Fear and self-loathing in the Midwest
Once upon a time, when Gretta was a toddler, I told her to trust me and then I nearly drowned her — at which point the heaviest fear I’ve ever felt set in. It was like some God of Terrifying Things was holding me by my ankles and plastering papier-mache-panic upon my body piece by piece, and I was paralyzed but for the involuntary shaking. It wasn’t just that she could have been seriously hurt on my watch, but also that I’d forgotten, for one dazzling moment, to be afraid of everything — and I’d been punished for it. Remarkably, that day, after the shock dripped off, I did what I knew had to be done, for both of us. I forced us back in the water.
Two days ago, I dove headfirst back into blogging, the whole unfathomably large, salty, mysterious, oceanic thing, the feed readers and the stats and ads and designs and community. I jackknifed from the high dive and felt that mind-numbing rush upon impact, fresh and startling, heart-stopping. I have yet to decide if it’s a baptism or a drowning.
I don’t know why I have such a fear of this place. The thing I didn’t say in that Stepping Off post, the thing only a few people know, is that I got scared. There’s a reason I live in the country, twenty miles from the nearest gas station. Sure, it’s scenic, but it’s also private. Very, very private. When the Okay, Fine, Dammit house became a more popular place to be, I was absolutely thrilled. All a writer wants is to be read and heard and trusted and followed, you all know that. But it also felt like there were suddenly all these faces peeking in the windows, and I’d never even thought to buy blinds. Please don’t misunderstand: I invited you, you’re all welcome, I just have to get used to wearing pants, you know?
More than that, though, is the fear of being hated, of being talked about, of being judged. I’ve had only a handful of inconsequential trolls since starting this blog, and though they were mostly drive-by, inane posters, they affected me all the same. And for those other Big Bloggers, the ones who have really made it, the ones who supposedly have what we all want, things are so much worse.
Last night I spent two hours glued to a hate blog, the kind of thing I didn’t know existed until I accidentally stumbled upon it and couldn’t look away. Imagine, an entire blog devoted to bashing Dooce and Pioneer Woman, and others like them. The blog author spewed some of the most rancid vitriol I’ve ever tasted in my life, and it struck me, hard, like a slap: Is this the ultimate goal?
Is that how you’re rewarded when you’ve finally “made it” as a blogger? To get to a place where so many people read you that there are bound to be several who hate you, and dedicate their entire lives to ripping you to shreds bit by bit? Are we all just wishing for traffic and comments and recognition without thinking about the consequences? I know it’s insane, but if I couldn’t tear my eyes away from that blog, how on earth could I possibly ignore any bad things that could be written about me? It doesn’t matter how big or small or in between this blog is, even one sharp sentence will slice me. I know it. And I’m terrified.
But look at me, I’m doing it anyway — and I guess that’s the difference between me today and me two days ago.
Like any good parent, I often wonder if I permanently damaged Gretta that day in the pool. I can still see her face, wet, shiny, open to me, open to the world, plastered with a smile that threatened to split her face apart. The subtle ways it morphed from joy to terror and back to joy again, over and over as we tossed her into the air. The weightless nanoseconds before she came back down, time suspended. How she looked when I betrayed her trust.
She was sitting in one of those flotation devices for babies, shaped like a turtle or a dragon or something, and there were two of us, two adults, a friend and I, one on each side, protective, fun, and it was a game, and she was safe, we’re here, don’t worry! We kept shouting, laughing along with her, until one throw was too high, and out she slipped, and down she plunged, and for several terrifying seconds I waded through molasses to get to her, to pull my baby from the three-foot depths. We climbed out of the pool and clung to its edge, shaken, changed, maybe forever, maybe for a minute, I don’t know. We sunk into each other, into the pavement, the grainy poolside putty leaving a pocked impression upon the backs of my thighs, the experience itself leaving one more nebulous. I wanted to wrap her in a towel and get her out of there, run till my legs gave out, but something bigger than me told me what I had to do, even if it was on auto-pilot. That if we hid from this fear, any fear — hers more primal, mine laden with knowledge and worry and experience — it might be crippling.
