Home, where my love lies waiting silently for me.
The speedometer says 79 mph but I feel like we’re standing still, moving backwards, even. I’ve noticed it always looks that way now, as an adult, the view out the front, hundreds of miles yawning out endlessly ahead. As a kid watching out the side window, speed was so intensely obvious. I’d dizzy myself watching the yellow line blur into one solid streak.
If Dave were here, I’d be looking out the side window. It would be him in this seat, and when the words started to pressurize in my mind I could grab my notebook and let them hiss out, my pen a powerful release valve. But here at the wheel there’s no such release, and every eyeful of road seems attached to a moment, memories kicking up sloppy against the mud-flaps. For each mile my car racks up, my mind travels fifty.
I remember driving this same road when I stole my parents’ car and ran away to Minnesota. I pass the rest stop where I called them to hint at my whereabouts and I wonder if I’m still in there somehow, shaking on the pay phone. I think now of my artist mom and I wonder if she sees the world in watercolors the way I see the world in sentences.
On good days, the sentences stack neatly like Legos in my mind, infinite variations on towers, crisp, organized cities. Times like this, though, they’re like screaming, wild horses, fenced and overcrowded. I remember how it used to be like that all the time, before I discovered I could use writing to tame them, or at least shove metallic bits in their mouths. I spent many more years, later, running away time and again, long after I knew better, and I shudder now to think of the roadkill in my wake. I wish I’d found my way earlier, wish I’d known the relief these words could bring. Regrets are most vivid when viewed through a windshield, to say nothing of the rear-view mirror.
Patti Griffin starts making pies because it’s Monday and her voice rings painfully sweet. I’m so grateful that it isn’t Monday — in fact, it’s not even Sunday, though all day long I’ve been thinking it is. Today is actually Saturday, and I could cry with relief at the thought. And then I think about last Sunday, and how the world stopped, and I think about how far I’ve come in a week; and I could cry with relief at that thought, too, but I tell myself no more tears and so the road blurs just the subtlest bit.
Gretta’s in the back, nose buried in a book. I watch her as she sucks that one strand of hair, lost in the pages. Joni Mitchell starts in about how life’s a circle game and I remember Gretta at age two, requesting Joni over Wheels on the Bus, and how proud it made me. I wonder if I say it aloud often enough, that I’m proud, or if they only hear my disciplinary growls.
Emma’s out like a light, and it’s scary how much younger she looks when she’s asleep. So young, and so benign, which is even more disconcerting. My stomach pitches at the thought of her future, how I’ll have to figure out some way to harness her passion, or, I guess, teach her how to harness her own. Hers is a frightening, kiln-fired soul, and I ponder how someone so little can feel things so deeply. And then one pull from Bruce Springsteen’s harmonica on that old, old song, and I’m reminded just how.
Mike Doughty’s beat comes thick and steady and I remember I got this track from my brother. I think back to that conversation on his front steps yesterday, planes roaring overhead, wine sweet in plastic cups, sidewalk chalk bleeding out in colorful veins. “You’ve managed to successfully clone yourselves, you and Dave,” he said, laughing, the thought simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying.
Fifty miles from home now and we’re loud. Songs hollered, books slapped closed, eyes sprung open, everybody squirrley and puckish. I’m jiggling the wheel a bit to Kanye, and Gretta says she’s sick. Emma one-up’s her and says she’s bleeding, but we’re so close now I can’t stand it and so I don’t check either claim. Dave is my true north and I can feel his pull in my gut, in my knees, in my scalp, but there’s something else I’m starting to see, too, and that’s a spot on the compass I didn’t even know was there, maybe it’s the grommet in the middle that grounds the needle, maybe it’s the hand itself palming the compass, my hand, me, and the thing I’m spinning to get to is this, this computer, these keys, those horses, these words that went too long without release.
Then Jen Trynin writes her notes and the man in black wails his Hurt, and I’m reminded that there are some words I will never type, not ever, and I wonder what keeping them in will cost me in the end. But it’s not the kind of thought that makes me want to yank the emergency brake; it’s the kind that drives on ahead as I watch its taillights blink out, and I don’t wonder where it’s going and I don’t care whether or not I see it again. And that’s when I realize I’ve traveled so much further than I ever thought I would, and that I’ve been on my way here all along.
