My mom is totally not having a procedure right now. [updated no fewer than eleventy times]
I can’t believe it’s been a year since the Universe roared, pounced, scooped me up in its fat hand, shook me like a rattle, suddenly realized its mistake, and set me gently back down again (shame-faced, muttering apologies, ‘Here, are you hurt, I think you dropped your beer, sorry again.‘)
It’s been one year since my mom was scooped out herself, examined, and cleared. This afternoon she has her one-year follow-up procedure, and I am doing what I do best: worrying obsessively about what is most likely nothing at all.
I mean, even though in the end it was nothing it was still some of the worst nothingness I’ve ever felt, you know? Because really, how much of our reality is what actually happens and how much is how we feel about what happens or could happen or might happen or what? You know??
[sigh]
I am here today to distract myself. You’re stuck with me. Hi.
What should we talk about?
So my blog redesign is almost done — yesterday Pare and I had some drinks, caked on some make-up and took about 800 pictures (just your average Wednesday afternoon) for use in my new blog header and after the shock wore off we got to talking about how much we like it when bloggers relay conversations with their spouses, you know those ones? They are some of my favorite posts, partly for the glimpse into the lives of people I stalk respect, and partly because the conversations generally border on genius.
And so I said to her, I could never do that, even if I wanted to, and she laughed in agreement. And this is why.
****
Me: “Hey hon, how was your day?”
Dave: “………..”
Me: “Don’t forget I’ve got book group tonight.”
Dave: “Brett Favre.”
Me: “Have you seen Gretta’s school supply list?”
Dave: “I saw a deer on the way home but I didn’t shoot it.”
Me: “What should we do this weekend, babe?”
Dave: “Andrew grabbed my butt today — which is totally understandable.”
Me: “Have you given any thought to that birthday party we’re invited to?”
Dave: “I’m gonna go caulk a wall. Maybe a window.”
Me: “What would you like for dinner?”
Dave: “Think I could break our patio table with one chop?”
Me: “You should check out this book I’m reading, it’s so awesome.”
Dave: “Brett Favre.”
****
So you see, I can’t really do those posts, and you’re welcome. [Updated to add: This was not an *actual* conversation with said husband, it's just an example of what one would *probably* look like if I were actually paying attention and documenting it. Thank you.]
(I’m sorry I exposed you in this way hon, you know I’m usually pretty good about not doing that. But today I’m losing my shit (just a tad, nothing to worry about, stay where you are, do not pass Go, do not collect your crazy wife) and I just wanted to babble a bit. Also, I’ve been trying to work Andrew’s name into a blog post for a while now, I know how much you’ll both appreciate that. Hi Andrew. Stay away from my man. I love you.)
(Oh, and mom, I know you said not to freak out and I know you never read my blog (ha!) so you won’t know I broke my word and did you remember to pack that sandwich in your purse? And what are you doing right now, shopping? You’re at the mall or something, right? )
(Oh, and to the rest of you — hi, are you still here? — it’s a good thing I can’t seem to fix that WordPress bug that’s got my entire posts showing up in your feed readers even though I tell it to only show summaries, huh? So that you don’t have to click over here if you don’t want to (like today, hi.) But fair warning, I’m trying to fix that bug, so enjoy it while you can. But for sure you’ll want to click through when my cool new re-design is finished, right Sam?) [Updated to add: So, really, you wouldn't like it if I fixed the bug? Summaries or full feeds, what's the consensus? Anyone?]
Have I mentioned my mom is totally at a spa right now, reading a great book and sipping chardonnay and eating all the food she wants and she is totally not having any kind of follow-up procedure?
[deep sigh take two.]
Awesome post, huh?
You’re welcome.
[Update: Just took the girls to lunch with Katie, then stopped by a local gift shop. The lady behind the counter recognized us and said, "Hi, how's it going? What's your mom doing today?" And I said, "She's having a procedure" and then we turned around and left. I bet my mom doesn't get me a birthday present this year.]
