me, made me think of my sister, who has battled depression her entire adult life. I battle my own, but it pales in comparison, like running a 99.6-degree fever as opposed to the 104-degree one she can’t shake.
Sending you warm birthday wishes full of red-orange-gold fireworks, champagne, expensive chocolate and hugs.
GirlGriot’s last blog post..Remembering I Was Here First
September 9th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
we_be_toys says:
Happy Birthday Dearest Aphrodite! It isn’t wrong or lacking to need those three people to keep you on an even keel. It’s the way we as women are wired.And those are some pretty sweet and yummy people!
we_be_toys’s last blog post..Ain’t No Sunshine
September 9th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Megan says:
This is beautifully, painfully written.
I hope you have a good birthday, Maggie.
Megan’s last blog post..
September 9th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Daddy Dan says:
Beautiful post, Maggie.
I hope you have a really great birthday. You deserve it.
BTW, we’re both Virgo’s. My birthday was on Sunday.
Daddy Dan’s last blog post..Weekend Update
September 9th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Coast Rat says:
Hey Maggs:
Our friend Quin, and your mom, say it pretty well, I think. Think about the meds, OK? I can show you all kinds of folks at the Center who have chemical imbalances, and without their daily meds, they would have a much bigger challenge each day than they do. When I work among those beautiful people every day, I feel so blessed, that there, but for the grace of God, could go I, or my children, and I am so thankful, that I have the opportunity to help make their lives a little more comfortable and safe by what I do there. It also helps me to focus outward, more than I otherwise would, and less inward. That works for me anyway…
I wish you a special birthday tomorrow, and pray that each moment is everything you would like it to be! Hey, there IS life in Green Bay after Brett!
Coast Rat’s last blog post..HURRICANE SEASON UPDATE: IKE WILL HOPEFULLY MISS THE MISSISSIPPI GULF COAST
September 9th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Julie @ the calm before the stork says:
From one sponge to another, thank you for naming this way of being, and happy birthday.
Love love love.
Julie @ the calm before the stork’s last blog post..i believe in miracles
September 9th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Jennifer H says:
When I stopped taking Prozac a few years ago, and realized how close to the surface things were (the things that could make me cry or ache), it was a bit frightening, since I had forgotten. But I decided that it was better for me to feel everything, than to feel like I could never cry even if I wanted to. There are times when I wonder if I should go back to meds, but for now I’m steady, holding on to the people I love. I love how you described your family, the colors.
Your writing just breaks my heart sometimes, it’s that good.
Happy Birthday, with lots of candles…
Jennifer H’s last blog post..Time for another Super Wash
September 9th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Christina says:
As someone who has not experienced what you just described – thank you for writing it so perfectly that you have brought me to a new level of understanding. My best friend is an empath who battles cycles like this and it helps me to know how to help her with what you’ve just said. Colors. Gorgeous. Love the idea of the multi colored candles. Have a wonderful birthday.
Oh, and listen to your mom
Christina’s last blog post..Things that make you go hmmmmm?
September 9th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
just beth says:
ah, maggie. happy birthday.
love, your friends in snohomish washington, where green and gold and the beauty of a gray foggy morning wish you all the best in the year to come.
xo
b.
just beth’s last blog post..I Give You My (OhSo) HUMBLE Opinion
September 9th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Tasses says:
I’d like to say that your post made me cry because it was so beautifully written. I’d like to say the tears were for the sunny glow of those beautiful peeps coming back into view. I’d like to tell you that the tears streaming down my blotchy face were for you. But they’re not. They are for me.
They’re because I know that feeling so very well. They’re because of my jealousy with your skill and tenacity to form words into song. They’re because no amount of meds will return my sunny people back into view. They’re because today I’m down the rabbit hole looking up.
Tasses’s last blog post..Drinking Problems at the Fountain of Youth by Beth Teitell
September 10th, 2008 at 3:57 am
Xbox4NappyRash says:
There’s a machine isn’t there?
A Maggie-machine that has a funnel on one end, into which you can toss all sorts of words and letters and moods and feelings and despair and happiness and sadness and people and ideas and everything, anything that will fit.
In the middle is a big button that you push, and on the other end is a blank page that gets shot out covered in all the ingredients that you put in originally, but in the right order, in the right place, with the right pauses, covered in Maggie magic and just makes the reader sigh from a little emotional orgasm.