Home.
vodkamom says:
When I saw your title, I started humming. Now, I’m speechless, and silent. whew. That was hauntingly lovely. You DO have a way with the word. That’s all I can say. Wow.
vodkamoms last blog post..The Funny Stuff
August 16th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
sam {temptingmama} says:
Your title kinda scared me. And even though some what cryptive, your post is captivating and beautiful.
*hugs*
August 16th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
bejewell says:
Yes, awesome post. You can write, lady!
But, more importantly (to me at the moment, anyway) – You have excellent taste in music. I wanna road trip with you sometime.
bejewells last blog post..I’m Going to Write a Book
August 16th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Ry says:
I really can’t say much except I love this piece of work. Really wonderful. Moving.
Rys last blog post..Silver Lining – AKA Not so bad afterall
August 16th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Kat says:
You’re such a writer, Maggie. Love love love this post.
Kats last blog post..Dead Man Walking
August 16th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Julie @ the calm before the stork says:
Beautiful.
Keeping a thing in. Writing around a thing.
I feel like I’m holding my breath while I read this post.
Julie @ the calm before the storks last blog post..oh, phooey
August 16th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
magpie says:
Beautifully woven together, the songs and the trip.
magpies last blog post..Can We Talk About Pie Crust?
August 16th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
just beth says:
Maggie, this, above anything I’ve been able to think or write or say out loud, THIS speaks to me and for me.
You are so brave.
xo
b.
just beths last blog post..The Results Are In!
August 16th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Jenny, Bloggess says:
You made me forget where I was with this. Seriously…I was reading and suddenly I wasn’t really here, I was with you. I’m not explaining this right but damn, you are one hell of a writer. I don’t know what you’re going through right now but I’m here for you. Anything at all.
Jenny, Bloggesss last blog post..This doesn’t bode well for the integrity of blogging
August 16th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Jess says:
You write so beautifully. Wow. I’m still in a trance.
August 16th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Jim says:
I found your blog thanks to the Blogess herself. This is wonderful writing. Thank you for it.
Jims last blog post..Dual Standards
August 16th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Fannie says:
Thanks for sharing your words. Powerful.
Fannies last blog post..Live From Beijing
August 16th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
gin says:
A night once like that, long ago, where my true Love slept, awaiting for my return from a place where my world had just been turned upside down. All I knew in that moment, those long hours of driving was that I had to find my way home, to collapse into the arms of my husband. He was the one that would set things right, complete me and comfort me.
Your words are an incredible reminder of a road once traveled.
gins last blog post..Moral of the story is…
August 16th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Lawyer Mama says:
Holy shit! I think I love your brain.
Lawyer Mamas last blog post..I’m Off to the Midwest
August 16th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Susan says:
Wow, Maggie! Just wow!
Susans last blog post..One of those days
August 16th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
anymommy says:
I loved every word of that. I just fell in love with your writing.
anymommys last blog post..Struck By Lightning
August 16th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
pgoodness says:
A cryptic word or two and I thought I’d be waiting for more…instead I rode in on the waves of your words, landed on the beach and wanted more. Your writing is superb.
pgoodnesss last blog post..i can haz mah bike back? Plz?
August 16th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Jennifer says:
Beautifully done! Man, I feel like I just got out of your car–or your brain or something!
Jennifers last blog post..Scandinavian Food: Restaraunt Adventure Saturday
August 16th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
swirl girl says:
I truly aspire to write as you do…bringing the reader along for a ride, or a memory, or a song.
the power of prose is so…poetic.
thanks for sharing
August 16th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Tasses says:
That’s it.
I’m done.
I’ll hang up my pen (keyboard) now.
Beautimous
Tassess last blog post..The Queen’s Return
August 16th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
merlotmom says:
“every eyeful of road seems attached to a moment, memories kicking up sloppy against the mud-flaps”…wow! I read that a few times it was so beautiful. I love you for writing so well, I hate you for writing so well. Damn girl, good stuff.
merlotmoms last blog post..Lest You Think I Exaggerate…
August 16th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Natalie says:
Beautiful.