[2nd update: This is officially the worst post I have ever written. Don't feel bad if it isn't here tomorrow, you're not losing your mind.]
[Most important update of all: Just got off the phone with my mom, after a conversation that I have no doubt she will not remember tomorrow -- but the news is good, all good. All good. I must go now and puddle into a melted mass of relief.]
[Final update: I will never, ever figure out Google Adsense (see below). Feel free to click anyway, though. You could probably sell those pictures on eBay....]
Gypsy says:
Are you wandering around your house right now, picking things up and putting them down somewhere else and making false starts and looking in the fridge seven different times for something to eat or drink but nothing looks good and maybe there’s something good on TV and did you know that QVC is awesome for time wasting?
{hugs}
I hope she passes her follow up with flying colors.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:41 am
cindy says:
ok…stumbled here from Kate Anon–glad I did. What a hoot.
cindys last blog post..New York Times Crossword Puzzle–My Daily Addiction
August 28th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Jenny, Bloggess says:
Brett Favre.
Now I can’t stop saying it.
Jenny, Bloggesss last blog post..So I got a box in the mail filled with 80 body parts
August 28th, 2008 at 9:56 am
we_be_toys says:
I’m going to point what happy thoughts I have today in the direction of your lovely mom.
Your conversations with your husband sound better than mine have lately. A certain spouse has had a serious bug up his ass this week (not you, Dave – you’re a doll for not shooting the deer, btw.)
These long drawn out periods of waiting are when I actually have enough nervous energy to clean all the house – I really hate them – it sets the bar too high for the rest of the time!
we_be_toyss last blog post..Unspectacular?
August 28th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Velma says:
My dad was supposed to have a kidney taken out last Friday, but the anesthesiology resident screwed up the intubation. So, the whole week we spent out there in PA trying to distract the extended family with our fabulous presence was a waste. Except it wasn’t a really waste, because we got to see everybody for the first time in a year, but… the worry is still there, you know? And everybody is stressed, because it was supposed to be a done deal by now. Sigh.
Velmas last blog post..Why, Yes – I AM A Friggin’ Idiot!
August 28th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Miss Britt says:
oh please for the love of GOD do not go back to summaries.
Please.
Miss Britts last blog post..Matthew’s Mom is Dead
August 28th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Twenty Four At Heart says:
I have sooooo been where you are today. I am sure everything will be fine, but that’s not the point is it? I totally get it.
If you need a distraction, come by for a visit. We are talking sex, gender gap, male/female communication discrepancies, etc. this week. It’s been fun and it will take your mind off things for awhile!
August 28th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Natalie says:
“I mean, even though in the end it was nothing it was still some of the worst nothingness I’ve ever felt, you know? Because really, how much of our reality is what actually happens and how much is how we feel about what happens or could happen or might happen or what? You know??”
Brilliant. I know exactly what you mean. I am very good at making up my own, twisted reality.
Also, please don’t fix that wordpress bug, I CAN’T STAND partial feeds.
I hope everything checks out OK with your mom.
And your conversations with your husband are most certainly worth repeating. HAHA!
Natalies last blog post..The Little Pink Lines
August 28th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Hilary says:
I really did enjoy it. Your conversation sounds a lot like most of our conversations. Occasionally there is banter that actually makes sense together, but mostly it’s like two people thinking aloud, not listening to one another.
Hilarys last blog post..Quiet around here
August 28th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Krista says:
I love you, man.
Kristas last blog post..Tales from the laundromat.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat? says:
Puppy farts!!!!
Ok…it always makes my kids laugh when they’re freaking out.
Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?s last blog post..Back-to-School Prize
August 28th, 2008 at 10:46 am
buffi says:
Oh, yes, I just saw your mom AT the spa. Her toenails look FAB. She getting a massage even as I type this. No procedure. Nope. Just a massage. And then? A facial!
buffis last blog post..Conversations with Bug & Bear
August 28th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Captain Steve says:
Can I beg you not to go back to summaries too? Because I can’t read you at work then. . .of course, then I can’t comment. I like to comment. Ah, fuck. Now I’m not sure what I want you to do. Cleaning is always good for wasting time. When I’m stressed I clean like a mother fucker.
Captain Steves last blog post..An Open Letter To Jo March
August 28th, 2008 at 10:51 am
maggie, dammit says:
OK, so, seriously should I not go back to summary feeds?
maggie, dammits last blog post..One week from today.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Jim says:
My wife doesn’t read blogs. I tell her about ones that I read and get the old dismissive, “How quaint” look. Sigh. The higher arts are lost on some people.
Jims last blog post..How to kill your IT Department plus the seperate topic of Kindergarten
August 28th, 2008 at 10:55 am
chanda says:
I think a little freak out is okay – they even wrote a song about it- aaawwww freak out! Different kind of freak? Probably, but see, it’s all part of my plan to replace your worry with annoying disco lyrics. Is it working? How bout now?
Okay, now?
Sending positive thoughts and disco moves your way (and if THAT doesn’t distract you, nothing will).
Hang in there sweetie, it will all be okay.
chandas last blog post..A Surprise Ending
August 28th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Judy C says:
I am sending you both good thoughts and hugs.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:58 am
lea says:
I adore you.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Betsey Booms says:
I felt like I was reading myself for just a moment.
Betsey Boomss last blog post..For All The Suffering Jasons Of The World
August 28th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Houston says:
Tell Dave I said, “Peyton Manning.”
Houstons last blog post..Vote For "Spare" Change!
August 28th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Xbox4NappyRash says:
4.
It took me 4 bloody chops to bust that patio table.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Losing words & winning battles
August 28th, 2008 at 11:19 am
krista says:
eck…procedure.
that word freaks me out.
my man and i have a deal:
he’ll talk to me about football and i listen like i care/understand/relate (although i did draw the line at his suggestion that we start a fantasy football team together) and he listens without mocking when i talk about my so-called blog life.
kristas last blog post..shark fangs
August 28th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Maria says:
I don’t know, it could be worse: you could actually have to speak to your husband.
I thought you cared about Brett Farve?
And I clicked over for the redesign. When do you expect it to be done??
Marias last blog post..straight out of a textbook of crazy
August 28th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Margaret (Nanny Goats) says:
And since I’m showing up several hours after you posted, then this not-happening procedure is all over, right? RIGHT?
August 28th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Fannie says:
“I’m sure it’s nothing” is some scary shit. I’m just sayin’.
Fannies last blog post..What if?
August 28th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
jill says:
I hope everything is OK, I know the waiting is the worst. Sometimes our wondering minds are our own worst enemies
jills last blog post..Jill Be Nimble
August 28th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
kateanon says:
Can I celebrate my procedure anniversaries with trips to the spa? Will the spa donate?
Butt grabbing, caulk and Brett Farve in one conversation? Well, you must be more mature than me. I won’t tell you where my mind goes.
kateanons last blog post..Don’t be a bother
August 28th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
deb on the rocks says:
This is totally how a conversation with my oldest son would go. Dear future daughter-in-law: I tried. Best of luck. I’m sorry.
deb on the rockss last blog post..Trend Report, Fall 2008
August 28th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Tootsie Farklepants says:
Yeah, we have those one sided conversations too. You’ll note that I haven’t posted an exchange in a while. It is fantasy football time, you know.
Tootsie Farklepantss last blog post..Then I Hurled Myself Off the Nearest Skyscraper
August 28th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Gwen says:
Deep breaths, babe. Deep breaths.
Gwens last blog post..Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall
August 28th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Crystal D says:
Full feed please!
Brett Favre. LOL
I think my conversations with my husband probably go about the same way (I’ll have to pay attention and find out.)