That is why, after some cuddling and hushing and sweet, slow rocking, without knowing exactly what we were doing or what would come of it, we slipped back into the water.
*****
This post was inspired by my dear friend Katie’s post today, about getting back on the horse (literally). I started to write a book in her comment section and then decided to come over here, instead. I’d forgotten about this experience until I read her words.
Natalie says:
Speechless.
I am so glad you are back.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Maria says:
I’m just glad you’re back.
My first *real encounter* with the hate bloggers endure was with Violent Acres [google it]. An entire blog dedicated to just shitting on other blogs.
I hope one day to make it on.
July 28th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Gin says:
I suppose it takes all kinds. It just depends on how you roll with the punches…
I’m glad you’re back. And congrats on testing the waters. It takes courage to defeat your fears.
July 28th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
merlotmom says:
That was an amazing post. I loved it. Oh, and one more thing, STAY AWAY from the hate bloggers. That shit is toxic. I just close my eyes and ears and sing “la, la, la, la, la”.
July 28th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Mr Lady says:
You know what? I am GLAD you’re back. I share all of your feelings….ALL OF THEM, and I am still going to do it. I hope you do, too. (((hugs)))
July 28th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Velma says:
I’m so glad you are back, because you have a gift for capturing what we all feel at times. I am usually am too drunk to write it all down, so it’s nice to come here and read something coherent.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Velma says:
I told you I am usually am too drunk, dammit!
July 28th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
bejewell says:
It’s so, so true. Can’t escape the drama, especially once you get the traffic. I had a big post (one in which YOU, ahem, WERE NOT MENTIONED) and apparently it set off some alarms in trollville, too. I didn’t see a LOT of ugliness, but what I did see was enough.
I’m scared, too.
But I’m still fucking awesome, and so are you.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Kat says:
Don’t read that shit, Maggie! I didn’t even know there were blogs like that till just now, not that I’m naive but I have more than enough to read with the ones I try to keep up with. Screw the asshole bloggers, they aren’t worth even a passing thought in my opinion.
Did I tell you I’m really glad you’re back? Just checking.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
c.a. Marks says:
Thanks for sharing, that was brave.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
we_be_toys says:
Woof – to both near drowning experiences! And yet, you really were there ultimately, when she went under. You were right to go right back in, both then and now.
The vitriolic have nothing else to fill their lives and expend their energy upon than slashing up what they envy. You are so much better than that. I hear you grow a skin after a while – I hear, anyway. Me? I’m sticking to the shadows of obscurity!
July 28th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
flutter says:
You didn’t betray her trust. You didn’t.
July 28th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
just beth says:
I agree with flutter. You didn’t. Try not to look at it that way, seriously Mags. (like we’re bff or somethin’… Mags. heh.) It will only hurt you, and possibly her, to let something really inconsequential like that haunt you. I know, I know, I wasn’t there, I didn’t see her face, however, I guarantee you that the most important part about that day was that you GOT BACK IN.
When I was in the depth of my depression, thoughts like this were the only ones I had, and now that I’m on the other side, I can see how useless it is.
Having said all of that! Fuck the assholes. I haven’t really had anyone troll me or hate me or anything, and part of me is like Maria and hopes to one day affect someone enough to piss them off, but the other part of me knows that it will hurt. And then I’m coming to YOU for a hug.
xo
b.
p.s. like the novella?? sheesh.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
A Free Man says:
I know what you mean about the privacy. When I started blogging I didn’t expect anyone, beyond maybe family and close friends, to read. Then I started watching my stats and seeing completely random people from all over the world stopping in. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they keep coming back and don’t comment or e-mail. It’s a little creepy sometimes. That’s why I bolted to an “anonymous” site. Which you found in two days. Well done me. At any rate, hopefully when you Google my real name my blog won’t come up as the top hit.
As for drowning kids, I nearly drown my boy on a fortnightly basis but he seems to be all the stronger for it. I come from the pioneer school of parenting, apparently.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
chanda says:
This post; this eyes glued, breath baited, can’t read it fast enough post is the reason I know you belong here. My grandfather used to say “If you’re not afraid, you’re not doing it right”. I don’t know, it sounds sort of f’d up to me, but I get what he was saying. Taking chances and jumping in is what life is about. Don’t ya just hate platitudes?