And the song, too.
Natalies last blog post..Read it Before I Delete it
August 16th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
we_be_toys says:
Great song selection in the car – I felt like I was there. Wish I had been. I suspect but I won’t say – you’ll tell us in time.
Thinking of you…
we_be_toyss last blog post..A Smudge of Embarrassment on Your Collar
August 16th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
noble pig says:
Maggie-
I loved it. Powerful. Loving. Intimate.
The pen flows so easily in your hand and onto paper. Amazing. I felt every word.
August 16th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Tootsie Farklepants says:
This is awesome. Just awesome.
I’ve got something for you on my blog. Dammit.
Tootsie Farklepantss last blog post..Awards
August 16th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Zip n Tizzy says:
I just discovered your blog on blog nosh.
You write beautifully, and this post spoke to me on many different levels.
I’m working my way up to this kind of honesty… just writing on the surface for now.
I will continue to visit as your writing is contagious. Welcome Home.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
kateanon says:
I’m glad your home, and I hope the days improve a little at a time for you. Your words are beautiful, as much as, from what I can tell, your heart.
kateanons last blog post..Men are like ovens (where else can you get such a metaphor?)
August 16th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
San Diego Momma says:
You know you’re a talent, right? I hope you know that. And what a gift your writing is, to those who read you and to yourself.
Keep it coming.
San Diego Mommas last blog post..Want to See Something Good?
August 17th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Black Hockey Jesus says:
Writers can’t be painters or musicians and it sucks, but this is close. So hard to say “alone” with such a social tool like language.
I barely know what I mean. It’s 2:43 and I’m missing dead people so much I ache.
Black Hockey Jesuss last blog post..Programming Notes
August 17th, 2008 at 2:45 am
arizaphale says:
“On good days, the sentences stack neatly like Legos in my mind, infinite variations on towers, crisp, organized cities.”
Yes.
arizaphales last blog post..Waving My Flaming Sword at the Football: Or How To Make Friends and Influence People
August 17th, 2008 at 2:57 am
Xbox4NappyRash says:
I wonder if you have a fraction of the understanding of how beautifully you weave words?
Making people read them forwards and then backwards, on paragraph at a time in case we’ve missed something, inevitably we have and it’s like finding another sweet in the box you thought was empty, time and again.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..The seventh sense
August 17th, 2008 at 3:11 am
w1kkp says:
Ok. I’m totally confused, now. Albeit,” confused” by brilliant writing, but confused nonetheless.
“and I’m reminded that there are some words I
will never type, not ever, and I wonder what keeping them in will cost me in the end. But it’s not the kind of thought that makes me want to yank the emergency brake”
Maggie, why doesn’t this limitation make you want to yank the emergency brake? Perhaps not here, but surely somewhere your pen should write these words, no?
Wasn’t this whole piece (in part) about acknowledging regrets (paragraph #4) and yet, ultimately a found voice?
Why wouldn’t acknowledgment of words you’ll never type (inference clearly being you “can’t” type them because of consequences ) be emergency brake material?
And, couching the consequences of this in lyrical taillights that blink out and you don’t wonder or care whether you see them again? This is what is confusing, even contradictory to me.
In my world, the answer to “what it will cost me in the end” is simply more roadkill. Except, now, it’s not just you who shall pay the price. Your daughters will too. They shall learn lyrical, haunting, albeit lovely, but in the end only cryptic legos from you.
I don’t think that’s the compass you want for their future. But, hopefully, this is only the consequence of writing a cryptic note–a reader may end up confused.
Haven’t you already realized how to create roadkill of the regret variety? And, yet, you suggest, you are going to continue to put on a muzzle by choice?
Yes, as beautiful as this is (and it is)–it confuses me. And, even, worries me.
w1kkps last blog post..Cowboy Day
August 17th, 2008 at 5:04 am
Mom says:
If I could just paint one painting as beautiful as those words I would probably faint. My life would have more meaning than even that it helped produce YOU. Wow, Maggie, that’s an (an0ther) totally incredible piece. (Welcome home.)