Crystal Dobbss last blog post..Before and After…
August 28th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
SAM says:
I think you should write a play based on that conversation. A new take on She Said/He Said. Hysterical. Good vibes to your mom. Next thing you know, she’ll be chiding you for all that worry.
xo
SAMs last blog post..Ups and Downs
August 28th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
insane mama says:
I’m hoping your mom is ok. I would NEVER try to atempt posting a conversation. It would make absolutely NO sense
insane mamas last blog post..My Idiosyncrasies Are Multiplying
August 28th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Maria says:
You need to use feedburner. Like switch over now. And you’ve already got the copyright plugin, so if I were you, I’d do the full post thing. I stopped for a while because of all the aggregation sites but I got a lot of complaints.
And then, my comp started having issues and firefox suddenly hates me, so opening too many tabs, or even loading some blogs is a painful experience. I’d like to at least have the option of reading it in my google reader [which is in a widget on my igoogle.com front page so I read it there.
]
I’ll be waiting on an update about your mom!
Marias last blog post..Thank You, Hilary.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
karey m. says:
i’m plugging my nose to make my snorting sound…smaller.
the part about “what’s your mom doing today?”
she’s having a procedure…and then turning around and walking away. WHY is that cracking me up so?!
it reminds me of a bad moment in my life. which always makes me laugh hysterically.
i. have. got. to. get. over. this. lag! xoxo. you’re funny.
karey m.s last blog post..it seemed like a magical idea this morning…
August 28th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Pare says:
This is the conversation I TRY to have with Matt all the time but he never shuts the fuck up. (I am NOT a dude, quit saying that!)
In other news: I heart Dave.
Also: she’s going to be fine, Maggie. Deep, immensely huge breath, okay?
Pares last blog post..School Daze
August 28th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
ms. changes pants while driving says:
i’m going to give you my three cents because i’m sure everyone wants to hear what i have to say about every single subject. ever.
keep the full feed. i’m not able to get to your blog at work. so i read through google reader. and i “star” the ones that i want to comment on later, when i get home.
if i can’t see the whole feed, chances are i’m not going to star it to comment later. i’m not going to click on it to read the whole thing unless your post grabs me within the first few lines.
i’ve stopped subscribing to blogs that don’t have the full feed because it’s frustrating.
but that’s just me. it’s your blog, so you do what you want.
and please keep this updated update post up. it’s hilarious.
and i think i’ve commented here before, but if not, hi!! i stalk you.
ms. changes pants while drivings last blog post..do IIII know anything about face sheets?
August 28th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Pare says:
See?! Not only am I genius but I’m psychic as well. You love me.
Pares last blog post..School Daze
August 28th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Clayjack says:
I knew it wasn’t a real conversation. Nobody caulks walls.
Unless you’re on that DIY show where you’re in way over your head and some GQ-looking dude sweeps in to save your sorry ass.
Clayjacks last blog post..Nice Ass…Cancer
August 28th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Tina says:
So glad I didn’t check my feed until after you’d posted that your mom is okay. I would have been worried and when I worry, I eat. And I’ve worried a lot lately. And my pants don’t fit already.
I’m also really happy to hear your mom is okay because I still totally want her to adopt me. Please give her my love.
Your future sis,
Tina
Tinas last blog post..Blogapalooza: Kids taking it on the road…
August 28th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
chanda says:
See, I knew it would be okay! I am glad, though, that now you know for sure and can breath…. and drink a beer.
chandas last blog post..A Surprise Ending
August 28th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
flutter says:
I’m sorry, what? Brett Favre is on TV
flutters last blog post..NC-17
August 28th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
wrh says:
Are you married to my husband, by any chance? That conversation sounds awfully familiar.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
noble pig says:
Oh you poor thing for having to worry. I’m so glad all is well.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Debbie says:
I’m glad all is well with Mom. I have no clue as to the procedure. Will have to backtrack some.