As for the water incident, take it from someone who’s father used to take her body surfing in the ocean at the age of three or four; you don’t remember the fear, or any sense of mistrust. You just remember that they were there to take you on that wild ride, and to catch you if you fell. (Or in my case, ate beach).
July 28th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Jess says:
It’s amazing how no matter how many people there are that love us, the only thing we can think about is the one person who doesn’t.
It’s easy to say, “whatever, I can’t please everyone.” but it is a lot harder to live by that. But try! Cuz honestly, you really can’t make everyone happy! And as for the people who don’t like you or waht you have to say… (they’re probably just jealous)…
Fuck them.
Dammit.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Bluestreak says:
Wow.
I may be one of the window lurkers…but…
I don´t think it´s possible to do something creative without the risk of hatred/negativity/harsh criticism. The thing that sucks is when you put soul out there and someone else comes along and says your soul is a pile of turds. Punch to the stomach.
I think in some ways on my blog I try to remain anonymous so that if everyone shouts “your such fucking crap”. I can just delete it and shut down my laptop, and then run to the nearest bar, and no one but my virtual peeps will be the wiser. Pretty cowardly, I know. Oh, I´m also anonymous so my family won´t disown me.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:08 am
Meg says:
Don’t worry Maggie – we’re here for ya.
So, so happy to see you back in the ‘hood!
July 29th, 2008 at 5:22 am
ohmommy says:
I share all of the same fears. All of them.
My trolls have ruined so much of blogging for me, but I have to remember that they are only 1% and the other 99% are fab people who send fab emails and leave fab comments.
July 29th, 2008 at 6:07 am
Maggie says:
the ability to hate that deeply, and to do it to someone barely known, never met, astonishes me.
Please put your pants on. It makes us all more comfortable. heh.
I hope it helps that there are far more of us who truly love hearing from you than those that would don the coat of hate for no reason whatsoever. Those types of people are small. Very small.
July 29th, 2008 at 6:24 am
arizaphale says:
Where do you find trolls? I sometimes wish there were a few out there to keep me on my toes. Just focus on doing what you love and the rest will look after itself.
And isn’t the water fine??
July 29th, 2008 at 6:39 am
tysdaddy says:
” . . . the grainy poolside putty leaving a pocked impression upon the backs of my thighs . . . ”
It’s your attention to details like this that make me love you.
My blog may never reach the heights of OFD, but I think I’m OK with that. The Tweakers are an amazing bunch; I’ve been fortunate to have such insightful and caring readers. I’ve let them in, a few at a time, and we’ve shared coffee and sorrow and joy. A writer can’t ask for much more than that . . .
July 29th, 2008 at 7:26 am
furiousball says:
you just point them out to me lady, i’ll take care of ‘em *cracks knuckles*
July 29th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Miss Britt says:
Honey – it will happen.
It is inevitable.
And the more it does, the more you will HAVE to learn how to put it in perspective and deal with it so that it does NOT cut you.
But the answer is not to run away. The answer is not to throw away something you love because of fear (obviously, you know this).
The answer is to figure out what you have to learn to be able to do it anyway.
When that happens, give me a call. I’ll be happy to walk with you to the other side.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Kelley says:
Hah! I loved the tag “because Liv says blogging about blogging is verboten”. I’ve actually mentioned my blog in an offhand way (well, not really offhand, but that’s how I justify it) two days running and was wondering if she’d make a comment about it. Instead, she just talked about yogurt.
I have worried / wondered about the openness of it all; I am verbally a bit of an introvert at times. Most of my ideas live only in my head… but now they’re on a computer screen for the world to see. Are they judging me? Am I judging me?
Then I remember that I’m doing this for me. Not for them. When that changes, I’ve been blogging too long.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Captain Steve says:
I didn’t realize that there are hate bloggers until I read this post. I mean, really? Their own material isn’t good enough or something, that they rip into shit people have actually thought up themselves and put out there? Fuckin’ wusses. If they don’t have the sac to say it to your face, then they aren’t worth the time or space. This? Is why I’m antisocial.