August 17th, 2008 at 6:05 am
Scott says:
Wow! Your writing is such a gift to so many. I read your blog and covet your gift – I know, God said, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s blogging ability!” but sweet Jesus, woman, you’ve got it going on!
Scotts last blog post..Splish, Splash – Fun in the Pool!
August 17th, 2008 at 7:01 am
chanda says:
I felt like I was sitting, specter like, beside you, as these words hurtled me into your world. I didn’t want to leave. Beautiful!
Wow, Maggie, don’t ever stop writing, ever.
chandas last blog post..The Niblet.
August 17th, 2008 at 7:34 am
qt says:
The push and pull was captured here quite beautifully. Now get the rest of those words out…:)
qts last blog post..Wednesday Obsessions: House of Cards
August 17th, 2008 at 7:40 am
krista says:
i envy that you see sentences. i see the world in words. they aren’t usually strung together. i spend most of my time plucking them out of the air in what i hope is order.
and just a thought:
maybe it’s not a bad thing to have things you can’t write. because, in my experience, those types of things are never given the justice they deserve within the constraints of language. they require words that aren’t invented yet. it’s hard to write with words that aren’t invented yet.
so write all around it, in circles, the words stacking up into walls around it, contained. sometimes that says even more than you hoped for.
kristas last blog post..family ties
August 17th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Debbie says:
Oh Mags, this was a fabulous post and really spoke volumes. I related to it and the song? Geez, I had never heard it before and now I never want to stop hearing it! Outstanding writing!
Debbies last blog post..Jail Jabber…
August 17th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Pare says:
“What keeping them in will cost you in the end” depends on what the price would be for letting them out – I know that and so do you.
You don’t ever have to write a damn thing you don’t want to. They are your secrets and you get to choose. You are not for public consumption, my dearest friend. Keep remembering.
(Love you.)
Pares last blog post..(Say it with me) Unemployed!
August 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Jeremy says:
Nicely exposited, lady…
Jeremys last blog post..Returned To Sender
August 17th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Pamela says:
Wow. That was beautiful. And sad, but not sad at the same time. I’m glad you have your solid place.
Pamelas last blog post..houston, we have a problem
August 17th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Gwen says:
I kind of hate you for how good a writer you are.
But not really.
Writing, after all, isn’t the only way to communicate the things that matter to you, even for writers. Sometimes I think blogging screws that up in our heads, makes us think that all the things we are working through must be worked through in public. Why is that?
August 18th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Gypsy says:
Lovely. Just lovely.
Also, driving for me is sometimes the best medicine ever.
August 18th, 2008 at 8:30 am
chasingjoy says:
Reading you is like picking up an old favorite paperback that’s dog-eared and worn and it feels like, well, home.
chasingjoys last blog post..Dependence on the Computer and Yellow Kiwi
August 18th, 2008 at 8:50 am
vodkamom says:
and the finger is back. thank God.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:19 am
jill says:
you have a true gift, and I know wrapped up in your beautiful lines are feelings you need to let out, I hope you have someone who you can poor them out to
jills last blog post..A Girl Can Dream
August 18th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Daisy says:
You know, Maggie, when I read this I just wanted to hold my head next to yours and hope that I’d learn a little of your talent through osmosis?
You make my heart swell.
Daisys last blog post..The Truth Behind Why They Really Admire the Jedi
August 18th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Duck says:
Wow. When you ran away you actually WENT somewhere. When I ran away with my parents car, I got as far as the parking garage. Where I sat with my can of ravioli wondering how to open it without a can opener.
Then I went back home.
Ducks last blog post..Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful
August 18th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
melissa says:
That song’s been in my head for hours now.
Your writing is quite amazing, dear Maggie. I was right there in that car with you as well.
My stomach is askew and my heart is aching a bit for you. I don’t know what pain you are facing, but I very much hope you’re alright.