This post is EXACTLY how my little mind works during every waking moment. All over the place and then some. I liked it LOL!
Debbies last blog post..The Jails Are Full…
August 28th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Mrs Parks says:
Conversations with husbands…….
Sending best wishes to your Mother, I’m glad things are looking good.
Mrs Parkss last blog post..Share The Love
August 28th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Jennifer says:
Oh I’m so glad she’s ok! What a relief! I have done the waiting by the phone for lab results and in the waiting room during surgeries–it’s excruciating! I swear it’s taken years off my life. So glad all is well and LOL at the “conversation.”
Jennifers last blog post..I Miss Spiderman!
August 28th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
manager mom says:
Your posts on what you think is your bad day blow away 90% of the blogosphere.
I totally Brett Favre you.
manager moms last blog post..I’ll Take Manhattan
August 28th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
sam {temptingmama} says:
Love you!
Thinking about your mom!
I agree… I hate partials, but if you want them… I’ll do it and even click over.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Pamela says:
That’s a lot of elephants this week, what with your mom, and the one in the room, and Brett Favre. Move out of the zoo.
I say that to me, too, but it seems I’m the zookeeper. Dammit.
Pamelas last blog post..encyclopedia o-tannica
August 28th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Nutmeg says:
I am so happy that your mom is okay.
When Dave is in a caulking mood, send him my way.
Nutmegs last blog post..August 27, 2005
August 28th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Shamelessly Sassy says:
I had a comment to leave in my head, but then my brain fell out. True story. I have a conversation between my husband and I up as a post right now.
Shamelessly Sassys last blog post..Poop Chills
August 28th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Felicity says:
I will read you any way you put it out there! I love this post, and that conversation actually feels like every day of my life. Sometimes I think I am invisible and they can’t really here me talking. Then I pinch myself and realize, nope, I am here, they are just ignoring me.
Hugs to you. Hugs to your mom.
Felicitys last blog post..Orange you glad I didn’t say banana
August 28th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Karen MEG says:
randomness rocks; we have those types of conversations all the time in this house… the secret of our successful marriage!
Glad to read that your mom is in the clear — hooray!
Karen MEGs last blog post..Double Happiness
August 28th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
just beth says:
I’m so glad she’s OK Maggie. Whew, huh?
xo
b.
just beths last blog post..Bread: It’s What’s For Dinner.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Kat says:
Love your rambling nonsense post, and I’m so glad to read that your mom is ok.
Kats last blog post..The Vise-Grip of Memory
August 28th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
A Free Man says:
Did you say something about football. Do you know what today is? The start of college football season, or the time of year that I change from socialist university lecturer into Georgia Bulldog fan. You may want to steer clear of my site for a while, but your husband may be interested…
A Free Mans last blog post..Terror in Happy Valley
August 29th, 2008 at 4:46 am
tysdaddy says:
I hate summaries . . .
tysdaddys last blog post..Staying Put
August 29th, 2008 at 5:10 am
qt says:
Hysterical. Except the part where you had drinks/lunch with every blogger in a 100 mile radius but ME!!!
You better be in Milwaukee tomorrow…..
qts last blog post..Wednesday Obsessions: Is There An Echo In Here?
August 29th, 2008 at 5:24 am
Wait « The Cheek of God says:
[...] Maggie is waiting for news and rambling. Christine is struggling as she waits for the call. And Martin is enduring the worst kind of waiting imaginable. Becky is biding her time doing the meme things. And That Girl’s having computer woes. [...]
August 29th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Emily says:
Whew….good news. I’m glad to hear it.
Emilys last blog post..Happy Third Birthday, Katrina!
August 29th, 2008 at 8:00 am
we_be_toys says:
Oh thank god – good news! I was thinking of you last night, hoping all was well.
Whew – so I can exhale now?
we_be_toyss last blog post..Unspectacular?