Oh, and thanks for the pants, you know?
July 29th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Aunt Kay says:
Maggs,
SOOO glad that you are back. Don’t you wonder what kind of sad life people must be living if putting down others is how they spend their time?? There are some sites I have found where I certainly would like to write something insulting to the author, but my choice instead is not to go there again!
Also, I have to say that as I scrolled through the comments to leave this reply, the name ‘Velma’ stopped me cold. For a nano second my heart leapt, like when Wendy calls and my cell phone says “Mom calling!”
July 29th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Betsey says:
It’s unfortunate the hate that is thrown around in the blog world. People comment and dash and never think back to what they wrote.
But it lingers with us. The ugly judgment of our deepest thought. The harsh criticisms of our own weak points.
It burns.
I hope you know there is so much love out there for you and how inspiring your crafting of the English language is to so many.
Hang tight, Maggie girl. My hugs to you.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Groovy Mom says:
Well, here’s a new face peeking in your window, and I love you what I see. You’re a wonderful writer.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Emerald says:
Isn’t it funny how it seems like as soon as you’ve got something that you love completely, when you should be reeling with joy, you end up stricken with constant terror all the time? Cause there’s always that fear of screwing something up, or forgetting to be afraid (you totally read my mind on that one). But like you said, you gotta get right back in there.
And as for hate blogs…well, I prefer to bash more about that stupid Tostitos commercial I hate, that jerk on the bus, and things like that. I like to think it doesn’t count, hopefully the Tostitos lady doesn’t take it personally.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Heidi says:
Ok, I lost you for a while, so glad I found you again, sorry I haven’t been back lately, that will change. I get where you are coming from on the whole, “peeping in the window thing.” It’s scary to me too. Maybe we can just hold hands & jump in together. 1, 2, 3 go….
July 29th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Xbox4NappyRash says:
I can’t believe for a second you have had any unpleasant commentary on here, honestly.
As much as I want to be read, my stomach turns a little every time a new comment comes in from someone I don’t know, someone who has found me via a channel I wasn’t aware of.
I like being out there, just not ‘too’ out there.
I really don’t understand people who go out of their way to abuse a blogger. Senseless.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Black Hockey Jesus says:
I’m totally new at this and the first time I read what a dick I was on some post by somebody I didn’t know, I was just stymied. One of the strangest things for me is the sense of entitlement some people have just because they commented on my blog. It’s like I owe them a thank you card or they’ll just unload a bunch of bile. Not everyone of course (simmer down folks) – just a few. But it blows my mind. Some bitch just started yapping about me in Dad Gone Mad’s comments yesterday. Like, what the fuck slut? I don’t even know you. One time I was whining to Yvonne at Joy Unexpected about how my feelings were hurt and she sent me a horrible horrible horrible email some idiot sent her all “Fat ass” this and “Stupid cunt” that. Terrible. Like I said, I just started a couple months ago but I can see I better develop a thicker skin if I’m gonna keep doing this.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Rock and Roll Mama says:
Oh, Maggie Damnit, I am so glad you’re here. (Did I spell that right? I don’t even know- take THAT, Blogher.:)
I didn’t read you before, as I am a brand new to the blogworld girl- 6 weeks- maybe I’m an elder now in internet time? Prolly not.)
But this naked transperencym this stepping forth and saying, Yep, this is what I do, een though it’s scary, is so badass. I don’t know ya but I’m proud for you.
And looking forward to reading- so stay around, girly!
July 29th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Rock and Roll Mama says:
Wow my keyboards all screwy I swear I’m not that challenged of a speller.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Meander says:
I am still relatively new to your blog. I had visited before and then you left…and now you are back again.
My thoughts are that the blogging world can definitely be a rough place. I have seen everything from people stealing someone’s identity to the creation of mock blogs for the sole purpose of humiliating a fellow blogger.
It is easy for people to be mean spirited because basically they can get away with it here in the name of anonymity.