At the very least I am glad that you are home, where you can be with the one who helps soothe your spirit the most.
melissas last blog post..jellyfish
August 18th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Missives From Suburbia says:
You made me hold my breath. Hauntingly beautiful that piece of yours. Stacking like Legos, indeed.
If you’re running away to Minnesota again, swing on by. We’ll have a hot cup of tea waiting for you and a sweet little boy to entertain those girls of yours.
Missives From Suburbias last blog post..The Five Minute Man
August 18th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Loralee says:
I need to remember to write “Write the fuck like THIS” on my list of things to do one day.
Loralees last blog post..Weddings
August 18th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Andrew says:
Hmmmm… I do have to say that listening to that music was much better listening to it under the stars
I wish our night didn’t have to end Maggie… The stars, the music, the wine, the warm pie, the cold ice cream, the hot smores with chocolate…. Those BIG corn cobs…
LOL
Just kiddin!!
Hey! Thanks again SO MUCH!! We had a blast!!! And we can’t wait to do it again soon.
Also, I figured out what you need, A show on TLC about your family! The perfect idea… All of these people that read your blog, just THINK how many would watch a show about your family!! Ok, so clearly I’m bored. Thanks again,
-A
August 18th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Rock and Roll Mama says:
This freaky universe. I just posted about driving and Simon and Garfunkel. Is it Simons’ birthday? is there juju in the air?
Your post is so haunting, and says so much in so many layers. I love your style, woman. I hope you’re OK, or that you will be soon.
xoxo, L
PS I love your Eloise card, Thank you! (hugs)
Rock and Roll Mamas last blog post..VW Bus, Blueberries, and my Grandpop
August 18th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Heather says:
I’m sitting in a railway station, got a ticket for my destination, hmm-mm, on a tour of one night stands, my suitcase and guitar in hand and every stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one man band.
Dear. Sometimes it hurts, huh? I like:
“Kathy, I’m lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping. I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why…”
Some things are for keeping and not all pain is for learning. We forget that things can just be what they are.
Thanks for your kindness to me.
Heathers last blog post..My life has suddenly become so full.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
daddymolson says:
Everydays an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines
And each town looks the same to me
The movies and the factories
And every strangers face I see
Reminds me that I long to be…..
God Damn it Maggie, I’ll be humming that for a week.
Seriously, you’ve eloquently said what I’ve always felt; home is a feeling, not a place.
Thank you.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:03 am
insane mama says:
You are truly gifted.
insane mamas last blog post..I’m A Forest Fairy!
August 19th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Blogtacular! « The Daily Snark says:
[...] saw her Twitter about starting up again. Her writing is inspirational to me. You just have to read this to know what I’m talking [...]
August 19th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Meg Casey says:
There are few written pieces about writing that move me as much as this moved me. First I was completely captivated by your journey–your journey home, your journey as a writer. Magical Maggie. I was thinking today about writing and the process of writing and found this piece so inspirational and thought provoking. Thank you Thank you Thank you.
Meg Caseys last blog post..The Mystery of Eight
August 19th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
A Free Man says:
I’ll be pretty happy if my kid prefers Joni Mitchell to cloying kiddie music. “Blue” is in my all time Top 10. I’m feeling the need for a road trip.
A Free Mans last blog post..I’m goin’ down to St. James Infirmary
August 20th, 2008 at 3:12 am
XUP says:
I can see why Mo’s in love with you!!
XUPs last blog post..Ottawa vs Montréal: A Day in the Life
August 20th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Maria says:
I wish I would have written this.
Beautiful.
Oh yeah- great playlist too.
Marias last blog post..another 14 hour day
August 21st, 2008 at 6:07 am
Elephant in the room acknowledged says:
[...] are times I have so much to say I’m close to bursting, and other times I’m wholly vacant. The curious thing is, how [...]
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:55 am
pumpkin petunia says:
Really lovely. Thank you.
pumpkin petunias last blog post..PARTY BANNERS
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Jennifer H says:
This is the most lyrical writing I’ve come across on a blog in a long time. Hell, anywhere. Beautiful.
Jennifer Hs last blog post..The notebooks, and why she needs a secret decoder ring
August 25th, 2008 at 10:40 am