If my entire family ever gets wiped out, I want you to write a post about it, because it just won’t seem so bad then.
Happy Birthday Margaret.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..The bushel and the camel’s back
September 10th, 2008 at 5:40 am
Aunt Jenn says:
Your Dad choked me up.
Use what you have.
Cherish the good days, get through the bad ones.
I won’t tell you about brain development and depression, or about it’s chronic and cyclical nature. I won’t tell you about serotonin and dopamine. I won’t tell you about how meds and therapy together (even when you are feeling better) are the best treatment and maintenance.
You know.
You also get to be right about what’s right for you.
I love you. I’m supremely honored to know you and share some DNA with you and have a truckload of precious memories that include you.
Happy Birthday Moog,
your loving aunt Jenn.
Aunt Jenn’s last blog post..ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
September 10th, 2008 at 5:52 am
Bluestreak says:
How is it that you always manage to write things that become the best thing I´ve read all week, if not all month? Freaking beautiful.
Bluestreak’s last blog post..I’m 100 and I’ll do what the F@&! I want*
September 10th, 2008 at 7:07 am
jill says:
hug your family, write your words, and put one foot in front of the other,
I don’t know what else to say,
Jill
jill’s last blog post..Crashing Waves
September 10th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
chasingjoy says:
After years of depression I seem to have kicked it aside and I hope you are able to leave it behind soon too. Your description is so perfect. I felt it. I’m sorry for the things that take you there.
chasingjoy’s last blog post..Where is Samantha Stevens When I Need Her?
September 10th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
chanda says:
Grrr! I hate it when I’m late and stuck down here. I hope you see this…
That sponge thing? You’re an empath. They are rare and wonderful, and as you know it’s a blessing and curse. But it makes you you, and you are beautiful. Hold your box of crayons close, they are the most important thing.
Happy Birthday Maggie!
chanda’s last blog post..It’s a Little Early for The Valentines Day Masacree
September 10th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
tiff says:
Maggie,
Firstly, happy birthday. I’ve only recently found your blog and I love what you write.
I just wanted to say, sometimes, when you close your eyes,and you think it is pitch black, if you wait for just a little bit, you will often start to see those golden, colourful specks.
Sometimes the darkness is just as beautiful.
I’m glad you’re the sponge.
September 11th, 2008 at 12:08 am
Black Hockey Jesus says:
One time Skip ordered me to smack an old woman in a bookstore. He was really pushy about it but I kept refusing. I usually did whatever he requested but I absolutely refused to smack an old woman for the sake of having a wild and varied experience.
After a lot of haggling he finally said: “You are hard on yourself to the point of cruelty. And it’s NO DIFFERENT than smacking that old woman. So you need to either smack that old woman, or lighten up.”
Skip was cool.
September 11th, 2008 at 5:06 am
Mrs. Kitty says:
Light ‘em up! Light up those rainbow candles and enjoy your day. Because you? You deserve it.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Batspit says:
happy happy birthday
September 11th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Okay, Fine, Dammit » September 11th says:
[...] said, “This is so that you’ll always have color in your [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
mrs. chicken says:
William Styron. Hemmingway. Mike Wallace. Tennesee Williams.
We are in good company.
It is part of what makes us who we are, and how we see the world.
thinking of you.
mrs. chicken’s last blog post..In The Middle Of The Night
September 12th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Gypsy says:
I hope your birthday helped bring out the colors in your life. {hugs} Your writing often brings out the colors in mine.
Gypsy’s last blog post..Once Bitten
September 12th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Toasty says:
That was beautiful… As usual I am a day late and a dollar short. But I hope your birthday was special.
Toasty’s last blog post..tap tap tap, is this thing on?
September 14th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Kat says:
Now how did I miss this beautiful post, Maggie?
I don’t know that feeling things “too” deeply is a bad thing. When I was younger it was a torment as well as a great source of joy. I think it changes as you get older into more of a blessing and less of a curse. For me it has at least.
I love your words, Maggie.
Kat’s last blog post..Ike Approaches – Pictures
September 17th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Okay, Fine, Dammit » Awareness says:
[...] several months spent living inside the words of these wounded women have not been easy. I’ve mentioned before the unfortunate tendency I have to sponge up the emotions of the people around me, and the [...]
October 8th, 2008 at 9:31 am