On the other hand I have seen blogs where the author is truly nothing more than a good marketer for themselves. The content is poor, but like the story of the Emperor with no clothes on, nobody is willing to give any constructive criticism because commenters become part of a herd mentality.
There are a good many excellent writers out there with nary a comment because they simply have not caught onto the “game” of blogging.
So we have two extremes…the bloggers who unfairly have to deal with trolls and hatemongers based upon “popularity” and those who are comment collectors where the writing and content is secondary to number of hits.
Blogging can be addictive. It can be wonderful to get the instant gratification of admirers. Whenever I get to the point of writing things just for the comments I stop myself and do a little soul searching of why I am writing in the first place.
The blogging world is a microcosm of real life. Not everyone will like what you are about… fairly or unfairly. As a writer, this is the risk you take when you put yourself out there.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
QT says:
I just don’t understand who has enough energy to focus that much hatred anywhere, especially when you have no real life experience with the blogger….whatevs. I got better things to do with my time.
As for Gretta, I’d be willing to bet as an adult she won’t remember that episode at all. You should be kinder to yourself.
July 29th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Grandma J says:
So glad your back because I didn’t know you were gone…or even existed…but now I do.
I’ve had a couple of nasty judgemental comments from people who are too chicken to use their name. I responded once, then decided I didn’t have to. It was my blog, my thoughts and that was that!
glad I found you. The waters fine!
July 29th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
jen says:
back and doing the best we can. showing up, it matters more than any of us realize i think.
July 29th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
Which is exactly one reason why I closed Troll Baby and re-opened under the new name. Violent Acres took my kid’s picture and before it happened I swore I wouldn’t care, but when it happened, I DID care. It ruined blogging freely for me. No more kid pics online.
July 29th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Mary says:
I sort of stumbled here on the path from furiousball’s blog. I’m sorry for looking in your windows like this but you really have some good stuff going on in there! I’m glad I stopped by
July 29th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
heather says:
“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.”
Maggie, I didn’t mean to stare! I would, however, like to get coffee!
July 29th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Pare says:
Look, Heather wants to get coffee with you! I’m jealous.
(Point is, this is why it’s all worth it, right? Well, for YOU, I mean. The community and all that……)
P.S. Entertain me today.
July 30th, 2008 at 6:59 am
Pare says:
THE FUCK?! I did NOT put that smiley face there. That is some BULLshit.
July 30th, 2008 at 6:59 am
Karen MEG (Pomtini) says:
There’s this thing called green. With envy. And everyone wants to be a critic… it’s human nature.
I am always surprised when I find out some of my favourite bloggers encounter haters. I don’t get it.
But then I guess I’m not evil.
So glad you’re back Maggie.
July 30th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Gypsy says:
Know one of the things I like about your blog, aside from your scintillating wit and evocative words? Your commenters.
I’ve never had any trolls or evil comments on my personal blog (watch — I will now), but I can imagine they’d be hard to handle. It’s probably why I have to approve all comments and don’t allow anonymous ones.
I sometimes feel, though, that if I were more interesting or challenging or thought-provoking I would have trolls, and I might be a little thankful for them. Maybe.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Loralee says:
Wandered on over from your Twitter request and glad I did. (The masthead? Kills me.)
And?
People can be so suckass fugly in their comments it can melt your skin off.
Luckily? They are a small, ugly minority.
When it happens, there are lots of people to listen and who have your back. One of the grand pluses of this thing we all love to do.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Tootsie Farklepants says:
I’m perfectly comfortable with peeking in your windows and seeing you pantless. If that helps. DOWN WITH PANTS!
July 30th, 2008 at 11:12 am
that girl says:
Maggie honey, please stay. I love reading your stuff.. I haven’t had any bad stuff yet…so far BOTH of my readers have been super, super nice.
Please stay.
July 30th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
vodkamom says:
okay. that was cool. My bookmark list is now very freaking long. What took me so long to discover all you wonderful people? Oh, it could have been the martini-laced teen years I’m in.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:01 am
wellthenhowaboutthisone says:
Wow. I am just blown away by this post. I know the rulebook says not to comment unless you actually have something to say, but all I can say is, Wow.