August 29th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Emerald says:
That’s okay, I’m really good at worrying too! Josh is offline when he said he would be online + checking his weather forcast to see if maybe a storm knocked out his power (cause it sometimes does) and finding out there is a hurricane and tornado watch = instant freakout/panic attack/reaching for the ativan/ trying to be rational/failing.
I’m really glad your mom is all good though! And while I totally love and respect your Project Pimpdom (awesome name) I can’t make heads or tails of Google AdSense either. I’ve been trying! (Failing.)
Oh wait, you were referring to the content of the ads. Yeah, I can’t figure that out either.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Candance says:
So, I sat here trying to think if I’ve ever worked with anyone who has ever grabbed my ass. I had two DJ’s who used to hump the studio glass and old men ask to sit in my lap but no ass grabbing. Oh wait, David used to, but we were doing it, so you know…
For the love of God, don’t go back to the summaries.
YAY for your mama!!
Candances last blog post..Kevin Geil from Two Tons of Steel, My Daughter Will Have a Great First Week of Sixth Grade Because of You
August 29th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Andrew says:
Wow… I must say I had hoped my debut on “Okay, Fine, Dammit” would have been much larger…. Music, Dancing, Lights, Smoke and of course… Confetti!!!!!!!!! … and maybe some naked men dancing on the tables, but I wont push my luck, the first five would be just fine.
The funny thing is when I got the text message from Dave that you FINALLY put me on the blog, I grabbed the first computer I could fine (which was not mine by the way), went to OFD and did a “ctrl+f” and searched for Andrew. I found my name and read the story prior to my insert and almost passed out. Because of the slight heart-attack I had… I didn’t even bother reading the rest of the post. Which also means I didn’t realize that the conversation was not real. Shows you how much ass grabbing really goes on at work, because as far as I was concerned, that was just a normal conversation between you two.
Oh well.. What can ya say. Just so you are aware, I will be printing out the post, framing it and bringing it to the next cookout for you to sign so I can sell it on e-bay once you become a gigantic journalistic celebrity (not far from your current position)
August 29th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Kelley says:
Sweetie, I hate you. Cause that post was better than my last months combined.
Love you and glad your mum is OK.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:57 am
Mom says:
Thanks everybody, it was nothing, really. Now would you all go and vote for Maggie’s site with that button at the top of the page? She writes great parenting blogs from BOTH directions! And you all must know that there comes a point where you have to parent your parents, too. So go there and check it out, cause we all know that Maggie’s the best of the best…(but what’s with that first sight with lotsa different writers? is that fair? Of course they all vote for their site and they start out 20-some votes ahead. That’s just wrong. OFD readers should jump on that one and knock ‘em right out. Besides it’s not a very interesting blog and not just about parenting either. I’m mortified!
I didn’t look at anyone else’s. I know the best when I see it.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:32 am
maggie, dammit says:
oh. my. GOD. MOTHER!
maggie, dammits last blog post..Gustav
August 30th, 2008 at 7:33 am
Jennifer says:
Oh my god. Laughing so hard at your imagined convo with your husband, that is freaking hilarious — AND at your mom’s comment. Too cute!
Jennifers last blog post..I Really Wanted A Description Of Edward’s Naughty Parts
August 30th, 2008 at 11:38 am
mtnhighmama says:
re: feed (though I’m REALLY glad everything is fine with your mother)
I hate that when you update a post, it doesn’t get fed into my feed again. I don’t know that you’ve updated it until a couple days later when I click over.
So, I don’t like it when I just get summaries in my feed. I usually click over if it’s a long post, whether I get the full post or not, but get irritated if I’m, say, at work and have to click over. Harder to hide that from the boss (though he’s pretty great, and would probably enjoy your blog too).
Regardless of whether I get the full story or not, I will still frequently come to your actual blog to read up, because the comments are worth it.
mtnhighmamas last blog post..Surrogacy Update
August 31st, 2008 at 10:00 pm