Forget dooce and Pioneer Woman. THIS is what I aspire to.
JD (not wellthenhowaboutthisone) at I Do Things
July 31st, 2008 at 8:58 am
insane mama says:
It fucking sucks when you post something and then people bash you. Glad you are back and facing your fear…
I hate blog haters, we are currently in a legal bind because of what we blog about. My man’s EXis claiming that our house is NO place for kids. And she doesn’t want her kids coming here based on our Blogs.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Elisa says:
I saw that blog. And I think the owner is a lower who has nothing better in his life to do, if he has time to find something to criticize about people who at least turned their blogs into a success.
I don’t like some of the famous blogs, so? Should I go around trashing them? No, I just don’t read them. Because no matter what some people say, you are much more of a loser if you have a blog about trashing bloggers than if you have a blog about diapers and pedi visits or whatever.
Who cares what the losers say? Even if they were to become famous. I woulnd’t like to be famous for being an asshole.
July 31st, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Lil says:
*whew* i finally found you again through technorati, my bookmarked linked just wouldn’t work for some reasion.
maggie, i read your stepping off post and understood…in the almost 3 yrs i’ve been blogging i’ve had up to 9 blogs (i was trying to avoid my partner’s ex-gone-stalker but it got really draining fast so now i’ve got 3 active ones), i’ve been where you are (except the exceptional writing part)…and i’ve come and gone, but nothing ever permanent, just a break. when i started i became addicted to the comments, the feedback the inflation of my ego…and when i once opened up a wordpress blog, forget it, i became addicted to the stats. what i realized one day is that those things became more important to me than my own need to write and the sincerity of my own voice. so i went private. which i liked…but i missed my blog neighbors, whom i’d come to know and love, and i went public again. i’m glad i went all pyscho with the blogging, it’s how i figured out what i really wanted to get out of public writing ~ which is reciprocity from other people who like to blog and are sincere with their words. i’m drawn to the introspective types, the intellectuals…the ones who can write one bad-ass sarcastic-riddled post, and then the next is a sweet glimpse into their vulnerable parts. you maggie are one of those people…if you decided to write for fee, i would read you then…if you stayed free and public, i’d still read you….how you decided to share your talent fo writing earnestly about whatever doesn’t matter to me personally, i would just like the opportunity to read you. no strings attached, no judgement, no hateful things to say about you…you’re a person like me and that guy over there with a need to say what you gotta say, however you choose to do it.
i’m glad you’re back, if indeed you’ve decided to stay.
peace,
lil
July 31st, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Lil says:
and what the hell is ‘making it as a blogger’ anyway?? i make it every time i write what exactly is in my heart. i don’t need other’s to reward me of justify my blog’s existence. fuck this pisses me off…’making it’…what the fuck?! really, i need this explained…
July 31st, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Lil says:
ok, ok, last comment. maggie check out my post on my “from maiden to mother” blog titled “give up being safe”…you may find it insightful (and no, i’m not looking for increased traffic, i don’t track that stuff anymore…i know my weaknesses, and i choose chocolate instead!).
peace,
lil
July 31st, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Don Mills Diva says:
Damn girl – you have no right to even consider depriving the world of your ability to write.
There will always be haters and it terrifies me too but I can’t let them keep me down, ya know?
July 31st, 2008 at 9:13 pm
girlgriot says:
Whoa. The Gretta story is so scary. I don’t know if I’d have been able to do what you did and get back in that water. As much as I’d have known it was the right thing to do, I’m just not sure …
I share your worries about being so exposed here, being ‘findable,’ being hated/envied/dangerously-loved … not that I’ll have to worry about that too much, what with my reading audience of four, but still. I’m glad you’ve chosen to face down your fear and stay in this space. I was missing you so much while you were gone.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Kathy says:
Hello. I was sent over here by a friend. Your story mesmerized me. I, too, am affected by fear. But I swear when my clock hit 40, I punched it in the face and demanded it sit down and shut up. I have some work to do yet, but I will never let fear laugh at me and keep me from doing what I want to do. Don’t we owe ourselves that much? Best to you.
August 2nd, 2008 at 9:10 am